HILLS RECAP: Whitney Takes A Bite Out of the Big Apple And Whatnot

Well, for the umpteenth episode in a row, poor Lauren Conrad has taken a backseat on her own show as a supporting character — this time Whitney — anchored the main story line. The good news was that we got a break from the endless Audrina / Justin Bobby drama. The bad news is that we saw a side of Wh-wh-wh-Whitney that I didn’t particularly like very much. She’d always been the sweet, flighty girl of the bunch — the one who seemed least likely to pull a Mean Girls move. However, we discovered that underneath the giggly surface was a girl who wasn’t afraid to plunge a dagger deep into the heart of a gentleman caller. For shame, Whitney. For shame.

The episode kicked off at the Los Angeles office of People’s Revolution where several of the employees were gathered around a speaker phone like it were a campfire in the middle of the Himalayas. They were receiving instructions from their overlord, Herr Kelly Cutrone, who informed them all that she needed help in New York, adding “NO JOKE.” Oh really? And here I thought she’d burst into a cackle and say, “Just kidding, it was a total joke! That’s called humor in the power bitch world!”
Anyway, the big news was that Kelly wanted Whitney and Lauren to fly to New York (insert angry glares from coworkers here) to help assist with a Buckler fashion show. That’s right, the girls were going on a field trip, and with any luck, Lauren would survive the whole time without burning any haute couture.
After the credits, we heard the most catchy song of all time, “Live Your Life,” which takes the atonal bleating of Rihanna and pairs it with the irrepressible tune of the Numma Numma song. A great combination, if you ask me. My la hee, my la ho, my la hoo — okay, I’ll stop.
Anyway, we soon found ourselves at the New York headquarters for People’s Revolution where Kelly Cutrone was busy addressing an army of baby-faced intern types. “You’re all wearing black, which is very good,” she said, thus confirming my suspicions that her unhealthy obsession with the color was still alive and well. Kelly then trained her wrath on a spritely young Asian girl who had the misfortune of actually talking on an office phone.
“Can you hang up the phone please?” Kelly barked. “Hello? Can you hang up the phone? Hello? Bye. Click. See you, thanks for calling.” I swear, she was one more sarcastic comment away from taking out a shotgun and shooting the intern’s head off. Luckily, the Asian girl managed to hang up just in time, thus sparing her a bloody demise at the hands of the People’s Revolution.
After a few minutes of Kelly-babble, Lauren and Whitney finally made their triumphant entrance, and much to the shock of perhaps the entire island of Manhattan, they deigned to wear colors.
“Where’s your black?” Kelly asked with equal parts shock and dismay. It’s like they had just walked into the office wearing shirts that said “FUCK YOU.” Thinking quick, the girls said (read: lied) that they were saving their “black” for later. Nice save. Of course, what they didn’t tell Kelly was that Lauren accidentally reduced their dark outfits to a pile of ashes when she accidentally left them on a pile of thirty curling irons. Ooops!

“I knew you’d come dressed like a lilac.”
“Actually, it’s an ode to grape soda — my favorite.”

