“om nom nom nom nom…”
Drumroll please! The time has finally come: Speidi have gotten married… sort of… not really. That’s right, tonight’s episode of The Hills featured the much anticipated Mexican nuptials of Spencer Pratt and his blushing / boozing bride Heidi Montag. And what did we get to see? Nothing really. Apparently we’ll get to see the real deal legal action next week. For now, we just have some shaky home video and enough flammable tequila breath to fuel a small power grid. Mazel mazel!
Spencer and Heidi weren’t the only ones celebrating life-changing events. Whitney landed that job at Diane von Furstenberg’s empire (shocking, I know), and as a result, we spent the rest of Monday’s episode bidding her adieu via parties, luncheons, and extended driving-to-the-airport sequences. Now she’s ready for life in the city. I mean, The City. Will she ever find friends like Lauren again? You know, friends that never invite her to parties (except for lame pool parties hosted by Doug).
Ah, the future is now, young starlets. Enjoy the next chapters of your lives!
Tonight’s penultimate show of the season started out in scenic Mexico where we found Spencer honing his inner Vicki Gunvalson and yelling, “Viva La Mexico! WHOOOO!!!!” Right behind him was Heidi, who emerged from a minivan holding not one, but two oversized, floppy sun hats. My first instinct was to think she wanted to protect herself from sun damage, but I’m not sure Heidi ever encountered a UV Ray she didn’t want burrowed into her skin. I guess maybe she thought they were just cool looking frisbees.
Anyway, the happy couple gushed over the ocean views from their hotel room, at which point Heidi curiously said “I think it’s nice to get out of town and everything, but why now?” Heidi, you’re only questioning this trip now? Wouldn’t you ask these questions before hopping on a jet plane down to Me-hi-co?
Nevertheless, Spencer explained that their relationship was always best when it was just “you and me,” and instead of being alarmed at this possessive, borderline scary sentiment, Heidi just batted her eyes. Spencer then attempted to give their romance some sort of epic, poetic gravitas by saying how everyone was always trying to tear them apart â€â€Ã‚ her sister, her mother, her former best friends, his sister. Yes, these two are a regular second coming of the Capulets and the Montagues. Sadly, you’d think that after Spencer so clearly presented how many people thought their relationship was AWFUL, Heidi might scratch her head and realize that hey, maybe this dude ain’t so good for me. But I guess that sort of cognitive reasoning might be a bit much to ask from Heidi, who’s seems only capable of giggling and pawing at dangling yarn.
As the scene came to an end, Spencer promised that this vacation would be the most memorable of Heidi’s life. “Buckle up, baby!” she said in response, not realizing that you’re not supposed to say things like that to the person who’s promising the excitement. They tell YOU to buckle up. Sigh.
After the opening credits, we learned the title for this episode, “Mr. & Mrs. Pratt.” I’ll give you a moment to spit out the traces of vomit that just entered your mouth. Anyway, over at People’s Revolution, Whitney received a call from Alixe (a.k.a. the woman from DVF who pronounces “facet” and “broad” with an inexplicable British accent). The big news was that Whit-Whit got the job in NYC! Yay! How very… expected. I guess no one told Lauren that her sidekick was getting her own spinoff show because she was positively shocked. Whitney, however, was thrilled. “Just tell me when, and I’ll be there!” she told Alixe on the phone. After the call, Lauren then asked her, “Are you taking it?” No offense, Laur, but exactly which part of “JUST TELL ME WHEN, AND I’LL BE THERE” did you not understand? It’s not something you usually say when turning down an offer  unless, of course, the full sentence is “Just tell me when, and I’ll be there… to tell you that no, I don’t want your stupid job.” But I highly doubt anyone would say that.
“I never have to deal with Kelly Cutrone again! EVER!!!!”
Well, as excited as Whitney was, she was nothing compared to Lauren, who immediately started prattling away about Whitney getting a perfect job and a perfect boyfriend and a perfect life. Whit-Whit tried to keep things in perspective by refusing to admit she had the perfect anything, but Lauren simply couldn’t control herself. THE JOB! THE BOY! THE CITY! Somebody slap her before her eyeball pop out.
“CONRAD OVERLOAD! AFLKDJF:SDIFG:LKWERLJSDF:LKJ@#$*()&SDFL:KW)!!!”
Anyway, the girls decided that they’d have to arrange some sort of goodbye party, and then off we went back down to Cabo San Lucas where America was given the glorious opportunity to see Spencer sunning his pale body in the Mexican sun. Heidi eventually sauntered into this private cabana of pastiness, and she brought with her a champagne bottle, which she popped open with great gusto. “Whooo!!! Look at me!!” she cheered. Congratulations, Heidi. Shall we now compliment you for you ability to BREATHE AIR?
