IDOL RECAP: Never Under Estimate The Heartland!

The eighth season of American Idol wrapped up last night, and like last year’s finale, the contest came down to a much-hyped, odds-on favorite and a quieter dark horse with surprising resiliency. But would the outcome be the same? Would The Chosen One go down in flames for a second year in a row? Well, you probably already know the answer to that question by now, but in case you’re one of the five people out there who has yet to hear the news, I’ll wait until after the jump to reveal all…

Okay, Kris won.

Just like David Cook the year prior, Kris managed to surmount a season’s worht of hype for Adam Lambert and shock most of the prognosticators who thought the wannabe glam rocker would take the crown. Obviously, the Danny Gokey effect was in play, but that’s okay for me. In a rare twist of fate, I was actually aligned with the Heartland on this one as I too was pulling for Kris to win. Don’t get me wrong — if Adam had taken the crown, I would have been fine with it. He undoubtedly was the star of the season, and he’s enormously talented, but his style drives me nuts. Not his personal style (although, that could use some work too). I’m referring to his singing style wherein he shrieks to the heavens as if expunging some ancient wraith spirit from his soul. It’s just not my thang, as they say.

“Well hello.”

Of course, many people have in turn accused Kris of being bland and boring, to which I refer them to the aforementioned Danny Gokey. Say what you will about Mr. Allen, but it’s the Gokester who’s truly the king of milquetoast. Kris is merely low key, and compared to the theatrics and histrionics of Adam, it’s hard not to look dull. However, Kris is much more talented than people may give him credit for, and his style is tailor made for the radio, which is really what we’re seeking out anyway.
Anyway, that being said, I was fairly certain that we wouldn’t have an epic upset two years in a row and had resigned myself to a Lambert victory lap when Ryan surprisingly announced that it was Kris who was this year’s American Idol. I don’t think many people could believe it, especially Kris who even stated that Adam deserved the trophy (literally, there was a chintzy trophy for the winner this year). I, of course, was most delighted. The rest of Facebook and Twitter? Not so much. Even the judges looked a bit shocked. They were happy for Kris, but their joy seemed tempered by disappointment in their eyes. Don’t discount the heartland, people.

“Vicodin!”

Well, after winning, Kris soon took to the stage one last time to sing Kara’s dreadful “No Boundaries” tune, and thankfully, he sounded much, much better this second time around. Of course, I’m not sure if he was singing to tape or not given that at one moment, he seemed to be so caught up in hugging that I wasn’t sure he’d be able to get any note out, but whatever. As long as we didn’t have to hear that painful straining a second night in a row, I was fine.
As for the rest of the show, I found it fairly entertaining. Most people deride the two hour Idol finale event as a giant clusterfuck of filler and music. Well, yes, that’s true. But I was content with that. Then again, I also didn’t watch the show live; so I had the ability to fast forward over some of the more intolerable musical interludes, such as David Cook’s heartfelt but bland performance and the second half of the Lil Rounds, Lil Latifah duet. Not only was that latter spectacle disastrous, but it was a bit more than my eyes could handle. Queen Latifah would do well to steer clear of full body Spandex in the future. Needless to say, we could see every one of her lil, medium, and big rounds.

Lil Rounds and Big Rounds.

At least the Queen-Lil summit wasn’t as antiseptic as the group song at the top of the show. I’m talking, of course, about the toothless version of “So What?” by Pink. Ahem, I mean P!NK. RAH!!! Dressed all in white, the gang trotted around the stage and absolutely butchered the song, rendering it so limp and boring that it made Branson, Missouri look like the second coming of Sodom and Gomorrah. Really, the only good part about these group numbers was the chance it afforded us to see singers we had forgotten about, like wee Alexis Grace and the ever annoying Jorge Nunez, who managed to stick his face in front of the camera every single time he was on stage (and that goes for the end when he sidled up right next to Kris during his victory moment). Also, I may be wrong, but I don’t think Scott MacIntyre had a solo the entire night, to which I say to the producers THANK YOU.
Nevertheless, a later appearance by Jason Mraz singing with the group was similarly strange but fairly inoffensive, as was a nifty little bluegrass number courtesy of Michael Sarver, Megan Joy, and… Steve Martin? Kind of strange, but it worked (although, fast forwarding was still employed).
Unsurprisingly, Danny Gokey took to the stage with Lionel Richie, which afforded the two of them a chance to revel in generic music together. Lionel, who looks like he may have had some work done on that big ol’ face of his, seemed to enjoy hamming it up on stage, and Danny seemed quite at home, crooning “All Night Long” to the masses as he finally realized his fate of being the consummate amusement park entertainer.
Kris, meanwhile, dueted with Keith Urban, and I automatically was bracing to hate this pairing, but it turns out that the two of them did a really nice job together. I’m neither a country nor a Keithy Urbs fan, but I actually liked the performance quite a bit, and up until that point in the show, it had ranked as the best act so far.
Adam, however, also brought it to his duet, which was more of a banshee mating ritual than anything else — but it’s okay. It worked. That’s because he took to the stage with Kiss. Yes, Adam finally got to pair up with some aging glam rockers (are they glam, actually? Or just strange?), and he fit in quite well. Amusingly, when the spotlight first shone on Glambert alone on the stage, we saw him wearing some sort of Mad Max angel wings gettup on his shoulders that immediately invited derision and laughter (and just a smidge of respect). Just how over the top could Adam be? But when the lights raised on Kiss, Adam’s formerly outrageous gettup seemed oddly demure and quaint. I mean, I know you can’t compete with stage makeup and oversized tongues, but Kiss really blew him out of the water sartorially. Adam’s lil wings looked like the glam rock equivalent of training wheels.

