HILLS RECAP: Smooth Moves?

I identified strongly with this latest episode of The Hills because like Audrina Patridge, I too moved to a new home last week, and also like her, I have wonderful new kitchen. Well, maybe not as gleaming as hers, but considering that none of the appliances seem to predate the Bush administration, I’d say that’s a step in the right direction. Nevertheless, because of my move and subsequent Internet outages and whatnot, I’ve found myself again regrettably tardy with this recap. I fear that I may get lapped by the new episode, a fate that IndianJones has been gleefully anticipating for the past few days. Every time I see him, he warns, “You’re gonna get lapped. You’re gonna get lapped.” Sometimes I wish I could just fire him as a friend much in the same way Brent Bolthouse did to Heidi, but ultimately, there will be no need for that. I’ve got t-minus five hours to take on one of the more eventful episodes of the season. Let’s hope for the best…

Things started off innocently enough as the show opened with the image of Lauren futzing around on her bed. I think she was sorting laundry, but for all we knew, she could have been seeking out her oft-missing cat, Ashes. Having been given a visitor’s pass from her backyard dungeon, Audrina suddenly showed up in the doorway all smiles and veneers. Clearly she had something on her mind as her awkwardness was a bit more pronounced than usual, but like any good sidekick, she had to sit and wait for her Master to make any announcements or declarations. Sure enough, Lauren revealed that she would be going to a rock show that night with Lo. “Aren’t you proud of me?” she asked, adding “If you say no, I’m sending you back to the dungeon.”
Unsurprisingly, Audrina chirped “Yeah!”, which then caused Lauren to yammer on about outfits and whatnot. Aud clearly had no time for this, however, and so she simply cut her Master off with a loud and authoritative “SO…” It was kind of her way of saying, “How about we talk about ME for once, biatch.”
Truth was that Audrina did have something very important to share. She was moving. That’s right, she was leaving her diminutive hovel for a swankier pad elsewhere in the city, and oh, by the way, she’s was gonna be outtie 5000 this weekend. So much for advance notice.
“That was quick,” Lauren stated tersely — and for good reason. Sidekicks can’t just up and LEAVE. There’s protocol to follow; permission to be granted. This was a clear violation of standard sidekick-Master dynamics. No wonder Lauren looked so utterly peeved by Audrina’s news.

“Do you even WANT to be a sidekick anymore?”

Nevertheless, talk soon came around to Justin Bobby and whether or not he’d be moving in. “I’m sure he’ll be there a lot,” Audrina theorized, but she noted that she wasn’t really planning on him moving in. She then added, “I mean, I got him two monogramed keys that say J-Bobs and rerouted his mail to the new address, but other than that, I really hadn’t thought much about it.”
We then cut to the opening credits, and afterwards, we learned the episode’s title: “IT’S HER MOVE.” Get it? Because she’s moving? But it’s also her move in life? And she likes chess?
Anyway, we soon caught up with Heidi, who was strolling along with co-worker Kimberly at the soon to open restaurant, XIV. The Heidester was positively blown away by the establishment’s progress, clucking, “What? Did it take us five months to get this done? Amaaaazing!” Actually, it was longer than five months, and no, it’s not that amazing, especially when you figure that the Empire State Building was erected in just one year. But that’s neither here nor there.
Well, Brent Bolthouse soon arrived with his business partner Sam Nazarian, and the two announced that all the coordinating for XIV’s launch party would go through Heidi. “I’m Mrs. Coordinator,” she said proudly, falsely suggesting that she was a) married, and b) coordinated. Nevertheless, with her new self-adorned title, Heidi quickly got to work coordinating her eventual downfall. “Maybe I’ll invite Spencer,” she told Kimberly, who we’d just have to assume was Madame Coordinator’s Vice Secretary of Coordination Affairs. Of course, Kimbo didn’t have the heart to tell Heidi that such a move would be nothing short of dimwitted; so instead she kind of smiled unevenly and burped out non-commital responses.
“What’s the harm in adding one more to the guest list?” Heidi asked, perhaps forgetting that when Spencer’s involved, he’s not merely just a +1. He’s a +douche.
Heidi then announced plans to invite Audrina and Justin Bobby and Stephanie. Last time I checked, that’s more than just a simple +1. But what do I know? I’m no MRS. COORDINATOR.

“Heidi, you need to be coordinated tonight and furthermo— geez, Brent. Were you always that short?”

