HILLS RECAP: She Works Not Hard For The Money

I could really go for a Triscuit right now.

There are three things that make any Hills episode good: Kelly Cutrone getting mad, Heidi having an illogical argument with another girl, and Audrina telling off Justin Bobby. Just our luck that last night’s show had all three of those elements. By far the most entertaining plot involved Lady Cutrone, who unsurprisingly called upon Lauren (who actually had something to do on the show this week) to fire Stephanie. We knew we’d inevitably reach this point, especially after Steph had taken to such bad work habits as hanging up on callers and staring into space for hours on end. It was as if she were leaving cracker crumbs of awfulness all over the metaphorical couture gown that was Lauren’s job. Yes, this was not an occupational pairing that was meant for success, and we knew it wouldn’t be long before Stephanie’s career ambitions would be utterly destroyed like a stack of Wheat Thins stuck in a blender.

When we first saw Steph this week, she was mentally traipsing through a field of daffodils and honeysuckles — or at least the cracker aisle in the Piggly Wiggly. Yes, Steph was in love, and given that Lauren had taken to wearing a giant shmata on her head, I thought that maybe the two would embrace this moment with a spontaneous performance from Fiddler on the Roof. For the record, MTV, I would be totally down for an all Hills version of said musical, if only to see Heidi inhabit the role of Tzeitel. And let’s face it: how wonderful would it be to see Brent Bolthouse and Kelly Cutrone singing “Sunrise, Sunset” to each other? There wouldn’t be a dry hipster eye in the audience. But I digress.
The point is that instead of working, Steph was proclaiming her need to go on a “man hunt” — a declaration that surely sent all the men in a four block radius running for the hills. Actually, Steph didn’t even need a so-called man hunt, and not because the Nabisco factory where she had planned to do her scouting was so far away. No, it’s because she’d already discovered a new fount of adoration: Robert. Yup, Stephanie was head over heels for this mysterious bloke, which confused me as to why she felt the need to go hunting down more peen. Maybe she felt like getting in touch with her inner slut? Or maybe she’s just an idiot. Or maybe both.
Idiot, slut, Wasa enthusiast — whatever you want to call her, one label you most certainly could NOT give her would be “worker.” Lauren reminded her about five times to pack up some neutral gowns for an impending photo shoot, but we could tell this request would go unheeded, especially after Steph’s celly lit up to the tune of “No Diggity.” Soon she was babbling away to Robert, whispering sweet nothings about Saltines and water crackers while a nearby co-worker glared with the sort of rage that often leads to homicidal disembowelments.

“I could strangle that bitch RIGHT NOW!”

