Best 'Apprentice' Finale Ever?

As many people may know, I’ve been an Apprentice fan since the very beginning — loyally standing by the show even as an undeserved backlash nearly threatened to sink it completely (okay, the Los Angeles season DID suck, but it still had its moments). However, for as great as I believe the series is, NBC and Mark Burnett unceasingly botch the finale every single season — producing a bloated, awkward, and generally disappointing final episode that’s usually more noteworthy for its length than anything else. In fact, it’s been my longstanding theory that after season two’s disastrously long finale, the buzz turned on the show as people focused less on its entertainment and camp value and more on its propensity for product placement and overblown statements from Trump himself. Whether or not that theory holds true, it’s fairly undeniable that the Apprentice finales always seem to be lacking in some way. Either they’re total blowouts by one player or they’re crammed full of dumb filler segments (ie. musical numbers or polling audience reaction) or they simply lack drama. And let’s not forget about the awkward “reunion” elements of the show, which are always equal parts dull and unsatisfying (unlike Survivor, which knows how to do a reunion right, the Apprentice always drops the ball in magnificent ways by rarely asking noteworthy questions and dedicating only about two minutes of airtime to the segment in general).
However, that all changed on last night’s epic finale. It had everything we always wanted and needed from such a show, and finally we were served up a climactic episode that was enthralling, exciting, and full of the intense hatred we like to see from celebs in competition. In short, it was amazing.

Of course, we couldn’t expect anything other than fireworks heading into this rivalry between Joan Rivers and Annie Duke. The two grand dames were fairly equally matched, and to paraphrase Tyra Banks, each girl had what the other needed. Joan had heart, likability, and an (occasionally unstable) emotional core. Annie had cunningness, viciousness, and an ability to read people like none other. Unfortunately for Annie, she also had an uncanny ability to play the vicim (perhaps strategically?), something she did on a regular and annoying basis. Sure, Joan called her Hitler, but Annie acted as if she were some sweet virginal innocent who’d never hurt a fly. Truth was that Annie was terribly ruthless — which was totally fine — but let’s not overlook the fact that she announced her intention to leave Joan quite literally DEAD by the end of the finale. You know who else liked killing people? HITLER!
Nevertheless, the feud between these two was truly fantastic, and Trump himself seemed to be quite proud of the firestorm he had stoked over the past few weeks. When he opened the show at the Natural History Museum in Manhattan, he sized up both competitors like boxers; although, curiously enough, when he discussed Annie, the camera panned over to a shark, and when he discussed Joan, we then gazed upon the fossilized remains of a DINOSAUR. Talk about passive aggressive.
Anyway, for the final task, both women were charged with creating a silent auction to raise money for their charities. There would be five components to the challenge: money raised, celebrity integration, brand integration (Kodak was the sponsor), charity integration, and use of the new Kodak EasyShare frame — which basically is what this challenge was all about. This is about when most people get all flustered and angry about the blatant product placement on The Apprentice — to which I just say pishposh. A) who really cares? Would it be that much better without it? B) Without the sponsorship, this show might not make it to air. Reality TV doesn’t pay for itself. Either give up your Tivos or accept the product placement, and C) honestly, what charity — on a reality show or not — is without product placement? That’s just the way it goes.
Well, the first order of business for the women was to pick their teams from a pool of Melissa Rivers, Brande Roderick, Dennis Rodman, Tom Greene, Hershel Walker, and Clint Black. Joan wisely forgooed the option of taking her daughter first, instead taking Hershel. It was a clever strategy as Melissa would have wound up on Joan’s crew (a.k.a. Team Ohw! Ohw!) anyway; so why waste a prime spot on her? As predicted, Joan wound up with Melissa (and Clint) while Annie took on Dennis and Tom — the latter of whom Annie proclaimed she was a huge fan of until later on in the task when she revealed that she thought he was basically a shmuck. I’m shocked she didn’t load him onto a train and send him off to Poland.
We then took a two hour odyssey of event planning as we watched the two teams organize their auctions — a process that was significantly more engaging than I thought it would be. I honestly planned to only watch the first hour of the show last night and complete the rest this morning, but when I reached the sixty minute mark, I simply couldn’t turn away. The whole thing was such a mess and the bitterness between the women so strong that I couldn’t turn away. I also enjoyed the creative decision to keep the live audience mic’d during the segments. It wouldn’t seem like a feature that would work, but it really does augment the excitement and spectacle of the event. Just as it’s more fun to watch a movie in a packed theater, it’s great watching reality TV with a group or friends, and while I wouldn’t necessarily call an anonymous crowd of people on TV my “friends,” hearing their reactions certainly leant a communal vibe to the proceedings that only served to heighten the experience. It’s oddly great and wonderful and to know that I’m not the only one who cackles when one of these celebs says something dumb (or nearly gets hit in the head by a traffic light).