Over at People’s Revolution, Lauren arrived at the sweatshop and immediately bestowed compliments on Whitney’s dress, saying that she had a shirt in the exact same material.
“Really?” Whitney replied. “I didn’t know if it was dorky.” BURN! Wow, Whitney really is turning into a power bitch. Kelly Cutrone will be so proud (in an awful, awful sort of way).
LC, however, took no offense in Whitney’s comment, instead jutting her tongue against her upper lip and blithely suggesting that maybe they were both dorks. Hahahaha. Totally. Just two regular dorks… who get into ALL THE HOTTEST CLUBS AND HANG OUT EXCLUSIVELY WITH COOL HOLLYWOOD PEOPLE AND APPEAR ON MAGAZINE COVERS. Lah-hoo, ha-zzzers.
(If Lauren wants to know the true meaning of dork, she can spend an afternoon hanging out with me. Two hours playing Wii and taking pictures of food, and she’ll never say that “D” word again. Of course, she’ll never hang out again either — but at least my point will be made)
Anyway, Lauren then informed Whitney that Audrina was moving out, and the girls, both with long faces and overly concerned expressions, jointly agreed that Aud’s move had better be for the right reasons, not to simply elicit a deeper commitment from Justin Bobby.
Well, speaking of the devil, we then travelled to the annoyingly named restaurant Cafe Wa s (the space between the “a” and the “s” is intentional) where Audrina cooed “This is cute!” as she settled into her booth.
“Everywhere we go is cute, dude,” Justin Bobby countered. WELL. That’s certainly a bold statement to make. And kind of a silly one too. It might be nice though to feel like you’re in an all-encompassing environment of perpetual cuteness.
Anyway, Audrina babbled on about her house, to which Justin Bobby only replied with his new favorite response: a lilting and curious “Yeah?” Eventually, he did change things up when he told Aud, “Awesome. I want to see it.”
“I know,” she replied. “I want to show it to you.” She then added, “AND MAKE YOU LIVE IN IT.”
Okay, she didn’t say that last part, but she did admit that she didn’t know if she wanted to live by herself (HINT HINT, J-Bobs). Just thinking out loud here, but shouldn’t that have been something Audrina should have thought about BEFORE purchasing A HOUSE???

“I’m not sure I think this place is that cute.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, I like it, but…”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know…”

“Yeah?”

“….”

“Yeah?”

Audrina then stopped beating around the bushes and flat-out asked Justin Bobby, “Do you want to move in? Maybe?”
“Let it just happen and see what happens,” J-Bobs replied. Translation: “Remember when I said that ten percent of the time, things with us are pretty right on? Yeah, well, this is one of those other ten percent times.”
With a look on Audrina’s face that seemed to say “Oh shit…”, we then headed to commercial, and when we returned, we found ourselves at the new house as Aud and her sister Casey walked in the front door.
“It’s this awesome? Isn’t it pretty?” Audrina asked eagerly.
“OH MY GODDD!!!” Casey gushed, despite only being able to see a narrow staircase and some blank walls. Look, the girl likes a decent stairwell. What’s so wrong with that? Nevertheless, Casey continued to effusively spout about the new digs. “I can’t believe it!” she said. “Your own house!!” Yes, who would have thunk a lowly worker at Epic Records could ever afford such a palatial manse. It’s almost as if she doesn’t work there but instead derives her income from, I don’t know, some huge pop cultural fixture. But I’m just talkin’ crazy again!
Well, with her sister still slack-jawed, Audrina commenced the tour. She waved her arm limply and revealed “This is gonna be like when you first walk in.” Yes, that IS what entryways are for. I’m shocked she didn’t then drag her sister into the bathroom and announce “And this is where you go to the bathroom. I call it a ‘bathroom.'”
Nevertheless, Audrina and her sister ascended upwards, but not before a fair warning: “There’s a lot of stairs,” Aud said, “but it’s gonna be a good butt work out!” Tell that to the movers. I’m sure they’ll be pleased to know THAT…

“See that camera man up there? I’m gonna DO HIM.”