Anyway, Kelly directed Lauren and Whitney to head over to the Buckler model fitting to oversee whatever it was that needed to be overseen. One word of warning though: Alex was gonna be there. “And just so you know,” Kelly reminded Whit, “your best friend is going to be probably seeing him in his underwear.” She then added, “That’s what you call preparation in the power bitch world!”
Personally, I don’t know why Kelly needed to mention this. It’s not like the girls were in kindergarten. I think they could handle underwear. “That doesn’t bother me,” Whitney eventually replied, adding, “Besides, I HATE Alex.”
Okay, she didn’t say that, but I’m sure she’s thought it several times if later actions in the episode were any indication.
Well, the girls headed to the Buckler studio where Lauren ribbed Whit, “Maybe your boyfriend is here!”
“My boyfriend?” Whitney answered, adding, “FUCK YOU, BITCH.”
Okay, again, Whitney did not say that. Instead, the girls met up with the titular British designer (Buckler) and several male models, including one handsome specimen named Adam. “Are you ready for me?” he asked, causing Whitney to reply elusively, “Are you ready for us?” Great. Just when we thought we were free of Justin Bobby, they all start talking like him.
Sure enough, Adam seemed to be a scholar of all Justin Bobbyisms. When Whitney asked “How old are you?”, he responded with “How old are you?” And when Lauren asked him, “Did you move here to model?” he answered, “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.” How do you not know? I’m thinking he was just trying to cover up a shady past — you know, like a detour in gay porn. Seems entirely possible.
Amidst all this silliness, Alex finally sauntered on in, giving Whitney a warm kiss on the cheek and then promptly disrobing (avert your eyes, ladies! He’s in his underwear!!!). This was then followed by general awkwardness as Whit introduced him to Lauren, saying things such as “You guys don’t know each other, but you know OF each other,” which is always a great way to make things completely uncomfortable. Eventually though, Alex was sent on his way, and after some hugs goodbye, a wide-eyed Lauren beamed, “That guy Adam is so cute!” Ahem, Lauren, you just met Whitney’s guy. You think maybe you could address that first? I know you’re the star and all, but seriously.
Luckily, Whitney kept things on track, saying, “And Alex is nice, right?”
“He’s really nice!” Lauren replied, thus giving Alex the kiss of death. Nice guys don’t last on The Hills. They have to be douches — the bigger the better. Sorry, Alex. Thanks for playing.
Speaking of douches, we then headed to Los Angeles where we found Spencer sitting on his bed, struggling to adjust to Heidi’s bizarre morning hours. She had apparently woken him up, and he was not pleased. In an effort to woo her back to bed, he suggested that they get breakfast delivered, which had to be one of the more excessive ideas of all time. How hard is it to go into the kitchen and pour yourself a bowl of cereal? Maybe heat up a waffle? Actually, don’t answer that. I suddenly have visions of Heidi sticking her hand in the toaster and pressing “On.” Maybe delivery is a good idea after all.
For her part, Heidi was looking quite glammed up for her first day of unemployment. I guess she wanted to make sure she dazzled everyone at the Welfare office. “Why are you in such a bad mood?” Spencer asked her, perhaps forgetting about that whole “unemployment” thing.
“Because I got fired from my job that I worked really hard at for three years by being such an idiot!” Heidi shot back. This of course made me wonder exactly which job was she talking about because I’m not sure I know of one that she “worked really hard at.”
Spencer, however, had little sympathy. “I feel like that party NEEDED a little entertainment,” he said. Oh, well, then it was worth it. I mean, a job is one thing. A dull party is quite another. Well done, Heidi!
Nevertheless, Heidi announced she was gonna work on her resume, which I imagine probably looked like this:

Spencer, however, didn’t want Heidi to get her fake career back on track. Instead, he suggested that they celebrate her first free night by going out. Heidi resisted this offer, but then about two second later, she changed her mind (hey, whatever Spencer wants!) and agreed to paint the town red. She then stood up and waltzed out of the bedroom, quietly announcing, “I’m gonna be in the other room.” Oh good. I’m glad she told Spencer that — just in case he couldn’t find her in that massive one bedroom apartment.
Back in NYC, the Buckler fashion show was getting underway. Whitney and Alex took some time to chat a little, and when he asked her what she thought about his makeup, she laughed and said it looked like a really bad fake tan. She then added, “And I know a thing or two about those. Have you met our friend Audrina? Or Stephanie Pratt? Or really anyone on the show?”

“So… are we dating or what?”

Certainly not suffering from a fake tan was Kelly Cutrone who suddenly appeared wearing a black shirt… WITH HUGE BLUE LETTERS. WTF??? No colors, bitch! No colors!! Oh well. She’s the boss. She gets to make the completely illogical rules. Anyway, Kelly soon snapped at the workers, “Dressers, when I speak, you listen. COME OVER HERE, PLEASE!” She then added, “That’s the way you yell at people for no reason in the power bitch world!”
Nevertheless, once Kelly was done squawking, male model Adam approached the girls and invited them to a restaurant later where his buddy would be playing in a band. The music would be easy and chill (read: awful) and the food catered. (Catered? At a restaurant? Hmmm…). Well, who were Lauren and Whitney to turn down such a lovely offer. They agreed to go — pursuant to Kelly letting them off the leash — and with that, we the fashion show began. Models! Clothing! Bare buttocks! All in a day’s work.
Finally, when it was over, the girls headed off, ready to party with the models. But what about poor Alex, the young Viggo Mortensen in the making? “Alex is really nice,” Whitney said, “It’s just that he’s really, really nervous.” Of course he’s nervous. HE’S A NICE GUY. BE NICE BACK!
In response, Lauren declared, “Well, Adam’s cute, and tonight should be fun.” I guess that was her way of saying, “Well, your boy might be nervous, but mine is hot; so it really all worked out in the end. Toodles!”
After the commercial break, we found ourselves at the appropriately named Il Bastardo restaurant where we got to witness some of this much hyped “chill” music, and yes, it was just as wretched as I expected. Up on stage was a greasy, long-haired bloke, who we learned was actually Adam’s roommate. Oh, and speaking of Adam, turns out he had a girlfriend named Allie. Sorry, Lauren. Looks like Adam may have been cute, but there wouldn’t be much fun with him. If only there were a stinky Parisian around to sweep her off her feet. Alors!
Meanwhile, Whitney looked to be completely entranced by Adam’s roommate on stage. Granted, Whitney always looks entranced, but her expression was a bit more stupefied than usual.

