REVENGE RECAP: Like Anyone Would Want To R Her

Revenge was on fire last night. So many great things happened: Jack got beat up (yes!), Victoria seethed extra hard (yes!), and Lydia rolled into Grayson Manor with a gun-turret attached to her wheelchair and plowed down anyone in sight. Okay, maybe that last thing didn’t happen, but oh, if it had, this might have been a perfect episode. The show was definitely in the campy, pulpy zone — as best exemplified by the soaring, EVIL strings that played when Daniel proposed to Emily in the rain (by placing what appeared to be a Super Bowl ring on her finger). On a lesser soap, we would have been treated to joyous music signaling young love and sturdy umbrellas. But here on Revenge, the director played up the film-noire, femme-fatale qualities of Emily, turning this supposedly wonderful life-event into a dark and mysterious affair.

This, of course, was made all the better by Madeleine Stowe, who as Victoria, embraced her son’s new engagement with all the enthusiasm of a woman being punched in the stomach. She succeeded in expressing utter disapproval with the iciest of smiles — perhaps the coldest, meanest rictus we’ve ever seen on network television. Beware the Victoria Grayson smile. It will kill you.

The real story of the night wasn’t the engagement and Victoria’s “I want to vomit but instead I might just poison someone instead” face. No, the big news was that Charlotte was a BASTARD CHILD. That’s right: illegitimate, or as they call it out in the Hamptons, “Quogue-y.” As we learned at the end of the previous ep, Charlotte was actually David Clarke’s daughter, not Conrad Grayson’s, which naturally meant that Emily would go easy on the girl, right? mmmmnot so much. Revenge as scheduled!

Little did dopey Charlotte realize that her life was so much more fucked up than she could have ever imagined. At the top of the episode, she seemed so happy. Conrad had offered Declan a full-ride at Charlotte’s boarding school, which was above and beyond gracious, and quite frankly, I’m a little shocked that stupid Declan didn’t adopt his Fonz voice again and say something like, “Ayyy, Mr. G, I don’t belong in none of dem fancy schools. That ain’t me, Mr. G!!” After all, since when have we met a righteous poor who didn’t scoff at an amazing opportunity afforded to them by a wealthy benefactor (I’m looking at you, Ryan Atwood and Dan Humphrey).

It seemed like everything was awesome in Charlotte’s life. And then it wasn’t. No, she didn’t find out that she was the daughter of a terrorist (allegedly), but Conrad did. You see, Emily happily sent a USB drive to Conny with footage of David Clarke admitting he was the baby-daddy of Charlotte (if you remember, Emily stole the footage from Mason Treadwell’s house, which she then burned down. Claaaaaassssic Emily). Conrad immediately presented this damning evidence to his soon-to-be ex, Victoria, who registered panic in her eyes as she watched the video before icing herself over, plastering a smile on her face, and denying everything (another small but award-worthy bit of acting for Stowe).

WELL, Conrad wasn’t going to just accept that David Clarke was lying. To the DNA-mobile!!! Conrad swiped a hair sample from Charlotte’s hairbrush and dingdingding!!! To paraphrase Dinosaurs — as I am wont to do, especially in regards to Revenge — Conrad was NOT THE PAPA!

No matter — Conrad announced that Charlotte would still be entitled to her trust (what a nice dad!), but she was NOT allowed to live with him anymore. Why? Because he couldn’t look at his own daughter without seeing his wife’s WHORE FACE (throws glass of whiskey against the wall, sobs — that’s what I would do).

So Conrad kicked Charlotte out of the Southfork Inn (or as I like to call it, the South FUCK Inn. A lot of sexytimes happen there, amiright?). Charlotte was all “But… but…” which has basically been her m.o. all season, and eventually she went off to complain to Daniel about everything. Charlotte didn’t find Daniel, but she did encounter Emily and her big new engagement ring. For a moment, all was great in the world, and as Charlotte hugged Emily, she admitted that she had always wanted a sister. If only you knew, Emily. If only you knew… Maybe some day Emily can come clean with her identity, and then she and Jack can marry, and Charlotte and Declan can marry, and it can be the story of the Porters and the Clarkes! And I would name that show AWFUL.

Speaking of those awful Porter brothers, Jack got quite the beatdown midway throught the episode. It was great! You see, as part of Emily’s convoluted plan to get shhhhAmanda out of town, she’s gone to great lengths to frame the girl for the fire at Treadwell’s house. First she left Amanda’s lighter at the scene of the crime. Then she dumped all the stolen video tapes in Amanda’s bag upstairs from Jack’s bar. Well, Emily’s plan worked (of course it did). Victoria believed that shhAmanda was the arshhhonist, and furthermore, she believed that Amanda had stolen the David Clarke footage and sold it to Conrad. Naturally, Victoria then invited Amanda up for tea, and when Amanda happily bit into a strawberry, Vicky was all, “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR STRAWBERRY ALLERGY, BITCH?” Amanda, thinking quickly, claimed that she had outgrown the allergy (phew! dodged that bullet), but then Victoria offered up some creme fraîche, which Amanda couldn’t help but devour sexily off a spoon. Please don’t tell me that Amanda was supposed to be lactose intolerant too. What’s next? Would Victoria be offering her some shrimp and peanut butter served on a double-gluten muffin? #allergyhumor

As it turns out, Victoria gave Amanda’s used spoon to her lawyer for DNA testing, which meant that the old Creme Fraîche Trap worked again! I hear that’s how they found Bin Laden.