Anyway, the girls arrived on the first floor where Audrina’s tour of the obvious continued. “This is the first level,” she declared, just in case Casey had maybe lost track. The sisters then moved into the kitchen, and holy moly was it big and amazing. I was instantly jealous, an emotion that was soon replaced by sadness — as in, I was sad that people might come to Los Angeles, get a job as an assistant in the music industry, and then expect that they could live like this after a year. Oh, MTV. The heartbreaking messages you send to today’s youth!
Well, Audrina then expressed her intentions for the house’s decor, saying, “I want to decorate it, like, all romantic.” Hopefully these plans included no provisions for a champagne glass hot tub, but given some of Aud’s previous judgment calls, I’m not ruling out anything.
Helping to create that romantic ambiance would certainly be Justin Bobby, who, according to Audrina could now come over and “just hang out” without it being awkward. (a.k.a. now they could have sex.)
Audrina then mentioned that she was looking forward to not tiptoeing around the other girls and worrying about waking them or the dog up. Instead, she and Justin Bobby could “rekindle that flame again.” (a.k.a. now they could have LOUD sex.)
Picking up on Audrina’s unspoken words, Casey went googly-eyed and let out a scandalized “Ooooo…” That’s right, Casey. Audrina and Justin Bobby are totally gonna DO IT. And probably right where you’re standing too.
Nevertheless, Aud took this opportunity to wax philosophical, noting “You know what I mean? Whenever you’re with someone more, you almost become…”
“Closer?” Casey replied. Consider my mind BLOWN. Who would have known that when two people spend time together, their relationship actually grows? Yes, the profound thoughts are coming fast and furious at the Patridge residence. I can’t even imagine what contributions Justin Bobby will make when he finally shows up.
Over at the old house, Lauren and Lo sat at their similarly impressive kitchen and stared at their pet fish, Cleo. That’s right — they have a fish named Cleo and a dog named Chloe. Do they even KNOW any other phonics? Next they’re gonna get a bird and name it Oakley. Anyway, the two girls doted on their piscine guest, with Lauren warmly cooing, “Cleo is a GOOD pet.” Ahem, ASHES? Must I remind you of your faithful, feline friend?

“Bitches.”

Well, all this attention lavished on the damn fish was nice and all, but Lo couldn’t help but feel distracted. “I was thinking about Audrina today,” she said, adding, “I really do think I hate her.”
Oh, I kid. Loaf didn’t say that. In fact, Loaf hasn’t been particularly Loafy of late. She’s been more Classic Loâ„¢, the one we fell in love with four years ago. Anyway, Lo said she felt bad about the Audrina situation, commenting, “Just that it didn’t turn out like we hoped it would in the very beginning.” She then added, “You know, because I was such a massive bitch to her.”
Okay, okay. Lo didn’t say that. She did seem genuinely contrite — at least as far as Audrina was concerned. As for Justin Bobby, the two girls just continued their (deserved) mockery of him. “Oh Justin Bobby,” Lo sighed, causing Lauren to remark, “A man so great he needed two names.” Whoa! Did Lauren just make a funny? I think she did! High-five, Laur-daddy!
Lo then fretted, “I don’t know if he’s ever going to forgive me for naming him Justin Bobby.” He won’t, but who cares? He’s JUSTIN BOBBY. It’s his own damn fault for wanting to be called two different names. And he’s sort of an idiot. AND it’s one of the greatest things to ever come out of this show. Be proud, Lo. Be proud.
The girls then pondered whether or not the move would affect Lauren’s friendship with Audrina (most likely), and then we zipped off to XIV for the big launch party (which was only a few weeks ago — get the inside scoop about the ensuing Hills filming at Eater LA). Heidi and Kimberly waltzed through the masses, with The Heidester noting that the chandelier was hung, the tent was up, and therefore everything was under control. Mrs. Coordinator at your service!
Since apparently her only duties that evening were to oversee chandelier and tent operations, Heidi declared her work done and decided to get a drunk. Or three. In a flurry of activity, we saw the arrival of both tequila shots (sans lime, the horror) and Heidi’s posse, which included Spencer, Audrina, Justin, Casey, and Stephanie. Loud squawking and yammering ensued, and when Spencer learned that Audrina was finally moving out, he joyfully raised his glass and toasted to her. He then drunkenly asked Justin Bobby if he’d be moving in with his lovely lady, and before we got a response, Spence practically assaulted Heidi with a barrage of grosses kisses — the kind more likely to come from an old Jewish grandmother than a preening douchebag.

“My forehead just grew five inches!”

Well, the entire group was most certainly blazed — especially Heidi who had become hyper and shrill — but one person who was in a completely opposite state of mind was Sam Nazarian, who most likely caught the tail-end of Heidi proclaiming, “I’m so wasted! I’m so wasted!”
“Are we still working here tonight?” he asked, to which Heidi brazenly replied, “Are you?” Wow. Clearly Sam hadn’t checked Heidi’s daily planner:  it clearly states “9 AM start work” and “6 PM stop work.” Why was he so confused?
Making matters worse, Spencer then turned to Sam and asked, “Would you like a shot?” Idiots on parade here tonight. I couldn’t even imagine having a girlfriend or boyfriend saying such a thing to a clearly annoyed superior, let alone the head of the whole company.

“Do me a favor, Heidi. Get this jackass out of my face.”

