TOP CHEF PHOTOCAP: New York, New York – It's A Wonderful Town!

Utensils down, hands up! Top Chef is back, and by the looks of this first episode of the New York season, I think we’ll be in for quite the ride, as Tom said. It seems as though we’ve got a nice selection of colorful characters, and while there are some generic, nameless ones in the bunch, we also have two — count ’em — two Europeans (oooh), and so you just know they’re gonna be the bad guys. Having clear villains from the first episode is always a bonus for a reality show. Unfortunately, I’m not sure who my hero is. Carla seems enjoyably kooky (and I was shocked to see that she’s 44), but I’m not sure she’ll have the chops to go very far. Meanwhile, Gene, the humble and unwitting Indian food genius, has an affable underdog vibe about him that could be fun to follow (bad tattoos be damned). I also liked Leah, the girl with the strict mom who warned her not to cry on TV. Oh, and I liked Melissa too, but only because I thought it was amusing that she called herself a “country mouse.”
Danny, the chef de cuisine from Long Island, could be an affable underdog too, but I can’t fully embrace him until his bizarre facial hair has been removed. I’m also not sure where I stand with Jeff, the blonde-haired pretty boy chef with a slight resemblance to Jesse Spencer of House. I feel like I’m not supposed to really like him, but I don’t particularly dislike him either. Additionally, I’m not loving Radhika, who not only wears a perma-scowl (memories of Lisa), but also landed in the bottom of the night’s two challenges. After the disastrous Nipa on Next Food Network Star and the equally awful Shazia on Top Design, I think it’s safe to say that South Asian women have not been faring well on reality TV this year (a.k.a the only year they’ve ever surfaced). Let’s hope Radhika can avoid being Nipa 3.0 and actually do something proficient (ie. fillet a fish).
And then there were the two people sent home. Stop reading if you don’t want to know the results. I’m taking, of course, about Patrick and… that strange woman with the husband in Iraq. The two of them both went to culinary school together, and the two of them both got the axe (not a great endorsement of the CIA’s current admissions staff). I knew the woman, Lauren, was going home when she prepared a simple salad for Pad and Tom. Not very Top Cheffy. Pat, meanwhile, had a warm smile and an affable demeanor, but he was entirely too inexperienced, which is why he got the boot later on, letting Ariane live to see another day. Phew! I love when those Jersey women stick around (I profoundly enjoyed Nikki last season). There are others to discuss (Team Rainbow and whatnot), but I should really get to the photocap.

“Welcome to New York City. My name is Padma Lakshmi, and this is Tom Colicchio. Sadly, my good friend Gail Simmons couldn’t be here today because she’s busy judging a kebob festival in Syosset, NY.”

“All my queens at home told me not to cut myself, and I said, ‘Queen, what sort of queen do you think I am? Some sort of clumsy-ass queen with no queen skills? Queen, please.'”

Padma: “An apple a day keeps the doctor away! Although, my good friend Gail Simmons says the rule also applies to cupcakes, bless her heart.”

“It’s really important to me that people see that I can do more than just Indian food. That’s why I’m so glad I made apple chutney for my first dish.”

“Chefs, I’d like you to meet our guest judge Jean Georges as well as our very own Gail Simmons, who, I should note, has been officially outfitted by TJ Maxx. Doesn’t she look great?”

“So Padma, who’s the dumpy one? Can we ditch her?”
“Gail is NOT dumpy. In fact, tonight she’s meeting a man named Allan from eHarmony. Let’s hope he’s not another chubby chaser. I don’t know why she keeps attracting them.”

“Dammit, this is totally against what my spiritual guidance suggested.”

“For years I toiled away without anyone noticing me in the kitchen, which was kind of strange since you’d think they’d see this GOD AWFUL BEARD.”

“All my queens back at home say I talk too much in the kitchen, but I’m like ‘Queen, you’re supposed to talk in the kitchen!’ What sort of queen doesn’t talk in the kitchen? If those queens were here, we wouldn’t be Team Rainbow, we’d be Team Lame-bow. Am I right, queen? Right? Okay, I’ll shut up.”

“I think it’s great that while the three of us are stuffed, Gail can power on and finish the food for us. Really commendable.”

“This smells like — how you say? — crap.”

“Aren’t I a riot? I’m gonna take Top Chef by storm!”

“Look, I can be funny too! See? …You’re looking at my beard, aren’t you?”

“Weeeeee!!!! I’m wacky!!!! Wait, who am I? Am I even on this show?”