Introducing the iPadma

The tech world has been rocked this week by a major announcement in portable computing. I’m talking, of course, about the iPadma — a revolutionary new device that let’s you access all the many features of Padma Lakshmi right at your finger tips. No longer must one wait hours on end for Bravo to air another Top Chef marathon. Now busy travelers can take Padma with them and enjoy her sexy drawl wherever they may be: an airplane, a subway, or even at the DMV.
A full tour of this groundbreaking new device after the jump…

“Hello. Welcome to the iPadma. Or as I call it, the iMe.”

“This revolutionary new technology will make you think I’m right in your hands, calmly telling you to put your utensils down, hands up. Or is it hands up, utensils down? No matter. You can have it either way.”

“Oh look. Here comes my dear friend, Gail Simmons.”

“Doesn’t she look adorable with her antiquated OS? Bless her heart.”

iGail: “You know, Padma, in many ways I was the precursor to you and many other handheld devices that we take for granted in today’s–“

“You’ll have to forgive my dear friend, Gail Simmons. I think she’s had one too many Slippery Nipples this evening. It was Happy Hour at the Olive Garden after all. Bless her heart…”

iGail: “Actually, I’m totally sober, and what I was saying was that–“

“And what I was saying was that my screen resolution is unparalleled. And look, I come pre-installed with my favorite NPR podcasts.”

“Unfortunately, my dear friend Gail Simmons doesn’t have enough memory for media storage, but if you’re so inclined, you can always tap out the rhythm of your favorite tune on her surface, bless her heart.”

iTom: “Hey ladies.”
iGail: “Hi Tom!”
iPadma: “Shhhhhhh, Gail. He was only pluralizing to be polite. He has no true intent of addressing you.”

iPad: “Tom, we simply must head over to the Whitney. There’s a divine exhibition running that’s worth seeing.”
iTom: “What about Gail?”
iPadma: “Oh, she’ll be fine. There’s a sale on Cheez-Its down at the dollar store. She’ll be distracted for hours, bless her heart.”

iGail: “Hey, where are you guys going?”
iTom: “Should we invite her along?”
“I’m afraid she may be underdressed. As much as I’m envious of Gail’s flair for finding gems at JC Penney, I fear her personal style might not be appreciated where we’re going.”
iTom: “She looks alright to me.”
iPadma: “Oh she looks wonderful, don’t get me wrong. And if this were 1993, she’d be the belle of the ball. But, you know, it’s not. Her hair is inspired though, bless her heart.”

iTom: “I really think we should invite her.”
iPadma: “Oh Tom, you comedian. Let’s just go before she finds out there’s cotton candy where we’re headed.”

iGael: “Why hello there. It’s me, Gael Greene from Top Chef Masters.”
iTom: “Gael, what are you doing here?”
iGael: “I’m old school, Tom. I don’t require technology. I’m just a legal pad.”

iGael: “Back in my day, we used to take legal pads to the beach and write down our every whim and emotion. Sometimes, with the sand between my toes and the wind swirling around my bosom, I was tempted to shed my clothes entirely and float into the waves, Mother Nature’s fertile liquid seeping into my every pore. But instead I would merely give myself over to the magic of the pen, letting the letters be my voice, the papers my soul.”

iPadma: “That’s a beautiful story, Gael, but we really must be going–“
iGael: “I remember a young F. Scott Fitzgerald once telling me that to write is to be, and to be is to write. We made love twelve times that night, each thrust an ephemeral pleasure never to be forgotten, always to be treasured. My pelvis had never been more sore.”

iGael: “Tom, I would very much like to write you something on my pad. Is that okay?”
iTom: “Uh… sure.”

iGael: “How about we ditch these broads and get down to business behind the dumpster?”
iPadma: “I call Gail that too! Bless her heart….”

iTom: “I’m a bit uncomfortable with this proposition, Gael.”
iGael: “Don’t be scared. I’m very gentle. Until I’m not. Grrrrowl!”

iGael: “I give this dish FIVE STARS. Would you like to try, Tom?”

iTom: “Gael, c’mon.”
iGael: “Okay, okay. Let’s start with a blank page, shall we?”
iTom: “I’d like that.”

iTom: “Do I like langoustines?”
iGael: “It’s an honest question.”
iTom: “Well… then yes, I do like langoustines very much.”

iTom: “Really, Gael? Really?”
iGael: “I’m sorry, Tom. Momma needs lovin’ also. What about you, Padma? You ever taste the lady juice? Mine’s been aged to perfection.”

“Hey, where’d everyone go?”
iGail: “I’m still here!”
“Please dear, I do have some standards, bless your heart.”