REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: How You Gonna Have A Brooklyn Fashion Weekend With No Fashions?

The ferocity between the women on this season of The Real Housewives of New York City has reached shocking new levels of intensity. It’s like watching a pack of hyenas circling each other, waiting to pounce at any moment (note: I know nothing of hyena behavior, but I assume they pounce on themselves. And if they don’t just go with it for the sake of the metaphor). Point is, these ladies are crazy. Even Alex has a bone to pick with someone, and Alex is the nicest, most level-headed of the bunch! I’m telling you, we are headed towards the reality TV equivalent of World War II, but I suppose the difference is that there’s no true delineation between good and bad. There’s no Allies vs. Axis. They’re all kind of a mishmash of both sides (minus that egregious genocide thing); so I suppose Royal Rumble would be a better analogy. Man, I’m really struggling with the literary devices today. I’ll just put it this way: this season is a glorious clusterfletch of cattiness, and while I sort of hate how awful these women are, I sort of love it even more.

Of course driving this season is the massive feud between Jill and Bethenny. I used to be leaning more towards Team Jill, but honestly, it’s hard to take either woman’s side. They’re both so self-involved that they can’t see how dumb their rift is anyway. Bethenny does have a point in that Jill seems to be acting out of some bitterness or resentment for her former sidekick’s success. Jill, however, has a point in that Bethenny seems to be totally self-absorbed these days. Who’s to blame? Both of them for not handling their emotions maturely. If Jill weren’t looking for drama, she should have emailed Bethenny and said “Hey, give Bobby a call. It would mean a lot to him.” Of course, if Bethenny weren’t so up her own ass these days, she would have made more of an effort to begin with. But then again, can we really fault Bethenny for wanting to distance herself from a woman who draws party lines in the sand with passive aggressive emails such as the one Jill sent to Kelly, which attacked her for having friendly relations with the enemy. The whole cliquey, us vs. them mentality that Jill and LuAnn have been fostering has been somewhat abhorrent — enough to make me want to side with Bethenny. But then we watched as Jill asked Bethenny why she couldn’t call Bobby, and Bethenny had to go and plug her books again. FEH.
Well, it’s a whole lot of sound and fury signifying nothing, but one thing we can be sure of is that Jill seems to be taking the “Find a hobby” line as far as she can. She clearly was offended by it, but as insults go, it’s not the worst there is. It seems like Jill is just aching for a reason to indulge this rift — almost like it’s easier to blame it all on this allegedly awful phrase than to sit down and look at her own role in the mess. Who knows. Either way, Jill and Bethenny are entirely too old to be acting like this — especially on television.
Ah, but how sad would our lives be if they were happy? Very sad indeed. The feud has fueled an entire offshoot of great quarrels. Recent weeks have seen Bethenny go ballistic on LuAnn’s ass, especially as LuAnn and Jill have allied together to form a haughty duo of disdain and gossip. The two have tried to recruit Kelly, Alex, and even Ramona to their cause, but those women have remained contentious floaters, often snapping at anything that approaches them — even each other. Last week, Kelly and Ramona bickered about boobs, and this episode, Kelly and Bethenny rehashed their epic battle during what was supposed to be a lovely afternoon curating Brooklyn Fashion Weekend — a concept that’s about as puzzling as “Jumbo Shrimp” or “Fresh Dried Fruit.” I mean, I don’t want to malign the hardworking fashionistas of Brooklyn, but let’s just say it was certainly no She By Shereé. Heck, it wasn’t even Closet Freak.
Nevertheless, spats were had, causing first Ramona to go bug-eyed and… rational?? Whoa. When Bethenny and Kelly began going at it, Ramona shrieked that she’d taken off time from her work to come all the way downtown, and she wasn’t about to waste the afternoon dealing with stupid bickering. But of course, that’s what happened, and so then Alex had to put on her Mom gloves and tell the ladies to shut the eff up or else she’d toss them over the edge of the Cipriani balcony. This stiff shot of maturity was as refreshing as a cold margarita on a sunny day (of course, I refer to the classic version of the libation, or as Bethenny probably calls it, the FAT GIRL Margarita).
Anyway, here are pics from the episode:

LuAnn: “I think it’s time for me to start dating again.”
“Whatever you want, Mom.”
“I will NOT tolerate that apathy. Not when I may be heading into the city later to the Cancer Society! NEVER when I might be heading into the city later for the Cancer Society!”

