Jersey Shore has arrived, and it’s just as awful as you’d expect… and of course I’ll be watching every moment of it. It’s full of the “guido” and “guidette” stereotypes you’d expect, and what’s most surprising is that all the cast members seem to be shockingly self-aware of the image they’re participating in and purveying. It’s sort of sad, but then again, that might just be my elitist bias at work. Nevertheless, for the uninitiated, the series takes eight twentysomethings of Italian descent and sticks them in a nasty, wood-paneled house on the Jersey Shore. This ain’t no Real World experience. There might be a few nice amenities (hot tub on the roof), but overall, I wouldn’t call this Grade-A MTV lodging. Nevertheless, this hapless group of four guys and four dolls have apparently been sent to this shabby hovel to spend a summer on the Shore working at one of those awful t-shirt shops that populate every boardwalk in America. Horizon-broadening experience this is not.
That being said, there’s something horrifying yet watchable about these “yooots.” For anyone who has spent more than five minutes watching Jersey Shore videos on Youtube, this is cultural rubbernecking at its best (and worst). And yet, it’s oddly refreshing to watch this group. We’ve become quietly trained to expect only middle class kids on reality TV (ie. The Real World); so it’s nice to see some mooks from different segments of the population getting their time in the spotlight. My only wish was that a) some of these cast members had anything interesting to say for themselves, and b) the production of this show wasn’t so shoddy. It truly makes one pine for the glossy sheen of my former employer, Bunim-Murray. Say what you will about The Real World and its spin-offs, but the production on those shows is top notch. Jersey Shore, meanwhile, looks like half of it was shot with a Flip Cam. Not good.
Anyway, after the jump is a photocap from the (TWO HOUR?!?!? WTF, MTV?) season premiere.
“I got my hair blown out, my muscle-T on, and ten gallons of bronzer in my bag. Jersey Shore here I come, yo!”
“My name is Snooki, and just because I look forty-five doesn’t mean I’m not sexy. Heeeeeey boyz!!!”
“They call me The Situation. Why? Because I love Wolf Blitzer. OBVS!”
“I like my shorts as short as possible. I would wear dental floss if that weren’t illegal. If no one sees my vag on the street, that’s a bad day, yo!”
“Well, looks like I’m all packed: seven pairs of jeans, fifteen pairs of underwear and socks, and absolutely no shirts.”
“My name is Angelina, and I’m the hot one — as evidenced by my doughy midsection and generally pear shaped figure. Sizzle!”
The lap of luxury.
“So here’s the deal: I’m going to do all these shots and then molest every boy in the most embarrassing and pathetic way possible. Everyone ready?”
“Let me tell yous something: this is one classy boardwalk.”
Pauly: “Where’s our money?”
Angelina: “My Zima won’t pay for itself.”
Sammi: “Why you going? Is it because I said I didn’t want your puke breath on me? I only meant that in the nicest way.”
Mike: “Hey Sammi — check out this girl’s t-shirt. It says ‘I love the Situation.'”
Sammi: “What IS the Situation anyway?”
“Genital herpes.”
“My name is Jenni, but you can call me Jwoww. Or Jboobs. Whatevah you like, you frickin’ mook.”
“I can’t believe I’m stuck here sellin’ frickin’ t-shirts when I could be out there hooking up with dem broads. And by ‘hooking up,’ I mean ‘watching while they hook up with other guys.'”
Mike: “You like this couch?”
Sammi: “It’s very fancy. Is it from Ethan Allen?”
“Who’s that? Why are you hooking up with him? You’re MINE!”
Pauly: “Check it out: I’m hypnotizing your frickin’ vagina.”
“Oh Pauly! Put your Jtongue in my Jwoww!”
Sammi: “Listen, Mikey, if I’m gonna get crabs this summah, I want them to come from Ronnie. Just sayin’.”
Ronnie: “I wanna give you my crabs.”
Sammi: “Your crabs are so hot. Do they listen to house music?”
“Every time I scratch them, baby!”
What did you think about the show? Fun? Awful? Both?
I don’t know what I think of the show, but I *do* know what I think of unexpected Wolf Blitzer jokes: I think they’re hilarious!
“I feel like this (hanging up & selling t-shirts) is beneath me. I’m a bartender. I do great things.” Angelina
forgetaboutit.
hb
“Everytime I scratch them, baby!”
AHAHA!!
Is it me or does Snooki look like Christina Aguilera back in her Dirrty days?
@Margie
I TOTALLY agree regarding the Christina Aguilera comment. She looks like a Dirrty squashed Xtina.
sad to admit – i LOVE this show!
Its like a car accident, you just gotta watch………
“elitist bias” you crack me up
The house does look pretty dumpy for MTV. You can smell the mold through the tv.
Holy Sheep are these people from another planet? Wow!
Snooki (or Snickers as the roommates call her) was also in an episode of MTV’s Is She Really Going Out With Him. She was dating a tiny Guido douchebag. In that show I think she said she was like 4’11”.
I’m psyched that you’re capping this show.
I saw a that picture of the house earlier this week and I was wondering how they have all that stuff on their outside deck, it seems tiny.
My name is Angelina, and I’m the hot one — as evidenced by my doughy midsection and generally pear shaped figure. Sizzle!”
Your captions are hysterical, but I found this show hard to watch, and I usually like a train wreck. I guess it’s just the epic proportions of this particular wreck that are hard to swallow.
I hope I am not putting this in a million times.
I was so looking forward to this show because it was anything like MTV’s True Life- I have a Jersey Shore House- then it was going to be an awesome show. But I have to say this show is a big let down- it seems very staged and fake that good reality shows make attempts to hide. Also yes the production is very poor. The whole trying to make the show look clips for old surfing movies in the 60s really just looks like a budget saving effort. I love the cultural rubbernecking, great phrase B-Side, that the other Jersey Shore shows gave us. This was just seems like a complete farce filled with a cast of people picked because they are these perfect caricatures of a guido or a guidette.
And the Xtian comment.
And I am in agreement with the cast of the show that them having to work is lame. I would much rather just watch them in their daily routine of waking up hung over, working out, main lining protein shakes, getting ready to go out, drinking, getting ready, getting ready, talking about how great they look and how many chick/dudes they are going to pull, pre-partying, getting ready, going out, trying to hook up…do it all over again. I would never get bored.
Love your website B-Side.
What I thought about the photo recap: AWESOME
What I though about the show: I am going to watch, maybe love it, and wishing it could be a touch better.
Speaking of “True Life — I Have a Jersey Shore House….” Isn’t this the same house? I think it may also be the same house from “True Life — I’m a Jersey Shore Girl,” but I’m not absolutely sure.
1) All the girls will ultimately look like Estelle Getty.
2) It would almost be worth letting David Berkowitz out for the duration of the show so we could crack jokes about “Summer of Sam” comparisons.
3) My ultimate version of this show would be to move the Jersey Shore goombahs to The Hamptons, to share a house with some Manhattan social register types. I can totally see Olivia, Nevin and Freddie Fackelmeyer having a little cocktail soiree on the terrace while the Jersey Shore people have a naked keg-stand contest in the kitchen. Seriously, I would watch that show religiously…