Last night’s Christmas-themed Top Chef was all sorts of fun. Unfortunately, it kind of peaked after the Quick Fire Challenge with the exit of Martha Stewart as guest judge. Proving to be as austere and unforgiving as ever, Martha was a delight to watch. Dishes she enjoyed were met with warm anecdotes of diving for scallops off the coast of Maine in January. Less successful offerings, however, were met with succinct yet devastating dismissals. “Pungent,” she stated coldly to one chef. Ouch. Even worse was the silent scolding she gave to Eugene. “WITH?” she asked terrifyingly, after learning that his broth had been thickened. Who knew one preposition could be so intimidating?
It’s a shame Martha couldn’t stick around for the rest of the episode, but I guess beggars can’t be choosers. Luckily we had Michelle Bernstein back to kick all the chefs’ asses at the judging table. In case you don’t know who she is, just go down to Borders and pick up her new cookbook, CUISINE A LATINA (said in a suddenly twangy, high-pitched, and exaggerated Latina accent).
Anyway, on to the photocap…
“Good morning, chefs. I’ll be your guest judge for today, and unlike Padma’s dear friend Gail Simmons, I won’t eat just any old thing you put in my mouth.”
“Gail will not be joining us for tonight’s Christmas feast. Word is she got into an industrial-sized bag of candy canes and needed to be tranquilized, bless her heart.”
Martha: “What is it?”
Padma: “I think it’s a–“
Martha: “Pass.”
“Hallelujah!!! We’re here for no good reason!!!”
“Isn’t this just wonderful? I only wish my good friend Gail Simmons was here, but I’m afraid she mistook a yule log for a giant candy bar. She’s in the emergency room now, bless her heart.”
“Hello. My name is Natasha Richardson, and I do hope that my British accent aptly disguises the fact that I know nothing about food.”
“You may not know this, ladies, but now that Danny’s left the show, I’m now the winner of Worst Facial Hair on Top Chef.”
“Do you want to nuzzle in my bosom? Because I’m offering it to you. Take it. TAKE IT.”
“This dancing makes me feel so romantic. Perhaps afterwards, we can enjoy some brandy and watch The Tale of Despereaux.”
“I’m sorry, Jeffrey, maybe I just don’t understand American accents, but did you say you work at the DILDO club?”
“Seriously, Padma, get this stupid actress out of here before I punch her in the face.”
