'American Idol' Auditions Finally End; Still No Star In Sight

Things are looking ever so slightly bleak for American Idol this season. We’ve visited eight cities, and while the emphasis this season has been on the positive (ie. the good singers), we’ve yet to really find a breakout star. For a show whose caché has taken a downward tick since the rise of Sanjaya, this can’t be a good thing. We’ve had two back-to-back subpar seasons, and I’m afraid with the current crop of kids that we’ll never get back to the double apex that was season four and five.
Of course, there could be a breakout star in the mix, but we just don’t know it yet. Fox aired only a handful of winning auditions in New York City, and when we found out that twenty-six people had gone through to Hollywood, I felt a bit annoyed that such a bountiful group had been lumped into a shared hour with Puerto Rico (which only yielded nine). Nevertheless, there’s still plenty of hope for this burgeoning season. Hollywood week is going to be a longer process, which is a major step in the right direction. This is a vital time for contestants to develop personalities, and when the producers all but excised this essential phase in season six, well, you saw the results (boring). Hopefully we’ll get something a bit more exciting than a window shade falling over (a ridiculous non-event that Fox teased for literally weeks).
In the meantime, let’s take a look back at the auditioners of this week (at least the ones Fox has posted on their horrendous website)…

Okay, this guy wasn’t a star, but he was hilarious. And given that the stinker auditions have become more and more tiresome over the years, it’s nice to see that America can still surprise us with some sheer and utter cluelessness.

Wait a second — there was a guy with a little monkey? Why did we never see this??

I really liked this girl. Her voice seemed natural and beautiful. However, I have a major fear that she’ll become insufferable. Then again, that’s part of the fun.

Nut job.

I feel like this guy sang well, but honestly, I have no memory of him. That’s probably not a good thing.

I just like the outfit.

Eight years later, and we’re still dealing with the fashion shrapnel of Avril Levigne.

Hey, it’s the maybe-insufferable girl, and she looks so much better! I just hope that if she advances to the semi-finals, her whole thing isn’t “I never wear makeup! This is all so new to me! I’m usually out on a nature walk or playing with dogs!” That would be annoying.

I seem to remember liking this girl’s voice way more than I thought I would.

Idiot.

This girl is sort of like Frenchie Davis Lite. Not sure I want to see her nude though. Not sure I want to see either woman nude.

This girl is from Silver Lake, CA, and yet she not only went onto American Idol, but she sang JASON MRAZ. She totally lost her hipster cred.

This moron quit her job BEFORE the audition, not after. Too bad she didn’t make it through. Luckily, Simon called up her boss and got her job back, but I like to think she got fired the moment she stepped back into the office.

Here’s a look no dude should ever go for: Wynonna Judd hair mixed with Kim Zolciak body.

Like Simon, I usually hate the people that try to put on an act or a show or a comic routine. That being said, this guy was hilarious. He had a decent voice too… when he could contain himself from drag queen cabaret. I particularly loved when he yelled “I CAN’T HELP IT! IT’S ADDICTING!!!” Crossing my fingers for the semifinals…

The good news is that spandex notwithstanding, this girl looks much better than she did last year. Still can’t sing though. And she still act like one of my grandmother’s old Jewish friends from Hadassah, but I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that.

I didn’t know Cameron Diaz auditioned!

How the mighty have fallen…