HILLS RECAP: Spencer Caught; Catfighting Ensues

So The Hills is back, and of course I’d be traveling and busy for the first two episodes, and of course those first two episodes would be super good and restore my faith in a series that seemed to be lagging by the end of last season. And of course because of said traveling and said business, I wouldn’t be ale to recap those episodes, which I apologize for, but if it’s any consolation, I’m here to not only bring you a recap of this week’s episode but also a bonus story about how I met the infamous Stacie The Bartender last night (as well as Marcel from Top Chef). Ah, but you’ll have to read on for that…

I must say that after seeing last week’s double-header, i was fearful that I may have missed out on the best drama of the season, but luckily, Monday’s episode provided plenty of wonderful fodder. We had a super catty cat fight, we had Kelly Cuttrone, and we had no banal drama between Audrina and Justin Bobby (that’s next week. Remind me to chuck my DVR out in advance). Granted, it’s hard to top Spencer’s very real fist fight from last week, but I’ll always take derogatory uses of “whore” over fisticuffs any day.
Anyway, let’s take a look back at what we’ve missed so far: on the first episode, Heidi snuck off to Lauren’s birthday party on a boat (a maritime adventure that Ms. Conrad certainly did NOT appreciate and was most forthright in saying so after the fact), and while the Heidster was afloat on the high seas of Marina Del Rey, Spencer trotted off to local bar The Dime with his new friend / hipster / possible pedophile Charlie. Just his luck that Stephanie’s ex-boyfriend Cameron was in attendance, which certainly did not bode well for Guys Night Out. Sure enough, when Spencer began flirting heavily with the ever receptive bartender Stacie, Cameron immediately texted Stephanie, who was with Heidi on the S. S. Drama.

In a shocking turn of events, Lauren becomes the latest American to be abducted by Somali pirates.

In classic She-Pratt fashion, Steph immediately babbled to Heidi about Spencer’s nefarious ways, causing Heidi to totally freak out and demand to be taken to shore (her request, we are to infer, was denied). Nevertheless, Heidi got on the phone with Spencer and bitched him out for deigning to take shots (albeit sloowwwwww shots) with Stacie, and when Spencer found out that Cameron had totally narc’d him, he got down and dirrrty with his sister’s ex-munchkin. Spencer full-on punched Cameron — not once, not twice, but about five times — while his buddy Charlie just sort of hung out and watched.
The bloodied Cameron then texted Stephanie about his embarrassing plight, and again, Steph told Heidi, and then Heidi cried on Lauren’s shoulder, and the two drunk girls got all mucus-filled and teary and reminisced on how much they missed each other. Lauren expressed frustration with the situation, saying she didn’t feel it was fair to tell Heidi that the man she loved wasn’t very nice, but well, she told her that anyway. More tears were had, and later, Lauren bitched and moaned to Lo and Audrina that there was too much drama on their seafaring vessel and next time, they shouldn’t invite Heidi. kthnxbye.

“I look like a duck! Quack quack.”

“Lauren, my favorite memories are with you! The times I remember are the times with you! AFLAC! AFLAC!!!”

Of course, Aud and Lo denied any such guest-list faux pas. They pointed the finger squarely at Steph, which then led to LC snapping at She-Pratt for trying to get in the middle and forcing Heidi on her. Lauren was right — Stephanie has to stop with the friend meddling (but she clearly won’t). Heidi, meanwhile, tracked down Stacie and asked her what the hell Spencer had been doing in the bar. Stacie acted all disturbed by Spencer’s behavior, saying that what he was doing was super sketch and that she was kind of skeeved out when he encouraged her to dance on the bar top. She of course neglected the part where she volunteered the information that she simply loves dancing and stripping, especially if a certain saccharine-themed Def Leppard song were to come on the radio. Either way, I did love when Stacie railed on Spencer and then told Heidi “So… good luck with that!” (Or did she tell Spencer that in regards to Heidi? I don’t remember). Incensed, Heidi then traipsed back to Crested Butte for some perspective and cocoa, and of course, Darlene couldn’t have been happier. She immediately honed her inner yenta and tried to set Heidi up with her ex-boyfriend / doofus Colby — a big goofy fella who kind of looked like a snowman come to life.

