Turn The Lights Down, It's Time To Get Bromantic

Christmas came late this year as MTV launched two must-see shows Monday night: The City (more on that in another post) and Bromance — the latter show being so awful and full of unbridled homoerotic preening that it just can’t be missed. To be honest, I wasn’t going to watch much of Bromance. I thought I’d sample the first episode and then move on with my life. After all, there’s only so much whining from Brody one person can take (and at an hour a pop, Bromance promised to test my patience). The good news is that given his set of minions to control, Brody is much less of a bitch and can even be, dare I say it, affable. I mean, he’s still a douche. But maybe a nice douche? Gosh, what are these words I’m saying? Is it possible I’m developing bromantic feelings for the Jenner spawn?
Probably not. Nevertheless, the premiere episode had many moments of unintentional hilarity — from the way the wannabes gush about Brody as if he’s a demigod to the sudsy elimination ceremony which takes place in a hot tub, of all places. I know this show must be taken with a grain of salt, and clearly, there’s some winking at the audience by producer Ryan Seacrest (never one to shy away from homoerotic material), but the tub was simply too ridiculous. Even better was how Brody excused all the “safe” dudes from the hot tub, but then after the eliminated douche was sent packing, The Brodester looked at all the other supplicants, now back in their shirts and shorts, and with a warm smile and forthcoming wave, implored them to get back in. Just like that, the shirts were doffed and all the guys hopped eagerly back in the tub where a frenzied orgy of platonic (but not really) man-on-man action went down. Why isn’t this show on Bravo?
To the photocap…

“Ouch. Dude. C’mon. Take it easy. Oww. I love Brody so much. Oww. Ouch. Ack…”

“I don’t know where I am, and I can’t see a thing, but I know I have an erection. Is Brody nearby?”

Gary: “Wow. Brody is way hotter in person.”
Femi: “I can’t wait to fuck him.”

“Brody, what do you mean you want another friend? Do you know how hard it is for me to share you with Sleazy-T? I don’t even know who homeboy is! What do I have to do to have a monogamous sidekick relationship with you? Do you want gifts? I can get you gifts. All sorts of gifts. You name it, and I’ll get it.”

“Hey ladies. Does it alarm you that I’m dressed like an egg yolk?”

“Yay, I’m on The Hills!”

“Sorry, ladies. This body is reserved for Brody.”

“Let me just say that real knows real, bro. I love you guys. I FUCKIN’ love you guys. But FUCK YOU ALL.”

“So here’s the thing. I thought you were Lauren Conrad, but you’re not. So… see ya!”

“Okay, from right to left, that is the order which you will fellate me. Chris, you’re first.”

Chris: “Hey, Femi, is that your hand on my package?”
Femi: “Sorry, bro. Thought it was my package.”
Chris: “No, THIS is your package. Feel that?”
Femi: “Oh yeah. That IS my package. And what’s this in my right hand?”
Jacob: “That’s my package, bro.”
Femi: “Really?”
Jacob: “Yeah, bro. But it’s cool.”
Femi: “Cool.”
Jacob: “Mind if I touch your package?”
Femi: “What are you? Fuckin’ gay???”

“Listen Jacob, I think you’re really hot–“

“I think you’re really hot too, Brody.”

“But I’m just not feelin’ it.”

“That’s cool. Frankie’s more my type anyway.”

“Stay away. He’s mine, bitch.”