HILLS RECAP: The Grossest Rumor of All Time

After a few episodes of wishy-washy drama, The Hills heated up this week with the bombshell rumor that Lauren had hooked up with resident hobo Justin Bobby. No one was more shocked than Lauren herself, who adamantly denied the accusation — or non-accusation, as it were — to the point where she wound up crying in public. How embarrassing. Audrina, meanwhile, was determined to get to the bottom of these shenanigans, even if it meant turning into a crazed psycho bitch and making life miserable for LC and JB. Of course, I had less sympathy for the frustration J-Bobbs felt because he’s toyed with Aud for so long that it’s about time he felt some true heat from her about something. Heck, he’s even hooked up with other girls right in front of her. Maybe it’s possible that his gossipy friend Dino, who started all this mess, confused with Lauren with perhaps some other blonde in LA. Either way, the damage has been done, and after cursing out all parties involved, it looks as though Audrina might have caused a few irreparable rifts (a bitter interview on Ellen surely didn’t help either). So yeah, awesome episode!

The big shew opened up at Epic Records where Audrina confessed to an already-over-it Chiara that she’d had a most difficult week. Chi-Chi sympathized, noting “You haven’t been yourself today.” She then added, “You know, you haven’t droned on about Justin Bobby for well over ten minutes.”
Okay, she didn’t say that, but instead she listened intently as Audrina spilled the beans on her sour mood. And what, pray tell, was harrowing our dear starlet? Turns out some guy named Dino (never trust a man named after a Flintstones pet) had told Audrina that Justin Bobby had hooked up with… wait for it… wait for it…. LAUREN.
GASP!
Well, that was more Chiara’s reaction, not mine. I, of course, had read all about this last month when the shit hit the fan and Lauren and Audrina commenced a war of words in the tabloids (see aforementioned Ellen clip). It was only a matter of time before we saw all the drama unfold on TV. Of course, the Ellen episode aired on October 8th, and several scenes from previous episodes took place after that; so the real life Hills timeline is all screwy, but try not to get too caught up with that stuff. It takes away all the fun.
Anyway, Audrina explained that when she heard the news, she called up Lauren, who denied any hanky panky and then hung up the phone. This was followed up with a hostile text message that said “OMG!! UR A PIG!” Oh, sorry, that was just LC’s AT&T commercial. No, instead Lauren texted something to the effect of “It really hurts me that you would say something like that.” I can see her point. Accusing her of hooking up with Justin Bobby is like going up to any random girl and saying, “Hey, I heard you FUCKED A BUM last night.”
As for JB’s side of the story, well, there was none. He had been unsurprisingly mute about the whole situation. “Justin can’t even give me the respect of calling me and telling me this never happened,” Audrina said, erroneously implying that Justin ever gives her any sort of respect whatsoever.
Not knowing what else to say, Chiara told Audrina “Well, I’m sorry to hear that.” Great. THANKS. Nothing sadder than a sidekick who’s given up trying to impress her Master.
Soon, Audrina broke down in tears, forcing Chiara to stand up and hug her right in the middle of the Epic Records dining courtyard. How awkward and embarrassing. Luckily, the surge of emotion finally passed, and Chiara returned to her seat. She did not, however, have anything else to offer her Master. “I can’t give anyone anymore advice than that,” Chiara said, adding, “Actually, it’s more like I just don’t want to. So… are we good here? I forgot to update my status on Facebook, and I’m afraid all my friends still think I’m ‘hating morning traffic, grrrr!'”
We then watched the opening credits and learned the damning name for this episode: “YOU DID THIS.” Ouch. Just reading that even I felt a pinch of guilt, and all I was doing was watching! Well, as a remake of the classic ’80s hit “Rumors” played on the soundtrack, we headed over to Lauren’s house where our star came stomping into Lo’s room, all frazzled and upset — enough to turn her face uncharacteristically shiny.
“She’s crazy,” Lauren announced to a somewhat confused Lo. Soon, however, the sidekick caught on and tried to suppress a smile as her one time roommate and rival for Lauren’s admiration fell from grace before her eyes. LC explained the whole sordid tale to us, dwelling on Audrina’s supposedly ludicrous assertion that Lauren had hooked up with Justin Bobby. Lo, of course, dismissed it all by calling it “laughable,” which seemed about right. Actualy, “disgusting” is a word I’d be more apt to use.
