HILLS PHOTOCAP: Crazy, Rumors

Because of my traveling last week, I didn’t really get a chance to photocap the season premieres of The Hills or The City, but rest assured, both are off to strong starts. This is mildly surprising, given that The Hills descended into a vortex of suck last year, and I wasn’t totally sure it could pull itself out. Well, maybe my tolerance for douchebags has increased or maybe my resolve has worn down, but whatever the reason, I’ve been enjoying The Hills again. In no small part is that due to the increased bickering and cattiness we’ve seen as a result of a) Heidi’s surgeries, b) Kristin’s alleged drug use, and c) LO finally, finally making the opening credits. Of course, Lo getting her moment in the spotlight feels sort of like the pity varsity spot coaches give seniors in high school, but hey, that’s okay. It only took six years, but our girl is finally no longer a sidekick!Anyway, the fun of this episode came mostly from Spencer, who played only a small role in last week’s premiere. The focus then was on Heidi’s much maligned surgery (which was received with a mixture of scorn, mockery, and contempt by good ol’ Darlene in Crested Butte. Her suggesting that Heidi deal with her happiness issues through therapy and not surgery was that “AT LAST SOMEONE TELLS HER THAT” moment I’d been seeking for so long). This week, there was still talk about Heidi’s new body — one that no one has been able to embrace. Literally, people can’t hug her. The girl’s a water balloon. One squeeze and she pops.

As such, Heidi resorted to a “Surgery Hug,” which consisted of her leaning over and giving a gentle pat to whomever was in striking distance. Spencer, meanwhile, revealed his new look: skinny, unkempt, pothead, crystal enthusiast. Yes, our slick Svengali seemed to have taken a page out of Justin Bobby’s handbook when he appeared at Kristin’s party and later at his buddy Charlie’s house looking about as ripe as the three-week old oranges on my kitchen counter. The guy has certainly lost some weight, and he’s taken a liking to tie-dye shirts and beads. Oh, and crystals. Many, many crystals. According to whichever shaman he’s been consulting, the crystals bring him peace and serenity. That’s why he brought a giant specimen to Kristin’s party as a housewarming gift. Of course, that rock looked less like a crystal and more like something he found on the side of Mulholland Drive, but that’s neither here nor there. Truth is, the healing power of these crystals is quite dubious, and when Stephanie walked over to her brother at the party to say hi for the first time in months, he pretty much just flipped out in classic Spencer style. This DESPITE the fact that he not only had multiple crystals around his neck but also was in the presence of the mega crystal he had just delivered to the event. Not a strong testament to their powers.

Of course, I’m not sure any rock could contain Spencer, especially since he truly seems a bit off his rocker now. It’s hard to ever know if this is all an act with him, but for all we know, it seems sort of authentic. Even Charlie had to talk some sense into his friend, going so far as to tell Spencer that he’s lost his mind. Spencer merely rebuffed his sidekick, explaining that this was the reason why he needed to wear so many crystals around his neck. Doesn’t seem like an encouraging situation, but it is so entertaining to watch. I love a story line that features a smack of downward spiral!

Well, as loony as Spencer’s crystal fixation is, for some reason all the drug rumors are swirling around Kristin instead. They seemed to have been hatched last week when the girls all went to Vegas and Kristin lost her voice after partying. While Ms. Cavallari swigged Grey Goose, a tribal junta of Audrina, Steph, and Lo sat on cozy furniture and deduced that their frenemy was most certainly “using.” They even went so far as to confront Kristin about it the next morning, but Intervention, this was not. Kristin merely scoffed and rolled her eyes (or so I imagined as her face was partially obscured by the sort of glasses my grandma wore after cataract surgery).

Anyway, the rumors of Kristin’s drug use hit a fever pitch this week, and all signs pointed to Stephanie as the blabber. Well, they also pointed to Lo, but she got out of it by doing her patented tight-lipped head shake, followed by her signature eye-pointing that seemed to say “Don’t look at me. Look at STEPHANIE!” As a result, Kristin spent most of the episode stewing about these rumors until finally she and her new nemesis sat down for drinks and resolved… nothing. Steph again accused Kristin of being on drugs, Kristin accused Steph of not being one to talk, and the two parted ways on Melrose boulevard in a huff of rage. Not the most compelling cliffhanger, but I suppose we’ll take it.

Meanwhile, Audrina had some big news of her own: she had a new beau. A douchey, puffy new beau. It was none other than the singer Ryan Cabrera, who had a minor hit song on the radio about five years ago. Since then, his life has consisted of dating a few starlets and in the process rubbing Brody the wrong way. We don’t know what their beef is, but it was enough for Brody to leave the guy hanging when he tried to give him a high-five at Kristin’s party. Yes, Ryan is a major douche of an epic order, and anyone who makes Brody seem like a pretty normal guy has to be off the scales when it comes to douchebaggery. Kudos to MTV for sneaking in a sly cutaway of Ryan rubbing his nose in that quintessentially cocaine-y way.

Funny story about Ryan Cabrera. I once stood in line behind him at Fuddruckers. I even wrote about it at TVgasm. He looked ridiculous then, and I am proud to report he has only gotten worse. Again with the downward spiral. More recently, I had another Ryan Cabrera sighting, but we’ll save that for another recap…

For now, let’s move on to the photocap:

“Wow, I can’t believe Audrina is my new confidant. I wonder if I’ve veiled my disdain for the situation convincingly enough. I look happy, right? Because I am happy. So happy I could just STAB THIS BITCH IN THE EYE.”

“I’m so glad I spent thousands of dollars so I could look like a big-boobed version of… Holly?”

“I’m listening, Kristin. It’s just that if I don’t hold my hand here, my head will LITERALLY roll off. So not cool.”

Frankie: “Dude, you’re on national TV. Didn’t you want to shower?”
“Sorry, brah. I was running laaaaaaayte. Hope this doesn’t affect our relaaaaytionship.”

Heidi: “Heeeyyyyy. How are YOU? Sorry, surgery hug.”
“Um, I wasn’t going to hug you.”

Stephanie: “Let me spell it out for you this way, Kristin. Unless you have a tin of food with you, you’re NOT allowed at this table!”

Audrina: “You know, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever meet a douchebag as big as Justin Bobby, but now I’ve found you, Ryan!”
“Aw, thanks babe. High five!”
“No.”

“Hi Spencer.”
“GET OUT OF MY FACE! WHY YOU GOTTA SAY THINGS LIKE THAT???”

“I don’t know why Spencer’s so mean. Also, am I the only one who thinks he smells like patchouli and Reese’s Pieces?”

“Oh BOO HOO! So I smell like patchouli and Reese’s Pieces. Did you ever think that’s because the Reese’s Pieces have a special energy that only flows when the moon is in its fourth chamber, thus unlocking the power of the crystal, but only the crystal of greater learning. No, you didn’t know that because you’re stuck in a negativity canoe with danger embers over your head!”

“Spencer, it’s a little effed up that you’re making me look like the sensible one.”

“Shhhh… I’m listening to the crystal. And the crystal is telling me to… not shower.”

“Kristin, it’s obvious you’re on drugs. I mean, at least to me. But what do I know. I’m so high right now.”

What did you think about the episode? How’s the season going so far?