“Yeah, and the other day I built a fort with garbage cans. It was awesome. You want to come see it, Mrs. Montag? It’s sweet.”

Spencer, meanwhile, held a rare summit with Brody, whose psuedo-homeboy drawl has been reaching new poseur levels of late. The Brodester told his sadsack friend (whose hair has gotten unbearably unkept and puffy) to get back out in the clubs and enjoy his life. So that’s what Spencer did. He went back to The Dime and chatted with Stacie, who once again flip-flopped and called Heidi “nuts,” totally ignoring the fact that she had empathized greatly with The Heidster just hours prior. This girl is a piece of work.

“And this was my yearbook pose!”

Spencer then asked her what she was doing the rest of the night, and as is often the case with this show, we were left to fill in the blanks. Did they boink? Who knows. All that’s certain is that Lauren and Brody wound up sharing a couch at the Avalon Hotel where they reveled in the irony that Spencer and Heidi now had no one to turn to but the two people they had burned the most.
Oh, and somewhere in there, Stephanie told Spencer that he sucked, and it was awesome.
Sorry the pre-recap recap isn’t as extensive as normal, but it’s not too bad considering I’m working off of memory alone (and now people can stop emailing me about it. There’s this one girl in particular who’s been bugging me, and quite frankly, she’s driving me nuts. PEOPLE, I’M AWARE WHEN I HAVEN’T WRITTEN A RECAP. PESTERING WILL NOT MAKE IT COME OUT ANY FASTER).
So now let’s move onto this week’s adventures in La-La Land.

The fun started at Casa Speidi, and in case you haven’t noticed, these past three episodes have centered very heavily on Spencer and Heidi. Lauren’s been pushed to the sidelines, and Audrina, well, she’s practically a non-entitity. I imagine this is MTV’s way of perhaps priming us for a post-Conrad/Patridge Hills era. Don’t know if America is ready for a show centered on Speidi though.
Anyway, Stephanie literally walked into the apartment, announcing, “The door was open.” Apparently the front gate was open too and is always open because it seems as though people are constantly surprising Spencer and Heidi by showing up at their door. Worst intercom EVER.
Nevertheless, Steph, who was wearing a silly hat, was immediately met with a sarcastic quip from Spencer: “Did you leave your train out front that matches taht hat?” You know, I respect where he was going with the joke because I too was contemplating making some sort of Steph-is-wearing-a-dumb-hat comment, but his execution truly left something to be desired. I mean, who leaves a train out front? And since when do trains match hats? Maybe I would have gone for “Oh, did you just get off work at Amtrack?” or maybe “Hey, Reading Railroad called. They say you’re late for work.” (Bonus points for a Monopoly ref). It’s a work in progress.

“What? You think B&O Railroad runs itself??”