Both girls then agreed that Lauren AND Justin Bobby would never engage in such illicit activities, causing LC to comment that the accusation was insulting on “so many different levels” (mostly the hygienic ones, I might add). Amusingly, Lauren then said “Yes, Audrina, I couldn’t resist his charm, his manners, and his impeccable hygiene.” Damn, she totally stole my joke. That’s okay. There are more than enough Justin-Bobby-hygiene punchlines to go around for all.
Anyway, after cracking the joke about Justin Bobby’s cleanliness (or lack thereof), Lauren’s face swiftly dropped from bemused satisfaction to instant rage as she continued to delve into the unfolding scandal. Turns out Audrina had gone positively nuts, calling up Brody and Frankie about the situation. And we all know those two rocket scientists did nothing to calm things down. Nevertheless, Lauren finally declared “Unless she apologizes to me, I’m done. I’m so done.” Good. Let’s make Audrina the new villain and get rid of Speidi.
Speaking of Speidi, we then zipped over to the gruesome twosome’s apartment where Spencer was in the midst of an exceptionally busy day. Yes, he was weighed down with the almighty task of toasting some bread. It’s like the work never ends! I hope he gets a vacation soon.
Well, as compelling as this Hamilton Beach interlude was, Spencer was torn away from his toasting activities when he heard a knock at the door. “Who is it?” he asked, leaving me to wonder why he never asked this question when this unseen person first called up on the apartment complex intercom. You’d think he wouldn’t wait for the anonymous visitor to reach his door before requesting a name, but I guess to each his own. Nevertheless, the person at the door turned out to be none other than Holly, the shunned sister who had recently taken up residence at Casa Conrad, much to Speidi’s displeasure.
“If it isn’t Little Miss Traitor,” Spencer said, perhaps forgetting that it was he who had directly sent Holly into the arms of Lauren. Holls, however, ignored Spencer’s stupidity and asked where her sister was (probably should have called ahead). Unsurprisingly, Spencer stonewalled her, saying that Heidi wasn’t at the apartment and didn’t want to see Holly anyway. The veracity of this comment was highly questionable, and honestly, I kind of expected Heidi to waltz out of the shower at that very moment, but alas, she was a no show. Holly asked Spencer to tell Heidi that she had stopped by, causing him to balk, “I’ll be like ‘Hey that girl that moved in with LC came by, but we didn’t have anything in our fridge for her; so she left.'” This, of course, coming from the guy whose entire cause d’être seems to be finding ways to capitalize on his girlfriend’s (now wife’s) MTV fame.
Nevertheless, Spencer then proceeded to dole out one of the more ridiculous guilt trips in recent memory by complaining that Heidi had to hear about Holly’s new living situation through Stephanie — the implication being that Holly wasn’t polite enough to tell Heidi herself. Who gives a shit? I mean, seriously. Could Heidi really have been that offended? Never mind that Heidi kicked her own sister out in order to make the biggest douche in Hollywood happy. She didn’t deserve a call after that. But I bet had Holly actually given Heidi a heads up, Spencer would have spun it as “Little Miss Traitor just called to throw her friendship with LC in our faces!” Inconsolable, I tell you!
Well, Spencer then stated that he and Heidi shared something very special: “unloyal” sisters (as opposed to “disloyal” sisters). Holly refuted the charge, saying that she and Steph always had Heidi’s best interests in mind, and with nothing really to say to that, Spencer muttered something sarcastic about Holly knowing “what’s up.”
Thankfully, the scene ended before my blood could come to a total boil, and we moved back to Lauren’s abode where we heard the sound of the doorbell echo through the household.
“DOOR’S OPEN,” snapped an angry Lauren, who somehow resisted the impulse to yell, “Get the FUCK in here, you BITCH!”
Well, Audrina walked into the kitchen, and the girls merely stared at each other with nasty, “I hate you” glares. It was awesome.
