REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: We Got To Pray Just To Make It Today!

The Real Housewives of Orange County is truly becoming mesmerizing TV as it enters the final stretch of its season. With cancer, family crises, and financial dilemmas facing the various women, we have a delightful mix of real, urgent storylines that help gravitate some of the more petty diversions. Don’t get me wrong: I love the petty stuff. But unlike Atlanta, which reveled in dumb bickering over things like “Tardy for the Party,” Orange County is grounded in a fascinating reality — one that many viewers most likely can identify with. It’s intriguing, really. Looking at the show from a macro scale, we can see how “Camelot” has crumbled for these women. What used to be a series about spoiled women living the good life has revealed itself to be a sad, miserable peak inside a community on the decline. Perhaps this is a parable for America?
Probably not. And far be it for me to pseudo-intellectualize this show. The point is, there’s more going on under the surface than ever before, and it’s both gripping and, well, hilarious.

As the season has progressed, more and more of the focus has been on Lynne and her family — truly the most interesting element of the show so far. Last week, she and her husband reeled with the news that they’d been evicted from their house, thus forcing the family to face certain truths about their life and status. Frank always seemed like a nice guy, lavishing his wife and daughters with gifts day in and day out. Even when this whole eviction mess surfaced, I had sympathy for him — he was just a guy who wanted the best for his family and got in too deep over his head.
However, watching Frank talk to his wife and Alexa made me realize that the guy might just be delusional. One moment he was talking about them all living beyond their means. Another he was proposing a family vacation. To make it worse, he then spewed all sorts of BS, making empty predictions such as “This is going to be our year” and “Everything will be fine.” It was all so… pathetic. I felt bad for Alexa, who already seemed to have been at a teenage breaking point. I imagine this sort of situation is hard for any daughter in any situation, but having it presented to the nation as entertainment must be particularly difficult to endure. This most certainly will not end well.
In another similarly upsetting storyline, Vicki’s daughter Brianna still hadn’t heard any results about the tumors around her neck. That’s okay though. We know she’s in good hands, especially after participating in Alexis’s impromptu prayer circle. That’s right, our favorite religious enthusiast gathered all the girls together for a rambling, bizarre prayer that seemed to be less about Brianna and more about Alexis displaying her good Christian values in the wake of her blowout with Vicki. Oh, and what a catty, nonsensical blowout it was. It went about as well as any other attempt to confront Vicki has ever gone: ie. poorly.
To her credit, Alexis did have some valid points: Vicki does have a tendency to lace her comments with passive-aggresive barbs. Unfortunately, Alexis wasn’t quite glib enough to express this properly (nor was she savvy enough to realize that a luncheon would not be the best venue for such a discussion). Making matters worse was all this nonsense about being on the phone during meals. Last week, Vicki chided Alexis for taking so many calls from Jim at dinner. Alexis then turned around and bashed Vicki for taking so many calls from her office at lunch. Sure, on the surface, it seemed hypocritical of Vicki, but let’s be honest — a voluntary, lovey-dovey chat with the hubby versus a necessary business call is not the same thing. Either way, Vicki pulled the old “You don’t know me!” line (which she conveniently pulls whenever possible, despite clearly passing judgment on others she also barely knows), and even though, she ultimately returned to the table, it was evident the blow-up had not blown over.
Later, Vicki bitched about the situation to Tamra, who continues to be stuck in the middle of this mess between The Vickster and Simon. I’m loathe to ever say “poor Tamra,” but seriously, poor Tamra has really surrounded herself with some awful, petty people. Same goes for Vicki, who probably rues the day she cast aside her trusty, albeit passive-aggressive, friend Jeana.
Meanwhile, Alexis invited the local pastor over for brunch (he of the sage advice: “Quit whining!”) in an effort to assuage any guilt she felt about her confrontation with Vicki. She wasn’t so much as looking for spiritual guidance as she was hoping to be simply let off the hook. The brunch was full of all sorts of strange moments, such as when Alexis asked the pastor’s wife what it was like to have to be perfect all the time, and Jim alluding to neighbors coveting his wife’s breast-size. I would not call these people particularly introspective types; nor would I call them terribly educated — at least as far as they’re being portrayed on camera. Don’t tell Jim though. The guy acts like a know-it-all, and even though the concept of unscrewing the lid of a coffee pot is foreign to him, he still condescendingly acts like the authority on practically every subject he encounters. Of course, that doesn’t mean he actually is the authority anything. A few weeks ago, we saw him refer to flamingos as swans, and last night, he announced that surf and turf was not lobster and steak (even though in almost all instances, it is).
Elsewhere in California, Gretchen and Slade went off for a romantic weekend at Merv Griffin’s Palm Springs estate, which gave us yet another wonderful opportunity to witness what a douche Slade is. Look, he’s ten times better than Jim, but the guy just reeks of phoniness. And let’s not even talk about the way he addresses Gretchen’s parents. Okay, maybe we should talk about it. The guy is entirely too cavalier. I’m not sure the way to win over Gretchen’s mom is to continually joke about the fact that she hates him so much. Seems a bit forward to me. Eh.
Nevertheless, here’s the photocap:

“You know, Slade, the more I look at you, the more I start to realize that you are QUITE the douchebag!”

