HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Jill and Simon Serve Up Some Love (UPDATED)

After last week’s turbulent, fight-filled episode of The Real Housewives of New York City, Bravo switched things up and supplied us with an hour of pure comedy last night as the much-hyped tennis match between Ramona, Mario, Jill and Mystery Man finally took place. I gotta say, it was worth the wait. Jill and Bethenny managed to punk Ramona and Mario (Ramario?) nice and good by selecting an ever-eager Simon to be Jill’s tennis partner. Needless to say, once the plan was hatched, the buildup to the game was nothing less than hilariously extraordinary. How would Ramona react? How would Mario react? And could Simon and Jill (team Sill?) actually triumph at the end of the day?

Well, the short answer to the last question is no. Team Sill sucked, but that’s okay because it was all about getting a rise out of Ramario, which they did. Granted, it wasn’t a total meltdown situation as Bethenny so brilliantly acted out, but inside, Ramona was fuh-yuming. Her bug-eyes were even buggier than usual. She sort of had a right to be mad as Jill was totally fucking with her, and at its core, that’s kind of disrespectful, but at the same time, Ramona and Mario really had to chill the hell out over this game. Wasn’t it them last year who complained that Jill was getting too wrapped up in it? This time around, they were out of control — especially Mario, who’s really proving himself to be a bit of a jerk. He was very passive aggressive and rude to Jill (and Bobby), and his posturing on the court was really a bit much for a stupid tennis game.
Meanwhile, poor Simon made a fool of himself out there, but who cares really? I don’t think he cared. He looked like he was actually having fun, even if the ball was bouncing through his legs. I felt bad for him actually because there’s nothing worse than playing against (or with) people who have no patience for your skill level. Totally ruins the vibe of the game.
And those poor spectators. They must have been totally bored. I can’t imagine that Kelly was enjoying herself. She probably was thinking of all the cooler, more influential people she could have been with at that moment. You know, like MAX. Yes, let’s not forget about Kelly’s Parisian boytoy Max — the guy who apparently all the girls want to date, and yet he’s chosen Kelly and her contagiously sparkly face to be his main steady. I tend to think this is the only reason why she likes him. Not because of his fascinating commentary on the state of Las Vegas or sparkles, but because he’s highly coveted. And by the way, let’s hand over the Pulitzer right now for Kelly’s scintillating questions: “If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be?” If only he had said “Bethenny.”
Also, to harp on superficial physical things that she can’t change, but Kelly is sounding more and more like some sort of marine creature every week. A scene doesn’t go by when she doesn’t squeak. And I mean squeak. At one point, she was talking to Max and she just started letting out these noises. I swear ten cats appeared outside the window.
Countess LuAnn, on the other hand, has a sinfully deep voice, which she once again applied towards charity work. This week she paid a visit to the Smart Girls at the Boys and Girls Club of Brooklyn where she proudly announced that she’d always been confident since she was a kid. Hmmm… not sure if that makes you a great expert on getting confidence as you seem to inherently have it. Nevertheless, Mrs. De Lesseps yammered on about her family history (Suez Canal this, Panama canal that), and just when the kids looked like they all wanted to up and hang themselves, she switched the attention onto them and asked what they wanted to do when they grew up. One girl expressed interest in being a babysitter — something so incredulous to LuAnn that she immediately busted out the haughty Countess laugh, and then followed it up with a dismissive and beautifully condescending “You’re cute.” Hahahhahahaha my love. Who wants to be a BABYSITTER — right Rosanna?
Things soon went from bad to worse as a hefty girl stood up and declared that she wanted to be a model. LuAnn could barely mask her bemusement as she asked how old the girl was. “Ten,” she said, causing LuAnn to reply that the girl still “has time.” Has time for what, LuAnn? TO STOP EATING LIKE A COW AND DROP THE DAMN WEIGHT? You know that’s what she wanted to say. But of course, she managed to say the exact opposite, uttering something like “She still has room to grow.” Translation: “You better hope and pray you grow to be nine feet tall because girly, you is FAT.”
But of course, this workshop was about confidence, and rather than maybe crush the girl’s dreams by informing her she was plus-sized, LuAnn emphasized that she had “the basics” and that was what was more important. Mmmhmmm. Of course, LuAnn also subtly threw in there that “losing the weight is the easy part.” It was her way of saying “because that’s what you have to do. Lose weight. Lots of it.” The whole interaction was delightfully presumptive, and I loved it.
The best part, however, came towards the end of the segment when LuAnn, high heels and all, attempted to play basketball. She actually got the ball in the hoop, causing her to unleash her inner-WASP and ask (with full Hamptons inflection), “Don’t you just LOVE it?” Yes, LuAnn. Yes we do.
Things I do not love, however, would be Jill’s new apartment. It’s like stepping inside some sort of diamond-studded mermaid habitat. It was more or less awful, made even more so by the horrendous P-O-P tables that Braaaaaad had picked out. When Jill objected to them, he balked that they were hand made from an artist — as if that made up for the fact that they were ugly, garish, and completely impractical (who wants a table with giant holes in the center?) Look, just because something’s handmade doesn’t mean it’s awesome. Anyone who ever saw my sixth grade foray into pottery can vouch for that.
Anyway, onto the photocap…
(thank you for being patient while I attended my Seder. Now, the photocap for reals, yo)

