BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Epic Episode Proves To Be One Of The All Time Best

If you didn’t watch last night’s episode of Big Brother yet, do yourself a favor. Get off this blog (but come back!!!), march to your DVR (or CBS.com!), and watch the damn thing because it was Excellent with a capital “E.” Every season has a defining episode, and this was it. Everything about it was positively riveting — a word I know I’ve been throwing about a lot recently, but don’t let my lack of creativity detract from how awesome the show was. The only thing that sucked about it was that it had to end, and sadly, we all know that nothing will be able to top it the rest of the season.
Amazingly, Chima’s ejection from the game was probably the least amusing part of the whole show. Sure, it was great to watch, and I absolutely loved the producers making a case for themselves with a brief history of Chima Simone’s greatest hits / bitchy moments. However, the real fun of the show was watching her alliance totally fall into psychological disrepair. It was fantastic. Natalie spent much of the time whining about the situation, spewing hypocritical complaints and acting like the petulant teenager she claims to be. Method acting at its best. And let’s please note that Natalie was wearing Jessie’s dumb shirt in practically every scene — many of which were recorded over the span of MANY days. It’s called a washing machine. USE IT.
Lydia, meanwhile, just got wasted and engaged in horrendous self-pity, which would have been painful to watch on its own, but thankfully the wonderful alliance of Jeff, Jordan, Michele, and Russell were not gonna stand for it. They relentlessly mocked Lydia to no end, and as such, they served as a much-welcomed mouthpiece for the audience. I personally loved when Michele suddenly snapped “Wear your unitard, BITCH!” — perhaps the line of the night had it not been for Jeff’s brilliantly offbeat but totally awesome “Take it easy, Mrs. Roper. You look real classy.”
Even Jordan got in on the action. When Lydia illogically accused Jordan of being a “ho-puppet” (this despite Lydia’s well-documented bedroom trysts with Jessie), Jordan just exasperatedly sighed and asked “Lydia… Seriously?” It was such a simple expression of condescension and from the most unlikely of sources that it proved to be kind of amazing. I’m not gonna lie. I clapped. WE WERE ALL THINKING IT.
Truly, this episode was a gold mine of classic reality moments, and to see Lydia and Natalie receive such horrendous “edits” (as they say) was totally gratifying. I could go on, but truth is that pretty much everything else I have to say can be found in this great rundown of the night’s activities on Reality Blurred. Check that out, BUT FIRST a photocap after the jump.

“She just did what they wanted her to do! That’s bullshit! She should be doing what WE want her to do!”

“I can’t believe those motherfuckers want me to wear a motherfuckin’ microphone. What is this? Some motherfuckin’ voluntary reality show experience where motherfuckers document every second of our motherfuckin’ lives???”

“If I don’t get another motherfuckin’ pillow up in this motherfucker, I’m gonna get the motherfuckin’ FCC on CBS’s motherfuckin’ asses, motherfuckers.”

Natalie: “Here Chima. This is your microphone. Make sure it doesn’t fall out of your hands and accidentally fly across the entire yard into the pool, which could very well happen.”

Natalie: “Wow, the microphone just fell right out of her hands, which is weird because it actually had an upward trajectory and landed perfectly right in this pool. Color me amazed. Then again, everything is amazing to me, what with my wide-eyed teenage naîveté, WHICH I HAVE.”

“You know, we could just get in the pool and pluck it out ourselves. That would probably save a lot of time.”
“Yeah, but it’s like two feet deep.”
“Yeah. Never mind.”

Most controversial microphone EVER!

“Motherfuckers, you should see me in a bad mood.”

“I’ll motherfuckin’ sit down if I want to, motherfuckers!”
“Fine, sit down.”
“No. I’m not gonna do what you motherfuckers want, motherfucker!”

“Chima! Why did you have to do that??? I’m so upset I’m gonna go back into the house and say quiet things!!!!”

“I think the clock just struck nineteen!”

“Oooh. Big announcement about to happen. You can just call me Shotgun Anticipator Russell the Love Muscle!”

“UGH. I’m so over sitting on this couch.”

“All I know is that I’ve been wearing this shirt for five days straight, and I think that’s sexy.”

“You guyyyyssss… I’m sad. You guyyyyyyssss, listen to me. I might just have to put my hands on my cheeks again.”

“That’s better.”

“I want vindiction! VINDICTION!!!! Wait, what? ‘Vindiction’ isn’t a word? Oh. That might explain the low verbal score on my SATs, WHICH I JUST TOOK.”

“Check out my hair. It’s what all the teenagers are doing these days, and of course, I know this on account of being eighteen years old, WHICH I AM.”

“UGH. I’m so over mimosas.”

“There’s no clichéd tattoo that could express my rage right now.”

“Damn, I wish this was Jessie.”

“I really miss my dad. I haven’t gone this long without hearing from him since I went away to college… which obviously I never did on account of being eighteen and a recent high school graduate, WHICH I AM!”

“[sniff sniff] But I don’t wannnna shower! [sniff sniff]”

“How could you say such an awful thing, Russell?”
“Hey, there’s a reason they call me Shotgun Awful Thing Sayer Russell The Love Muscle.”

“You know, I may have gone down on Jessie, and I may have done whatever he wanted, but Jordan, you’re such an effin’ ho puppet.”

“Don’t you dare call me Mrs. Fuckin’ Roper! I have dignity and class! Just LOOK AT ME!!!”

“Ohmigosh. This is so sweet. Should I put my hands all the way up on my cheeks? Should I? Should I? You guyyyssss….”

“It’s a letter from my mom. She says we got a new clock! One that I can read!”

“Hahahaha. Just call me Shotgun Giggle-Face Russell the Love Muscle.”

“Never in my teenage youth have I been around such bastards. It’s like being in a frat house, an experience I will surely be exposed to soon as a matriculating freshman at the ripe age of eighteen, WHICH I AM!!!”

“Don’t you realize, Jeff, you ruined EVERYTHING with your wizard power!!! WHICH YOU USED TO SAVE ME, you ASSHOLE!!!!!!”

“I’M NOT SHHLLUURRRINNG MY WWUURDDSH! UGH. I’m SO over proper phonics.”

“I miss Ronnie and Chima and Jessie and everything else that is horrendous about America.”

“I am Captain Unitard, and my special power is the ability to be AWFUL.”

“UGH. I’m so over special superhero powers.”

“Big shock. I’m up on the block. This is like high school all over again… a very fresh memory for me on account of having just graduated from high school myself only two months ago — just like any normal eighteen year old, WHICH I AM.”