“You need to, like, converse with me,” Audrina said, perhaps not realizing that as the one calling for this summit, it was she who was supposed to start the ball rolling. Anyway, Lauren was not about to be accused of being an arbitrary non-converser. There was a reason she was being so silent: “Until you treat me like a friend,” she said, “I’m not going to treat you like one.” OUCH. No love lost between these two. Thank goodness Aud was out of the dungeon. Otherwise this would have been mighty awkward.
Anyway, Audrina said she’d heard some effed up rumors and then point blank asked Lauren, “Did you hook up with Justin or not?”
And here’s the real shocker: Lauren didn’t say no!
To be fair, she didn’t say yes either. Instead, Lauren just rolled her eyes incredulously and told Audrina she was insane. BUT DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT HOOK UP WITH JUSTIN BOBBY???
I personally have a hard time thinking she did. I mean, it just doesn’t make sense. She’s pretty. He’s a walking pig sty. She articulates full thoughts. He thinks “dude” can be used as a noun, verb, adjective, and preposition — all in the same sentence. There’s no way they could have hooked up.
And yet LC didn’t say no. Or at least, we didn’t see her say no (editing?).
“You can believe whatever you want,” Lauren stated, “but please stop talking shit about me to other people and calling them.” I guess this request was entirely too much for Audrina because next thing we knew, she was storming out of the house. So much for that. It’s amazing that someone can get so incensed and still have the same blank expression on their face. I guess that’s what happens when your head is made of wax.
After the break, we found ourselves at Audrina’s house, which appeared to finally be in order. And by “order” I mean “overrun by large, exotic plants.” Yes, Aud had a veritable rain forest going on in her living room, and I’m surprised she didn’t need a satellite phone just to get a signal from beneath the dense canape that had overrun her domicile. Then again, I suppose that wouldn’t even work. Nevertheless, Audrina placed a call to Justin Bobby, and since he shockingly didn’t answer, she left a rambling voicemail saying how she was freaking out over all these rumors and blah blah blah. I had a feeling this was a reenactment of a previous voicemail, and I’m sure that previous voicemail was filled with a bit more vitriol and rage. But for now, we’d just have to make do with this listless performance.
Over at SBE, none other than Holly entered the offices and clip-clopped along the floor just like her younger sister, who, we quickly discovered, had been DEMOTED TO A CUBICLE!!! Somewhere, Elodie was snickering. Anyway, Holly asked her sis what she was up to, and a somber Heidi replied that she was just working. Translation: “I’m trying to figure out how to work this mouse. Am I supposed to shake it?”
Anyway, the two sisters continued to speak in hushed, sad tones, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d think they were attending a wake. Perhaps they were mourning the death of Heidi’s fake office. Nevertheless, the girls walked over to a random hallway to talk privately, and Holly immediately announced that she had felt super hurt by the whole living situation blowup and had never felt so unwanted. Heidi, however, defended herself by saying she’d done nothing but try to best the best possible sister to her (by way of KICKING HER OUT ONTO THE STREET). Then, proving she’s been around Spencer entirely too long, Heidi tried to pull some sort of guilt trip, saying “And then I hear from Stephanie that you’re living with Lauren. Do you know how badly that hurts me?” Oh get over it. I think it hurts Holly and her family a whole lot more that Heidi’s living with Spencer. To paraphrase Beyoncé, if you liked Holly, you should have put a sister-ring on her.
Luckily Holly countered with some good old fashioned logic and bluntly stated that Heidi left her no choice but to stay with Lauren. END OF STORY. Funny how actions in life have consequences.
Holly then focused her wrath on Spencer, saying “I feel like if you have someone who loves you so much, then they want every part of your life to be great, and he’s been doing nothing but push everybody away; push all your friends away!” (Invisible high five to Holls!)
To her credit, Heidi had a very well-stated comeback: “No, he doesn’t.”
Hey, Heidi. Real quick. How many friends do you have? 0. How many family members are not pissed at you? 0. How much self-respect do you still have left? 0.
Anyway, Holly then asked Heidi if Spencer had informed her that she’d stopped by the other day, and while Heidi didn’t really respond with anything, we could tell she’d had no idea about the visit. Then again, that confused look could have just been Heidi thinking about a balloon she once saw stuck in a bush.