Point is, Spencer is bad with zingers, but we knew that. Stephanie informed him that Heidi had run into Colby — the Golden Boy of Crested Butte (seriously, I think Darlene has glued his face to her vibrator at this point. Sorry, I had to go there). Spencer seemed unhappy with this news, but it’s not like he’s terribly innocent. Steph asked if he’d seen The Bartender again, and he dismissed the question, saying it was none of her business (clearly he forgets that it IS her business because everything he does gets broadcast to all of America — including Steph). Nevertheless, Spencer revealed his intention to go out to clubs more, causing lil’ sister to warn him that he should be on his best behavior. Probably not gonna happen.
We then cut to the opening credits, which no longer feature Whitney but do feature Brody in a non-credited role. Poor Lo, meanwhile, still hasn’t earned a spot as a non-sidekick member of the cast, and so she continues to toil about as merely a featured player, just as she’d always been for all these years (off topic: what the hell happened to Jen Bunney?).
Anyway, we soon found ourselves at People’s Revolution where our favorite Wicked Witch of the Power Bitch World, Kelly Cutrone, was back for more haranguing. She summoned LC to her lair and promptly complimented her appearance. “That’s a nice shirt,” she said, adding, “YOU’RE FIRED.” Okay, she didn’t say that, but you gotta admit — it seemed like the next logical comment. Kelly’s the type of person who always seems like she’s gonna absolutely skewer you just nanoseconds after serving you up a compliment.
In this case, however, she merely settled for what could be interpreted as a passive-aggressive dig. “It’s pretty,” she noted, referring to the shirt. “It’s nice. It’s very twenties.” Was she praising Lauren’s age-appropriate wardrobe? Or merely bashing her immaturity? Probably both. Anyway, Kelly wanted a new intern to fill the Whitney gap (wasn’t Whitney a paid employee?), but she warned LC that she should be careful who she refers for the job. We could see exactly where this was going (the previews helped too). Sure enough, we then cut to Lauren and Steph walking into a desolate restaurant, with Stephanie cooing “Good spot” triumphantly as they sat down at a table. Well, of course you got the good spot. You guys are the only ones in there. (Plus you’re with MTV, but let’s just try to keep that fourth wall up for now, mmkay?)
Anyway, Lauren announced that she was hungry, causing Steph to muse on how they always feel like they have to stay in shape living in LA. “That’s what baggy shirts are for,” Lauren chirped. Someone should deliver this news to Lil Rounds. Just sayin’ (she’s got an epic booty back there). Nevertheless, if we see Lauren waltzing around the show in a burlap sack, we’ll know something went seriously wrong with her diet regimen.
Well, Stephanie revealed that she wanted to leave her present internship and maybe go work for People’s Revolution, thus making that the 467th thing she’s copied from Lauren. Being the good / naive friend that she is though, Lauren agreed to refer Steph to Kelly, causing Stephanie to say, “Now I’m, like, nervous about getting a new job! I’m just kidding. I’m not getting ahead of myself.” She then added, “But seriously, when do I start?”
Meanwhile, over at Speidi’s apartment, Heidi had returned from her Colorado sojourn, and while she seemed cheerful at first, things went sour quickly. Spencer immediately made her feel like garbage by harping on the fact that she didn’t call to announce her return, and then he accused her of being a hypocrite for hanging out with Colby in Crested Butte (or as I call it, CresButt). Of course, anyone with three brain cells would know that a) this was his tactic to shift attention off of his wrongdoings, and b) the Colby situation was way different (and more benign) than the Stacie situation.
Sure enough, Heidi said just that, noting that doing shots with a bartender is different than an old friend popping up to say hello at a restaurant. “You act like taking shots is kissing someone!” Spencer whined, oversimplifying the entire scenario in the process.
Oddly enough, Heidi claimed she didn’t know Spencer had “this side” to him, which was kind of bullshit because we all remember season two when Spencer spent three-quarters of his time spitting game at other girls (and Audrina) at the clubs.
Nevertheless, after Heidi said she didn’t know Spencer had a doing-shots-with-bartenders side, Spencer responded by saying he didn’t realize that Heidi had a side where she visits her mom and has dinner with ex-boyfriends. Again, not a great zinger. And also greatly lacking in logic. He didn’t realize that Heidi had a side where she dines with her mother? Is that even a “side”? It’s like saying, “I didn’t know you have a side where you go to the bathroom. AND DO #2!!”
Eventually, Spencer told the Heidster that “you left for three days, and I was like ‘Hey, this is three days without fighting. This is refreshing.” Way to be a jackass, you jackass. Not the best way to win back a girl. Then again, if the girl has shit for brains and responds well to verbal and mental abuse, then yeah, it is the best way to win back a girl.
Heidi then asked Spencer if he had seen Stacie while she was gone, and he immediately deflected, asking “Are you really asking this question?”
“Yeah, I am,” she responded. I half expected Spencer to then ask, “But are you really?” To which Heidi would say, “Yeah, I’m really asking it.”
“But are you reeeeeally?”
So on and so forth.
But instead, Spencer lied and said no, he had not seen Stacie. Ah yes. The guy who had accused Heidi of being a hypocrite was now lying about hanging out with an unapproved social partner. Are we seeing the irony? Or are we too frustrated to enjoy this?
After the commercial, we returned to People’s Revolution where Steph had arrived for her interview. There was some whispering between her and Lauren, and eventually, she went upstairs to deal with fashion’s most intimidating scarecrow. Needless to say, what ensued significantly challenged Heidi’s legendary FIDM interview as one of the most embarrassing and awful professional screening processes in Hills lore.
As soon as Stephanie took a seat, she looked like she had lost the interview. She was a nervous mess, causing Kelly to simply glare at her with an expression that seemed to say, “Who is this bitch?”

