It was so nice to have Gossip Girl back last night. I haven’t written about the show in quite some time, but don’t take that as a lack of interest in my part. The show is still awesome, even when it does dabble in absolutely ridiculous and idiotic storylines (ie. anything Vanessa, the WRECKER, is involved with). Believe it or not, Vanessa wasn’t actually the worst part of last night’s episode. Granted, she still managed to wreck something (she caused chaos on the stage as she sat next to the director of the school play, thus prompting Nate to get “mad” and causing a general rebellion by all the young student thespians). The real stinker of the episode, however, was Chuck, who had to plod his way through a stinker of a plot involving a secret society and some high class whore / con-artist that he had somehow fallen in love with for no real reason. When this plot was introduced in the previous episode, it was groan-worthy. This time around, it just felt tiresome. After all, we were having so much fun everywhere else in the show with its perfect blend of comic snappiness (Blair, Nelly Yuki) and teen soap scandal (Dan and the teacher). Poor Chuck seemed like he was roving though an entirely different TV series.
Yes, Chuck was in full brood mode, which is fine, but it’s less amusing when everyone around him is brooding too. Turns out he ran into his old nemesis  whatshisface, who almost got Nate killed in a high stakes poker game in season one. Whatshisface was having lunch with who else? Elle! And who is Elle? She’s the mysterious whore nanny that got Chuck involved in the secret society in the first place. Well, there were lots of furtive glances, and next thing we knew, Chuck was promising this girl a trip out of the country and a new life together. Why he wanted to settle down with this shifty (and less hot than his usual tail) girl was beyond me. But Chuck got all sloppy obsessed, and next thing we knew, he had called up Whatshisface to help Elle out of the country. Probably not a good idea because in a flash, Whathisface had absconded with Elle, but not before flashing the Secret Society tattoo on his wrist! Oh, and by the way, not such a secret place for a secret society tattoo. Anyway, Chuck pulled some strings and yada yada yada, turns out Elle was just using all the men to get a sweet paycheck from the society (no surprise there). Before she drifted off into Gossip Girl obscurity, she told Chuck he was a good guy and that he should be giving his heart to a girl who would really appreciate it. You know, like Blair.
Too bad that while Chuck was up to all these stupid shenanigans, Blair was in a tizzy because a) she was the lead of the school play (The Age of Innocence) and b) her admission to Yale had been rescinded. Even worse, Nelly Yuki had taken her spot! THIS WAS WAR. Blair went into fussy bitch mode (her best mode, if you ask me) and began snapping at everyone in a three foot radius. First she accused Nelly of telling Yale that she had hazed a faculty member (Rachel, the pre-teen teacher who’s boinking Dan), but then when a Gossip Girl blast announced that Lord Marcus Beaton (remember him?) was sleeping with his stepmom, Blair focused her wrath on Serena. Serena in turn focused her wrath on Dan, who she accused of trying to get back at Blair for hurting Rachel, but then when another Gossip Girl blast stated that Serena only got into Yale because of a press release, Serena attacked Blair. In one of the more amazing screeds in this show’s history, Serena listed all the petty actions that Blair had committed: gossiping about Yale, telling people who she had slept with, and oh yeah, yapping away about that guy she killed. The way Serena so casually slipped in that last detail was utterly fantastic. It was like she was talking about spilling a glass of wine.
I was convinced that whoever was leaking the information to Gossip Girl was Georgina rising from the dead, but turns out it was merely Rachel, finally acting as old as she looks (which is about twelve years old). Lesson learned: Rachel is not a good teacher. She gets involved in her students’ petty lives / has sex with them. Speaking of which, she and Dan were still going at it this episode, much to the chagrin of Rufus, who intercepted a love note sent between them via Jenny (worst love note handler EVER!). He was none too pleased, and unsurprisingly, Dan bitched out his dad for having, you know, morals. (It wouldn’t be an episode without Dan getting on his high horse, even if his high horse was a short teacher).
Luckily, when everything came to a head (no pun intended), Rachel realized that she had lost her moral compass. She fled back to Iowa where she is no doubt humping a cow at this point, and Dan was left to realize that maybe porking the faculty is not the wisest way to get ahead in life. He returned home humble, and Rufus, who seemed to be enjoying a delightful Hagen-Daaz moment alone, offered his son an ice cream spoon of reconciliation. Wow. He really folded easily.
As for Serena, when she wasn’t bitching about the guy she’d killed, she spent the episode pining after the clearly gay director of the play. I guess she hadn’t really learned anything from Dan’s ordeal. Nevertheless, she wanted to bone him, but alas, she was unable to keep up with his intellectual discussion. Thankfully, Vanessa was there to help out. The two girls concocted a silly little Cyrano scenario where Serena kept Vanessa on the phone via secret Blue Tooth, and Vanessa would feed her lines to say to the director, Julian. It all seemed to be working out until Serena realized that this guy was an asshole. Not that he cared. When Serena confessed her one-time feelings towards Julian, he merely shrugged her off and said “I’m gay.” Oops. (The scarf was the giveaway).
Nate, meanwhile, caught Vanessa talking to Serena on the phone, but he thought she was talking to Julian. He automatically assumed (typical Archibald denseness) that Vanessa was into Julian, and he got all mad. Later, during the big school production, he spotted Vanessa and Julian sitting together and lost his cool. He snapped at both of them, and soon the whole play went to shit. It was a disaster, but luckily, a theater reviewer (who I’m sure was an actual theater reviewer making a cameo, based on his nonexistent acting skills) loved the show. Yay! Not that it mattered as this was merely a school production, but hey, it’s always nice to get validation.
Afterwards when the dust settled, Vanessa explained herself to Nate, but he was still feeling snippy. The truth was they had nothing in common (EXACTLY), and somehow the two began to argue, culminating in some heated point about tomatoes and why Nate should try them. I thought these two might finally be over, but alas, Vanessa just HAD to show up at Nate’s later on and suggest watching ESPN (one of his apparent interests). Damn, she ruins everything  even their breakup! To be fair, Nate wasn’t watching ESPN but instead The Age of Innocence. He was bowled over by its emotional honesty. Then again, he’s pretty much bowled over by anything: feathers, fruit flies, popcorn, etc.
In the end, Blair Bear was left alone in a bar to reflect on the miserable person that she is. It’s in her nature to be deceitful and vengeful, she concluded, and as she sat there alone and vulnerable, who should come to greet her? Not Chuck â€â€Ã‚ he was at her apartment waiting for her. Instead, it was Whatshisface ready to bring his A-Game. Oh, the complications!!!
What did you think about this episode? Aren’t you glad to have the show back?