That night, we found Justin Bobby sitting at a bar, his hair all slicked up like some ’50s greaser. It would have been a somewhat intriguing look for him had we not had the gnawing sense that no hair product was used. Anyway, Audrina soon joined him at his greasy side and immediately grilled him about Lauren. “Me and Lauren,” he said. “Well, what is there to talk about?” Um, A LOT.
“You think after all this I would run and hook up with Lauren?” he then asked, perhaps forgetting that it was he who once kissed a girl at a club right in front of Aud many moons ago, and it was he who demanded a “hall pass” on a recent trip to Mexico. So yeah, it was entirely possible that he might engage in some extracurricular activities.
Well, Justin Bobby denied any and all accusations. I can’t remember exactly what he said because I was distracted by the fact that not a single button on his shirt was buttoned, despite being in a relatively nice restaurant. Douche.
J-Bobbs then managed to flip the whole conversation on Audrina, saying “You can’t talk to me the way you’ve talked to me… I would never talk to you the way you talked to me.” To be fair, he’s most likely referring to the fact that Audrina spoke an entire sentence that involved more than six words… and no mumbles… or grandiose proclamations about society… or general fidgeting.
Justin Bobby then performed a neat re-enaction of the real voicemail Audrina had left for him. It went something like this: “You asshole! I fuckin’ hate you! You fuckin’ used me!” Pretty sweet if I do say so myself. Maybe next time he shouldn’t let the poor girl sit in the dark for five days with nothing but crazy thoughts in her head. Ultimately, he accused Audrina of being immature — which may or may not have been true, but it certainly rang of the pot calling the kettle black. Amusingly though, when Audrina mentioned that she’d talked to Lauren about the situation, Justin Bobby became totally unhinged, laughing nervously and reaching for a sip of water. He looked, dare I say, like a guilty, guilty man. It was almost as if he expected the bottom to fall out right then and there.
But luckily for him, he was not busted; so instead he just turned the tables on Audrina again, saying “You’re pleading like you’re so innocent about this.” Well, um, she kind of is! Yeah, she may have turned into a raving lunatic, but when no one can give the poor girl a straight answer, it’s somewhat understandable. Ultimately, Justin Bobby declared that he was leaving, but before he stepped away, he attacked, “You put something in your head, and you really believe it when it’s really FICTITIOUS!” Ooooh. Looks like somebody finally made good use of his Word of the Day!
After the break, we caught up with Lauren as she stepped inside a café to dine with a ghastly pale Stephanie Pratt. It only took about two seconds before Steph admitted that she knew about the brewing scandal with Audrina, causing LC’s jaw to promptly drop. “No way…” she said incredulously. Well, it was on Ellen.
However, Audrina had apparently texted Steph about the situation, and this completely rankled Lauren who couldn’t believe Audrina would think such things of her after knowing her for so many years. The shock! Stephanie, of all people, weighed in with the logic reasoning behind Audrina’s crazed behavior: “That’s because Justin has hooked up with Audrina’s friends.” EGGGGZActly.
Well, in what could on promise to be a disaster in waiting, Lauren revealed that she was supposed to meet Audrina at local bar Winston’s later to patch things up. I’d like to know who made the boneheaded decision to go to a public place for what clearly would be a teary-eyed confrontation. I’m already embarrassed for both of these girls.
Nevertheless, Lauren predicted that despite any conversations that might be had, there would be no coming back from this fight. “Why would I want a friend like that?” she asked. “She doesn’t even trust me!” To which Steph replied, “Yeah, that’s kind of the way I feel about you and how you never trust me. But I keep you as a friend anyway because let’s face it, I’m not trustworthy. And I really have no one else.”
Over at Speidi’s neck of the woods, Heidi returned to her apartment to find Spencer standing alone in the kitchen. Perhaps he was still waiting for that toast to be ready (hint: press the “on” button). Anyway, Heidi complained about her cubicle, causing Spencer to justifiably laugh. “You couldn’t understand,” Heidi moped back. She was kind of right. As far as I can tell, I’m not sure Spencer has ever held down a real job. Nevertheless, Heidi then asked Spencer if he’d run into anyone or seen anyone that day, but he just shrugged and said no. If this was an attempt to elicit some sort of comment about Holly, Spencer seemed to be asking truthfully. After all, Heidi merely asked about that day when in fact according to the show’s timeline, Holly had stopped by two or three days prior. So really this interrogation was pointless, much like most of the Speidi scenes.