Ramona: “My mother always said you have to have your own tennis matches because you never want to be dependent on someone else’s.”
Jill: “I’ll make sure to bring Aaaaalllly and Bawwwwwbbby. They want to see me play with Pete Saaaaampraaaas.”
Kelly: “I’m up here. Your tennis match is down here.”

“I’m playing basketball with the blacks. Don’t you just love it?” [haughty laugh, head turned away, hand on your shoulder]

“Let me tell you about your apartment: it looks like a Liberace wet dream. Kill me right now, Jill. I wanna die.”

“Okay, let’s show ’em what I got. I’m gonna kick their asses and– Jill, is that handbag the from new Ferragamo Spring collection? It is FAB.”

“Here I am posing for my Skinny Girl brand. I have a new book coming out, you know. Did I mention that yet? It’s called ‘Naturally Thin.’ I’m launching it. Oh, and one more thing: I have a book coming out. Did I just say that? I’m losing my mind — so busy on account of my NEW BOOK COMING OUT. Book book book-book-book. Book book, book book Jill Zarin.”

“I’m gonna donate this shirt to the Boys and Girls Club. I wonder if they have any XXXL sizes. The children are so very fat. Don’t you just love it?”

Bethenny: “I swear to God, LuAnn, if this game doesn’t end soon, I’m gonna stab Jill in the eyeball with a satay skewer.”
LuAnn: “That’s fine. Just don’t do it at the Cancer Society. NEVER at the Cancer Society!”
Alex: “I hope Simon isn’t too pooped to get into the leather harness tonight.”

“This is annoying. I’m annoyed.”

“And on top of that, Alex is sitting over there, and I actually like her, but she always denies everything. She’s a denier. She’s in denial.”

“I just feel like she’s fake. She’s very fake, and I find that annoying. I’m annoyed.”

“I don’t think Jill realizes that I was a buyer for Calvin Klein. She’s needling. She’s a needler.”

“My mother always said you should get your own surprise doubles partner for your opponent because you never want to rely on anyone else’s surprise doubles partner.”

“True Religion.”

“I mean, True Faith.”

“I don’t like that our brand is so easily confused with a much larger, more famous brand. That’s annoying to me. I’m annoyed.”

“This isn’t even fun anymore. Where’s Avery? I need to take her to an Anne Coulter conference anyway.”

What did you think of the episode? Whose tennis team were you rooting for? And did Jill do the right thing?