“Don’t drink the water, and don’t get AIDS.”
Yup, that pretty much sums up The Real World Cancun so far. The quote, as spoken by Joey on last night’s premiere episode, serves as the two major guidelines for what looks like a silly, silly season. I’ll admit that my expectations coming into this season were beyond low — going to Cancun seemed like a horrid step backwards for a franchise that had seen revitalization in the more career-centric Hollywood and Brooklyn seasons. But if there’s anything I should have remembered, it’s that if my old employers Bunim-Murray know anything, it’s how to do Cancun. Yes, I saw The Real Cancun in the theaters (produced by Bunim-Murray), and I loved it. So far, this season looks to be an unofficial sequel.
Of course, Real World seasons begin and end with the cast. To that end, we have a strange situation going on. Most of the guys, with the exception of Derek, look appropriately “of age.” The girls, however, appear to be no older than twelve. I know I’m relatively ancient at the crusty old age of thirty, but seriously, has MTV gone recruiting in social studies cast? They be YOUNG.
Plus, not only does this cast look like the prime demographic for High School Musical, but they all seem to have strange vowel placements in their names. There’s Jonna (pronounced John-Ay — as if her mom decided she literally wanted an “A” at the end of the name), Bronne (no, not Ronnie, but BRONNE), Emilee (with THREE E’s total), and of course, Ayiiia, whose name defies all convention by eschewing consonants entirely, thus making her the first onomatopoeia in Real World history.
Strange spellings be damned, let’s do a quick rundown of the cast.
We start with golden boy CJ, whose all American good lucks probably bely some sordid past. You know, like amateur porn or something. He claims to be an NFL Free Agent, but given that he’s spending four months down in Cancun, I’d say that the emphasis should most certainly be put on “FREE.” At the beginning of the premiere episode, CJ proudly announced that he was dating an older woman who he loved (despite conning her into making him breakfast every morning). Their romance was put to the test on the second night, however, when CJ wound up cuddling in bed with Emileeeeeee after his own bedroom became a sex palace for Joey and his first trollop of the season. CJ’s girlfriend was not pleased by this turn of events and sent him an angry email (which was displayed quite openly on a giant flat panel monitor for all the room to read). Given his earlier proclamations of love and devotion, one might have expected CJ to write back with apologies and clarifications, but instead he suggested that they simply stop talking. Oh, and also, it’s been great knowing you, thanks for all you’ve taught me, and smell ya later! Yes, despite all his lovey dovey talk, it only took one minor crack for CJ to kick his cougar to the curb. One must wonder if the same will happen to…
Jonna! This tiny nymph with a supposedly slutty past (according to her friend and fellow castmate Derek) started off the show kissing her boyfriend ad nauseam — which is always a bad omen of things to come: insufferable cutesy-ness, never ending arguments on the phone, tears and drama no one cares about. Jonna is so devoted to this guy that she got a promise piercing (not a ring) to remind her to stay on the straight and narrow. It’s only a matter of time before she begins porking all of Señor Frogs. I think her boyfriend knew this, which is why he sent her long emails detailing in a creepy way all the things about Jonna he already misses. Nothing like the possessive hometown honey. This will not end well.
Next we have Jasmine, the “black girl” of the cast, and Ayiiia, the “Latina girl” of the cast. They’re both young. Very young. In fact, they look like they still need booster seats at the dining room table. However, they’re both oddly funny in their girlish exuberance. They didn’t do much this episode beyond befriending each other, giggling in the confessional, and eavesdropping on the aforementioned Joey sex.
Joey, meanwhile, is the rebel tattoo guy with the sort of smokers laugh that would make a seasoned diner waitress sound like a songbird. For all his hardcore appearance though, Joey was lights-out drunk by 11:45 PM on the first night. Don’t worry — he made up for it on the second night when he found a roly-poly ladyfriend with crooked teeth and tattoos. The two started making out in the club (which later led to seh-ex), and in case you’re concerned about what this girl’s mom would think of her behavior, don’t worry. She approved. We know this because she was RIGHT THERE.
AND SHE WAS MAKING OUT WITH BRONNE.
In what may have been one of the funniest turn of events ever, this Sharon Osbourne lookalike began locking lips with Bronne, he of low standards, just a few feet from her daughter. At first, we actually thought she was just a cougar who had snarled some prey, but when Joey’s orthodontically-challenged minx announced “That’s my mom!”, we knew this was trouble. Luckily, Bronne didn’t bed his lady like Joey did, but I think the kiss was enough to create general wincing across America. Luckily, it didn’t compare to this legendary cougar incident I once caught on camera.
Nevertheless, it was a tough episode for Bronne, the resident joker and oddball. Not only did he wind up swapping spit with a heinous creature, but he wound up vomiting in the middle of a club on the first night. Needless to say, he’s not the most suave cast member we’ve ever seen…
So who else is left? Derek? He’s young and swishy and has an unfortunate penchant for headbands. Beyond that, there’s not much to him. And then there’s Emilee, who looks to be a maelstrom of drama. She’s already terrible. When we first met her, she quietly one-upped everyone (and even did the Penelope hair tug for good measure). As a Hooters waitress, she got all pissed at Joey when he made fun of her profession, and later, after CJ broke up with his girlfriend, she made a whole big stink about a) how guilty she felt for playing a role in the destruction of their relationship, and b) how annoyed she was that she’d been dragged into it, and then c) how angry she was that no one seemed to understand. She’s gonna be problems, that one. Makes sense. She’s from Boston.
Let’s look at photos.
Parent noises! You got that right!
It’s gonna be an awesome season, B. How many episodes till Jon-A cheats?
Parent noises! You got that right!
It’s gonna be an awesome season, B. How many episodes till Jon-A cheats?
This season should be like Vegas x 2 except no one is good looking. I’ll still watch though. Oh yeah and please shoot me if you ever see me at a bar making out with a young guy while my daughter makes out with another. Gross.
Bronne reminds me of Isaac a little bit. Btw, I think Isaac is the funniest real world cast member ever, his whole speech from the Duel 2, about “I think Rachel is a real Lesbian, not those, my dad didn’t pay any attention to me, so I kiss random girls in club Lesbian.” still gets a chuckle out of me.
“Ayiiia, whose name defies all convention by eschewing constants entirely, thus making her the first onomatopoeia in Real World history.”
best sentence EVER props for use of onomatopoeia!!
People are naming thier children some f*cked up names these days.