This weekend, the blogosphere, Twitter, and Facebook all lit up with talk of the GRAMMYS, and while the show was certainly impressive — what with its feats of acrobatic placenta symbolism, courtesy of Pink — the real entertainment this weekend came from a smaller, sadder, but no less iconic ceremony: Miss America 2010. The show, long mired in old-fashioned values and schmaltzy production values, has proven itself to be perfect fodder to judgmental jerks like me, and this year was no exception. For those of you who missed this most celebrated of pageants, fear not. I have a full photocap after the jump…
“Oh, hi. Don’t mind me. I’m just standing on top of this casino pretending to be Stevie Nicks. Isn’t it grand?”
A sneak peak at Fox’s new reality sensation, “So You Think You Can Move Your Arms A Little Bit?”
“Isn’t it funny how OLD we all look?”
“I’m going through menopause.”
“Beat the beat, yo! Beat the beat!”
“I don’t know about you guys, but I sure could go for a big slab of MAN right about now.”
“Hi, I’m Miss Maryland, and if there’s one thing I’m the expert on, it’s crabs! Wait, that didn’t sound right.”
“The more I talk, the farther apart my eyes get!”
“Hey look, I’m doing my Paul Frank monkey impersonation!”
“Hey boys, I’m single and ready to mingle. My special talent? Desperation!”
“I like to think of myself as the cougar version of Miley Cyrus.”
“Thunder only happens when it raaaaaaiiins….”
“Hey, who wants to come get some beer and watch hockey? Sully’s pickin’ me up on the cornah!”
“My name is Nicole Pollard, and if you select me to be your Miss America, I promise I will finally wash my face!”
“Hope this works out for me! Otherwise, next stop: porn!”
“I can’t wait to slip on some mom jeans.”
“I swear to God, the next person who calls me Sofia Vergara will get punched in the face.”
“Seriously, I’m the hottest one here. How did I not even get into the semifinals?”
“Hi. I’m Heidi Montag.”
“My name is Ashley Shaffer, I’m from New Jersey, and I’ve been selling real estate for forty-five years!”
“I just DID IT with Mario Lopez.”
“And what’s the deal with answering machines. You ask them a question, and they don’t answer. Am I right people? Am I right?”
“Just like the white winged dove… Sings a song… Sounds like she’s singing… Whoo… whoo… whoo……”
“You better give me the crown. I took a sick day from Denny’s for this!”
“Don’t mess with Texas. Or my tanning booth.”
“My name is Whitney, and I love JAZZ! Beee boop ba beeep, let’s get a high hat going. Ba ba ba!!”
“Also, Ann Jillian is my idol.”
“And I’m 64.”
“Someday, I hope I can work in human resources. Someday…”
“There’s tragedy behind my eyes.”
“Hello, my name is Boobs McBoobserstein, and I’m here to represent the greatest state of all: boobs.”
“Technically, I prefer the term ‘asparagus,’ but I suppose, yes, you could say my head is shaped like a penis.”
“So…. this isn’t the auditions for RuPaul’s Drag Race?”
“Hi there. I’m Brooke White, and if you don’t mind, I’m going to talk over this entire competition for the next few hours. Great. Thanks so much. I’ll just do that now. Okay. Wonderful.”
“WHAT? We have to select the last girl to make the semifinals? BUT I’M INCAPABLE OF CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS!”
“Oh mah gah. This is not happening. Oh mah gah.”
“That whore isn’t going to vote for me, is she? And to think I felt bad about blowing her boyfriend. And her dad. And her brother. And her uncles. Bitch.”
Ladies, we’re back on the air. GET BACK TO YOUR SEATS.
Ambition, personified.
“I also secretly want to build a kite out of marshmallows, but we’ll just focus on the cupcakes for now.”
“Yeah, I once visited a college in India, and that’s pretty much the same as attending it, except for all the learning and experience and knowledge and stuff.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you… PIANO!”
In an unfortunate turn of events, Miss New Mexico just barely misses out on the oft overlooked rule that any contestant automatically becomes Miss America should her grandma live to 104.
“In many ways, I feel very much like Batman. We’re both mysterious, we’re both brooding, and we both have leathery exteriors.”
“You know, if you put a giant bat on my dress, I’d be the logo!”
“See?”
“And now I shall take on Batman’s greatest talent: singing opera.”
“Like Batman, I found that stopping crime helped mend the wounds of early childhood trauma. Except instead of stopping crime, I took care of pets.”
“If there’s anything America needs, it’s a pageant queen with the leadership required to feed a parakeet.”
Wow, that’s actually a relevant factoid that informs us about Miss Hawaii’s character and goals. Maybe she really is a woman of substance.
Never mind.
“I’ve been shot! Who could have done such a thing???”
“It was me, bitch! DIE DIE DIE!!!!!”
“Do you like my outfit? It’s like I put a cocktail dress over an evening gown. I call it a DROWN.”
Claudia: “My name is Claudia Hartman, and I’d like to thank you in advance for shooting me at the lowest, most unflattering angle you could possibly pick.”
Miss Virginia: “Sorry about that. In other news, I’m Beyoncé.”
In an unexpected turn of events, the new Miss America celebrates her victory by taking a dump on stage.
One of your best photocaps yet!
Ahem, where is Miss Michigan? Could they not pull her out of the unemployment line long enough to step on stage? You havent seen desperation until you see a Michigan Beauty Pagent (I should know I have 6 neices involved and while they are not desperate, some of the other girls and mothers are a rare treat!).
And OMG I thought I would die laughing at Miss Asparagus head – where did they find her? As a matter of fact most of these women are hideous. Really America, cant you do better than that?
Great screencaps Bside – had me rolling!
Loved it! But it was nice to finally have Virginia represented.
I’d have to say that you out did yourself on this one. So So funny.
OMG. Amaaaazing. I can’t believe the facts they flashed up on screen! Who came up with that idea?!
Those chicks were booty.
Whats really distrubing is the Duggar family birth crap advertised on almost every slide. Why are they pushing those robotic self rightous media whores? Look its dad Duggar and his phony ass permagrin supporting mommy the vagina goo blaster as shoves another garbage producing vegetable. Thats right. I hate the Duggars. ..
Amazing!!! I will put vaseline on my teeth as thanks to you.
Miss Montana –> That is a face that could inspire many a “walks into a bar” jokes.
Funniest photocap yet! The Heidi Montag comment was right on…I was saying that that anyone who would listen when I watched. Ok, that means the cat.
This is epic. Surely this post will go down in the annals of bloggery as the best photocap of all time. In fact the only error that I see is a severe lack of jash. And please tell me you elongated Miss Horsefa… I mean… Miss Montana. Please.