Tamra: “It’s very important for me to push my daughter about in this protective carriage. It’s made of special fabric that reflects all heat away, which is important on account of all my latent HOTNESS. You know, because I’m the HOT HOUSEWIFE.”

“Brianna, did your mom leave the table because she was mad? Or was it because she couldn’t sit next to all my HOTNESS? Because I have a lot of it. They shouldn’t call this the Water Bar. They should call it the HOT Bar. Because I’m here, and I’m HOT!!!”

“It’s just not fair, Mom!”
“I know sweetie. But we’ll make it up to you. How about we buy you a new car?”
“We can’t afford it!”
“You’re right. We’ll get you TWO new cars!”
“Mom!”
“And then it’s off to vacation!!!”
“We can’t do that!!!!”
“I don’t know. I think this is gonna be our year. Hey, let’s buy a house!”

“Sweetie, you know I love you. You’re my favorite daughter. Well, second-favorite. We like Raquel a little more.”

Simon: “These girls are consuming your life.”
Tamra: “No, they’re not!”
“Are you gonna let me finish?”
“I thought you were done.”
“I wasn’t.”
“Okay, so finish.”
“Tamra.”
“What?”
“That’s it. That’s all I had left to say.”

Alexis: “I think you have to realize that God teaches us two things: we must have fake boobs, and we must wear clothes that only a seventy year old woman in Boca Raton would wear.”

“Why doesn’t everyone all calm down and buy some thousand dollar leather jackets?”

Jim: “Pastor, I was just telling Alexis that the key to marriage is knowing when you’re the surf and when you’re the turf — which, as we all know, is an allusion to the famous restaurant pairing of pumpkin and grouper.”

Pastor: “The Lord works in funny ways, Alexis. But we must always remember his most profound message: quit whining!”
Alexis: “So true…”

“God is so funny because sometimes something will happen, and I’ll be thinking about it, and then the next day something else will happen, and I’ll be like ‘God, did you do that on purpose?’ and God’ll be all like ‘I dunno…’ and I’ll be like ‘Come on, God. I know you did.’ LOLOLOLOLOL.”

“I think I’m going through The Change. I’m starting to get HOT flashes, or as I call them, ME flashes.”

“Jim, what does the word ‘vapid’ mean? Is it like ‘pretty?’ Because a lot of people have been using it around me lately.”

“Jim, are you distracted by my puffy sleeve-lets? I made them out of a pillow case.”

“Jim, why is tin foil sometimes called aluminum foil?”

“Jim, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?”

“Jim, do you think water wings are sexy? Because that’s the inspiration behind my dress.”

“Jim, if I made two giant marshmallows and stuck my arms through them, would that turn you on? Because that’s sort of what this dress was supposed to evoke.”

“Jim, would you be mad if you found out I had dunked my arms in a vat of shaving cream right before dinner?”

“Jim, if I told you I had murdered the Michelin Man’s two children and attached their heads to my arms as a sign of ceremonial pride, would that turn you on?”

“Jim, do you remember those cloud things from Super Mario Brothers that the bad guy would throw spikey things down from? Well I have two of them, and they’re on my arms.”

“Alexis, SERIOUSLY, I’m trying to eat my surf and turf, which as we all know is steak and watercress. Watercress, you see, is a fish that comes from the water, not to be confused with the landcress, which roams the forests. Hence, surf and turf.”

Vicki: “I feel attacked. This isn’t fun. This is like work; something I know a lot about because IIIIIIIIIII have a job!”
“Yes, Mom, we know–“
“You know? Do you? Is ‘knowing’ like your job or something? Because guess what? I actually have a job, and I work!”
Tamra: “Sweetie, what we’re trying to say–“
“Say. That rhymes with pay. And you only get paid if you have a job, WHICH I HAVE!!!”

“Hi honey. You’re just in time. I want to show you something. It’s our new condo! Actually, I bought three of them. Down in Florida. The market’s gonna turn around soon, and then we’ll be able to sell them for millions. This is gonna be our year!!”

“Okay, fine. I’ll admit it. I LOVE CRUISEWEAR. Is that so wrong?”

“Oooh! How lovely! I’m going to call this house Merv Griffin Beauté!”

Alexis: “Lord, may you bless Brianna the way you have blessed me, and may her life be as large and impressive as my very own breasts.”
Vicki: “For the record, Alexis, this does NOT count as work.”

What did you think about the episode?