BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Raving Lunatics

Well, we’re now two episodes deep into Big Brother, and everything seems to be rolling along just fine. Jesse is proving to be more annoying than last season, partly because of a choice by him to amp up his personality perhaps in an effort to court the attention of a WWE casting director (he admitted to wanting to be a professional wrestler. I could think of worse things than seeing him body slammed by the likes of The Miz). Whatever the reason is behind his animated performance, it’s safe to say it won’t last long. Once he’s out of power, Jesse will surely devolve into the grumpy gorilla we all know and don’t love.
As for the rest of the gang, personalities still have yet to really surface. Casey still annoys me. So does Lydia. And so does Ronnie, who certainly did not represent us brains well when he singlehandedly screwed up a rather psychedelic backyard challenge. Yes, for those just tuning in, the food competition has been replaced with the more severe (and laboriously titled) Have And Have Not challenge. Now houseguests don’t just compete for edible food. They also vie for tolerable living conditions. After all, losers of the HAHN must eat slop, take cold showers, AND live in a monochromatic bedroom reminiscent of a robot rumpus room. It’s certainly not pleasant, and Chima was all HELL TO THE NO when she saw the misery she and her fellow Brains would have to endure after clocking in a pitiful HAHN performance. She ultimately wound up on the block, but not because of her hissy fit. No, she went up as a pawn, which is always a ridiculously dangerous and stupid strategy. You see, the brains wanted to forge a secret alliance with the brawn, and by nominating Chima, they were hoping to throw the rest of the house off the scent. But here’s the thing about brawn: they don’t have brains. And that means they’ll probably screw it up by blabbing. Actually, based on Ronnie’s lack of sterling gameplay, it’s safe to say that he may have no brains either. After all, what genius would enter into a secret arrangement betwixt five or six people? TOO MANY! Secrets cannot last with so many people involved.

Sure enough, Jesse put Chima on the block, and joining her was none other than Lydia, who seems pretty smart, even if her clichéd tattoos (Hello Kitty? Really?) reek of idiocy. Lydia knew she was the polar opposite of Jesse, and as such, she attempted to forge a connection with him in order to avoid his wrath. It seemed like it was working at first, especially compared to the tactics of Boobs McGuillicutty, whose clunky ass-kissing was so obvious that even a pile of rocks like Jesse could sniff it out. But alas, Jesse’s right-hand man, Russel the Love Muscle, sniffed out Lydia’s sneaky ways and heavily endorsed her nomination. Sure enough, that’s what Jesse did. Lydia went up, her Paul Frank tattoo shed a tear, and Laura dodged a massive bullet — which is impressive, given the lack of mobility those sandbags must afford her.
Anyhoo, let’s move onto the photocap. Unlike the previous two seasons of Big Brother, CBS no longer seems to be posting actual screen grabs from the televised show. Instead we have press pics which tend to be repetitive and boring. Oh well. I’ll try to make the most of them.

“Hey, Jesse. I look like I’m in Cats.”
“And I look like I’m in dogs.”
“No, I’m talking about a musical.”
“A what?”
“Never mind.”

“Do me up, Kevin. DJ Puffy Lovehandles needs to shake it tonight!”

“We look like gay pirates.”
“Yeah, it’s awesome.”

“Dammit. My hair looks like it was styled by a Mexican.”

“Hmmm… I wonder if I should get tricep implants.”

“If anyone wants to give me a blowjob, I’m ready.”

“Houseguests, I have gathered you here today to see which of you people respect me toe to head.”

“Do we really have to suck up to this douchebag all week?”

Chima: “And so I said to the producers, ‘I’m not sleeping in that room. Who do you think I am? Joyce Carol Oates?'”

“Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaa.”

“Hahahahahahahaha!!!”

“Hahahahaha…”

“Ahhhhh….”

“Um, excuse me, Ronnie. Where you going? I wasn’t done telling jokes! Where do you have to go anyway? The nerd convention?”

“Hahahahahahahahhaahaha!!!!”

“Hahahahaha…”

“Ahhh…”

“Good times…”

“I’m not just a body. I’m a brain too. Brains are the same things as muscles, right?”

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