“Greasy hair? Dirty shirt? Stupid serenades? I think I’m in love…”

Too bad that Nervous Nellie, Alex, had to show up and ruin everything. Well, actually, he didn’t really ruin anything. He just stood around and looked progressively more awkward every time the camera cut back to him.
“He’s so adorable,” Whit cooed to Lauren, clearly NOT referring to Alex but the grimy singer-songwriter on stage.
Adam immediately leaned over and told the girls, “I call him ‘The Serenader.’ He just serenades.” Wow, pretty creative nickname there. He then added, “Oh, and this here is my buddy Jack. We call him ‘The Worker.’ He just works. And this is my friend Gil. We call him ‘The Driver’ because he drives a lot. And he’s our hired driver. Oh, and that guy over there is ‘The Croissanter.’ He likes croissants.”
Okay, he didn’t say all that, but Whitney nonetheless was charmed. “That’s so cute!” she said, revealing her penchant for very literal nicknames.
Meanwhile, The Awkwarder — a.k.a. Alex — finally approached Whitney and said hi, inviting her to join him and his friends in another section of the restaurant. However, she immediately rebuffed him with an excuse, saying that she didn’t want to leave poor Lauren alone. She then added, “Plus, I HATE you.”

“Okay, so I’m gonna sit over there, and if you could just stay here and not talk to me the rest of the night, that would be great!”

A bit later, The Serenader himself walked over to the table and introduced himself to everyone. His name was Jay, and guess what? He was an Aussie! Looks like I get to break out my slang again! Stone the crows! OY!
Anyway, Serenader Jay stepped away for a moment (perhaps he went on walkabout), and in his absence, the girls conferred on the quality of his aesthetic appearance. It was agreed: he was hot. Specifically, “He is so hot. SO hot.” Sounds like if he plays his cards right, he might be able to get his joey in Whitney’s kangaroo.
Back in Los Angeles, Spencer and Heidi arrived at hotspot The Kress to celebrate her first free night. And what did they do? They both bought two bottles of water. What sort of celebration is that? The whole point was that they could go out and party and drink without consequence, but whatever. Questioning their logic accomplishes just about as much as using old spaghetti to open mail. (Like that? A very forced analogy, but it was the first that came to me).
Anyway, two seconds after arriving at the club, Spencer spotted Brent Bolthouse across the way. I guess that’s what’ll happen when you go to a BRENT BOLTHOUSE EVENT (I base this on the fact that Brent later stated that he had to get “back to work”). Against Heidi’s wishes, Spencer approached Brent, and for sure I thought we’d wind up with some sort of embarrassing, uncomfortable confrontation, but instead Spencer was actually apologetic in tone, asking the trendy little man in the silly hat to give Heidi her job back.
“She’s been working with you for four years now,” Spencer said, adding an extra year of employment to her CV just for kicks. The tactic didn’t seem work, however, as Brent suddenly got all sassy and said, “This isn’t even a conversation for me and you to have. I don’t even know you.” Mmmhmmm sistah. You tell him!
Ultimately, Brent rebuffed Spencer, saying the whole conversation made him a little uncomfortable, to be honest. You know, the same way it feels uncomfortable for people who try to go to Brent’s clubs and bars and get rejected at the door. Brent shouldn’t have to feel that way, which is why he finally declared that he wanted Spencer to stay away from all his stuff.

“Do you mind if I kiss you right now?”

“I’d like that very much.”

