HILLS PHOTOCAP: Jayde Hates Audrina, Heidi Hates Stacie, and Western Civilization Hates All Four Of Them

A funny thing just happened: it’s Monday afternoon, and I realized I haven’t written anything about last week’s episode of The Hills. Apologies all around. This in no way reflects the quality of the episode, which was highly amusing. Basically, it focused on girls being bitches to each other, and last time I checked, that’s always grounds for good television. In one corner, we had Heidi going at it with Stacie the Bartender (again), and in the other corner, we had Audrina squaring off against Brody’s collagen-injected lady friend, Jayde. Needless to say, many harsh words were had, bottles of Jagermeister chugged, and fun times had.

Sadly, many of the details are a bit murky to me, but if I remember correctly, Speidi’s issues started when Heidi discovered a text message from Stacie on Spencer’s phone inviting him to H.Wood. I’m not sure which violation of trust was bigger: Heidi reading Spencer’s texts or Spencer hanging out with Stacie behind her back, but you can be sure that DR. JORDANNA MANSBACHER was gonna get to the bottom of it! Well, actually, not so much. She tried to get a few mousy words in edgewise at therapy, but the double-headed monster that is Speidi simply bulldozed over her with their constant torrent of idiocy. Madame Mansbacher would do well to just pretend to listen and care before moving onto something far more important — much as Heidi’s sidekick Kimberly does whenever she gets trapped on an ambling walk with her flaxen co-worker.
Anyway, for reasons that seemed to be rooted in passive-aggression, Heidi decided to go to H.Wood and surprise Stacie there herself. She took a seat in the club with Steph and Holly loyally by her side, and guess who then showed up? Stacie and her brunette posse. Now, if I were Stacie, I’d probably sit as far away as possible, given that the last time there had been interaction between these two girls, accusations of sluttiness and no-pants-wearing were bandied about like trucker hats at a Brody convention (not sure that makes sense, but I’m gonna go with it). However, Stacie and her friends opted to sit down next to Heidi and chat it up, which really made little sense. Stacie informed Heidi that once she’s gone, there’ll be another Stacie and then another and another after that (especially if the producers recruit them!). Seriously though, she was right. Heidi and Spencer have a union based on little trust and lots of fame seeking. Not a great combo.
Nevertheless, Stacie’s presence was still not well-received by the Heidi clan, and needless to say, the night did not end with hugs and invitations to brunch. I actually don’t remember how the evening ended (again, that I-watched-it-seven-days-ago thing), but I do know that Heidi and Spencer wound up back in therapy where it appeared as though little progress would ever be made between them. Later in the show, Spencer did a solo meeting with DR. JORDANA MANSBACHER where he seemed somewhat open to change and self-reflection, but all his creepy whispering suggested that maybe he just was in dire need of meds. Who knows.
As for Audrina’s saga, her little Hawaiian adventures with Brody was starting to bite her in the ass. She had incurred the wrath of Jayde, who seemed hellbent on grabbing Aud in her lady claws and tearing her to pieces. A party at Doug’s house turned into a near brawl as Jayde and her playmate posse cornered Audrina and tried to scare the bejesus out of her, but the joke was on Jayde. Audrina’s incapable of showing or feeling emotion beyond blankness; so their efforts were in vain. Faced with no other option, Jayde grabbed a nearby bottle of Jagermeister and chugged it. You know, because she’s THAT hardcore! Now, I know that Jayde is probably accustomed to swallowing many liquids in large quantities, but I fear that this may not have been a wise move for such a petite girl. The last thing we’d want would be for her to develop the jaundice. Yellow eyes simply do NOT mesh well with Botox.
However, the Jager chug is apparently Jayde’s signature “I could cut a bitch!” move because she did it not once but twice in the episode. Later, when Audrina showed up at local hotspot MyHouse, the two girls sparred again while Brody sat by quietly, staying out of the fray. Funny how neither of them were extending their wrath towards him, the man in the middle of it all. Then again, I’m sure Frankie and Sleazy-T would have swooped in and thrown the ladies out of the club, lest anyone threaten their fearless Master.
To be fair to Jayde, she actually is totally in the right in this situation. Shrill, yes? But Audrina did do something shady with Brody, and given how much of a nutcase Aud turned into last season when she though Lauren had DONE IT with Justin Bobby, you’d hope she’d maybe think twice before sleeping in a non-single guy’s bed. But I guess if there’s one thing one shouldn’t go looking for on The Hills, it’s rational perspective. Oh well.
Ultimately, Brody concluded to Lauren (oh yeah, she’s still in the show) that he may have to sacrifice his friendship with Audrina over this all. Heavens no. What a horrible dilemma. What do you think about their situation? And how about the Speidi mess? Hey, let’s look at some pictures!

Heidi: “So here’s my question: why the HELL are you wearing such an idiotic shirt?”

Brody: “Jayde, you know I love you, even if you do have alcoholic tendencies and have had more restorative work done than Mt. Rushmore.”

Heidi: “Holly, I’d get out of the way. Steph’s about three seconds away from projectile vomiting on you.”

“Hey!!! I just DID IT with your boyfriend!”

“So if I sit next to a lightbulb, does that mean I’ll get a really good idea about something?”

“And this is how I DO IT with my mouth!”

“Believe it or not, I’ve actually coated my palms with aluminum. Now I can give myself a tan anywhere!”

Jayde: “If you’re so special, how many cosmetic surgeries have you had? Five? Psssssh.”

“Just so you know, I would never, ever do anything sketchy with Brody… At least not in the contiguous forty-eight states.”
“Contiguous? Like swine flu? You gave Brody swine flu??? YOU BITCH!!!”

“Just so you know, I’m actually 57 years old.”

Audrina: “Don’t you realize I would never sleep with Brody? HE SHOWERS!!!!”

“I’m so mad, I could go reenact Singles RIGHT NOW!!!”

“Why am I friends with these people?”