“Take me to the THUNDERDOME!”

“I’ll show Tina Turner who’s Tina Turner!”

We also had an energetic and fun number from The Black Eyed Peas, who employed the use of strangely patterned gimps / sex slaves to help illustrate the finer subtleties of “BOOM BOOM POW!” Fergie, who indeed looked like she might be so 3008, pranced around with her usual gusto; although, she refrained from executing one of her patented on-stage cartwheels (nor did she pee herself, which was a tad disappointing).
However, the best performance of the night — and perhaps one of the very best of the season — was the unlikely pairing of Allison Iraheta and Cyndi Lauper. The two sang a transfixing version of “Time After Time” that was truly remarkable. Even though Cyndi Lauper bopped around at times like a long lost member of Fraggle Rock, the performance was so sublime that I couldn’t even bring myself to mock any of it at all. Unlike the other duets, Allison and Cyndi seemed to actually be interacting through music. There was interplay and emotion there, and we also got the sense that the two had worked together to really make the moment work. It wasn’t just that they both got up there and divvied up the verses. There was real artistry present, and I once again became enraged that Danny Gokey got farther than Ally Iraheets in this silly competition. This duet combined with the one she sang with Adam Lambert have me convinced that Allison is not only a great singer, but she brings out the best in everyone around her too.
Of course, the finale was about more than just singing. We also had some blasts from the past as the show doled out “awards” to some of the more memorable contestants from the early rounds of the season. Normally, I despise this portion of the finale, but this time around, I was absolutely thrilled to see these familiar faces. We started off with Normund Gentles, who did his usual crazy shtick. It was funny, but not his best work. We also had the return of Tatiana Del Toro, who pretended to overrun Ryan’s attempt to cut to commercial as she ran around on stage with her little award and sang Whitney Houston. It was an okay moment, but clearly very scripted — something that was obvious to everyone except perhaps Ruben Studdard, who sat in the audience with his mouth gaping, sweat glands ready to explode at any second. Truthfully, the show could have done more with Tatiana, just as they did with Bikini Girl, who provided the most entertaining and hilarious segment of the evening.
Unsurprisingly, Bikini Girl took to the stage in her patented bikini, which was a few sizes larger now thanks to some well-placed silicone in the chestal region. This prompted Ryan to crack a surprisingly funny joke about “what’s new” with her, and for the first time in his Idol tenure, he actually elicited loud, genuine laughter (as opposed to the usual awkward variety). To be fair, Bikini Girl did get implants, but they were amazingly tasteful. It’s not like she suddenly had two melons popping out from under that bronzed hide of hers. They were quite proportionate, and as such, they receive a seal of approval from B-Side Blog.
Well, Ryan handed Bikini Girl a mic, and to the sound of jeers from jealous girls in the audience, she began butchering her trademark song, “Vision of Love” by Mariah Carey. She sounded pretty horrible at first, and just when she was showing slight promise, Kara DioGuardi appeared and pretty much blew her out of the water. I’m not sure if Bikini Girl was expecting it (I don’t think she was), but it was hilarious. Bikini Girl tried to keep up, but at a certain point, she just stopped and glared as it was clear she was being totally outclassed (even if Kara’s upstaging behavior wasn’t totally classy). As the song wound down, however, Bikini Girl returned to the mic and attempted to out-Kara Kara with some melismatic runs, but they were sort of terrible and awkward, especially since she continued to do them after the music had stopped. Ah, but Kara wasn’t done stomping on her orange-colored rival. At the end of the performance, she ripped open her dress, revealing a bikini of her own. It was a wowzahs! moment.
Unfortunately, Kara didn’t quite own it, and in the post performance interview, she revealed that she had done it all as a bet, with the money going to charity. She then held her dress tight in shame as she pranced off the stage. It was bizarre. But awesome.

“ARTISTRY!”

Well, this certainly is lonesome.

So that’s about all I can remember. What were your favorite moments of the night? How did you feel about the outcome? And why do you think it turned out the way it did?