LuAnn: “You know, I find that truly the classiest thing is to eavesdrop on a private conversation.”

Reporter: “So, you read books?”
Kelly: “Sometimes. I have a hard time reaching them on my shelf. I’m up here. My books are down there.”
“I don’t follow.”
[pause]
“Kelly?”
“Hiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!!!!”

“Mario, your stripes are hypnotizing me. I’m like going bonkers here. No, I’m not bonkers. I’m dizzy. I’m very dizzy. Sorry, I’m dizzy.”

Reporter: “Hi, I’m Sam Rockwell.”
“Hiiiiiieeeeeee!!!”

“You see this? It’s called the Skinny Girl Newspaper. I invented it. And the printing press. I invented that too.”

“Hahahaha. Brooklyn Fashion Weekend. It’s a joke, right?”

Kelly: “Sorry I was late. I had to skin an otter in Central Park on the way over. You like?”

Jill: “Aaaaaaallly, you look so glaaaaaamourous in your Zaaaaaaarin Faaaaaaabrics!”

Kelly: “What is this Chat Roulette thing? Oh look! A stranger on a webcam! HIIIEEEEEE!!!!!”

“My mother always said you should grow your own lemons because you never want to be dependent on your husband’s lemons for your diet coke beverage.”

Alex: “I know you’re my gay and all, but you’re really not doing anything to help the whole Brooklyn fashion cause.”
“Gasp! I paid $35 for this outfit!”

“You know what, Bethenny? I did get a hobby. It’s called embroidery. And I made you a pillow case. Out of Zaaarin Faaaabrics. And you know what? You didn’t even bother to come by and PICK IT UP. After ALL I’ve done for YOU!”

“Why would I pick up that pillow case. You said yourself that you had stitched ‘FUCK YOU’ into it.”

“So wrong that I did?”

“Yes, actually.”

“Listen to this one. It’s ART Bethenny. But I suppose you’re too good for that too.”

“What is going on with you? You’re totally a lunatic. So you want me to get the pillow case, I’ll get the pillow case.”

“Too late. I gave it to LuAnn.”

“You gave LuAnn a pillowcase that said ‘Fuck You’?”

“I did, and you know what? She loved it.”

“That’s because she’s a snake.”

“No. She’s a classy lady who appreciates a homemade pillowcase!”
LuAnn: “Did she call me a skank? I’m hardly a skank, my dear.”
“Shhhh… she can hear you.”

“Hear who?”

“No one. I was talking to Bawby. Something YOU know nothing about.”

“You know, your husband may have had cancer, but I had a second book coming out! I needed to Tweet five times an hour about it!”

“You should be so lucky to Tweet five time an hour.”

“What does that even mean? Listen to this one, she doesn’t even speak English.”

“No, you know who doesn’t speak English? You. Goodbye.”
LuAnn: “Good one, my love.”

“Jill? Jill?”

LuAnn: “That was so wonderful. I think I may have piddled on your couch. And let me tell you — it would be an improvement! [haughty laugh]”

“You didn’t hang up. I can still hear you guys.”

LuAnn: “Can you believe she called me a skank? What a nasty mouth on that whore.”

“SNAKE. I said SNAKE! Not SKANK!!”

“Pay attention, PUH-LEASE!”

“Now you’ve made me cry, Jill. And you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to rub my glass rim on my cheek and make CRYING SKINNY GIRL MARGARITAS. I invented tears, you know.”

“At least I have Cookie.”

“WOOF! You told me to get a hobby too. Well, actually, you told me to fetch. Just as insulting though. Woof!”