Your Guide To Alexis Couture

Fans of The Real Housewives of Orange County have come to expect tacky fashions and styles from all the women on screen. However, Alexis Bellino is about to change all that. Her new dress line is about to rock the fashion world, and I’m here to guide you through the genius that is Alexis Couture.

Someone call Rachel Zoe: there’s a bold new voice in fashion.

A full examination of Alexis’s line — as seen at Alexis-Bellino.com and alexisbytalsheyn.com — after the jump…

Slip It On

Proving that there’s nothing more eye catching than simple black and white, Alexis’s famous Slip It On dress reminds us that monochromatic paisley is really the best way to flash your vag. Some people might disapprove of Slip It On’s revealing hemline, but what the dress lacks in lower-pubic region presence, it makes up for in broad, billowy sleeves — the kind that’ll make you feel like the slutty pterodactyl you always knew you could be.

Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend

Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, but chances are this dress will be a total enemy to Alexis. It lacks any semblance of leopard or cheetah print, features an appropriate hemline, and generally approaches the realm of classiness. Therefore, this dress will be a total dud in Orange County. We’re still not entirely sure why this look is supposed to represent diamonds (given there’s nary a rhinestone or shiny rock to be seen, despite the description), but given that most of these dresses seemed to have been named by random phrases pulled from a hat, we’re gonna let it slide.

Paparazzi Love It

Should you find yourself semi-squatting on an invisible toilet, this dress is for you! Even better, the paparazzi apparently love it! How do I know? Because it’s called Paparazzi Love It! Let’s be honest, you know those guys from TMZ are clamoring to get more photos of women draped in the remnants of MC Hammer’s parachute pants. Alexis clearly knows the female form, and Parazzi Love It daringly re-imagines breasts as two sharp cones, reminiscent of Peggy’s bra on season one of Mad Men. How very on-trend!

Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend

It appears as though the webmaster accidentally duplicated the description for Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend here, which means we don’t have a name for this lovely look. Until we learn otherwise, I’ll simply call it Cinemax Softcore First Five Minutes — as in, we’ll see this worn in the first five minutes of a softcore porno on Cinemax at 2 AM, and then, after those five minutes, it will clearly be doffed for a perfunctory shower scene and/or gratuitous nude vegetable chopping sequence. The point is this: if you don’t hear cool jazz and a sexy sax playing when you see this periwinkle number, you clearly are not in touch with fashion.

Cindarella’s [sic] Slippers

The most delicate dress of all: Cindarella’s Slippers. This is not to be confused with CindERella’s Slippers, which, as can be gleaned from its “proper” spelling, is probably some stuffy turtleneck sweater-dress fit for an old crone. No, CindARella’s Slippers is something for the princess in every woman (except Gretchen Rossi), and naturally, what better way to conjure up images of those famed slippers than by designing a dress in all BLACK? Yes, that’s the genius of Alexis Bellino. She always goes for the unexpected. An artist at work, people. An artist at work…

Dancing with the Stars

Ever want to look like a creature rising from a swamp made of silk? Look no further than this tunic, which has the rather subtle name of Dancing with the Stars. Sure, the garment speaks neither of dancing nor stars, but as the description says, it IS quite effortless to wear — assuming you don’t mind your snatch dangling out when you sit on any form of chair or stool. Also, with long, sagging sleeves, the dress is the perfect answer to the age old question: “How can I possibly get myself stuck in the taxi door tonight?” Bravah.

Sex in the City

When you want to get your whore on but also hypnotize someone too, grab the Sex in the City (not to be confused with the popular television programme, Sex AND The City). This dress features a stunning, dizzying pattern that will easily place all nearby bystanders into a trance within three seconds. Before they pass out, however, they’ll be sure to notice the rhinestone neckline, which offers “the perfect touch of edge.” The other perfect touch of edge: the missing bottom portion of the dress. Nothing turns heads like shiny rhinestones and exposed beaver. Sashay, Shanté!

Walk In The Park

The best part of Walk In The Park is the fact that even the webmaster (who may or may not be a fifth grader) can’t figure it out. “This dress is made from knit fabric?” Uh, I guess? “It is created for everyday wear so it is just the thing when you are looking for an easy but fabulous outfit??” Sure! Personally though, my favorite part of the Walk In The Park is the final line of the description, which reads “It comes in a one of a kind pattern.” It sure does! But I don’t like to call it “a one of a kind” pattern as much as a “discontinued for being so amazingly horrific” pattern. Great find!

Black Maxi Dress

If Alexis Couture is too fancy and classy for you, chill out with a maxi dress from the Alexis Casual line. It’s the perfect way to accentuate those double D’s all women surely have.

And with its exposed back and monochromatic straps, this maxi dress is the perfect outfit for standing on a balcony.

Yes, with Alexis Couture, soon you might be able to nab a hot, wealthy husband of your own. And failing that, a chunky guy with questionable funds who wears tight, age inappropriate see-through shirts and rocks a faux-hawk with the three hairs left on his head. Win!