Idol Thoughts: Week One of Auditions

“Laaaaaa!!!”

American Idol returned to the airwaves this week, and it was pretty much just what you’d expect: good singers, bad singers, and awkward Seacrest moments. New to the proceedings was the addition of permanent judge Kara DioGuardi, who fit right in just perfectly, if you ask me. I love that she’s testy and opinionated, but even better, she seems to have an angry bitch side to her, which is most welcomed. We caught a glimpse of it when Bikini Girl told her off, but I have a feeling there’ll be more to come.
Meanwhile, as for the auditioners, there hasn’t been anyone who’s truly blown me away. The singers we’ve seen have been more or less ho-hum, with some being better than others. The trainwrecks, meanwhile, have been extremely tedious these year. Normally, there are some disasters that are simply riveting. This time around, however, the bad singers have been simply bad. No entertainment value. I’ve been finding myself antsy to move on to the next person. Fox would do well to employ some healthy editing.
Anyway, my thoughts on some of the singers after the jump…

Stupid. And the hair drove me crazy. NEVER BE ON TV AGAIN.

This girl was okay. I don’t remember much about her. I found her a little unctuous, and the shirt makes her look like a cow. Not saying she’s fat. I’m saying she quite literally looks like a cow — like a little singing Holstein. Hey, maybe there’s a Ben & Jerry’s endorsement in her future.

EHHHH. The big roughneck with the gentle voice. Blah. I’m sure women will like his non-threatening style. Personally, I get unwelcomed flashbacks to Sundance Head.

Okay singer, but an A for Attitude! Bikini Girl spiced things up, and her little showdown with Kara was great, mostly because it brought out the DioGuardi daggers, WHICH I LOVED.

I liked this girl. I don’t remember why at this point, but I enjoyed her. If I remember correctly, her mom was a singer but had to give up her dreams when SHE came along. So this girl better make it, or else Mom’s sacrifices will be for nothing. No pressure though.

Annoying, but not in a funny trainwreck way. She got way too much screen time.

High-five, blind dude! What? I’m just following Ryan’s lead.

Of all the people that got the yellow ticket, I hated this girl THE MOST. There was something so awful about her. I’m sure she’s super nice and sweet, and her parents seemed great, but I can’t stand her. She’s entirely too precious and cutesy. Awful. And she’ll only get worse as she somehow stays afloat round after round. You KNOW it.

This guy was funny. I liked him. Plus he made British jokes.

Totally forgettable. I think he got a ticket though. I don’t remember (again, forgettable).

I liked this kid! He had a good voice, and his teary-eyed post-audition moment was touching. I do admit, however, that he has the potential to go from being likable to AWFUL very easily. He better watch it.

Seriously, this guy’s voice was ridiculous. And that’s not a compliment. He seemed like a nice dude though, even if he couldn’t hit a note for the life of him.

And here’s the thing about him. It’s not just that he had a deep voice. It’s that his accent was so strange. Like old fashioned workin-on-the-railroad. Bizarre. Very bizarre.

Ooooh. This was my favorite girl from the first night. Unlike the other women with their melismas and affected voices, hers sounded smoky and different. Early favorite!

Seriously? This dude got a yellow ticket? Awful.

She was okay. I hated how she crinkled her nose on some notes in an effort to be cutesy. It made me want to punch her in the face. But aside from that, I didn’t have any major objections.

No.

This guy wasn’t actually THAT bad. If he didn’t try so hard to sound like a black woman, he might have gotten in. Unfortunately, he couldn’t resist doing the Beyoncé growl with every other note, and the judges sent him packing. It was for the best.

Jason Castro’s little brother claims that he only started singing twenty days before the audition. I think we can all call bullshit on that. That being said, he was really good. He also apparently has a secret so deep that not even he knows what it is. Feel free to use your imaginations as necessary.

I really loved these two, and although my first instinct was to mock their cookie rap, the truth is that we’ve seen hit songs based on milkshakes and chicken noodle soup (with a soda on the side); so really, who am I to judge?

The man. The myth. The legend. VON SMITH. Two years after his earsplitting appearance on The View, Von popped up again on Idol and nearly busted out my speakers. As Randy would say, the kid can blow (pun certainly intended), but he’s gotta exercise some self-control. Take it down a few decibels, Von.

Oh, I liked this girl a lot. She had a good voice and a different look: sort of like Lisa Loeb meets Kelly Clarkson (meets a small cheeseburger; although, I guess that’s implied with Kelly Clarkson. I’M SO CRUEL).

This guy was cool. He had a good voice, but more importantly, he was charismatic and self-possessed — two traits most Idol wannabes don’t have. Plus, his friendship with his buddy was nice. I must say that I was a bit distracted by the teardrop tattoo. Was it a tattoo? Was it a birthmark? And why was it glimmering?

This guy was funny AND he looked like M. Night Shamalyanamanlaman. How could you go wrong?

Awww. The young widower. I gotta admit I found his sad story of losing his wife to be moving. Thankfully, he sang well. Otherwise that would have sucked.

FOX had been touting this girl for quite some time in the commercials, and in a season that seems overrun with a bunch of forgettable, Broadway-bound white girls, this singer was a nice change of pace. One of the best voices so far.

Another charismatic chap. What this guy has going for him is likability. I’ll be interested to see how he develops.

This was just painful to watch in so many ways.

You tell ’em, sistah.

The fact that this guy got a golden ticket was ridiculous. There’s no way he’s advancing beyond day one of Hollywood (and the previews would suggest that), but even still, he was horrendous, and begging shouldn’t secure a spot to the next round.

What did you think about the auditions?