Turning a Blind Eye Towards Favoritism on 'Idol?'

Well, the final twelve semifinalists finally took the stage of American Idol last night, and the results were — like every week — mixed. Pretty much all the guys were okay at best (mostly forgettable though), but the girls were fairly strong. In fact, I’d be hard pressed to say who will actually move forward tonight. A near shoo-in would have to be show closer Lil Rounds, who we quickly learned had a few lil’ rounds of her own in the posterior region. Thanks to a sweeping camera that caught all the angles of all the singers, we discovered quite the bootay on Lil. I’m sure all the butt-men in the audience were quite thrilled (I’m looking at you, Reggie Bush — wherever you are). The good news for Lil was that she could sing, and sing she did. She belted out a Mary J. Blige song expertly in her little bumblebee dress, and the judges absolutely adored her. I believe Simon used the word “Brilliant.” I wish I could provide more insight, but alas, amongst my friends Jash and Sly, there was too much snickering going on regarding the aforementioned badunkadunk. Oops.

Also faring very well were Kristen McNamara and Felicia Barton, the latter of whom was called up to replace disqualified Joanna Pacitti. Felicia was certainly out to make the most of her second chance, and I thought she did a great job overall (give or take a few missed high notes). First of all, she chose a current song, and even though I detest when singers gets up there and sing bland Alicia Keys songs, “No One” is one of the singer’s better and more pop-friendly tunes, unlike the dismal “If I Ain’t Got You,” which gets butchered multiple times every season on Idol. Case in point: Taylor Vaifanua, who managed the song decently but was accurately accused by the judges of being boring. Well, that’s what happens when you sing a boring song. Don’t these people watch the show? If you don’t want to be called forgettable, don’t sing that song.
Nevertheless, back to Felicia — I liked her quite a bit, and I was a bit surprised that the judges weren’t a bit more ecstatic. They liked her, but they faulted her for trying to do too much. I thought it was fine. Then again, the judges were kind of weird in their criticisms, I felt. They were unfairly harsh on Kristen McNamara who did a great job with the normally sleepy Tracy Chapman song “Give Me One Reason.” Kristen sounded excellent, she worked the stage naturally, and she certainly injected some life into the telecast. And yet, the judges accused her of choosing a weird song and then spent the rest of the time fixating on her image, which admittedly is a bit off. Still, she deserved way more accolades than she received. The general consensus amongst my viewing group was that she was one of the best of the night, if not the best.
I had to admit also that I was somewhat impressed with Kendall Beard. I’m not a country fan by any means as I tend to think these days it sounds just like soft rock, but I know it has ardent followers, and for what it was, Kendall’s performance sounded pretty good to me. I thought she did a surprisingly nice job. Not great or anything, but definitely above average. The judges faulted her for song choice too, which puzzled me slightly, and they also accused her of hitting some wrong notes. I didn’t hear any bad notes, but then again, I tend to just ascribe anything off-sounding to just the trappings of the genre. I am a snob, after all.
Then we had Arianna Afsar — or Officer Arianna, as we called her (Afsar to Officer to Officer Arianna — we make dumb jokes). Anyway, she was horrendous. Not as horrendous as some of the stinkers of the last two weeks, but definitely the very worst of the night. Arianna tackled the first ever Abba song to be sung on Idol, and I think it’s safe to say the Swedish supergroup will be immediately rescinding the rights to all songs down the line. How is it that of all the Abba songs to debut on Idol, Arianna chose a) a ballad, and b) a not very famous ballad at that. “Mamma Mia?” “Take A Chance On Me?” “SOS?” ANYTHING but that.
Anyway, she was terrible and looked like she was going to cry, and I think we can assume her Idol run is over, which is good because I always thought she was too precious anyway. As for the guys, most of them were totally forgettable. Von Smith dialed down his squealing theatrics, which was good, but he also toned down his personality, which was bad. He clocked in a prosaic version of a Marvin Gaye song, which the judges gave positive marks to, surprisingly enough. Yeah, it was decent, but totally boring. Besides, we already have Adam Lambert. How many aspiring Pippin stars do we need?
