Ten Things To Change About ‘Gossip Girl’

The Gossip Girl season finale has come and gone, and while it was certainly a strong episode, this season as a whole has left something to be desired. Don’t get me wrong — I still lurve the ongoing adventures of Chuck and Blair and whoever else is on the show — but there have been a few peevish things that need to be addressed so that our fourth go at it will be better than ever. A full list of recommended changes after the jump.

Get Rid of Vanessa

I have a longstanding and well-documented theory when it comes to Vanessa, and it goes as follows: VANESSA RUINS EVERYTHING. I’ve yet to see a scenario that Vanessa hasn’t ruined: threesomes, Tisch applications, Haiti recovery efforts (we just have to assume). She ruins everything in every episode, and while Jessica Szohr is most definitely looking better than ever, her character continues to be spiritually dumpy. It’s time for her to meet an untimely end, perhaps at the merciless wheels of an oncoming subway train (ideally the 4, 5, or 6).

Shave Dan’s Chest Hair

We just have to assume that among the things Vanessa has ruined is Dan’s Norelco body groomer because his pesky chest hair has gotten completely out of hand. I think we were all able to look the other way when the first few sprigs of Humphrey Hair appeared above his collar, but now he’s sprouted a full-on man-garden under his Adam’s apple, and it’s getting somewhat distracting. Then again, this might be a good thing since I’m not sure we really need to pay attention to what he says anyway. Most the stuff that spews out of Dan’s mouth is annoyingly sardonic or self-referential (Seth Cohen he is not); so I suppose it would be nice if that could be fixed too. Furthermore:

Get Thee Out Of Brooklyn

I don’t turn to Gossip Girl for accurate depictions of college, but I do expect a touch of reality, and quite frankly, I don’t believe for a second that Dan would rather hole up in BROOKLYN than hang out in his dorm. And if he did want to do that, then he’s just a douche. Of course, he IS a douche; so I guess it does make sense, and thus we have yet another reason to hate him so. But honestly, the guy was the king of his NYU dorm. Why would he divorce himself from that? And what college student would willingly add a giant commute to class? Sleep is precious when you’re eighteen. The last thing you want to do is get up thirty-five minutes earlier so you can trek out of DUMBO to get to a lecture. Does not compute. And since we’re talking about Dan again, why does everyone like him? He used to be the outsider, and now he’s all “Bro” with Nate. Don’t they remember he’s from across the river? It seems as though only Blair Waldorf can appreciate such things, as evidenced by her fantastic line in last night’s finale: “Signs are for the religious, the superstitious, and the lower class.” Memo to writers: class warfare is what we tune in for. More please.

Give Nate Something To Do

Poor Nate. Things started off so promisingly for him back in season one. In those days, he was trapped with Blair, pining for Serena, and stuck under the thumb of his crazy father, a.k.a. THE CAPTAIN. Now he just sort of floats through the show, occasionally falling in love with women and rebelling against that most odious creature: GRANDFATHER. His relationship with Serena has been decent, and the entanglements with Jenny showed promise, but alas, that really hasn’t panned out into anything spectacular. Even Jenny has moved on, losing her V-card to Chuck (he’s two for two on that front with the cast members). Sorry, Nate. You’re just kind of bland.

Give Eric Something To Do Also

Speaking of bland, Eric Van Der Woodsen has to be the most boring gay in all of TV. And even worse, I think his ex boyfriend Jonathan left a dildo up his ass because Eric never seems to have any fun doing anything ever. He also has that annoying wise-beyond-his-years trait that makes you want to punch him right in the face. I think the producers should do something fun with him. Have him get sucked into some sort of awful New York City gay circuit thing, causing him to return home in the morning with glitter on his face and three candy necklaces around his neck. At the very least, give him something better than what he does every episode: either preach about the right thing to do or awkwardly flirt with some dude in a lobby somewhere. Oh, and his spats with Jenny are tiresome. Then again, Jenny can be tiresome too — unless she’s up to no good. And along those lines…

Keep Jenny Kind of Psycho

When Jenny tries to be a fashion star, she’s idiotic. When she tries to fulfill social ambitions, she’s a campy mess. Her rise to Queen B in season one was great, and her late season high jinks with Nate have been more or less entertaining (more so than her stâge at Eleanor Waldrof’s Atelier). And speaking of Eleanor Waldorf…

More Eleanor Waldorf, please

The Waldorfs are what make Gossip Girl great. That cheeky mix of melodrama and comedy is what we love, and while it’s best exemplified by Blair, we also find it in her mother Eleanor. Sadly, the momma bear popped up in only a handful episodes this season, and while I do appreciate the increased presence of Dorota, the joke is getting kind of old. Eleanor and Cyrus are the supporting players we truly love.

Stop Making Rufus Such A Bitch

Ugh. Rufus has been awful this season. He’s usually something of a non-entity, but man, he has really become dour since he tied the knot with the Lilster. I almost would rather listen to him resurrect that insufferable Lincoln Hawk song than hear him bitch and moan anymore. Almost. But alas, he IS a Humphrey, and the Humphreys sort of suck.

No One Cares About Chuck’s Hotel

There once was a time when Chuck Bass was known for galavanting around the city, date-raping whatever piece of ass wound up in his limo (or on his roof). Those were the fun days. Then he met Blair, and the two of them had awesome chemistry, and while Chuck wasn’t the cad he used to be, we still loved him and Blair (or Chair). But then his dad died, and Chuck became inconsolable. Long story short, this ridiculous plot about him buying a hotel and owning it and trying to be the man his dad said he’d never be is so tired and played out, I’m shocked it’s even lasted this long. The guy is only eighteen. I know there are boy wonders out there (including series creator Josh Schwartz), but we didn’t tune in to watch Chuck be a businessman. We tuned in because he’s the ultimate playboy, and excepting perhaps the touch-and-go deflowering of Jenny last night, we haven’t seen that side of him in aeons (I used the British spelling in honor of Ed Westwick). Let’s inject some scallawag back into Bass. Let the grownups have the grownup problems (ie. mergers and acquisitions of hotels), and let the kids have kid problems (gossiping, etc.). Which brings me to my next, most important point of all:

Make This Show Petty Again

Much like The OC before it, Gossip Girl has slid a touch too far into melodrama. Luckily, there’s enough cheeky snark in it to save it from being the depressing mess of its predecessor, but still, more work needs to be done. In the beginning, the show was about jockeying for social position and using Gossip Girl as a tool to wage wars on the steps of the Met. We had wonderfully silly secondary characters — Hazel, Penelope, Nelly Yuki. The backdrop of Constance also provided a wonderful Upstairs / Downstairs social conflict with the Humphreys. Plots didn’t revolve around unfaithful congressmen or devious hotel schemes. They focused on throwing the coolest party, dating the hottest guy (even if he was gay), and covering up a pool party scandal. Point is the stories were organic to the teen universe, and while now most of the cast has left high school, college is still a wonderful backdrop for continuing the same shenanigans. However, the kids suddenly act like adults now — another plague from The OC — and it’s just not quite as fun. Let’s let the silliness reign supreme in season four. It’s not too late to turn this around!

xoxo,

GOSSIP RECOMMENDATIONS

What do you think about Gossip Girl? Did you like the season finale? And what did you think about the season as a whole? Also, did anyone notice the homage to the series premiere in Georgina’s arrival at Grand Central?