What Cablevision Customers Are Missing on the Food Network

As many people in the New York tri-state region have come to discover, Cablevision has dropped the Food Network and HGTV from its cable lineup in the wake of a contract feud with the channels’ parent company Scripps. This means that for the past week or so, consumers have been left with no Ina, no Giada, and no whatever it is they show on HGTV. My heart sincerely goes out to them because honestly, they’ve missed quite a bit. Not only did Michelle Obama turn up on an Iron Chef spectacular (which I didn’t watch — oops!), but there’s been a whole host of new content that’s worth noting.
Fear not though. I’ve conveniently detailed a list of the most important Food Network moments from today so you can feel like you’ve been watching along all this time. A full log after the jump.

12:30 PM
Giada De Laurentiis welcomes us into her yuppie world as she gathers a large group of late ’30s couples in her backyard for a barbecue featuring a lame band and heaps of casual adoration for her toddler. Midway through the show, Giada stands off to the side and lets her younger sister participate in the kitchen, but things go awry when Giada simply can’t contain her disdain and lets some passive-aggressive bon mots slip out. When her sister asks “Is this right?” Giada responds with “No, it’s wrong. But then again, that’s pretty much the story of your life, right? HAHAHAHAHA!!!” The sister then clams up, visibly upset, causing Giada to then add, “Aw, don’t be mad. Not everyone can be as successful as I am. HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! Omg, you’re still doing it wrong.” The scene ends with the sister storming out of the kitchen, and Giada telling us “I guess she just couldn’t handle making spa-GHET-TTTTINI.”

1:00 PM
Inexplicably dressed as a busty Martha Washington and carrying a martini in one hand, a drunken Sandra Lee rings in the New Year by introducing us to her latest master creation: cantaloupe chili bowls. Over the next ten minutes, she unevenly saws off the top of a cantaloupe, scoops out the middle, and pours in a fresh can of Hormel Chili with Beans. Sandra then adds taco seasoning to amp up the flavor and garnishes with frozen berries and a paper umbrella she’s bejeweled with oversized plastic pearls from Michael’s. Upon sensing our disgust, she then tries to sell the dish to us by flaring her eyes and asking, “Now doesn’t that look just DELICIOUS?” Sandra then takes the leftover melon innards, drops them in a blender, drizzles in a mysteriously brand-less maple syrup, adds two or three cups of vodka, and then presents us with her latest cocktail creation: the Lusty Elephant. The drink and the cantaloupe are then placed on a “tablescape” formed from seashells and old pipe cleaners, the latter having been bent to resemble miniature versions of the Eiffel Tower. Middle America rejoices.
1:30 PM
Anne Burrell announces that she’ll be serving up a classic Tuscan meat dish, but instead she spends the next twenty minutes repeating the word “lovely” and swirling her arms as if she has invisible glow-sticks in her hands. She does pause momentarily, however, to say “I always have time for thyme,” which is then followed by alarming guttural noises that suggest she may be in need of an exorcism. Closer inspection reveals that she’s merely talking about “BRRRROWN” food. Shockingly, she somehow manages to plate up an amazing dish, but not without repeating for the umpteenth time, “Look at me, always thinking ahead!”
2:00 PM
Guy Fieri dons his most impressive bowling shirt, places some sunglasses behind his head, and then gets half a sentence out before all of America simultaneously switches the channel and/or writes a letter to their cable provider, urging them to follow Cablevision’s lead.

2:30 PM
With a shaky cam zooming in and out as if we’re watching some food-based version of NYPD Blue, we catch up with Tyler Florence, who insists on calling us “guys” as if we’re a) five feet away from him, b) his friends, and c) okay with this suddenly colloquial relationship. Over-familiarity be damned, Tyler does his thing, and despite trying to act like just a normal guy, he can’t help but show off his cooking skillz by chopping an onion up faster than it ever needs to be chopped and tossing items into a pan with such urgency, you’d think he was racing against an impending apocalypse. Luckily, he does pause now and then to reassure us that he’s taking us on a worthwhile journey, often boasting, “I’m telling you guys, this is the best tomato sauce YOU’LL EVER HAVE!!” or “I’m telling you guys, your friends are gonna thank you for this… because it’s gonna be the best chicken broth THEY’LL EVER HAVE!!!” or “When I made this dish for my wife Tolan, she didn’t eat it because she hates duck, which is a shame because I’m telling you guys, it was the best duck SHE WOULD HAVE EVER HAD!!!”
3:00 PM
Rachel Ray destroys the concept of “puns” by announcing her latest dish: a fusion of pizza and soup called “Pizzoup.” She then spends fifteen minutes carefully stacking every ingredient in her arms from the fridge and pantry, insistent that she arrive at the cutting board in one trip — even if it is perilous and time consuming. As Rachel cuts her various veggies and waits for her EVOO to heat up, she tells an inane story about shoveling snow and how it really makes her feel so good — unless it’s too cold out, in which case she might get the sniffles. When it becomes clear that her story has no arc, Rachel does a strange, forced giggle and then immediately turns to her pan and tries to redirect attention there — which we’re more than happy to do (until we remember that she’s making “Pizzoup” and want to turn away IMMEDIATELY).
3:30 PM
As the sounds of hearty giggling and country guitar strumming fill our ears, we realize that it’s time for Paula Deen to do her thing — which means emptying a tub of butter into a saucepan and calling it bisque. Apparently drunk on leftover eggnog from the holidays (y’all), Paula spends the entire episode pinching her husband (aka Santa Claus) in the ass — and pretty much anything else that moves (this includes her sons, her dogs, the camera man, and even a door knob she’s mistaken for Colonel Sanders). In the end, a giant ham descends from the heavens and careens into her face, knocking the poor woman out, but not before she squeezes her boobs and says “Would you look at what momma’s got, y’all?? Heyyyy!!!”
4:00 PM
It’s a Next Food Network Star special. Three young chefs must cook a three course meal for a judging panel of Bob Tuschman, Bobbie Flay, and Susie Fogelson. It’s a disaster all around. Bobbie Flay calls each contestant worthless, adding “I-I-I just didn’t get it. I mean, what is that? Not good.” Bob Tuschman is a bit kinder, cooing “We really love you, and you have such a wonderful personality. The camera ADORES you. But we just don’t get you. I’m so sorry.” Susie, however, cuts right to the core of the problem, shaking her head at the contestants and saying, “This felt mediocre.” She then flutters her hands up, closes her eyes, and says “I need to not be here.” Broken dreams ensue.