Anyway, most of the drama from the first two hours stemmed from the fact that the producers paired each team with an event planner from the same firm. Annie’s woman seemed to be perfectly fine and on board with all the design concepts. Joan’s guy, David, however, seemed to be a prissy control freak who was uncomfortable with anyone else’s vision of anything. Whenever Joan articulated her vision, he sort of just stared vacantly or paused for a moment as he tried to process how that could wedge into his overall plan for the event, and needless to say, disaster soon followed. Joan impresses me as a woman who is sympathetic and sweet and emotional and wonderful… until you cross her. And then she’s a nightmare. She gets what she wants, and she’s not afraid to ask for it. Well, that’s pretty much what we saw, and as she got on the phone with the guy later in the afternoon, and he proposed white lounge chairs and white this and white that and red accents, she was most unimpressed. Joan explained her views in a fairly direct way — which may not have been exactly what this guy was looking to hear. And did I mention that he was apparently the president of this event planning firm? Needless to say, his ego was a bit bruised, and we knew he was sulking big time when he later pawned Joan off to his assistant, clearly not wanting to deal with her anymore. The problems continued to mount, and finally David freaked out and quit, perhaps forgetting that the client is number one, not him.
And that’s when the shit hit the fan.
It was Friday evening, all the vendors were closed, and now Joan was without an event planner, without a decor, without chairs, without tables, without balloons, without anything. And she wasn’t the only one. This guy was so disgusted by Joan’s behavior that the entire firm pulled out of the show (idiots), leaving Annie high and dry too. Understandably, Annie was pissed off, and as such, she channeled all her rage into various hostile phone calls that all went along the lines of this: “Hi Angela? It’s Annie Duke. I need an event planner. Also, I WANT TO KILL JOAN RIVERS AND LEAVE HER DEAD AND ROTTING. Also, what are your thoughts about burning down the Reichstag?”
Annie then pulled this “woe is me” crap where she acted as if she were the innocent victim of Joan’s outrageous behavior. I’ll say yes, Annie was definitely screwed over in this situation, but it wasn’t because Joan was so awful. It’s because that GUY was so awful. Seriously. I think we all know his type too. I just wish the show had used the firm’s name so we could know how TERRIBLE they are.
Anyway, both teams then had to scramble for some last minute help. I really didn’t understand Joan’s fretting. She’s about as plugged into the gay world as you can be. Surely she could mobilize an army of followers to bathe the space in swaths of tulle netting and balloons (because that’s what gays do, obvs). Well guess what? That’s pretty much what happened. Volunteers from Joan’s charity, God’s Love We Deliver, all showed up and helped put together the room the way Joan had wanted it all along. (And given that she later won the decor portion of the task, we gotta hand it to her for sticking to her guns. And I also hope the event planner guy feels like shit).
On Annie’s side, she too found some last minute saviors, and they worked through the night to put together a perfectly nice looking space as well. However, whereas Joan’s was fun and festive, Annie’s was a bit cold and antiseptic. It also didn’t help that seemingly everywhere you looked were sad pictures of refugees and starving children. Look, I know it’s all for charity, and I know it’s important to get the charity’s message out there (and I also know that Annie did win the charity integration portion of the challenge), but isn’t it simply overkill at a certain point? The event is supposed to be fun, not a total downer. It’s not to say that people looked miserable, but compared to Joan’s side of the room (which was significantly more crowded), it looked like a total snoozefest.
Joan, meanwhile, pulled in a nice number of celebrities, and while I wouldn’t call them superstars (ahem, Constantine Maroulis), they still were noteworthy (Kathy Griffin). Granted, I don’t know who anyone in the cast of Chicago is, but having them there added an element of excitement — like this were an Event with a capital E. Also helping with the fine frenzy was the presence of celebrity impersonators, an idea hatched from the affable head of Hershel Walker. I’m not normally a huge fan of drag queens and celebrity impersonators as I think that outrageous doesn’t always imply funny, but for an event like this, the idea was perfect. It’s all about the spectacle, and if Joan couldn’t pull in the big celebs, why not have fake ones? It’s still a photo op. As soon as Joan signed off on the idea, I knew she’d be winning the event, even if The Donald was a bit creeped out by some of the gender-bending antics. And speaking of gender-bending antics, I feel now would be a good time to mention the presence of Vogue magazine’s André Leon Talley, who seemed most uncomfortable stuffed into a tiny chair next to Melania Trump in the audience. The juxtaposition of the two was bizarre indeed and made especially more bizarre by the fact that he looked like a giant black lady wearing hot pink loungewear (a look, I might add, that I do not discourage in the least).