What did this have to do with Jack? Well, Victoria, convinced that Amanda was up to no good, understandably sent a goon to retrieve the stolen footage, and so that goon went into Amanda’s personal items, grabbed the tapes (that Emily had planted there) and tried to slip out undetected, but there was Captain Jack, ready to defend the honor of his trampy girlfriend. Of course, Jack was no match for Victoria’s goon, who doled out a severe beating before absconding with the tapes (minus ONE which accidentally was left behind…).

With Jack now in pain and unnecessarily shirtless, Nolan felt it was time to get on his high horse and harangue Emily for hurting too many innocent people in her schemes. Emily reluctantly agreed and decided that maybe she shoud cool it with her plans — maybe call off the engagement with Daniel. Oh, and she ‘fessed up to Amanda what her true plans were (revenge, e.g.), and Amanda was all “Why shhdidn’t you shhhtell me?” A little honesty was all it took for Amanda to leave town, and poof she was gone, leaving Jack lonely and heartbroken.

As for those DNA tests that Victoria had ordered on Amanda — they came back conclusive. It was a match. She was the real deal. Wait, what? How could that be? Then something even more perplexing happened: Victoria fired her lawyer. HUH? WHY???

We do have some answers: as it turns out, the lawyer, who secretly believes in David’s innocence, was actually working in cahoots with Emily and had switched the DNA samples (aaaaahhhhh), but that still didn’t totally explain to me why Victoria had fired him. Or was he trying to quit. And why was he trying to quit? I was a little confused. I felt like Lydia staring at a photo album.

Meanwhile, Emliy was ready to do the right thing and call off the engagement with Daniel, but oh how things had changed. You see, in the interim, Conrad had informed Daniel that his mother had a big ol’ secret to share — one that would tear this family apart. And so then Daniel went over to Casa Grayson and was all, “Ma, tell me what’s wrong, Ma!” With shadows obscuring her face, Victoria finally confessed that Charlotte’s father was David Clarke. And as she sat there weeping, Daniel — poor, dumb Daniel — put together the pieces in all the wrong ways. He naturally assumed that David Clarke had raped his mother, and who was she to tell him otherwise? Of course, this all brings to mind this clip:

And so the episode ended with Daniel and Emily sitting on her porch swing. She was prepared to call off the engagement and minimize the human damage from her crusade. But then Daniel revealed what he had just learned: Charlotte was a RAPE BABY. Emily, of course, knew the truth (that Charlotte was a PASSION BABY) and was rather shocked and dismayed that Victoria would create such a vile lie about her dad. How about we get married in June, Emily suggested. Operation: Revenge is back on track!!

“Good morning, Daniel. Care to take a quick shower with me before work?”

“Oh Jacksh. I love you, alwayshh forevershh. Near and farshh, alwayshhh togeshher.”

“Conrad, why are you making me watch a cat video on your laptop? You know I hate cats.”

“Except Heathcliff. He’s one HELL of a cat.”

“But you knew that, didn’t you?”

“Understand this, Conrad: every time you watch a cat video or see a cat on the street or eat lasagna and think of Garfield, let that cat remind you of just how much I hate you. And the warmth you feel when you pet that cat is the false sense of security you’ll feel before HEATHCLIFF COMES AND SCRATCHES YOUR EYES OUT!”

“So. Amanda. Isn’t my son hot?”

“Care for some crème fraîche? It’s my favorite.”

“Please. I insist. Have some crème fraîche. No one could possibly be allergic to such a divine dairy product!”

“FYI, this is how I always eat my crème fraîche.”

“Little does she realize it’s just SOUR CREAM. Mwahahahahahaha!!!!”

“What? I’m still on this show?”

“Daniel! I was just seeing if you’d like to come upstairs and tuck me into bed. Naked.”

“You two seem awfully happy. Let me guess: you just read the new Heathcliff.”

“Mom, I just asked Emily to marry me.”

[crickets]

“We’re really excited.”

“I… I wish you would have warned me. I would have ordered some crème fraîche to celebr– her? Really, Daniel?”

“She… SHE doesn’t even LIKE pigs in a blanket. How are you going to have a wedding with a cocktail reception that HAS NO PIGS IN A BLANKET?”

“You always said you loved pigs in a blanket, Daniel. Always.”

“Actually, Daniel told me he doesn’t like them anymore.”

“Oh did he now?”

“Daniel, is this true? Do you no longer love the thing that you have loved ever since you were a CHILD?”

“It’s true, Mom. I’m more of a spanakopita guy now.”

“Spana… well. That’s certainly very… GREEK.”

“I don’t suppose you had anything to do with this change of heart.”

“Actually, I did. I introduced him to his first spanakopita just the other night.”

“Oh. Well. Far be it for me to impose my delicious pigs in a blanket on you when Emily has such broad and exciting culinary options to offer.”

“Mom, don’t be like that.”

“Like what? I’m nothing but happy!”

“Die.”

What did you think about the episode?