“Okay, so, it says here that you once worked in the Lollipop Guild when you were in fifth grade. You’re aware you were in a musical, right?”

Steph admitted that she was nervous as hell and then handed over her resume, which had been curiously packaged in an open envelope. It was odd / idiotic.
Of course, Kelly probably didn’t mind, mostly on account of the fact that she admitted she didn’t even read resumes. Great, Kelly. And you wonder how you wind up with wastes of space like your dearly departed JESSICA.
Anyway, Stephanie then announced randomly that “My final objective in life is to have a handbag line.” Uh, okay. I appreciate that Steph was trying to give context to her job search, but it sounded naive, silly, and dumb. Besides, whose final objective is to have a handbag line? I’d go more for “happiness” or “health” or “a comfortable future.”
Well, Steph then noted that she wanted to work at People’s Revolution because they rep a bunch of great designers, and furthermore, “The PR that you guys do is really awesome.” Oh gosh. Just end this interview now. I’m shocked Kelly didn’t chuck her out the nearest window right then and there.

“I miss Jessica.”

Instead, Kelly busted Steph’s balls a bit, asking her if the intention was to use Kelly’s knowledge and clients’s knowledge and then go off and make her own separate handbag line. Truth be told, the answer should have been yes, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s all about learning. Kelly just phrased it in a way that made learning sound obnoxious and opportunist. Anyway, because Steph is kind of dumb, she backpedaled and said that she didn’t want to launch her handbag line for another decade. (That sound you heard was probably me covering my eyes in shame.) What in the world did she plan to do for the next ten years? Play tic-tac-toe? Gnaw on hard candy? Lie in a catatonic state with occasional interruptions to inflate her lips?
Kelly, of course, laughed at this, saying, “You should be able to move quicker than that, honey.” Please stop this interview. It’s just too awful. Wait, wait. Keep it going. It’s just too awful.
Sensing that Stephanie had a bad case of My First Interview, Kelly then explained to Steph that she didn’t really care about life goals. Her needs were a bit less lofty. “Do you know how to use a computer?” she asked, adding, “Because so far you’ve seemed like a gigantic idiot.” Okay, she didn’t say that last part, but it was heavily implied in the her eyes. And rightly so. When Kelly then asked Steph if she knew how to print labels, She-Pratt just stared blankly and replied, “Print labels?” Look, you idiot, it’s not like she asked you to recite the Quadratic Equation. We’re talking labels. You know, the sticky things that go on other things.
*For the record, I will state that label printing can be oddly tricky, BUT computers have come a long way, and the process isn’t as awful as it used to be, and even more so, in an interview situation, you either say “Yes” (and then go home and learn very quickly) or say “I’m a bit rusty, but I’ll catch up to speed tonight” or something like that.
Just when the interview couldn’t possibly get any worse, Kelly then asked Steph if she spoke French. “Oui,” Steph replied like the itinerant Parisian that she is. Unfortunately, “oui” seemed to be the only word in her limited French vocabulary. Kelly immediately rattled off a lengthy comment en français (bad accent to boot. She’s certainly no Lisa Love), and Stephanie just sat there stupefied. Comment dit-on “DUMBASS?”
At this point, we saw something very rare from Kelly: pity. She let out an incredulous laugh that seemed to say “Who is this poor, poor girl? And why has no one educated her about anything?” I’m sure in under normal circumstances, Kelly would never have humored She-Pratt’s existence so long, but this is The Hills after all — a place where reality sometimes goes out the window faster than you can say “fat collagen lips.” Kelly leveled a steady gaze at Steph and told her that if she were to work at the company, it was a no-cry zone. There was to be no nervousness whatsoever — which seemed perfect seeing as how DEATHLY NERVOUS STEPHANIE WAS. Not sensing this will be a great match.
Regardless, Steph said she wanted a strict environment. She needed to grow a backbone and was ready to do so. “Not by this resume,” Kelly muttered. She had a point. This is what Steph’s resume looked like:

