OC HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: All Good Things Come To An End

Raise your hand if your mind was totally blown by this most magnificent Real Housewives of Orange County finale? It was a spectacular hour of passive aggression and tears, thanks in part to free flowing booze but also the boorish behavior of some of the males on this show. I just knew we were in for something special when the episode began with all the women preparing for the traditional bash that comes at the end of the season. Usually it takes about forty minutes before we arrive at such events, but with Tamra and Simon teetering on the edge of divorce on the limo ride over to the St. Regis, the producers wisely decided to cut to the action.
The result was the most riveting season finale in the franchise since the famous “Last Supper” of New Jersey (very little can top that). The whole cast was a mess. Vicki and Alexis were trading snippy remarks behind each other’s backs, Lynne’s daughter were drunk and screaming, Gretchen was incurring the wrath of all the other women with her bizarre his-and-hers pseudo marriage outfits with Slade, and Tamra… well… when she wasn’t flinging passive-aggressive barbs Simon’s way, she was bawling into the arms of Vicki. And this wasn’t a “Hahaha, bitch got hers!” cry. It was a sad, scary, and fascinating display. As awful as Tamra’s been in the past, it’s never enjoyable watching someone’s marriage fall apart. However, that’s exactly what we’ve witnessed over the past season, and with each sniveling remark or controlling request by Simon, the entire situation just gets more disturbing. Let’s put it out there: Simon’s a Grade A creep. I know, I know — this is not a bombshell revelation. Still though, he’s absurdly manipulative and emotionally abusive, and honestly, I did believe that Tamra was truly afraid of him. Watching the way she clammed up when Simon appeared at her side truly gave me the chills.
The good news is that Tamra wasn’t a total wallflower. She did get a few spicy digs in at her soon-to-be ex-husband, including one that went something along the lines of “Well, maybe if you were working and we had some MONEY, we wouldn’t be in this situation!” Of course, this begs the question of what kind of marriage is this that can’t survive financial insecurity? Clearly one built on the wrong things. My pop psychologist inclinations would be to surmise that he married her for the looks, and she married him for the money. And now they’re losing both. Oops.

The whole downfall of Tamra and Simon really personifies the overall theme to this season: descent. All of these women just seem to be falling apart, and what was once silly, escapist fun has now really turned into an interesting sociological study. Throw in some vexing questions about the role of the cameras in all this, and it all becomes quite postmodern: are these people’s falling apart because of the show? Or is there a show because they’re falling apart?
Or something like that. My friend jash and I have been lightly musing on it over text the past few hours, and we both agree there’s a great academic dissertation to be had. I will not be writing it though. That’s because I’m still too distracted by the other hilarious stuff from last night’s finale, including Alexis and Jim, who provided their usual supply of witless behavior. To be fair, neither of them said anything too ridiculous, but maybe that’s because they let their outfits do the talking. Alexis wore her usual wispy, flowing frock that made her look like she’d stood under a giant chute and waited for fabric to just fall on her. Jim, meanwhile, had some ill-advised vested pinstripe number on that seemed to be a vague attempt at honing his inner Justin Timberlake. The whole thing looked ridiculous and clearly solidified his status as a poster boy for the midlife crisis. Lastly, there was Alexis’s mom, who seems like a lovely woman, but for reasons unknown to many, she showed up to the soirée looking like she was Trent Reznor’s biggest fan. The woman had slathered goth makeup all over her new face, causing such a distraction in my mind that I couldn’t even appreciate the various nips and tucks we’d seen her just endure.
Looking a tad bit better was Gretchen, who normally dresses well, but her outfit this time around was a surefire miss. Maybe it was the presence of Slade, who we can’t forget showed up at a summer-ending BBQ back in season two with the sort of trollop that might get Tiger Woods in a tizzy. He certainly has a negative effect on women — on account of his thorough douchiness — and even Laurie (making a surprise return) had to pull Gretchen aside and give her a Seth & Amy-esque “Really!?!?!” talk. And yet despite piles of evidence from the vaults of Bravo (not to mention the testimony of half the women on the cast), Gretchen still thinks Slade is the Bees Knees. We’ll see how that works out…
I suppose though that there’s hope for Slade changing. After all, if Vicki could do it, so can he. Yes, the frenzied blonde mama hen of the series managed to salvage her reputation after last season portrayed her as an evil, psycho bitch. This time around, she became the unsung hero — even if she was still prone to irrational attacks. I’m glad she’s back on track, but I’m even gladder that she’s not above snide remarks such as when one person told her that Alexis needed a nose job and she replied, “She needs a personality job.” CLASSIC.
Of course, Vicki still has her manipulative ways, such as when after insisting that she never ever told Tamra what to do, she then asserted repeatedly that Tamra should get out of her marriage. That’s the Vicki we know and love. And hey, props to Donn for dragging her away from what surely would have been a fiery encounter with Simon. Actually, come to think of it… ANTI-props to Donn. How could he deprive us like that?
Meanwhile, parents of the year Lynne and Frank continued to walk around with their heads up their own asses when they arrived at the party with both their girls totally wasted. Lynne explained that she didn’t realize her daughters were getting drunk because they were allll the way on the other end of the limo, and it was a big limo. Of the feeble excuses Lynne has offered up this season — and there have been many — this may have been one of the most cockamamy. Later, when Alexa had one of her patented meltdowns, Lynne served up another parenting FAIL when she attempted to be Alexa’s best friend instead of telling her to shut the hell up and behave.
Luckily, Jeana and her daughter Kara were there to fix the situation. Kara gave Alexa a good pep talk — the type that might qualify Kara to be a Youthologist in her own right. Jeana, meanwhile, spent most of the party ambling from one group to another, dropping passive-aggressive bombshells on each cluster of people with the casual grace of a concert pianist. Or perhaps cellist. Yes, I think it’s safe to say that Jeana Keough is the Yo Yo Ma of passive aggression. Heck, she even zapped her asshole son Shane, saying that with age comes the ability to be tolerant. “How do you think I learned to tolerate YOU?” she asked with a self-satisfied chuckle. Aw, Jeana. I miss you so.
Anyway, on to the pics…