Well, as the gentle sounds of douchey techno thumped in the background, the lovebirds settled in with their champagne and enjoyed the moment. Spencer immediately found a way to put Heidi down, saying that she seemed so stressed now, as opposed to the early days when she was just a carefree spirit. She explained that the stress came from her family, causing Spence to remind her that now was Heidi-Spencer time. No need to think about family. Heidi sighed and said she’d work on not letting her family affect her, and once again, Spencer succeeded in making her somehow feel bad about having a family that cared about her. Being the jackass that he is, Spencer then said “And I will work on not letting your family affect me.” Well, isn’t he just the greatest? What a wonderful sacrifice he’s made for Heidi.
Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, Stephanie showed up at Audrina’s big, Gothic door, which slowly opened up for her as if it were the entrance to a haunted house or some scary castle in Eatern Europe. Steph stepped into the darkness, and amazingly, she wasn’t greeted by Dracula himself. No, Audrina was there instead. And so was Justin Bobby, who quietly ate food in his overalls (??). Judging by next week’s previews, it’s a new look for him. I’d also like to note that when Steph walked into the house, that big framed picture in the living room was still on the floor, resting against the wall as it has been every episode. I think it’s time for J-Bobs to get off his ass and mount that thing already. And yes, I realize I’ve just crossed the line from snickering blogger to unfortunately obsessed viewer. Apologies.
Anyway, Stephanie had some very troublesome news to report. She and Heidi were supposed to go shopping yesterday, but then Heidi never showed up. And in case you didn’t know, those shopping plans were “kind of a big deal.” Dunh dunh DUNH!!!! How could anyone, ANYONE shun shopping plans with Steph?!?!?!? Does Heidi think Costco sales just grow on trees?
Well, Steph immediately began calling around, and no answer from Spencer or Heidi. They’d gone missing! And don’t even try to suggest Santa Barbara because if they’d gone up there, they would have asked for the keys from mom and dad (unless they’d made copies for themselves, doh!). This led Stephanie to conclude one thing: the twosome may have gone somewhere that involved a plane ride. And if that were the case, it was TOTALLY “uncool.” Yes, it turns out that the Pratt clan has a sacred rule: call before take off and call after landing. It’s sort of like the aviation equivalent of Carla’s “Hootie Hoo” call on Top Chef.
As you can imagine, the notion that this Pratt family bylaw had been ignored was entirely too much for Stephanie. What to do?
“You should put up some signs,” Justin Bobby said, and that, my friends, may just have been the funniest intentional line of the season. Who would have thunk it?
After the break, we went down to Cabo where Speidi were luxuriating in a place called “Me By Melia,” which is not to be confused with the famed haute couture line, She By Shereé. Since it was nighttime, Spencer had thankfully put on a shirt, and presently the two were downing shots of Patron, which only made them all the more lovable. And by “lovable,” I mean dreadfully annoying. Heidi for one was terrible, putting the “Patron” in “patronizing” by letting out the occasional “ARRIBA!!!” She purported to being wasted, but it felt kind of false to me, especially since we’ve seen her inebriated many times before, and she not only gets slurry, but very loud. I guess we learned that the only thing worse than drunk Heidi is fake drunk Heidi.
Anyway, with his girl sufficiently sauced, Spencer raised the idea of getting eloped right then and there in Mexico. Heidi kind of laughed it off by saying something or another in Spanish, but Spencer rebuffed her: “I’m being serious right now,” he said. Heidi said that she was too. Unfortunately, I don’t think she had any idea what the hell they were talking about.
“You know what Patron does to me!” she then gushed. I guess it makes her want to get married. Probably not a good thing.
“HAHAHAHA! I don’t even know where we are! Is this Moscow?”
We momentarily left the fiesta to check in on things in West Hollywood where Whitney was enjoying her goodbye party at the Palihouse. Lauren, Audrina, and Lo approached on the sidewalk, with Aud saying, “I see balloons!”
Lauren then noted, “Where there’s balloons, there’s a party.” Or a drug mule. RIMSHOT! Or an angioplasty. RIMSHOT! Or a balloon factory. RIMSHOT x 3!!!
Oh, I kill me.
Inside the party, there were hugs all around. Everyone was there, even Brody, who managed to go the whole evening without bitching about something or another. Best of all, Whitney’s parents showed up, with her dad going so far as to say “Yo yo” for no reason. It was so sweet.
Lauren, Lo, and Audrina meanwhile took a seat on the sidelines and immediately discussed the most important topic of the evening: Speidi’s disappearance. Where could they be? Eh, no one seemed to really care. Thankfully, this conversation was interrupted by the Ports, who toasted to their daughter’s success. I was very happy to see Vicki Port, Whit’s mom, but I must admit that she kind of ruined the whole “Bavarian Candy Shoppe” image I had somehow created in my head over the years. She looked more like SoCal Tofu Peddler instead. Not as funny.
Anyway, as Vicki realized her daughter was off to start a new life on the East Coast, she began to cry, and when she couldn’t turn off the waterworks, she attempted to changed the conversation. “Okay, girls, so what’s new?” she asked. Personally I was shocked she didn’t already know: SPEIDI WAS MISSING!!!! It was on all the news stations!!
