IDOL RESULTS RECAP: This Is BULL!!

Going into tonight’s results show of American Idol, prognosticators across the Internet were picking Kris Allen to be the unlucky sap to go home this week. If not him, then Allison Iraheta’s number would be up. But what about Danny Gokey? He sounded like a blimp losing air for most of his performance, and while I might not know exactly what that sounds like, I can approximate it, and Danny perfectly matched said approximation. Yes, Danny was an epic fail last night, and across the Internet, people were ridiculing him to pieces. Would we be in store for a major upset? Could it be that Danny — after having avoided the bottom three all season — might at last go home???

The answer, in short, is no. Somehow he found enough tone deaf (or full-on deaf) people out there to vote for him, thus perpetuating the biggest crime of the season thus far: sending Allison home. This was a travesty of major proportions. The young girl’s got a great voice, and after seeing her magnificent duet with Adam, I know I wasn’t the only one who got all giddy with the possibility of an Iraheta/Lambert finals. In fact, as is usually the case with the losers, she absolutely tore up the stage tonight with her swan song; once again proving that she completely deserved a spot ahead of Danny and even Kris (who’s been fading slightly the past two weeks).
Unfortunately, Allison’s late game rally came too late for her, and at the end of the day, she simply did not have the fan base that the other guys shared. Danny’s got the old people and the bible thumpers, Kris has the teeny bopper girls, and Adam’s got pretty much everyone else (particularly the much coveted Deluded Tween Girls Who Think They Might Have A Shot With Him demographic). Allison really had no one. She didn’t play the female rah rah rah card, and she didn’t do the Latino thing either. It was inevitable that these fan base deficits would eventually bite her, and tonight was when it happened.
But it shouldn’t have been that way. She should have lost to strong competition, not THIS:

I mean, seriously. There is no way whatsoever that Gokey should be going on. And yes, I realize the clip above only highlights one dreadful, dreadful note, but truth is that the entire performance was a mess. That, of course, would be fine if Danny had at least brought some sort of emotional heft or impact to the tune (let’s face it, not all rockers have wonderful voices, but they are expressive). But alas he didn’t. So all we had were his vocals. And they sucked. And now I’m mad! Hopefully now the masses will be mobilized against him. He cannot get into the finals. We must stop him. MUST! If I have to see his smug little smile any longer, I’ll puke. I will seriously puke. I will hunch over and puke my brains out. And then I’ll have to insist that a Gokey fan clean it up. That way I can say, “This is what it felt like when your votes caused Danny to metaphorically PUKE all over my happiness!”
It drove me nuts when Ryan asked Danny about the final note of his “Dream On” debacle, and he replied that he had laughed and laughed and laughed all night. I’d like to call bullshit on that. No, not even bullshit. Something worse: boo-shit. As in, Kristen Bell saying BOO-SHIT BOO-SHIT BOO-SHIT in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I don’t think Danny laughed. I think he read the press on himself, saw that people are calling him cocky, and tried to deflect by telling some yarn about how he was humbled yet able to laugh at himself. Well, I can tell you this: I have a source at Fox, and the scuttlebutt is that Danny has gotten quite, quite cocky. So there you have it.
Ahhh… feels good to rant. The color’s returning to my cheeks.
As for the rest of the show, it had plenty of exciting moments — starting with the Ford commercial which was noteworthy really only because whoever styled Danny this week clearly hated him. They dressed him in one of the most unflattering outfits he’s ever worn on the show. One word: man boobies.
After the commercial, we had a prosaic singalong to “School’s Out For Summer,” and not even the supercool presence of Slash could inject the performance with any sort of bite. This eventually led to chit chat with the contestants, and I’m glad to report that while Allison may be gone, she at least left a mark by getting bleeped out for saying something offensive — not sure if it was “dick,” “Jesus,” or simply “shit.” Either way, Fox dropped the audio on her, and I kvelled a bit: our little rocker girl was getting some edge!
On the other end of the “edgy” spectrum was Paula Abdul who performed on the Idol stage for the first time ever. At the ripe old age of 87, she certainly moved quite nicely. I can’t really comment on her singing though as she was clearly just lipsyncing along to a track, Jamie Foxx style. Her new song wasn’t particularly great, but it wasn’t bad either. It was sort of like a neat ’80s throwback that was as innocuous as it was forgettable. Kadoos to Paula for ending the number with an idiotic scripted moment as she told her backup dancers that she was just there for the music (or some silliness like that). It was the perfect camp touch to an already ridiculous segment.
Faring much better was Gwen Stefani and No Doubt, who were pretty much awesome on the Idol stage. Unlike other musical acts (ahem, Paula, ahem, Jamie Foxx), they actually sung, and the proof was that Gwen actually talked with the crowd, improvised, and pretty much bounced around like platinum blonde monkey (and I mean that in the best possible way). Seriously, it was great to see the band back together, and it was kind of a trip to see Gwen Stefani dressed old school 1995 style. Ah, memories.
Well, if Paula was blah and Gwen was rah (see what I did there?), Daughtry found the middle ground with their new song called, uh, I don’t know. Truth be told, it was super generic. I know that’s what we expect from Daughtry, but this really was not one of their best outings. In fact, I think it’s safe to call it boring. There was no hook! Oh well.
Anyway, I think that pretty much covers it. Did I forget anything? Have I made my rage clear? Next week, GOKEY MUST GO.
What did you think about the results? What about the show?