HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Keeping Abreast of the Orange County Ladies

While I was away in New York, a marvelous thing happened: the new season of The Real Housewives of Orange County premiered, and just in time, too. No disrespect to Nene, Kim, Sherayay et. al, but the Atlanta crew was getting seriously stale by the end of the season. Somewhere at the halfway point, the show became less loony fun and more generic noise. Sometimes it felt like we were watching nothing but a series of photo shoots and Nene gab sessions. Point is that the Atlanta housewives fizzled out in a most boring way.
But now we have the blonde bitches of Orange County to watch, and their shameless cattiness is a pure joy to take in. Picking up right where we left them at last season’s reunion have been Gretchen and Tamra, whose relationship continues to devolve beyond repair. At a dinner for Lynne’s cuff line, the two women exchanged cutting blows, leading to a particularly heated discussion amongst the entire group. It all played out the way we would expect it: Tamra attacked, Gretchen defended, Jeana occasionally piped up with a “That was mean” or “Christ, Tamra” type of comment, and Vicki merely passed judgment with dismissive eyes, amusingly taking Tamra’s side whenever Gretchen deigned to snap back. Ultimately, as this week’s episode began, Gretchen did what we’ve been waiting for her to do: she told Tamra to “shut the f**k up.” This advice was not taken well. Tamra up and stormed out of the dinner, ranting and raving in the hallways about Gretchen sleeping her way to 1.7 million dollars in the process. Yes, it was the glorious ravings of a jealous bitch whose limelight has faded, and it was all wonderful.

The rest of the episode was considerably less intense, but still rather fascinating. We learned that when not spewing venom, Tamra is juggling mounting pressures in her life: finances and her controlling husband. Simon has never come off as the warmest guy in the world, but his icy passive-aggression to his wife this season has certainly re-cemented his status as the biggest dick on the show. This is a major accomplishment, especially since I never thought we’d see the day when Slade would relinquish said title. However, Slade seems hellbent on showing us he’s a funny, awesome guy. I don’t buy it. I remember how he acted on season one of the show, and you don’t go from THAT (controlling asshole / co-dependent jerk) to goofy party dude. Clearly he’s putting on a façade in a lame effort to secure his own Bravo show (a quest he’s semi-successfully achieved in the past, to awful results). Like many a reality star, it seems as though if there’s a camera nearby, Slade is there, and his entire romance with Gretchen feels icky and contrived (at least on his part).
Meanwhile, over in Lynne Land, our favorite cuff entrepreneur was busy wrangling in her daughters, who seem destined for a life of therapy at this point. It all started when Lynne headed to the plastic surgeon to consult about her umpteenth facelift. Her eldest spawn came along as well, hoping to nab a nose job — all leading the younger daughter (aka the pretty one) to burst into tears as she questioned why her mom and sister would want to change their perfect faces. It was oddly touching, sad, and disturbing, and ultimately, it all ended with the girl requesting a beer at a party, much to Lynne’s dismay. Why Lynne was shocked was beyond me. This was the same woman who let her kids sip martinis at a dinner party. Sounds like someone’s trying to deflect some negative press.
As for Jeana, we didn’t see much of her this past week. She mainly complained about finances and slummed around with her daughter, whose big news was that she was a waitress (operation Stalk Jeana’s Daughter in Westwood commencing NOW!). It wasn’t a particularly engaging story line, but then again, it’s always fun to see jaded Jeana amble around anywhere with those sad, sad eyes.
In terms of other mother-daughter experiences, a far more entertaining one came in the form of Vicki, who brought her daughter and her mother to Rome for a little girls-only holiday. The three trekked all over the city, sampling the food and taking in the sights in what appeared to be a perfectly lovely jaunt. Of course, you wouldn’t know that if you asked Vicki’s mom, who hilariously complained about every little thing on the trip. Cranky seniors – I could watch them all day.
Lastly, the other big news of the episode was that we got a sneak preview of the new housewife, Alexis Bellino, a blonde superwoman whose loving relationship with her husband was a stark contrast to Simon and Tamra — with whom they incidentally shared a dinner with. Whereas Simon announced that he simply couldn’t remember the last time he’d been wrong about anything in his relationship (!!), Alexis’s husband was doting and kind and humble, which is probably why she didn’t mind making him a little plate of antipasto at dinner. This hilariously set off a competitive streak in Tamra, who decided that she too could make a plate for Simon (except I’m thinking hers may have been laced with arsenic and cyanide). Nevertheless, I’m intrigued to see how this new cast member fits into the group. If the previews are any indication, there should be plenty of cattiness to go around for all.

“That Gretchen is a WHORE who SLEPT her way into MILLIONS, which is not what I did at ALL!”

“Quite frankly, I’m shocked we’re even having this conversation as surely this hallway should have already erupted into flames on account of me being the HOT housewife! They don’t come much hotter, I should note. Unless, of course, they’re younger and hotter, but that’s neither here nor there.”

“Don’t look at me Gretchen. My face is falling off.”

Vicki: “Mom, are you enjoying Rome?”
“Why can’t we just go to Olive Garden?”

Lynne: “A beer? That’s crazy. Never! … or at least not in front of the cameras. Meet me around back…”

“You got a job, Cara? WELL LET ME TELL YOU. First you’ll get a paycheck, then you’ll spend it at a bar where you’ll get drunk, meet a guy, have his baby and then be stuck with him in a loveless marriage for twenty-two years. Just sayin’.”

Tamra: “You guys have that special quality in your relationship. What is it again?”
Alexis: “Love?”
Gretchen: “YES! That’s it! What’s that like?”

“Hey look at me! I’m Slade 3.0! Aren’t I so funny and carefree and hilarious and CONTROLLING and wonderful and cool?”

Lynne: “Why on Earth would you show me this wretched photo of an orangutan with sun damage?”
Doctor: “It’s a mirror.”
“Oh.”

Gretchen: “Slade, you are so goofy! And not in a manufactured, deliberate way at all!!!”

Lynne: “Sweetie, you don’t need a nose job. You look fine! Or as fine as anyone could look next to your sister!”

What did you think about the episode? And what about the season so far?