HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: The One Where Everyone Fights With Everyone Else

“I’m a BITCH.”

OHHHHHHHH my.
I’m afraid The Real Housewives of New York City have peaked for the season because there’s no topping tonight’s episode. Everyone, and I mean, everyone got into a fight (with the exception of Countess LuAnn, but her divorce was announced today; so that sort of counts — no pun intended). And these weren’t just awkward inappropriate-for-the-Cancer-Society tiffs. These were out and out hurtful interactions, full of blood-boiling confrontation and pent-up accusations. In other words, it was awesome.

I actually thought writing about tonight would be easy, what with the glut of material Bravo just heaped onto our laps. However, I’m finding myself in a catatonic overload. There was so much to take in, so much stimulation that I’ve somehow managed to block all of it out. What did I just see? Did that really happen? Was that a dream? I can’t even remember specific quotes — which is a shame because as I was watching I kept telling myself “Oooh, you must remember that.” In the end, all I can really recollect is Kelly doing her little “This is you; this is me” bit (with the Bethenny hand being low, the Kelly hand being high).
Oh, that fight was painful to watch. First of all, it went from zero to sixty way too fast, and I don’t think it was solely because of Bravo’s editing. I thought Kelly was going to try to clear the air, maybe win over Bethenny. No no. Kelly was on a rampage. But let’s back up a second. As shallow and insubstantial as Kelly has been increasingly coming off as, she sort of had a right to be annoyed with Bethenny. The Natural Foods Chef was very cold to her at fashion week, and during the charity meeting, let’s face it — Bethenny was sort of being a bitch. Not saying that Kelly didn’t deserve any of it, but I’m just of the CWTC school of thought (and yes, that stands for Class with the Countess). Let Kelly look like the fool, Bethenny. Rise above it.
Anyway, even Bethenny knew she was somewhat out of line and admitted later on that if Kelly asked for an apology, she would have given it. Instead, Kelly went on this whole Tyra-worthy rant about how she and Bethenny weren’t friends, would never be friends, and therefore don’t have to act nice to each other. Blah blah blah. Not a great intro (especially given that Kelly was thirty minutes late to the meeting she had arranged — a major lapse in etiquette that LuAnn gave the haughty “My Love” laugh to later on). Of course, Kelly coming on strong put Bethenny even more on the offensive/defensive (she managed to be both all at once), but surprisingly, Bethenny kept her cool — even though we could see she was fuming inside. This served to only fluster Kelly, who struggled to make coherent arguments — or at least factually correct ones. At one point she cited the infamous house party in which she allegedly hit on Bethenny’s boyfriend, saying that she wasn’t making overtures, just being chatty with the hired help. Oops. Party foul — that wasn’t hired help. It was Bethenny’s GUEST. In Kelly’s defense, Bethenny was also acting inappropriately at the party. You know, she was… uh… um… See here’s the problem. I don’t know what Bethenny was doing because two seconds after making the accusation, Kelly found herself unable to actually relay what the offending behavior was; so instead she turned it around on Bethenny and asked her to explain it. Of course, when Bethenny was clueless as to what to say, Kelly took that as proof of insolence. Needless to say, the lack of logic was making my head spin.
What was even worse was how later on, Kelly made herself sound so mature and levelheaded during the argument. She told LuAnn that she merely expressed to Bethenny that they weren’t friends and that Bethenny had no right to be so catty to her at the meeting. Look, if Kelly had actually said that (and who knows, maybe it’s on the editing room floor), it would have been one thing. Instead, she was just obnoxious on all fronts — especially with a viciously appalling Mean Girls attitude that was equal parts sarcastic and snotty. I think we’ve found our East Coast Tamra.
Of course, Kelly then patted herself on the back for being above “high school” ridiculousness and coming from a proper upbringing. It was one of the more deluded moments since the Orange County ladies left the airwaves last month. As for Bethenny, she handled herself very well. At first she sounded tense and angry, but as the scene unfurled, the vitriol left her voice and instead was replaced by perhaps shock or incredulousness over Kelly’s behavior. It was, by all means, quite the sight.
And it wasn’t the only imbroglio of the evening. Our other troublemaker, Ramona, and her husband Mario were behind not just one but two verbal altercations at a Page Six party later in the episode. First up, Mario — who seemed a bit drunk — got all belligerent to Jill about this ridiculous tennis match they’ve been planning since who knows when. Apparently emails had been sent, and in them, Jill had gotten quite terse. I always say that email is the worst way to convey emotion because people tend to project the worst possible tone into any text. Then again, knowing Jill, it was probably intended that way.
Anyway, Mario started going off on Jill for letting her fifteen minutes of fame get to her head and being self-centered and not having a job, etc. etc.. It was all wildly inappropriate, and I was a little shocked that Bawwwwbby was being so passive in the situation. If it were me, I would have pulled Jill away or said something to Mario. But Bobby just stood there and smiled. Eh, then again — it was massively entertaining.
Point is that Mario was way out of line, and he’s gotten entirely too caught up in this tennis game nonsense. Chill out, dude. Well, he wasn’t about to chill out. He then propositioned Alex to take over Jill’s spot, which led to warm laughter all around. As Simon noted, it seemed as though the Singers and the Van Kempen-McCords were finally getting along!
But that didn’t last very long. Eventually, Ramona and Mario revealed just exactly why they had such a bone to pick with Silex. Turns out that they invited the couple to some swanky event, and then two days later, those nude photos of Alex surfaced in the tabloids. WELL. The Singers do not socialize with such wanton trash! The pics proved to be wildly embarrassing to the Singers (as opposed to a season and a half of crazy dancing, bizarre outbursts, and cringe-inducing lapses in manners and class), and as such, they felt quite annoyed that they had introduced such lowlifes to their tony circle of peers.
Ramona then went so far as accusing Simon of planting the photos — a charge I could see being true as easily as I could see it being false — and claimed that Alex was very nice but always denied everything. I wasn’t totally sure what she was getting at, but it didn’t matter because Ramona and Mario were totally off-base. First of all, Alex’s nudie photos barely made a dent on pop culture. No one cared. Second of all — and most importantly — Ramona seems to have forgotten that she has a Playboy Playmate as a friend, a point that Simon brilliantly made. Upon hearing that, Ramona and Mario just sort of shrugged, not sure what that had to do with anything. It was a fairly dense moment.
Anyway, Simon reminded Ramona that she was caught on camera last season kissing the Playboy model on the lips — an accusation which Ramona refuted vehemently — but Simon’s point stood: how could Ramona be all pissy and offended by Alex’s topless pics (which if I remember were semi-artfully done) when she was clearly great friends with an established nude model? Sorry, Singers, but Silex totally schooled you with the logic.
And so there we have it. A meaty, overwhelming episode. And to think all I focused on were the fights. There was still plenty of other good stuff, but you guys will just have to talk about it in the comments section. Now, onto the photocap!

