AMAZING RACE RECAP: Foot Massages and Water Sports

Anyone who blocked out a few hours of time last night to watch The Amazing Race and The Celebrity Apprentice were thoroughly rewarded with a boatload of drama, comedy, and generally fun times. Plus, we got two cliffhangers that both made me want to go run screaming through the streets had I not already locked myself into a hermetically sealed-cocoon to stave off swine flu. Oh, it was fun television last night, and in the end, it can really be attributed back to an epic meltdown on the Apprentice and a hilarious foot massage on The Amazing Race.
But let’s table The Apprentice for just a second (if that’s EVEN possible) and talk about the Race. Continuing onwards through China, teams headed to Beijing where they encountered a brutal foot massage that may or may not have been administered to Mao Zedong’s political foes. Surely this was a technique that Jack Bauer would do well to learn…

You’d think a foot massage would be the height of relaxation, but from the looks of it, the comely young Chinese masseuses seemed to have been possessed by Satan’s army. Yes, they dug into the racers’ soles with the sort of intensity reserved for coal mining… BY HAND. In other words, it was painful for the racers and awesome for us. Watching one of the redheads (whose names I still don’t know) languish in her chair was just about as funny and fulfilling as it gets. Kisha, meanwhile, had to bite down on her hat as if she were getting a leg amputated in the Civil War. These people were being entirely too dramatic. I actually rubbed my foot in unison to see just how painful a foot massage could really be. I didn’t succeed in hurting myself — which led me to conclude the racers were pussies — but I did hit a few tender areas, and after further thought, I can see how maybe ten minutes of rigorous kneading could render me a bit teary-eyed. In other news, I found myself immensely relaxed by the time we reached the commercial break.
The point of the story, however, was that I loved watching everyone squirm and yell and cry. It was simply hilarious. Plus, with the growing tension between Luke & Margie and Jen & Kisha, the comic relief was much appreciated. By the way, if there was any question as to which team the producers were pulling for during last week’s epic fight, all doubts were erased this episode as we saw Jen and Kisha acting like total jerks. They committed the classic Amazing Race sin: making fun of foreigners without realizing that it was they who were the foreigners in a foreign land. Yes, Jen and Kisha bemoaned the fact that no one in CHINA seemed to speak English — which makes about as much sense as someone from China coming to the U.S. and complaining that no one speaks Mandarin. I think the word “boor” came to mind last night. Even worse, the two sisters then mocked the locals, saying they just gave a stupid, blank expression anytime they were asked a question. And what, pray tell, should they look like if they don’t understand English? I think dumbfounded is an appropriate response. If anything, it’s more polite than the mocking eye-rolls I’m sure Kisha and Jen would employ should the situation ever be reversed.
However, after acting fairly horrendously through the first half of the episode, Kisha and Jen won Sister points on the second half when the two struggled with a nautical-themed Detour. Teams had the option of either attempting a synchronized dive or swimming 400 meters in a high tech Michael Phelps swimsuit (and incidentally, when the redheads announced they weren’t going to change out of the swimsuits and just bolt to the Pit Stop, I did a mighty chuckle. Those things cost hundreds of dollars. Like hell you’ll just run off with them). Anyway, most everyone opted for the latter option, and the producers amusingly compared their times with Phelps’s winning pace (a green line representing the gold medal winner zipped out and across the screen so quickly, I almost thought it was a strange technical problem with my television). Jen and Kisha tried to dive first, as they felt that swimming would be too much for them (Kisha was a bad swimmer, Jen had a terrifying fear of water), but they very quickly abandoned the spring boards as the activity proved to be too difficult and scary for the sisters. As for the other sisters, Tammy and Victor, they spent what seemed like an hour trying to dive into the pool together, and quite honestly, I didn’t understand what the hell their problem was. There didn’t seem to be any effort whatsoever to coordinate. They didn’t do a countdown, they didn’t communicate, and they didn’t even leave the board simultaneously half the time. They were a total mess.
Meanwhile, Jen and Kisha struggled with the Phelps challenge. Kisha swam the first 100 meters, and by “swam,” I mean she she straddled the pool divider awkwardly. This absolutely overwhelmed Jen, who had a total breakdown. She curled up in a ball and began crying, saying she just wanted to give up and go home. Kisha gave her a pep talk and everything, and eventually, the two girls wound up returning to the pool to finish their 400 meters (I think they may have attempted the diving again — or that may have happened before the breakdown. Hard to remember. It was all sort of a blur). Anyway, Jen put on a little flotation device, and in a sweet move, Kisha strapped one on too, just to show solidarity with her sister. It was a nice sentiment; although, I couldn’t help feeling like Kisha probably needed it more. For all her tremors and tears, Jen seemed to be just fine. Kisha looked like the worse swimmer. Ah, the cruel ironies of The Amazing Race.
So with Jen and Kisha lagging so far behind, they clearly got eliminated from the show, right? Nope. Instead, Jaime and Cara (that’s their names, right?) sprinted to the Pit Stop all excited to nab their first First Place, but when they got to Phil, he announced that this was not a check-in — they were still racing. HA HA! Suck it, cheerleaders. I swear, those girls looked like they wanted to strangle Phil. And just like that, CBS flashed the ol’ “To Be Continued” screen, causing me to promptly gasp in horror and excitement. Unlike many others, I don’t feel ripped off when such things happen (I like anything that prolongs the season), but I did feel a twinge of disappointment in having to wait a whole week to see Jaime and Cara bitch about their rotten luck.
The good news is that the Jen & Kisha and Margie & Luke rivalry will continue to fester for another week. It already was pretty nasty this episode, with various bitter comments said in hushed tones at the airport (not to mention a particularly impressive collision between Luke and one of the girls). Their mutual hatred for each other certainly injected this episode with an underlying current of tension, which only served to augment the action.
What did you think about the episode? Fun times? Pissed by the cliffhanger or did that just pump you up for more?