Anyway, where was I? I don’t remember. The point is that both events seemed successful, even if Annie’s was a bit antiseptic and full of sketchy poker types. Later in the board room, Joan did one of her usual flip-outs and accused Annie’s money of having Mafia blood on it. I would say this qualified as an outlandish — but perhaps not untrue — claim, but rather than brush it off and let Joan’s ridiculousness speak for itself, Annie attempted to do her whole “I’ve never personally attacked you in the boardroom” routine, which of course was idiotic because a) Trump LIKES it when people attack each other, and b) she’s made personal attacks outside the boardroom; so it doesn’t really matter. Truth is that as righteous as Joan has been about honor, she’s definitely said some very shady things about Annie, but in a weird way she gets a pass. There’s no real logic behind the pass, but for some reason, old people and comedians have the leeway to call people Hitler and Mafia-loving without it really seeming awful. Sorry Annie. That’s just the way it goes.
Truth is that Annie was a brilliant player all season, but she only had one flaw in her game: she didn’t know how to deal with Joan. Each and every time, Joan got the last word in edgewise (it also helped that she had the more favorable edit). So no matter how shrewd Annie was, she was never able to contain Joan, and while both women may have been equally passionate (and I believe they were), Joan came off as the one who was particularly tenacious and fervent about winning.
Of course, Joan’s biggest asset was that she recognized Annie’s type from day one and knew exactly how to deal with her. While pretty much every other person allowed themselves to be played by Ms. Duke, Joan nipped every opportunity for manipulation at the bud. She didn’t hear Annie out, she didn’t let Annie speak, and she never for one moment concerned herself with how Annie felt. That’s really all Annie would have needed to have railroaded right over Joan. And so while people may bitch and moan that Annie deserved the whole show because she was a better player, you can’t overlook the fact that Joan — though histrionic and crazy — kept Annie totally in check. (Best example: the top of the episode when Annie tried to clear the air about something or another and Joan told her that she wasn’t going to hear it nor was she going to allow America to hear it. Snap!)
Anyway, I’m glossing over tons of stuff from the show (hey it was three hours!), but eventually we wound up with Annie and Joan facing The Donald on live television. In the past, this last segment of the finale is usually full of stuffy and awkward proclamations by contestants as they attempt to make one last case for themselves. It’s usually not terribly exciting or tense, but thanks to the bitter feud between Annie and Joan, we had a true battle royale on our hands. The ladies did not even attempt to be civil to each other. They were like two pitbulls going at it, and in the end, it was Joan who landed the best zinger when she corrected Annie, who had claimed to have acted the most “professional.”
“ProfessionalLY,” Joan snapped back. Gotta respect the grammar. Team Joan all the way.
Sure enough, Trump simply couldn’t help but be impressed with Joan’s “energy” — a term that would normally sound foofy and dumb, but in this case truly applied. There was a sense that Joan would not take no for an answer, and as smart and savvy as Annie was, her killer instinct simply wanted next to the elder Rivers. Trump turned to Annie and fired her, which was great not just because I was rooting for Joan, but because for a second there, Annie anticipated that she’d been hired, and her face lifted with pure joy before crashing down in pure disappointment. It was utterly fantastic.
Sadly, the finale ran long, which meant there wasn’t any post-show discussion. It just sort of ENDED. I would have liked to have heard more from the celebs, who clearly had their own axes to grind. Dennis Rodman and Jesse James got into it a little bit, with Dennis dropping what appeared to be the F-bomb on live TV. Brande, meanwhile, proved to be totally annoying in her coy responses to everything. I was a big fan of her through much of the season, but she really wore thin in the last few episodes. Her awkward exchange with The Donald over whether or not she could have beaten Annie was enough to make me want to crawl under my kitchen table and not emerge for three days.
And then there was Clint, who clearly was miffed by his negative portrayal on the show. When Trump asked who he would fire, the country star said “Your editor.” It was kind of a fresh response, and I don’t think Trump was happy with it. Still, he pressed for an answer, and Clint did his typical thing: he took cover and abdicated himself from any responsibility. At this point, Trump looked genuinely pissed and told Clint that he took back all the nice things he’d ever said about him. It was said in jest… but not totally. Memo to Clint: this is a live show. Can’t blame the editors anymore for your smarmy, dickish behavior.
Well, I’m overwhelmed. I can’t think of anything else to write about even though there’s plenty, I’m sure. What did you think about the finale? Which whore pit viper should have won? And who else was scared by Ivanka’s VERY. URGENT. TELEPROMPTER. READING?