HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Tit for Tut

There are many things I expect to encounter on an episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Free flowing glasses of wine? Check. Oversized wigs? Check. Poets and helicopters? Semi-check. But a festive gathering of the ENTIRE CAST at a King Tut viewing? Didn’t see that one coming. And yet, that’s exactly what happened. Midway through the episode, Nene casually announced that oh yeah, she had a private viewing for King Tut, and maybe some people might want to get together and join her. Wh-wh-wh-whaaa? Since when did Nene go to private mummy viewings? And since when did people on this show do cultural activities in general? Clearly never, as evidenced by Kim’s typically dim response (“Who’s King Tut???”).
Anyway, at first I thought Nene meant that she was going to see King Tut and THEN meet up with the ladies for some post-antiquities fun at an Atlanta hotspot, but no. She really wanted to get everyone together to LOOK AT KING TUT. Oh, if only this historical figure knew what his life had become: a staging area for drunken snickering on the set of a low-rent Bravo reality show. Quite the legacy indeed. What’s next? The Real Housewives of Orange County visits the Terracotta Army? (I would love to see that actually. You know Lynne’s mind would be totally blown. Hmmm… my next mashup?)

Aside from King Tut, there were many other amusing moments in this ultra-padded, super-sized episode (purposely designed to keep people away from the Project Runway premiere, no doubt). First, there was Sherayay speed dating — two concepts that do NOT seem congruent in the slightest. To Sherayay’s credit, she seemed oddly humble going into the experience, which was somewhat endearing (omg, am I liking Sherayay now?), but I still pity the poor men that wound up in her booth. I mean, could you even imagine? Here you are, some sadsack guy looking for love, and you step into a booth and find SHERAYAY WHITFIELD. That’s just scary.
Elsewhere in the episode, Kim found herself at odds with her dim bulb of a nanny, who first refused to believe that “sightseeing” could be a verb, then told Brielle she was going to hell, and then ditched her wards in pursuit of a tampon. She was justifiably fired. What really didn’t make sense was why Kim needed a nanny in the first place. Not only does she have an assistant for no good reason, but a nanny too? What the hell is she doing that requires two staff members? According to Kim, she claimed she had a nanny so that she could enjoy other parts of her life — and apparently that does NOT include spending time with her children. Okay, okay — she does spend some time with her spawn. They all sleep together in the same bed… which is strange. I mean, I guess it’s sweet… but it’s strange. Actually, the strangest part of watching the Zolciaks all pile into bed together was seeing Kim without her makeup. She actually looked about ten times better and younger — at least what I could see of her. Did I mention how the Bravo graphics were so huge and intrusive last night that I could barely see the action on screen at times? There was literally a moment where Lisa Wu Hartwell’s brother (who looks like a black Justin Timberlake) was talking, and his mouth was completely obscured by some giant Bravo bubble that had informed us that some random ass person had correctly identified that Kandi used to be in the girl group Xscape. It’s bad enough that we must deal with Andy Cohen preening through the commercial breaks, but now all this clutter too? To paraphrase the network’s annoying slogan, that’s BAD BY BRAVO.
There’s more to discuss — Kandi and her random attitude towards Nene (which in turn led to Nene telling us that Kandi’s voice was just aiigght, and specifically that Kandi was a touch GEH-TOE) — but I think I’m spent after all that King Tut nonsense. Let’s just move onto the photos.

Lisa: “I’m down for Drinks & Dialogue, not Mimosas & Mummies.”
Sherayay: “And I want a souvenir pyramid. Whatever happened to customer service???”

Sherayay: “Who’s gonna mummify me, boo?”
Kandi: “Girl, errrr brraaa ggaah grrrr behh, right?”
Nene: “BAM! I’m a hieroglyphic!”

Sherayay: “I’ll smile at those bitches, even though they forced us into that awful speed dating experience.”
Dwight: “Child, I’m not smiling. It’s just what my face does now.”

Kim: “Don’t be tardy for the party!”
Kandi: “Errr arrr brrrrr brrr rrrreeeh rrreeh reee reee, oooooh.”

“BAM! It’s a hug amongst antiquities!”

“Oooh, look Dwight. King Tut looks just like you.”
“No, sweetheart. That’s just a rubber band.”

Dwight: “I’ll have two facelifts please.”

Kim: “Ugh. I can’t reach my plate of hors d’oeuvres. I should really hire someone to do that for me.”

“I’m so wasted. BRIELLE! MAMA’S WASTED!!! She’s so cute. And that nanny was right. She’s going to hell. What? It’s the liquor speaking. BRIELLE!!! MORE SCHNAPPS FOR MAMA!!!”

“Everyone sing together now: there’s a tightrope… between me and King Tut…”

Sherayay: “Let me tell you something about King Tut. If he wanted a helicopter and a poet at his Independence Party, it would be there!”
Kandi: “Burrrr reeehhhh craaaa rrrrraaaa, girl!”
Nene: “Ghetto bitch.”