Speaking of Speidi, they were still at Me By Sherayay I mean, Melia  and they were still drinking. If they kept this up, Heidi was gonna boot all over their priest. Anyway, Heidi had since come to realize that Spencer was serious about this whole wedding thing, and now she wasn’t so sure about it anymore. Not to worry. Spencer was on top of it. “It’s a secret Mexico wedding,” he said, as if that were a selling point. “It’s for us!” Literally. It was for Us Weekly.
Heidi still felt unsure about it all; so Spencer reiterated his point once again. “You don’t have to tell anyone. It’s our SECRET MARRIAGE.” Yes, a secret marriage on MTV. With Us Weekly at the altar. No one will ever know…
Finally, in a Hail Mary effort to convince his flaxen bride-to-be, Spencer delivered an incredibly creepy speech that had eerie shades of Jerry Maguire peppered throughout: “Heidi Montag, when I’m with you, you make me want to be nicer, and that’s why I’m just madly obsessed with you, and it’s pretty apparent  the fact that I haven’t left your side in nearly two and a half years, and I pretty much keep you from the world.” For some reason, she actually thought this was sweet when in fact it was just a few degrees away from some unhinged lunatic saying “I’m totally enamored with you, which is why I’ve locked you in my basement: so it can just be you and me. The way it should be.”
“Please stop calling me the Fuzzy Navel.”
Nevertheless, the speech worked. Heidi agreed to the wedding, and as they kissed, Spencer pulled back, jokingly telling Heidi to save some lovin’ for the Honeymoon.
“I’ll show you what a wife does,” Heidi said in response, all but dropping to her knees and blowing him right there in the middle of the bar. I only wished a mariachi band had arrived out of nowhere and ruined their moment. That would have been awesome.
After the break, we caught up with Whitney and Lauren having lunch, talking about the future. Whit-Whit expressed some concern about adapting to NYC: how would she get groceries? Would she take them in a cab? Would she buy a bike with a little basket? Would she hand them off to a carrier pigeon to be flown to her apartment? I actually empathized with her plight as I could see myself wondering the same things. Then again, just how much food was she planning to get for her kitchen? It’s not like she’d be cooking Thanksgiving dinner every night.
Anyway, the girls reminisced about all their good times  like being called “matchy matchy” on the first day of work at Teen Vogue. I really hoped Lisa Love would make a cameo appearance, but it wasn’t to be. Lauren then got all choked up as the reality sunk in that she’d no longer have Whitney around to not invite to parties. So sad. Poor LC was soon reduced to a bundle of tears in public for the umpteenth time this season. How many times must this girl be subjected to this public humiliation?
“Lauren, you’re smothering me. I can’t breathe. Lauren. LAUREN.”
Nevertheless, the two girls eventually hugged goodbye, and Whitney drove off in her gigantic Cadillac Escalade (not expecting that). Lauren, meanwhile, walked off on her own  a lone paparazzo taking her picture in the background (don’t think I didn’t see him, MTV).
Down in Mexico, we found Spencer yawning in bed, complaining about how tired he was after having just gotten married. Wwwwwhaaaaaa??? It already happened? WE MISSED IT? Way to go, MTV. Weeks of anticipation for THAT?
Well, Spencer revealed to Heidi that it was his plan to get hitched down in Mexico all along. He wasn’t sure if she’d go for it, but then he said “I think the Patron helped a bit.” Isn’t that just so sweet and romantic? Nothing says love like having to drug your girlfriend to get married.
Anyway, the newlyweds then snuggled together on the bed and watched footage of their wedding â€â€Ã‚ or at least footage of directly after the wedding â€â€Ã‚ on a camcorder. I’m sure the video will eventually wind up for sale on eBay or Spencer’s website. Nevertheless, there was a whole lot of postmodern simulacrum action going on as we sat and watched Speidi sitting and watching themselves on camera. From what we could see, the wedding took place the next day, which kind of undermined the role of Patron in all this. Clearly, Heidi had sobered up and was fine with the plan â€â€Ã‚ perhaps even complicit. But who cares.
Highlights from the video were Spencer flashing his gaudy wedding ring at the camera, and Heidi praising her outfit. How convenient that she had a white cocktail dress perfect for a Mexican elopement.
“It’s just so romantic and on a whim,” Heidi said. Yes, and what a wonderfully premeditated whim it was. The memories will last a lifetime.
Of course now Heidi had to face reality: her mom was gonna find out. Spencer suggested that Heidi just never tell her ever, which, you know, made sense. It’s not like they were being filmed or anything. Anyway, the episode came to an end with intercut footage of Spencer and Heidi leaving Mexico and Whitney leaving Los Angeles. Poor Whit. Her big goodbye moment, and she has to share it with Speidi. Even worse, she had to fly United. Enjoy your new spinoff (and arriving there LATE).
What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on the wedding? Thoughts on Whitney? Thoughts on anything at all?