HILLS PHOTOCAP: I Now Pronounce You Awful and More Awful

Earlier this week, MTV aired a Very Special episode of The Hills. Not only did it serve as Lauren Conrad’s last appearance in the franchise as a regular cast member, but it also ushered in the newlywed era of Speidi, whose nuptials were documented for the world to see. And yes, it was all just as ridiculous as you could imagine. From the bridal shower to the rehearsal dinner to some frivolous scenes in between, there was much to laugh at over the course of this seminal hour. And let’s not overlook the return of Krsitin Cavallari, on hand to save the series from the Conrad-free doldrums. It’s great to have her back. I only hope she can reinvigorate this show the way she did Laguna Beach. Something tells me she has it in her.

There really was so much in this episode that I don’t know where to start. I suppose I could begin with Lauren, who announced vaguely that it was time for her to move on. We, the audience, all knew what she meant by that — she wants to move on from the TV show. But being that the members of The Hills try their darnedest not to break that fourth wall by actually acknowledging that they are on a televised series, we had to just contend ourselves with the notion that Lauren was simply MOVING ON from nothing in particular. Was it the city? Was it her friends? Was it her oversized sunglasses? We weren’t totally sure. However, we could pinpoint two specific areas that Lauren was leaving in the dust: her job and her house.
For reasons that were never quite explained, Lauren and Lo decided to sell their manse on Orange Grove after only having been there a year and change. I assume they wanted more privacy from gawking tour buses (and rumors have persisted over the past several months that the neighbors were none too fond of her), but maybe the move was due to something else. Leaky ceilings? The ghost of Audrina in the backyard dungeon? Memories of Ashes? Yes, don’t forget that our favorite reality star cat, Ashes, escaped the clutches of Lauren and ran off into the ether, never to be heard from again. If I were Lauren, I’d have a hard time staying in that house too after such a tragedy.
Nevertheless, Lauren and Lo were outie 5000, but before departing the neighborhood, they decided to throw one last bash for old time’s sake. The party served as a reunion of sorts. We had the usual gang — Brody, Frankie, Sleazy-T, DOUG — but we also had some old, orange-colored faces (ie. Jen Bunney). Ah, memories. We’ve come so far. Sadly, nothing particularly interesting happened at the BBQ. It was basically just a showcase for Brody to regale us with stories of relaaaytionships and going to laaaaahve concerts and other things that he laaaaahkes, homies. Okay, I’m just making fun of his accent now (in case you couldn’t tell). And yes, for the record, Brody’s lady friend Jayde was present, and no, she wasn’t sucking down a big bottle of Jagermeister (shocking, I know).
In other departure news, Lauren decided it was time for her to move on from People’s Revolution, which meant it was time for our last Kelly Cutrone scene. This made me immensely sad as I’ve come to absolutely adore Lady Cutrone and all her crazy mania. She is not only hysterical, but she cuts through all The Hills bullshit every time she’s on screen (such as last week when she basically told off Stephanie at a party). Anyway, Lauren told her that she wanted to move on (sweet music to Kelly’s ears, I’m sure), and Kelly responded by likening LC to a French word (which turned out to be an entire phrase). Lauren just stared at her politely and smiled, totally befuddled. It was all in the eyes, and I will say that reality TV will be ever so slightly less nuanced without Lauren’s expressive peepers.
Of course, for every emotive face on The Hills comes one that’s equally plasticine and frozen. Enter Heidi Montag, who was preparing for the big wedding that had so been a bone of contention for so long. The first half of the episode dealt with the sordid drama of picking a maid of honor. Heidi understandably chose her sister Holly, much to the unreasonable chagrin of Stephanie, who did her standard vacant stare coupled with a nervous gulp. This really shouldn’t have been a bone of contention — of course the big sister gets to be maid of honor — but as soon as Stephanie’s voice began to quiver ever so slightly, we knew we were due for some stupid, stupid drama. And by “stupid” I mean “wonderful.”
Almost immediately, MTV carved out Holly to be The Worst. Maid of Honor. EVER. By the episode’s end, she looked like a wine-guzzling, potato-chuckin’, floozy alcoholic without any sense of responsibility or propriety. It was amazing. Things started off badly for her when she showed up late to the bridal shower (the horror!), but if that wasn’t bad enough, she didn’t even write down the names of the people who had given Heidi gifts! What sort of FUCKED UP SUPER BITCH is she? I’m shocked no one up and punched her in the face, THAT WHORE! Instead, Audrina and Steph just commiserated in the corner, watching Holly as she guzzled down a beer — the way wanton sluts are prone to do.
Later, things came to a head when Holly gave a drunken, shhlurry speech at the rehearsal dinner that made little to no sense, but still managed to be rife with passive-aggressive underpinnings. This again led to disappointed Stephanie glares — the kind that seemed to say “I could have done a better job at this.” (And no, Stephanie could not have, unless, of course, she was charged with extolling the virtues of the many crackers she’s known and loved over the past year).
Anyway, Holly eventually took her seat, and the (surprisingly small) rehearsal dinner continued on. I don’t remember exactly what happened next, but somehow, Holly wound up throwing a small potato at some kid across the table (brother? cousin?), and in an unholy twist of fate, physics and tubers conspired together and the wee tater ricocheted off the tween and onto Heidi’s brand new pocketbook.
I swear to God, if I were there I would have FLIPPED THE TABLE OVER AND SCREAMED TO THE HEAVENS!!!
THIS. WAS. A. TRAVESTY!!!!!
Not the pocketbook!!!!
Yes, Heidi’s brand new and expensive pocketbook now had three little dots on it — stains that would forever haunt her and serve as reminders of this wretched, wretched — oh wait, it’s a rehearsal dinner — this lovely, lovely night with all of her family and friends. Who would want to remember that???