Back in New York, Lauren was busy pushing Whitney to go after her new crush from Oz. Whit, however, didn’t want to be too forward — so flashing the vag was out of the question, sadly. Meanwhile, poor Alex watched from afar as the love of his life continued to flirt with the greasy-haired singer. Don’t worry, Alex. There are other fish in the sea. Granted, they may all think you’re a pussy now, but you never know!
As for the nascent lovebirds, a not too bright Jay revealed to Whit that he was from Australia, causing her to say, “I could kind of tell.”
“How?” he asked, totally seriously. You’d have thought it was the first time a Sheila had told him he had an accent. Nevertheless, the two continued to flirt, with Jay ultimately inviting Whitney to come out “after” (ie. let’s DO IT). Whit resisted at first, saying that she had to wake up early for a flight back to LA, but Jay noted that she could sleep on the plane. No arguing with that! Whitney returned to Lauren to tell her the situation (because, you see, NOW it was okay to leave her alone) while across the bar, Alex his female friend, “I’m really losing steam with this whole thing.” He then added, “Can’t you tell? Doesn’t my monotone voice express the depth of my rage? I could stare sadly for hours now!”

“Maybe if I just stare passively she’ll come back to me.”

Anyway, Whitney sat down with Lauren and babbled away excitedly, saying “He is so adorable. I just wanna like…” And with that, she trailed off, but I think we all know the rest of the sentence: “DO HIM.”
After the break, we headed back to the Kress in Los Angeles where Heidi was now contemplating saying something to Brent. Quite the exciting story going on here: Heidi and Spencer wake up, Heidi and Spencer go to a party, Spencer says something to Brent, and now Heidi says something to Brent. Anyway, Spencer encouraged Heidi to talk to Brent, noting that she “can’t get fired twice” (especially from a job that never even existed in the first place).
Well, Heidi ambled up to Brent and apologized for Spencer, causing Brent to remark, “Your boyfriend is a nightmare. What’s wrong with you?” Welcome to three years ago, Brent.
He continued: “Don’t you know that you are the company that you keep?” Again, something Brent should have thought about before he hired Heidi Montag.
Nevertheless, Heidi groveled like crazy to get her job back, and Brent finally relented, saying he would talk to Sam about it. Obviously, she’ll be reinstalled at SBE. Someone like Brent Bolthouse will gladly welcome the fame of The Hills, even if it means employing a total idiot at his company.
Back in NYC, Alex’s friend told him that if he just left the bar, Whitney would come back to him, but we all knew that a) Alex would never leave, and b) even if he did, she wouldn’t follow. Whitney was totally enamored with her Crocodile Dumb-dee (get it?), and she wasn’t interested in anyone else. For all intents and purposes, Alex was about as popular as a blowie at a butcher’s picnic, oy!
Well, in an effort to win Whitney back, Alex marched up to her and quietly asked if she could talk to him — you know, if she had a second or two. Way to be bold. If you’re gonna be a cockblock, just commit to it. Don’t ask politely for a few moments of her time and then walk away. Well, Whitney confessed to Jay that she really didn’t want to talk to Alex, and when he asked if he was her ex, she shook her head reassuringly and said “It’s just this guy…”
Ouch.
Just this guy? Consider Alex’s chances with Wh-wh-wh-Whitney DUNZO.
“Let’s steer clear of that guy!” Jay suggested.
“Yeah!” Whitney replied, before having a mild pang of guilt and saying, “I feel bad. I should say bye to him really fast and—” But Jay cut her off, telling her that she didn’t have to say bye at all. And with that, the Aussie and his Sheila left the restaurant. If I were Alex, I would have chucked a wobbly, I say! Instead, when his buddy told him that Whitney had just walked out with another dude, Alex tried to rationalize it, saying, “I don’t really think that’s exactly what’s going on.” He then added, “The producers specifically told me that she would be coming back to me. I don’t understand.”

“That bloke Alex certainly got the rough end of the pineapple! But I won’t break a sweat about it. I’ll be as dry as a pommy’s towel! OY!”

But alas, it appears as though Alex has been left high and dry. I imagine this won’t be the last we’ll see of him though, as he’ll most likely return on Whitney’s upcoming spin-off show. Until then, I’ve been left with a somewhat unpleasant impression of Whit-Whit. I didn’t quite like the way she just gave Alex the cold shoulder. It’s within her right, sure, but her actions just made her seem incredibly bitchy, which was made all the worse by her seemingly sweet and bubbly personality. Of course, I’m sure we don’t know the full story. Maybe Alex was totally annoying off camera. Maybe he was a jerk. Or maybe he was just too boring. Either way, Whitney could have handled it better. Or could she have? What do you think?