5:00 PM
The always welcome image of Ina Garten appears on our screen as the lovely hostess from the Hamptons greets us in her barn, telling us “My friends Frank and Miguel are coming over tonight for bridge, and they absolutely insist I make a seafood dinner. But with all the fishing and the gutting and the scrubbing, I say no thank you! [Inhale, small laugh] So I thought, why not treat them to a full seafood dinner, but without the fuss? First I’m making a shrimp scampi, but with the volume turned up! Next, it’s back to basics, Barefoot Style with a baked halibut casserole in a butter sauce with a butter pastry dough on top. Then, for dessert, I’m making my favorite: butter cookies with butter-braised berries drizzled with a light butter sauce. Hmmm… something tells me fun is in the CARDS for tonight.”
And just when you think she’s done, Ina adds, “That’s what a night like this is all about: good food and fun with friends.”
And then when you think she’s truly done, she adds “I’m really looking forward to it.”
At last it’s time for the opening credits, but WAIT. She continues: “It’s Back to Basics: Seafood Dinner!”
Cue the piano music! Oh wait, there’s more: “It’s going to be great.”
Finally, the show begins in earnest, and we watch as Ina blends four sticks of butter with a cup of sugar in her mixer, all the while telling us, “I used to make this every day for years [inhale, laugh… long pause….] I know it’s a lot of butter, but it’s worth it. The last thing you want is under-buttered fish. BLAH!” Ina then adds half a cup of salt to the mixture and then looks into the camera, asking, “Hmmm… I wonder what Miguel is up to?”
We then cut to Miguel, who is inexplicably in Ina’s backyard, stuffing long-stemmed snapdragons into a paint can and teaching us about the finer nuances of flower arrangements. After about thirty seconds, Miguel then turns to the camera and says, “I hope Michael is doing okay with his errands.” We then cut to Michael rushing into Loaves and Fishes to procure a pound cake from Anna Pump, who stands behind the counter as if she’d been anointed the stolid custodian of all gourmet side salads. Michael somehow manages to reference his love of the color orange before rushing out the door, citing his busy schedule and a general need to get things done before going to Ina’s. A puzzled Anna looks at the camera and shakes her head with a frustration that seems say “Americans.”
When we return to Ina, Frank has suddenly appeared, looming over her shoulder and taking primitive notes on a pad with a giant Sharpee. We don’t really know what’s going on, but Ina’s having a blast, and she frequently turns to Frank before every step of the cooking process and asks “Does that sound good to you?” Frank then eagerly nods his head and says yes, causing Ina to chuckle heartily and say “I thought so!” At one point, Ina must step away to her pantry, but before doing so, she sternly warns Frank, “Don’t have any fun without me!” Ina then waltzes into the pantry (which is all of ten feet away) and pretends to ponder her next ingredient, even though she clearly knows what it is (and inevitably, it’s always framboise).
Eventually Jeffrey shows up at the front door, and Ina greets him with a kiss that lasts about a second longer than what we’re comfortable with. “Something smells great!” he says upon surfacing for air. “You think so?” Ina replies as she casts an arm around his shoulders and leads him through the barn, chuckling all the while. “Come this way…” she says, perhaps a tad too suggestively.
The episode finally ends with the whole gang sitting around a table, laughing and sampling Ina’s goods. Jeffrey announces that the halibut is the best he’s ever had, causing Ina to remark “You always say that!” Everyone laughs, and when things settle down, Ina turns to TR (who was never invited to dinner but has appeared nonetheless so he can leer at the camera) and says “If I weren’t here, Jeffrey would be eating ice cream and bread crumbs right now.” Later, everyone gathers around the piano, and Susan Stroman (or “Stro”) plays showtunes, much to everyone’s delight (except for perhaps Bobbie Lieberman, who sits in a corner and mutters about how SHE can play the piano too but no one ever wants to hear HER). Sadly, just as we’re feeling most engaged, the show abruptly ENDS, and a void in our life commences.
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So yeah, that’s pretty much all the good stuff. I hope this has helped, and for all those still hankering for Food Network — I feel your pain. Keep fighting the good fight!