Well, it’s Thursday night, and entirely too many days have gone by since The Hills for there not to be a peep from me on this site. Truth is I only got around to watching it this evening, and because I’ve been busy of late (I know, I know — broken record), I don’t have time to write out a full recap — which apparently will please some of you with short attention spans (cough, Jash, cough, IndianJones). But that’s okay. We all win this way: I don’t have to exert as much energy, and neither do you. Not sure if this is gonna be the permanent format of Hills recaps going forward, but we’ll see how it goes. Feel free to voice your opinions.
Nevertheless, this isn’t about me. It’s about Lauren and Heidi and Stephanie and Spencer and Dr. Jordana Mansbacher and crackers. Yes, we had all those things and more on another hilarious episode of a resurgent fifth season. Suddenly I’m finding myself excited about The Hills again, and I couldn’t be happier.


I knew we’d be in for a treat this episode when the show opened on Kelly Cutrone yelling at Stephanie, whose burgeoning internship has revealed questionable, if not entirely predictable lapses in work ethic and diligence. First we learned that Steph had left her trash — or at least a coffee cup — in some extremely prohibited area of the office (specifically, the altar at which Kelly sacrifices an intern every new moon in order to maintain the immortal life she has clutched to for the past four hundred years). Even more offensive, however, was news that Stephanie had apparently eaten crackers over a pile of clothes that was due to be shipped off later that day. This raised many questions, and chief among them: who eats crackers anymore? I mean, yeah, they’re great with cheese at formal functions (or whilst getting drunk and watching crappy TV), but at work? As a snack? I mean, that’s just bizarre. And then to eat them over a dress to be sent to a client? And then pack said crumb-laden dress in a box to be shipped without brushing off the crumbs? I mean, she might as well have just rubbed the damn garment over her vagina at that point. I’m sorry — that was crude, but I think it illustrates my point.
Then again, this is Stephanie Pratt we’re dealing with. She’s not known for playing with a full deck of cards — or a fresh box of Saltines, as it were. Who knows why she opted to cram her mouth full of Cheez-Its or Triscuits or Ritz Crackers. All we do know is that she clearly was hungry, and probably terrorized the office for a good twenty-five minutes with cracker breath (you know what I’m talking about: that mealy yet dry flavor that comes after a particularly lengthy bout with the Goldfish bag. Yeah, it’s bad).
Anyway, Stephanie certainly proved herself to be a liability for not just People’s Revolution (and their crumb-free reputation) but also Lauren, whose neck is most certainly on the line in this situation. Steph seemed utterly incapable of doing the simplest tasks, such as logging various items into a database or listening to instructions without impulsively doodling on the nearest surface. Watching Lauren attempt to educate her Padawan was both an exercise in futility and a pure joy. I mean, this was total comic relief. I didn’t even know what they were talking about half the time — something about a bin being half-full and then full and then half full again — but I got the gist of it: Steph had slacked on her responsibilities and had now caused mild chaos at the People’s Revolution. As bad as this was, however, it was nothing compared to her phone skills, which I think we can say were about as nonexistent as a full cracker tray at a Pratt family function.
Let me set the stage: Stephanie’s phone rang. And rang. And rang. Most people who are familiar with the complexities of telecommunications recognize this as an alert system of sorts — a way for users to know when someone is actually trying to make contact with them. Stephanie, however, seemed perplexed by this process, and as such, she blocked it out entirely, refusing to answer the phone — or as she calls it, “The Ringing Thing That Doesn’t Give Me Crackers.” Lauren, understandably, got all googly-eyed before imploring Steph to pick up the damn phone. Somehow She-Pratt managed to do this, and I immediately braced for some awful mangling of a greeting (“This is People’s, uh, uh, Revolver? No. Solution. Revolution. The People want a revolution. No, I mean. Wait. Spencer? No. I’m sorry. I’m new. Have you tried the new Carrs Table Water Crackers? They’re very good.”). To Stephanie’s credit, she did succeed in saying “People’s Revolution,” which was swell, but then she promptly hung up the phone for no apparent reason — which was not so swell.
“I think I just hung up on somebody,” she then said. Yup. That’s usually what happens when you, uh, hang up on somebody. Needless to say, I think we’ll be seeing the inevitable Lauren-fires-Stephanie scene sooner rather than later.
As for Lauren, she really didn’t do much this episode. Aside from bulging her eyes out at Stephanie’s idiocy, the only other thing she did was, well, bulge her eyes out at Audrina’s suggestiveness. Yes, late in the show, Audrina got a little too wrapped up describing Brody, saying the he was just so handsome and nice and sweet and attractive. I’m shocked she didn’t up and announce, “I just want to FUCK him!” Of course, she didn’t really have to say it. We could all tell her veneers were shimmering with horny excitement just thinking about him. Luckily for her, the girls will all be meeting up with Brody on next week’s show when they crash his Bros-only vacay in Hawaii. It seems like a pretty obnoxious move to barge in on the plans, if you ask me. Brody made it blatantly clear that he and the brosephs want some bro time alone in Bro-waii to hang ten and bro the waves on their bro boards, but now that plan looked to be going to shit quickly as the girls decided they TOO wanted to go to Hawaii. So much for guy time. I’d honestly be pissed if I were Brody, but then again, I’m sure he’ll be delighted to have such a golden opportunity to whine. Nevertheless, the ladies should have respected his wishes. It was bad enough that they asked him why they weren’t invited (rude). Now they gotta harsh everyone’s buzz? Anti-groovy, dude.