Well, it didn’t take a lot of imagination to predict what would happen next. Lauren arrived at the photo shoot the next day, and guess what was missing? ALL THE LOOKS STEPH WAS SUPPOSED TO PULL. In their stead? A small IOU note and a half-eaten box of Ritz Bits. Okay, I kid. There were no crackers. In fact, there was nothing. Steph had forgotten to pack the outfits. This led to eye rolling and dismissive comments from Lo, who just so happened to be working the same photo shoot, and the next day when Kelly returned to the office, she was not pleased.
“You look happy,” she told Steph, before announcing in a most foreboding way, “I’m not.”
Sure enough, Kelly summoned Lauren up to her lair and tasked her with the unenviable (but surely awesome) job of firing Steph. LC looked like she wanted to just run out of the room and hide under a giant pile of teddy bears, especially after Kelly made some slicing, dicing, and other general guillotine noises. Oh, this was going to be a wonderful scene. But alas! The credits rolled instead! I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see Lauren’s termination speech. It really shouldn’t weigh too heavily on her because it’s not like it was her choice to fire Steph. She’s just following orders. That should relieve some of the guilty burden. Honestly, if I were Lauren, I’d just break the news quickly and authoritatively. Or maybe recruit Elodie to tell Steph, “You don’t even know what’s right or wrong anymore. So… SEE YA!”
Speaking of Elodie, her replacement Kimberly could not look more bored these days as she listens to Heidi yammer on about Stacie and Spencer. I’m not sure what she’s even doing on the show at this point. Then again, without her we wouldn’t learn necessary expository information such as last night when she randomly mused “I can’t believe we only have twelve days to finish the event.” The event? What event? This was a clunky settup if we ever saw one (and for the record, we never saw the event, but I imagine it’s coming up in a future episode). Anyway, for reasons unknown to me, Heidi headed back to The Dime to chat with Stacie yet again.. Why? I don’t remember. I think I blacked out — much like Stephanie did upon first discovering that chowder came with complimentary oyster crackers. Point is, we had another fateful detente between the girls.
“Funny seeing you here,” Stacie remarked as Heidi strolled into the bar.
“Funny seeing you here,” Heidi shot back. Um, she WORKS there. It’s not funny in the slightest. Nor is it ironic, unexpected, or surprising. Sadly, I think Heidi has spent too much time around Spencer, the king of repeating words back in a nonsensical way in an effort to somehow turn an argument around. Anyway, the girls started off on a mildly conciliatory note as they babbled away about how silly it was for a guy to come between two friends, but then they realized they weren’t actually friends to begin with… so… never mind. Let the fighting resume.
Soon both girls were engaging in a circular argument, with one of them yelling, “Don’t judge me!” and the other responding back “Don’t judge me!” The bar patrons, meanwhile, looked like they were having the time of their lives watching this idiotic debacle unfurl — and who could blame them? It was hilarious. Not more than two seconds after both girls requested a judgement-free zone, the two engaged in some swift judgments. Stacie called Heidi crazy, and then Heidi called Stacie a slut and a home wrecker. It eventually ended with Heidi storming out and the random dude at the bar trying to contain his laughter.
Later, Heidi confronted Spencer about it Stacie, and we once again were treated to a sniveling exchange that did nothing but go around in circles. I would have transcribed it, but there were honestly too many silly statements to record. I found myself oddly siding with Spencer, who couldn’t even believe that Heidi had gone and confronted Stacie AGAIN. Then again, the poor girl does live with Spencer. It’s no wonder she’s become a paranoid nutcase.
Meanwhile, over in Audrina’s world, we had the long-awaited return of Justin Bobby, a development preceded by three days of gutter odors seeping through my TV and a voice in my head saying “Heeee’s coming….” For once it seemed like Aud was truly over her professional hobo as she announced at the top of the show that she simply had stopped answering his calls and texts because she just didn’t want to deal with him anymore. Yes, it all seemed headed in the right direction, but this is Audrina after all, and after all that talk about giving JB the cold shoulder, she chose an industry showcase with The Script (appropriate band for The Hills, yes?) to finally take his call. Really? While you’re at work? Of all times? I mean, hey, I know the band sounded super crappy, but you gotta at least give them your full attention. And whither Chiara, Audrina’s faithful sidekick wannabe? So many questions. And I don’t know why I raise them because I really don’t care for the answers. I guess that in and of itself is a question too.
Anyway, Audrina and Justin Bobby agreed to meet at BoHo in Hollywood for the Fastest. Dinner. Ever. Basically, Audrina sat down, the two bickered for about three seconds, and then she got up, and they both left. Methinks something was left on the editing room floor (ie. appetizers and entrees). Nevertheless, Justin Bobby was all pissed off about these rumors (a.k.a. facts) that Audrina had spent the night in Brody’s room. It was understandable, given how hellacious Audrina had become while all those murmurings of Lauren and Justin Bobby were floating around. I guess the difference is that we like Audrina, and we don’t like Justin Bobby; so she can get away with it, and he can’t. Plus, he has a history of being totally awful and untrustworthy; so that colors the situation too. And let’s not overlook those ridiculous socks. I’m not inherently opposed to such things (well, maybe slightly), but I am predisposed to disliking dirtbags that wear them in an attempt to look counterculture and then show up at every chic nightspot in LA. Oh well. It’s Justin Bobby. What can you do — aside from soaking in Purell and donning a leftover Swine Flu mask.
Let’s look at some pictures…
(okay, I’ve waited five hours for MTV to post their photos, and of course, they haven’t. Check back later…)
What did you think about the show? What’s the deal with Heidi and Spencer? Does Justin Bobby have a right to be angry? And who else is sad to see the impending end of the She-Pratt/Cutrone era?