Okay, it does suck that she got stains on her new trinket (albeit a pricey trinket), but it’s like she didn’t even try to clean it up. Leave it to Spencer to be the voice of reason by saying it was only a possession — no need to get bent out of shape about it. But these are the Montags, after all. Bending out of shape is what they do. Heidi snapped at her sister, Holly offered a disingenuous apology, and then tears followed. Specifically, Holly stormed out of the room and cried in the hallway as her mother and then Spencer tried to calm her down. Well, Spencer didn’t so much as try to calm her down but make her feel bad about being immature and throwing food at the table (says the guy who got into fisticuffs on the season premiere of the show). The whole thing was a mess, and I couldn’t help feeling like this was a bit more drama than one airborne potato truly deserved. God bless The Hills.
The next day, Holly and Heidi got their nails did, and the two discussed the situation, with Heidi telling her sister that she didn’t want to “un-maid-of-honor” her, but yeah, that’s what she did anyway. And let’s hear it for that new verb. I’m totally gonna un-maid-of-honor some people this afternoon. It’ll be great.
Holly seemed to take the demotion well, saying that Steph knew about “this etiquette stuff” better anyway, which was funny because we all know Steph knows nothing better than anyone. And besides, what is this crazy “etiquette stuff” anyway? Who needs it???
With this major drama squashed, it was time to finally get the wedding started. For Spencer, that meant kissing everyone’s asses to make them think he was a standup guy. He told Heidi’s mom, Darlene, that he had become a changed man thanks to 3.67 sessions of therapy, and she seemed to believe it. Reluctantly, she gave her blessing. Spencer also tried to convince Brody that he had done a 180 in life, but the Brodester wasn’t convinced. He sniffed out a laaaaah (which, according to my Brody-to-English dictionary, means “lie”). I tend to agree with Brody on this one…
The other big question mark hanging over the wedding was whether or not Lauren would come. Well, of course she would. We’d already seen the pictures. Nevertheless, even if Lauren hadn’t shown up, there would have been plenty of drama. First, Spencer’s douchebag friend Charlie (it’s Charlie, right?) announced that he was bringing Stacie (a.k.a. bartender chick) to the wedding. This was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever seen on the show. I mean, seriously. Assuming the drama between Stacie and Speidi were real, why would any alleged friend bring her? And why would she go? And why would Spencer allow it? This was pushing the credibility just a tad too far.
Not that it mattered. Stacie’s presence (despite a bright yellow Tweetie Bird dress) failed to generate any drama whatsoever. The real excitement came from the “surprise” arrival of Kristin Cavallari, whose presence was teased throughout the show (again, totally spoiled by paparazzi photos). You see, at the bridal shower, Heidi revealed that it was Kristin who had first introduced her to Spencer (tabloid fiends may remember that Kristin dated Brody waaaay back in the day). Anyway, throughout the rest of the episode, there was shady talk about inviting a special guest etc., which cracked me up because it was like MTV was trying to generate some sort of surprise about Kristin’s arrival when it had in fact been heavily hyped. Nevertheless, Kristin showed up in the cavernous church and took a seat next to Justin Bobby, who looked like he was literally a homeless man. Not an exaggeration. The douchebag wasn’t even wearing a tie, and his shirt was half open.
Funny story: I once saw Nick Nolte up close (as in inches), and I thought he was a homeless man who had snuck onto the soundstage where I was working. He looked like the second coming of James Bond compared to Justin Bobby. Seriously, the kid needs to shower and button up. I could smell his stench through the TV.
Thankfully, we didn’t linger out in the church audience too long (the audio mixing was pretty much all over the map). We soon went backstage where Heidi was accessorizing the jewelry around her neck with a wedding dress. Yes, there were so many sparkling things on the flaxen nymph that I thought at times I was staring at some sort of a disco ball with tissues coming out of it. I didn’t know why Heidi wanted to cover up so much of her dress — after all, she was detracting from the Swan Princess look she so desperately wanted. And yes, Heidi did say she wanted swans at the wedding because she was a Swan Princess. Seems a bit literal. I’m shocked she didn’t demand ten penguins to match the groomsmen.
Anyway, despite proclamations to the contrary, LC did show up at the wedding where she told Heidi, “you’re, like, bedazzled.” I think Heidi actually took that as a compliment. She asked Lauren if it was too much, but LC just smiled and said it was perfect. You know, because Heidi’s tacky and ridiculous so being tacky and ridiculous is perfect. Makes sense, really.
While the girls mended their relationship, we then headed back into the crowd where a testy Lo was not doing well without Lauren. Sidekicks hate being away from their Masters, after all. At one point, Lo muttered to Audrina, “If she’s coming, she better GET HERE!” Okay, calm the hell down, lady. Did you not read page 93 of your script?
Sure enough, Lauren walked out from backstage and took a seat next to Lo, who was only too happy to point out Kristin sitting across the aisle. “You match!” Lo said passive-aggressively to LC, happily pointing out the fact that the two arch enemies were both wearing blue. This led to glares and fake waves, and as Heidi entered the church, Lo let out one last classic Lo-ism:
“Third time’s the charm.”
It is indeed. This time the marriage went through. Heidi and Spencer wed, and while Lauren snuck out the back door into a limo (ahem, a bit excessive, yes?), the rest of the gang convened outside the church where Heids tossed the bouquet… and Kristin caught it (cut to Steph probably gulping sadly and scrounging for some cracker comfort).
And with that, the Conrad era of The Hills officially came to a close. Will the show still be entertaining without her? Hard to say. But if the teaser for next season is any indication, I think there still might be a lot of life left in those thar hills.