As you can imagine, this did not go over well. Kimberly swiftly grabbed Heidi and marched her away to work, and as we headed off to commercial, the cameras caught an instant classic shot of Spencer slurping his drink and smiling proudly as if he’d just accomplished something positively wonderful with his life. In a word: amazing.
After the break, we found Lauren and Stephanie moseying across the FIDM campus, talking about Audrina’s impending move. LC explained how she had to separate her cookbooks from Aud’s (I thought Lauren didn’t cook), causing Steph to ask, “Why’d you separate them?”
“She’s moving!” Lauren replied, adding, “You IDIOT.”
LC then reiterated how quick the whole process seemed to be, and when Stephanie confessed that Audrina had mentioned it to her, Lauren went insta-cold, saying, “Oh. Did you talk to her?” We could almost see LC reaching for that invisible knife, ready to cut all communication with She-Pratt.
Steph, however, mumbled something about how she talked with Audrina about the move at the XIV event and that Heidi and Spencer were wasted and they seemed like they might start hanging with Aud and J-Bobs more. I believe the term “new crew” was used. Dunh dunh DUNH!!!
Over at SBE, Brent Bolthouse angrily summoned Kimberly into his lair of hipster wrath where he asked her if she’d been drinking at the XIV event.
“I definitely wasn’t,” she said, and just to earn some brownie points, she shamelessly added, “Out of respect for you, I would NEVER do that.” Ease up, sister. We know you’re innocent. No need to fellate Brent. Personally, I’m a bit shocked Kimberly wasn’t fired. Not because she did anything wrong but because it’s always the disposable sidekicks who always get the heave-ho on The Hills (cough, Elodie and Jessica, cough cough).
Anyway, Heidi was called into Brent’s office next, and as she clip-clopped into his office, I’m sure she thought everything would be fine and dandy. After all, she full-on stood up both of her fake bosses in Vegas when they gave her that fake opportunity at the end of last season. If she survived that, then she was pretty much impervious to any sort of job firing.
Or so I thought.
Sam laid into Heidi about being drunk at the event, going so far as to say, “I can’t have you visibly intoxicated and drunk in front of my partner.” He also chided Heidi for inviting Spencer (let’s face it, the real offense). “I don’t really have much of a choice. Get your bag, get your stuff. I’m firing you.” Ouch. All these years of fuck-ups, and this is what gets Heidi the boot? Something tells me Brent just got sick of all his hipster friends ragging on him for associating with Speidi.
Well, Heidi let out a quiet “I’m sorry,” to which Brent replied, “I’m sorry too.” (translation: “I’m sorry that we won’t have anyone to make fun of at the water cooler anymore.”) And with that, the last fake job from season one came to an end. Who would have thought that Heidi would have stayed longer at her fake job than any of the other girls?
Elsewhere in Hollywood, we watched as two movers hauled Audrina’s junk into a truck. Awww… moving day. We then headed inside her place, and WTF??? She was hardly packed!! Did she not prepare ahead of time? Nothing was in boxes! NOTHING! To be fair, Audrina was packing… very sloowwwwly. The cameras lingered on her as she listlessly placed an alarmingly large number of Crest items into a box. That’s right, people. Product placement! Audrina’s Move, brought to you by Crest! Makes sense, really. She does have some of the largest and whitest teeth on television.
Busting up this special tartar control moment was LC, who poked her head in presumably to say hi and was immediately put to work. After .3 seconds of packing, the girls immediately fell off track as Audrina reminisced, “We did a lot of stuff in the past two years.” Yeah, you know, like staring blankly at each other and zoning out and sighing and stuff. The two totally cheesed out, saying that they wouldn’t be able to cry on the kitchen floor anymore (cut to their parents rolling their eyes: “Why the hell did we buy you that couch then???”). Ultimately, Lauren commented, “I can’t believe you’re moving. That happened really fast.” She then added, “As in, the standard etiquette is to give two weeks notice. As in, you’re lucky I’m even giving you your security deposit back. As in, you left me in the lurch, you EFFIN BITCH! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!”

“So… once I pack this one item, I’m good, right?”

Okay, maybe Lauren didn’t say any of that, but instead she had to sit and smile as Audrina showed her a picture of Justin-Bobby. Speaking of which, where the hell was he? Shouldn’t he have been helping? “I think he’s working or something,” Audrina muttered. He has a job? As what? A professional not shower-er?
Nevertheless, the girls got all sappy again, saying how they’ve always been there for each other and always will be. “It’s not the end of the story,” Lauren said. “It’s just To Be Continued…” Really? I hate “to be continued…”
And with that, Lauren and Audrina arbitrarily decided that they had finished packing (despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary) and hugged goodbye one last time. The action then migrated outside as the movers loaded more items into the truck. This was followed by more hugs, and at last the grand departure. Audrina had left the building, but LC wasn’t alone. She still had a solid sidekick in Lo, and the two girls marched solemnly back into the house, their friendship no longer fettered by that annoying OTHER GIRL in the back house. Tra la la!

Lo: “And remember, Audrina, if you ever want to come back at any time for any reason whatsoever… DON’T.”

What did you think of the episode? Like Audrina’s house? What about the Heidi situation?