Meanwhile, over at Audrina’s jungle dojo, sister Casey sat patiently on a couch and listen to her sister vent about the situation. Audrina admitted that when she stormed out of Lauren’s house, she wasn’t quite ready to talk yet, but now she was. This prompted the most sage words of advice in the entire episode, perhaps the whole season: “I think it’s time that everyone needs to grow up,” Casey said. Amen, sister. I think it’s time that Casey and Holly got their own spin-off where all they do is make sensible decisions and roll their eyes at their dimwitted friends and relatives.
We then headed over to Winston’s that night where Lauren sat with none other than Lo (who must have been LOVING this) and waited for Audrina. The girls complained about how their former roomie had gone around town “running her mouth” (a.k.a. talking smack on Ellen), causing Lo to ask, “Why would you do something like that?” C’mon, Lo. Say something bitchy! Let Loaf out!!!
Well, Audrina finally arrived and from the outset, things were prickly. “I never accused you, Lauren!” Audrina said, adding, “I only highly, highly suggested that maybe, perhaps most certainly, you DID IT with my boyfriend.”
Okay, she didn’t say that last part, but she did go on a whole thing about “How would you feel if you heard these rumors?” etc. etc.. This, of course, prompted Lauren to engage in her “I’m so insulted” thing, and Lo just sucked on a straw, defying herself to not level a withering glare at her rival.
Nevertheless, the conversation continued in circles, with Audrina asking, “How do you think I felt when IIIII heard that?”
This caused Lauren to reply, “Do you understand what you’re accusing me of?” But wait! She’s not accusing you! Argument FAIL!
Eventually, LC engaged in her favorite tactic: friend guilt. “You’re supposed to believe me because I’m a friend, and I’ve never been anything BUT to you!” For Pete’s sake, Audrina, she brought you onto her television show! HER TELEVISION SHOW!!!
Lauren then asked what she’d done to make Audrina not trust her, and Aud actually called the bluff: “You want me to sit here and make you a list?” Ohhhhhhh SNAP! This was gettin’ good!
“You guys have been flirting before…” Audrina started, and yes, this WAS an accusation. It kind of smelled like BS to me, and no one was more offended by the insinuation than LC who absolutely flipped out.
And that’s when the truth came out:
“I WOULD RATHER KILL MYSELF THAN HOOK UP WITH HIM,” Lauren said, causing roaring cackles to escape from my body. “He is disgusting. Justin is disgusting.” But hey, Audrina, no offense or anything.
With nothing really to say to that, Audrina tried to divert the argument, saying she was here to talk, not yell and get into a huge fight. Probably should have thought about that before she made ridiculous claims.
“I came here to resolve things, Lauren, not to keep pointing my fingers at you,” Aud said, adding, “So I’ll ask you ten more times: did you hook up with Justin Bobby?” Okay, she didn’t say that last part, but as much as Audrina kept saying she wanted resolution, she didn’t seem like she’d be happy until she got the answer — an admission of guilt — from Lauren that she wanted. LC, meanwhile, was on the verge of losing it. Correction: she lost it.
“Do you understand that YOU DID THIS? I didn’t do anything!” Lauren said as tears rolled down her cheeks.
“You’re doing the same thing you did to Heidi to me,” Audrina said. It didn’t really make sense, and oh by the way, using the “H” word? Not smart. As expected, this truly riled up Lauren, who seethed, “No, I’m not because you’re WAY worse than Heidi.” SNAP! Point to Lauren.
“No, I’m fucking not!” Audrina said, employing the sort of meager defense that would befit, well, Heidi.
“You know me,” Lauren said repeatedly, but it was no use. Audrina merely shrugged it off with a cold and callous “Apparently not,” and then oddly enough, she rose from the table with.. a smile? Can’t she stay in character for one second?
Well, once Audrina was gone, LC hid behind a napkin, blotting her tears and simultaneously crumpling into a weeping sack of sadness. Lo hugged her Master, and on that sad image, the show came to a close. QUITE the scandal.
What do you think about the situation? Do you think Lauren and Justin Bobby hooked up? Did Audrina handle it properly? Will the girls’ friendship ever be repaired?