Anyway, we soon found ourselves over in Spencer’s car where his douchebag friend Charlie was riding bitch and dancing like one too. Yeah, he was seat-dancing, which in Charlie’s case meant holding his fists up like a fighter and swiveling from side to side. Odds of him being high on cocaine? I’d say 3-2. Nevertheless, the guys were off for a Douches Night Out, prompting Charlie to warn Spencer not to slip up. Spence said he never slips up (wrong — as evidenced by episodes 1 & 2 of this season), and Charlie replied with an odd “you trip, you slip, you flip.” Kind of sounded like a forgotten rap dance song of the mid ’90s. But then again, I might just have “Da Dip” on my mind.
While the lawfirm of Douche & Douche sped off to da club, we found Stephanie and Heidi eating sushi in… Glendale? To quote Headmistress Harbord of Hedsor Hall, “How SIMPLY awwwwwful!!!!” Anyway, the gals talked about Spencer and how this Charlie character was a bad influence (exhibit A: the mustache; exhibit B: the general douchiness). The girls knew the guys were going out, and soon they hatched a plan to bust them because surely they’d be up to no good. But where should they go? Where would Spencer be? How about h.wood, the new hot bar in Hollywood?
Funny that they should choose that bar because at that very moment, Spencer was there with none other than Stacie the Bartender. Yes, the same Stacie who Spencer had sworn he hadn’t hung out with. The same Stacie who acted all grossed out by him. The same Stacie who was now hoping that “Pour Some Sugar On Me” would play at the club so she could indulge her inner stripper. Yes, that Stacie. Clearly this would not end well.
Anyway, Spencer gave h.wood his seal of approval, saying it was very chill and “like my living room without the headache.” Ouch. You know, comments like that to strangers (not to mention possible mistresses) should be enough to get him dumped. Nevertheless, Stacie then bashed Heidi, sarcastically toasting to Spencer’s “great girlfriend-wife.” This girl was absolutely ridiculous. The way she played both sides of the situation was fairly reprehensible.
Luckily, she was about to get hers as Heidi and Steph walked in the club and made an immediate beeline for Spencer. “Everyone just stay calm, stay calm,” he said, clearly knowing that danger was afoot. Sure enough, Heidi started off the discourse with an appropriately direct question: “What the FUCK are you doing?”
Spencer was so busted he couldn’t even try to turn it around on Heidi, saying it was somehow her fault because she didn’t want to go out with him. Instead, it was Charlie who did his bidding, rising to his feet like a good sidekick and defending his Master. The dickwad told Heidi to chill the hell out, which I imagine is not easy for a woman when a man has gotten to his feet and adopted a threatening stance. Either way, Stephanie snapped back with a bizarre yet satisfying attack: “Charlie, seriously sit down. You’re the worst influence EVER!”
Steph then went on a roll, unleashing her inner-catfighter for the first time since she confronted Lauren at Opera many moons ago. “She’s obviously a slut,” she said, referring to Stacie, who couldn’t believe her ears.
“You’re a homewrecker!” Stephanie then barked, which amused me because that’s what I had called her Tuesday night before I had even seen the episode. Don’t worry, though. I didn’t say it to Stacie’s face. And I was being more tongue-in-cheek.
Anyway, Stephanie continued to go for the playground kill: “Do you have pants? Do you own pants in your closet?” I particularly liked this insult because it really made no sense. I wasn’t aware that girls weren’t allowed to wear dresses anymore, and coming from the Heidi camp, which is famous for it’s slutty inseems, I enjoyed the hypocrisy of this. But it was all good because it made for a scintillating cat-fight.
Well, unlike her plans for Spencer, Stacie wasn’t about to take this lying down. “You look like a dog!” she snapped (good one!). “You’re wearing fur!!!” We’ll just overlook the small detail that dogs are more hairy than furry and give Stace an A for Effort. Not a lot of luck this season with the put-downs — first the train thing, then the pants comment, and now the fur gambit. These kids need to really bone up on their verbal attacks.
Anyway, Stephanie was undeterred by the accusations of canine likeness. She shot back with a simple and satisfying “They’re such whores.” Can’t argue with that.
“Excuse my sister,” Spencer said. “She’s not housebroken.” Ouch. That was pretty good. But then again, it didn’t totally make sense. It’s not like Steph just took a shit right in front of them. I appreciated the vitriol though.
Finally, Heidi stepped in an announced, “I want nothing to do with you!” It was great to see her finally say it. Unfortunately, we knew the words were hollow (as evidenced by the duo’s dumb, staged paparazzi photos that pop up every week).
Well, after the commercial break, Heidi and Steph recapped the previous night, with The Heidester complaining that Spencer was blaming everything on her. SO LEAVE HIM, YOU IDIOT. Of course, that wasn’t about to happen; so Steph recommended the next possible alternative. No, not murder but therapy. She-Pratt suggested that Heidi give him an ultimatum: go to therapy or it’s over. Huh. Since when did Steph have good ideas?
Nevertheless, this caused Heidi to ponder “How many chances do you get?” Clearly as many as you want when you date a doormat like Heidi.
We then cut to a shot of some girl’s ass on the sidewalk, and soon we came upon Lauren at People’s Revolution. Oh yeah. Forgot she was in the show. Clearly she’s being de-emphasized. Kelly ambled up to her and summed up her interview with Stephanie very simply: “I was trying to be nice about it and not laugh in her face.” Yeah, too bad you did anyway (and thank you for that, btw).
Kelly then wondered out loud why a girl who was interested in starting a handbag line would want to interview at a PR company (might want to ask the same of burgeoning fashionista Lauren). LC defended Stef, saying that she probably misunderstood a question or something — although, I’m not sure that’s such a great selling point either. Would you want to hire someone who misunderstood such a simple thing? Probably not.
Or you could be like Kelly and roll the dice. She said that because the interview was such a folly, she wanted to hire Steph because maybe she might turn out to be genius. No, it doesn’t work that way. Trust me.
Ah — but there was a catch to all this madness. If Steph proved to be a total disaster (as she most certainly will be), Lauren would have to fire her herself. Haha — EVIL! “You might want to kiss her on the cheek,” Kelly warned, “but I’d put a gun to her back and make her stand up straight.” Ouch! That’s what you call fear in the power bitch world! Side note: why do I love Kelly now?