On the plus side, I’m sure the unexpected arrival of Lo, Lauren, and Audrina will do nothing short of pissing off Brody’s new girlfriend, Jayde (pronounced “Jade” by her, “Jay-DEH” by me). We can tell she’s gonna be trouble, especially because she didn’t even know who the hell Audrina was. C’mon, lady. If you’re gonna date a guy on a TV show and then appear on said TV show, do your homework and find out who the principals are. Needless to say, JayDEH seemed very unhappy that The Brodester was even chatting with Audrina. Too bad her face is too pumped full of Botox to be able to register a hostile expression — or any expression, for that matter. Poor girl looks to be just barely legal, and yet she’s already in a frantic state of aesthetic self-preservation. The best way to describe her is Liv Tyler meets Heidi Montag (and no, that’s not a compliment).
Luckily for Jayde, Audrina wasn’t totally monopolizing Brody at da club because she was mostly busy with Justin Bobby. Yes, the Greasy One made his triumphant season five return as he popped up both at Coco De Ville and Apple — two very hot and very trendy clubs in LA right now. Considering that Justin Bobby likes to think of himself as something of a biker-hipster-artist-counterculture sort of guy, it’s amusing to me that he keeps surfacing at these epicenters of Hollywood superficiality. Not saying it’s bad to go to these clubs, but they seem to stand for everything that Justin Bobby purports to being against (exclusivity, airs, pretension). And yet, there he is, happily schmoozing with the glitteratti without a care in the world. Ah, the joys of hypocrisy. Then again, do we expect anything else from him? No. (To be fair, I recognize that J-Bobbs may have shown up at these clubs solely at the producers’ urgings. Still… still…)
Anyway, Justin Bobby continued to be his annoying, slimy self (both literally and figuratively). He tried to get all philosophical, saying how our time on this Earth is only thiiiis long (cut to him holding his index finger and thumb ever so closely together), but this only elicited rolled eyes from Audrina — and America. If our time on Earth is so short, why the hell are we wasting it with this guy? Nevertheless, Audrina told Justin Bobby that he didn’t make her feel special and that he always played mind games, saying that whenever she confronts him about it, he turns it around on her and makes her feel crazy.
“But you are crazy,” Justin Bobby said. YOU ASSHOLE. YOU JUST TURNED IT AROUND. AGAIN.
Thankfully, Stephanie once again served as the unlikely voice of reason, telling Audrina to stop talking to Justin because she was getting sucked in all over again. And you know what? Aud seemed to actually listen this time. Thank God.
Meanwhile, in the other major storyline of the week, Heidi finally convinced Spencer to go to therapy with her. This came only after they had one of their patented discussions in the alley behind Heidi’s offices. I was somewhat amused watching the two sit down in Spencer’s car as if it were some private meeting place when in fact it was just a car. They didn’t even roll up their windows for a semblance of privacy. Why bother getting into the car? Why not discuss their relationship in the open air and sunlight? This made no sense to me.
Well, as you can imagine, Spencer was rude and dismissive of everything Heidi said, telling her obnoxiously at one point to drop the attitude (a request that might have been received more kindly had Spencer himself not imbued significant amounts of attitude into his voice). Eventually, Spence succumbed to Heidi’s wishes, and the two went off to visit THE OFFICE OF DR. JORDANA MANSBACHER — a location that simply demands usage of the Caps Lock key.
At the OFFICE OF DR. JORDANA MANSBACHER, the duo met the one and only DR. JORDANA MANSBACHER, who sat them down and had them share their feelings. Spencer said he felt like he was stuck in a nightmare, Heidi complained that he was shut-out emotionally, and DR. JORDANA MANSBACHER sighed and told the duo that they were acting like they were in high school. Great. I’m sure that’s what every couple wants to hear: snarky judgment (albeit true snarky judgment). Heidi finally admitted that she felt Spencer had been checked out mentally and emotionally from their relationship for quite some time now, prompting DR. JORDANA MANSBACHER to question why the hell the two were dating in the first place.
Huminah huminah huminah. Neither of them had an answer, and before we knew it, the show was over. I personally loved watching Speidi in therapy, if only because there was an adult present who seemed capable of both putting Spencer down and potentially reducing him to tears (childhood scars! Yay!). I want to see more!
We probably won’t see more, however, and clearly we know things turn out well for Speidi because as I write this, the gossip blogs and tabloids are all atwitter about the two lovebirds preparing for some ridiculous wedding that may or may not be happening very shortly. Kind of takes the guesswork out of the future of these two nimrods.
Anyway, onto the photocap…


“Man, if I could, I would TOTALLY have an on-again, off-again relationship with Brody that would last for three seasons and annoy everyone…'”


“It’s like, our time here on this Earth is so short, why even bother showering, you know? Taste the rainbow. Smell the ‘pit.”


Brody: “You know where I’m going next week? Take a wild guess.”
Justin Bobby: “Kauai?”
Brody: “How did you know? Do I have it written on my forehead or something?”


“I’m so excited to move on from Justin Bobby and not be dating him anymore!!!”
“So it’s over?”
“No, we’re still dating.”


“Here’s the problem I have with Heidi: she’s an idiot. And I’m an idiot too. And as a result, we’re just two idiots, and we can’t stop being idiotic together.”


“Okay, here’s an idea: next time you want to eat Wheat Thins, take it outside. AND DON’T COME BACK!!!”


“Wait, what about Keebler Club crackers? They’re very classy.”


“Steph, please tell me you didn’t just staple your hair to that couture gown…”


“Have you heard of this Susan Boyle character?”


“No. Who’s that? Your new girl on the side? Huh? HUH?”


“Do you ever notice how the light always just catches Brody’s eyes? They’re so beautiful that I just want to pull down his pants and BLOW him!”


“Step off, bitch. Step off.”

What did you think about the episode?