“Ramona, I’m so glad you could come to this red carpet event, WHICH I INVITED YOU TO.”
“Uh….”

“Have you ever noticed how we both have noses?”

“Kelly, before this conversation goes any further, I need to know: do you have any nude photos surfacing in the next few days? Because if so, that is totally unacceptable.”

“You’re so high school. I don’t have time for that. Besides, we all know that I’m rubber, and you’re glue, and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you. I mean, obvs.”

“Are you serious right now?”

“Are you serious right now?”

“No, I mean–“

“No, I mean–“

“Okay, I see what you’re doing.”

“Okay, I see what you’re doing.”

“Kelly Bensimon is a vapid bitch.”

“Kelly Bensimon is a vapid b– oh, REAL classy, Bethenny. Real classy. But guess what? The joke’s on you because I don’t think you’re funny.”

“I never said I was funny.”

“There you go again. Cracking jokes. Maybe it’s about time you realized that you’re here, and I’m here.”

“Why are you the higher hand?”

“Because a) I’m more important, and b) I’m taller.”

“Taller — I guess that explains why you’re always sunburnt. You’re closer to the sun.”

“Thank you.”

“That wasn’t a compliment.”

“Or was it?”

“I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t.”

“Now you’re just jealous that I got a compliment from you, and you didn’t. Typical.”

“I’m jealous that I didn’t get a compliment… from myself?”

“There you go, trying to be funny again. Not everything’s a joke. Must I remind you of the party in Sag Harbor? 2007?”

“Yes, actually, you do.”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Seriously, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What did I do?”

“You know what you did.”

“No, I don’t. Tell me.”

“You… you… you did that thing with that (cough) other thing.”

“Excuse me?”

“EW! Don’t call me a bitch!”

“I never said–“

“You know what you said, Bethenny. I really expected a lot more from you, but I guess we weren’t all lucky enough to have proper upbringings. I’m outta here.”

“Fine.”

“So I’ll see you later. Because I have a DATE! How about that? A DATE!”

“Whatever.”

“Yeah, it IS impressive.”

“Yup.”

“So yeah. DATE.”

Kelly: “And then I just stormed out of there!”
LuAnn: “Wow. You really are awful.”

“I don’t think you understand, Ramona. If this tennis game doesn’t happen, the universe will explode. Explode, I tell you!”
“Well, my mother always said you should get your own universe because you never want to be dependent on someone else’s.”

“Kelly, you know I’ve been in fashion for twenty-five years, right?”
“Of course I do! I mean, you’re up here, and I’m down here! I’m sorry, I can only converse in social rank.”

“Don’t you dare shush me, Marrrryoh. Bawwwby, tell Marrrryoh to stawwwp!!!”

“Ghand ghere’s another thing, ggJIll. I am dRUNK!!! True Faith.”

“You know how many drinks I’ve had tonight, Jill? FIVE! Plus ten others.”