Alex Wagner-Trugman, meanwhile, had plenty of personality, but he screwed up his big shot by going overboard with weird growls and affectations. He didn’t need to. He started off so well. But as the song went on, his voice got weirder and weirder until finally it was evident he had gone past the point of viability. Too bad. He’s pretty funny.
Also funny, for entirely different reasons, was Nathaniel Marshall, Kristen McNamara’s fellow member of the notorious Team Compromise of Group Night. Never one to back away from theatrics (or headbands), Nathaniel announced that he wanted to really do something special up there on stage. And to that end, he would sing… Meatloaf? Hmm… This was gonna be bad. Sure enough, it was ridiculous. Nathaniel jumped around on stage, pointing to the audience and flapping his hand. It was like a tattooed terrier jacked up on cocaine. The judges all credited him for being fun and showing lots of personality, and then Simon, clearly having spotted her in the audience, gave Nathaniel’s grandma a shout-out. This led to awkward banter with Ryan, and somehow, the whole thing ended with Nathaniel almost sitting on Simon’s lap. The segment was interminable, and while it was memorable, it certainly wasn’t going to get me reaching for the phone. Then again, Nathaniel is a basket case, and it might be worth it to push him forward just to see him hopefully have a breakdown on stage on live television. I take back my claim. I’m voting for Nathaniel!!! (Oh, polls are closed. Oh well).
Somewhere in the mix was also Ju’Not Joyner, who I accidentally called LaMont. This elicited charges of me being racist, but I stand by my words because I have a well documented history of renaming people with names that best fit (Roz from Laguna, Rambutan from Idol last season, Gaydolph from Real World: Brooklyn — that’s JD, the gay dolphin trainer. Hence Gaydolph). So on that note, I present to you LaMont, née Ju’Not, who had a very good voice, but totally wasted it on an adult contemporary arrangement of “Hey There Delilah.” I agreed with Simon, who said the song would have been better stripped down, and I agreed with some of the other judges (including perhaps Paula the Reluctant Historian) who said they were expecting something more R&B. I think NeYo or Usher would have been much better. Does that make me racist also? This feels uncomfortable. And it’s only gonna get worse: I’m about to make fun of a Puerto Rican and a blind guy. Let the hate mail start.
Jorge Nuñez has bothered me from the beginning, mostly because of his overly dramatic singing and long, flowing scarves. To his credit though, he sounded really good with his take of “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me.” His voice was surprisingly textured, and I think he hit all his notes. This, of course, caused him to cry, which caused Paula to cry, which in turn caused Jorge to cry even more, which in turn caused Paula to cry even more. It was a vicious cycle of lacrymation. The judges also decreed that it was okay for Jorge to sing with an accent, which was good because now I can make fun of him by writing “Don’t Let The Es-sun Go Down On Me.” What? It’s accent humor! I make fun of the Brits and Italians and Australians. Why not Spanish? This feels uncomfortable also.
Last but not least, we had Scott MacIntyre, the inspiring blind musician who has captured the hearts of many people across America. I think it’s great that he’s been able to overcome his challenges. Too bad he sounded like ass. I’m sorry, the guy was uneven and warbly at best. He did not do his song justice, and let me tell you, I like “Mandolin Rain,” but I would never sing it on Idol. I mean, why not wear a shirt that says “I’d like to be a forgettable Adult Contemporary star, please.”
Still, the judges absolutely gushed over Scott for reasons that I can only imagine are tied to some sort of patronizing attitudes about his visual impairment. The dude did not sound good. I don’t care if he’s blind or not, he should not go forward. But he probably will, which means we’ll have at least two pity-cases on the top twelve (don’t forget Michael Sarver… groan).
What did you think about the final batch? Who will advance?