“Just so you know, I’m about to die.”

We then headed over to 3rd Street where a fuzzy and forlorn Spencer sat alone at a table. Heidi soon joined him, and the two engaged in their favorite pastime: circular conversations.
“How are you?” Spencer asked.
“How do you think I’m doing?” Heidi replied. OH GOD. Please stop. Thankfully, the stream of questions did not last ten minutes as usual. Instead, Heidi got right to business and told Spencer she wanted them to go to therapy, and unsurprisingly, he balked at the idea. Instead, he merely shrugged off the entire situation, saying that he was tired of the drama, but of course, we all know that people who endlessly talk about being so over drama are usually the ones at the epicenter of it.
Well, Heidi and Spencer started bickering over Stacie again, and eventually, the Heidster grew a pair and full-on schooled Spencer with a lecture that was so strong and authoritative that I had a hard time believing it was coming out of her mouth.
“The fact that you’re sitting here and not apologizing to me and don’t even see what you’re doing is so crazy to me that I can’t even look at you right now. I don’t want to look at you. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to be near you. So if you care about me and you want to be in this relationship, get your stuff together and go to the therapist or else get out of my life because I’m done with this!”
FINALLY.
This tirade was then amusingly followed by a meek waiter approaching the table and asking “Hey guys, would you like something else?” It was awkward. I actually tend to think the waiter arrived later in the meal, but I appreciated the editing nonetheless.
Anyway, I’m glad to see a stronger, more defiant Heidi — kind of like what we saw occasionally in season one — but she’s still an idiot for even entertaining Spencer as a boyfriend. Looks like they’ll be heading to the shrink next week.
What do you think about the situation? And how are you liking the season so far? Oh, and as for that story, I lied. I’m too spent to write it now. Besides, I’m waiting to get the photos from my friend.