“Help me! I’m stuck in a douche trap!”

“Did you hear what Vicki said about me? That I need a personality job? You know, I am a very open, God-fearing woman, and I accept all people IRREGARDLESS of their flaws, but I thought that was kind of rude!”
“You’re still not hotter than me.”
“Excuse me.”
“I’M THE HOT HOUSEWIFE, DAMMIT!”

Slade: “I’m so glad we dressed like we’re from 1997.”
“I love you.”
“And I love your fame.”

“What a great party! I do wonder though if they’ll be passing out MONEY.”

“I was under the impression that there’d be pigs in a blanket being served. Except instead of pigs, it would just be MONEY.”

“Do you all like my dress? It’s made entirely of MONEY. I dyed it orange by soaking it in a vat of Monopoly MONEY, which, for the record, is not as valuable as real MONEY, which I have.”

“But Gretchen, don’t you see? Slade is such a DOUCHE!”
“I know! It’s great, right?”

Alexis: “Jim says I’m not supposed to laugh in the presence of men, but Michael, I can’t help it. The Devil made me do it! What’s surf and turf?”

Jeana: “So I hear you’re loving your new job.”
“Yeah, it’s great. I really feel focused for the first time ever.”
“Well, you’ll probably get laid off; so enjoy it while it lasts! Hahahahaha!”

Alexis: “Oooh, Jim. You’re so sexy when you wear strange clothing in an attempt to be young and hip, which you clearly aren’t.”

Lynne: “And here’s my drunkard daughter Alexa.”
Alex: “Mom! How could you say that? I’m so over it! I just want our family back.”
Jeana: “WELL LET ME TELL YOU, it’s all downhill from here. So just get lit and have fun while you can because you only got two or three more years before you’re out of your prime.”
“Uh, thanks?”

Quinn: “Do you like my new haircut? I call it an extended Joyce DeWitt.”

Quinn: “I suppose you could say my new look just sort of evolved from what it was; although, I don’t really believe in evolution… so I guess God just did this to me!”
Jeana: “Who are you again?”

“Hi. We have sun damage.”

The founding members of the Marla Maples Appreciation Society.

“Wow, I feel like I’m in the middle of a surf and turf special. And, of course, as we all know, surf and turf is the classic pairing of bok choy with cantaloupe.”

Simon: “I’m not going to sit here and let Tamra accuse me of being controlling. I am the most supportive, kind-hearted, easy-going husband there is. Now where the HELL is that bitch? I told her she can only stray from my side for thirty seconds at a time.”

Alexis: “This isn’t a dress. I actually got tangled in the draperies and couldn’t get out.”

Ashley: “How funny is it that you work for your MOM now, Michael? Hahahahahaha.”
“And what do you do?”
“I… exist.”

What did you think about the season finale? Thoughts on the season? Thoughts on Simon and Tamra?