HILLS PHOTOCAP: It's Gettin' Bad, Folks

I’d be loathe to abandon The Hills, seeing how it’s brought me so many warm memories and strange real-life experiences (did I mention that time I went to the season four premiere party and became pen pals with Joe Francis? Yes, VERY strange indeed). I do have a special place in my heart for the show, and if I may backdoor brag for another moment, I’ve met a good number of people who work behind the scenes, and they’re all great and do a great job.
That being said, the show is going downhill rapidly. It’s not Kristin’s fault. She’s great. I love her. The fault, as I mentioned last week, is that none of these people DO anything, and thus we’re stuck watching their romantic ups and downs, which would be fine if any of them seemed particularly bright (Lo and Kristin excluded). However, they’re mostly not very sharp, and while I appreciate vacant eyes as much as anyone else, it’s getting to be a bit much.
Nevertheless, I could sit here and complain, or I could be positive and chirp away about the fun stuff in last night’s episode. Okay, there was no fun stuff. Just… stuff. The big scandal of the week was that Kristin arranged a lunch with Audrina to discuss the whole Justin Bobby mishap, but (gasp!) Audrina didn’t show! Turns out Audrina had better things to do — like shop at a boutique or… shop at another boutique. And when Audrina wasn’t shopping, she was helping Epic records pimp out their new ten-years-too-late-for-Lilith-Fair lady band, Verdana. Or Verona. Or Vedera. Something like that. Clearly their name is about as memorable as their music.

Anyway, when Kristin got the royal snub, she decided she wasn’t going to make nice with Audrina. Instead, she was gonna hit her where it hurt the most (and yes, contrary to what her face might express, Audrina DOES have emotions). Kristin was gonna make out with Justin Bobby after all. You know, revenge sex is nothing new, but rarely have I seen a girl stoop so low. I mean, why not just walk into a homeless shelter and blow a guy? It would probably be cleaner.
Nevertheless, Kristin appeared at the grand opening of the LA hot spot Playhouse, and by her side was Justin Bobby, who looked particularly goofy in suspenders and a shirt buttoned up to the neck. Oddly enough, Brody also had his shirt buttoned all the way up. Cholo chic? Or just dumb? Probably both. Sartorial missteps be damned, Kristin was on a mission, and sure enough, she soon had Justin Bobby in her clutches. First they slow danced inexplicably in the middle of the club while amused onlookers giggled to the side. Then they ascended to some balcony where they proceeded to eat each other’s faces like two misguided lampreys.
If that wasn’t bad enough, we later saw the two on the back of Justin Bobby’s ridiculous chopper. Actually, the bike wasn’t ridiculous. It was just the sight of them on it that made me chuckle. Well, more like the sight of Justin Bobby. He just is too small and gangly to look cool on that thing. Anyway, the two took in a nifty lunch at Neptune’s Net up in Malibu where JB attempted to do his mind games on Kristin. Here’s the thing though: they work on Audrina because, well, she’s not necessarily the brightest bulb we’ve ever seen. Kristin, however, has some smarts, and she immediately called Justin Bobby out on his shenanigans, accusing him flirtatiously of mind games. He responded by calling her a liar (ahem, mind game). This was not going to end well. In fact, if anyone knew that, it was Audrina, who when she found out about the liplocking at Playhouse, said that Kristin better be careful or else she’d get hurt. Unlikely. Kristin, you see, is a bitch. She does all the hurtin’.
In other equally insipid Hills news, the saga of Heidi and Spencer took a bland turn as a child entered their life. You see, Heidi’s been wanting a baby for some time now (oh, how she must pine for the days of pregnancy scares and secret meetings behind Brent Bolthouse’s office). Sadly, the Heidster doesn’t want a baby to express the culmination of her love with Spencer though. She wants a kid to help her and Spencer come together and mature. This was such an obviously bad idea that even Stephanie was able to point it out in one of her fleeting moments of lucidity. Still, Heidi had babies on the mind, and wouldn’t you know it — the photogenic young couple next door had a random kid named Enzo they were looking after. Heidi immediately volunteered to babysit the annoying boy (much to Spencer’s chagrin — I was on his side with this), and when later in the episode Spence returned home to find Enzo playing his Wii, the guy all but shoved the child right out of the house. One of Spencer’s best moments, if you ask me. Granted, it was fairly dickish too (especially when he told Enzo goodbye “forever,” and Enzo replied “Forever?”), but he DID make a good point: he can barely get along with adults. How’s he supposed to deal with kids?
Anyway, I’m sick of writing about these people. Here are the photos…

“Yeah, I told Justin Bobby I didn’t want to hook up with him because, let’s face it, he smells like old socks and rancid turnips.”

“Audrina, what’s wrong? You have that concerned look in your eyes. Did you see a tinfoil ball again?”

“I can’t help feeling like my face is going to melt off someday.”

“So I think it’s official: I’m soulless.”

“Me too, sweetie. It’s all good!”

“A baby? Why would we want a baby? Only IDIOTS want babies! Oh, that’s right. We’re idiots.”

Lo: “Hey sweetie! Isn’t it great the way I hug you like this even though I HATE YOU, YOU WHORE!”

“So Audrina didn’t show up? Huh. Maybe it’s because she knows how much of a WHORE you are. I’m sorry, did I say that out loud?”

“Listen, I’m not a whore. But if she doesn’t respond to my next text, I’m gonna FUCK every man she’s ever slept with.”

“Hey guys, do you ever wonder if the deforestation issues in Brazil might have an adverse affect on fuel prices throughout North America, thus straining diplomatic efforts between the U.S. and Russia?”
“No.”

Heidi: “Nice meeting you, fake neighbors!”
Spencer: “Do you guys mind if I take your nephew to the pound? And leave him there?”

“Do you guys see Justin Bobby right now? How awful, right? I’m totally gonna DO HIM.”

“I can’t help but feel like Ban Ki-Moon might not be the right man to lead the United Nations. Also, I wonder if cats could someday maybe fly.”

[nom nom nom]
Justin: “You taste like peaches and honey.”
[nom nom nom]
Kristin: “And you taste like squid and shoe.”

Heidi: “You know, Enzo, I really like talking to you. It’s nice to be around someone who’s truly on my level.”

“No matter how well I do my hair or put on my makeup, why do people always ask if I’ve just woken up?”

“And then sometimes I think, man, what if we put a chair on the moon? Maybe we don’t see aliens because there’s nowhere for them to sit!”

“Like my teeth? I brushed them just for you. First time in ten months!”

“I think there’s some spinach in your gums.”
“Nope, that’s just some decay, on account of the marshmallow I had lodged in there for five weeks.”

Justin: “Yeah, I look cool.”
Kristin: “I’ve really reached a low point, haven’t I?”