“So??? Are there going to be crackers at the reception? Maybe some Triscuits? Or Wheat Thins? Or Nabisco Grahams, sweetened with molasses for a traditional graham taste?!?!?!?!?!”

“Um, I’m un-maid-of-honoring you.”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about how all my hopes and dreams for my daughter have gone down the toilet. So yeah, marry away.”

Heidi: “Guess who just got a printed menu as a gift?”
Steph: “OMG! It even has Saltines on here!”
Audrina: “BEST WEDDING SHOWER EVER!!!”

Heidi: “Unless this speech ends with me getting a present, just sit down and shut up.”

“Do you see what you’ve done, Holly? DO YOU? You’ve left a barely perceptible mark on my pocketbook! YOU WHORE!!!”

“I HATE POTATOES, AND I HATE POCKETBOOKS AND I HATE ALL THIS ETIQUETTE STUFF!!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!”

“Cheers to all of you. I wish I could just roll this moment up and freeze it like a memory burrito.”

“Oh look! A shiny object! I want it!!!”

LC: “Wow, Heidi, you look so… gaudy. Even for you!”

“Hey everyone. It’s me, Kristin Cavallari! Remember me? Anyone? Anyone at all?”

“PSSST… Kristin Cavallari is here.”

“Also, Jayde has a flask of Jagermeister in her boobs.”

“And Justin Bobby spent the past two nights sleeping under a backhoe.”

“And Audrina still thinks we’re at K-Mart.”

“And Heidi’s a whore.”

“And I really hate it when you call me Loey.”

“Oh, and one more thing:”

“I killed Ashes.”

What did you think about the season finale? Think the show can go on without Lauren?