It was all about the boys on this week’s episode of The Hills as Audrina struggled to find love with a perfectly fine Aussie bloke before returning to that perpetual bastion of heartbreak and body odor, Justin Bobby. I guess it’s never easy to get over that special someone, even if his chuckle does show early signs of both black lung and emphysema. It’s too bad, really. Aud had so much chemistry with Cody, her new suitor from down under. Well, I’ll just assume they had chemistry since that’s what Lauren insisted on repeatedly throughout the course of the show. Yeah, we saw the two smooch a few times, and yeah, there was a tender moment when Audrina fetched him strawberries to go with his Special K, but I can’t say I detected anything earth shattering. Maybe that’s why Audrina ultimately wound up half naked in a pool with J-Bobbs. Say what you will about these two, but this certainly was the steamiest scene in Hills history. On a show known for artfully cutting away from anything suggesting sex, it was the equivalent of putting a giant vagina on the screen and a sign that said, “Looky here!”
The rest of the episode was rather benign, verging on dull. Thankfully, Spencer kept us entertained with another dose of hypocritical complaints about Holly, ultimately laying down an ultimatum on his dearest: either she goes or he goes. What would Heidi do??? You probably don’t need too many brain cells to figure out that question.
This week’s show began with Audrina ascending to the rarified air of Lauren’s second floor bedroom, a special treat for anyone, let alone the girl stuck in the dungeon out back. Aud immediately made special note of LC’s newest interior design touches, stating, “This is so cute. You guys have little pictures everywhere!” She then added, “Oh, and here’s that picture of the two of us in Cabo last year… except I’ve been cut out… and replaced with a picture of Lo. Wait a second….” Oh, I kid. We all know Lo wouldn’t allow a picture of Audrina up on the wall in the first place.
Anyway, Lauren quickly explained that she and Lo did silly poses for the photos so as to avoid any cheesy, melodramatic shots (says the girl on THE HILLS), and with confusion on that important matter cleared up, we then learned that Audrina had rekindled her friendship with Cory, an Australian who I believe had surfaced on the show at some point over the past few seasons  apologies, they’re all starting to blend together. Nevertheless, Aud revealed that she had “hung out with him all weekend,” which was really code for “We boned every hour on the hour in five different positions and once with his didgeridoo.”
Lauren’s eyes twinkled at the memory of Cory, and the two girls agreed that he was such a “good guy.” Aww… that’s nice. I guess he’ll be gone by the episode’s end. After all, this is The Hills. It’s not a show known particularly for its upstanding gentlemen.
Anyway, Audrina also confessed that she hadn’t told Justin Bobby about Cory, but he seemed to know about it because he’d been calling her nonstop, trying to make her feel guilty about abandoning him. This prompted a quaint story from Lauren, who recalled how this one time she took a guy for granted and then when he got a girlfriend, she thought to herself, “Wait a minute.” A riveting yarn indeed! Nevertheless, Lauren suggested that maybe Justin Bobby was experiencing the same thing that Lauren herself had gone through with this mystery man. Audrina shrugged at the suggestion, saying, “I don’t know. He’s a weird one. I don’t get him.” Personally, I thought it was a bit severe to call Justin Bobby weird. I mean, just because he rarely engages in modern bathing techniques and just because he knows ten different ways to mumble one word and just because he calls house plants “dude” does not make him weird.
Of course, maybe weird was what Audrina was looking for. Cory was nice and normal and all, but both girls mischievously agreed that normal was no fun. Besides, who wants normal when you can have douchebag? Am I right, Brody? High-five! Don’t leave me hangin, bro!
After the opening credits, we saw the title of the episode, “Who To Choose?” and no, that was not a reference to Audrina’s left and right implants. We then took in some visuals from around Los Angeles (including a random billboard of Mary McCormick for her USA show), and ultimately, we settled in at the now defunct Karma Coffee House where we spotted Stephanie Pratt wearing some sort of flannel relic from ’93, which was appropriate as REM was playing on the soundtrack. I believe I asked this last week, but I’ll ask it again: is grunge back? Because that’s all we’ve been seeing on this show lately.
“Have you heard of this great new band called Pearl Jam? They’re awesome.”
Similarly plaided up was Spencer, who in his attempt to avoid Holly held sway in a comfy chair like a deposed leader in exile. Steph immediately noted that this meeting must have been super important for him to call her â€â€Ã‚ a comment that was met with nothing but a bristling glare from Spence. Looks like somebody’s favorite episode of Mythbusters got erased from the Tivo.
Anyway, Spencer soon launched into a small tirade about his living situation, complaining first about Heidi’s mom coming to visit and chewing him out. “I’m like settle down, Stalker Mom,” he mocked, somehow confusing maternal concern for psychotic behavior. He then focused his rage on Heidi’s sister, seething that “Holly is the mooch of the century.” This coming from a guy who’s entire cause d’être was to date a girl to be on TV. Nevertheless, he went on and on, bemoaning the fact that Holly never did this, never did that. He took particular issue with her seeming inability to ever leave the condo. I half expected him to complain, “I’m the one who’s not supposed to leave! I’m the one who’s supposed to mooch! I’m the one who’s supposed to not have a job! It’s not fair!!!!”
Instead, Spencer merely scoffed, “I can’t imagine disliking a sister more.” He then turned to Steph and smiled in his awful way, “Should make you feel good!” What’s even sadder is that Steph replied, “It’s like a demented compliment, but… thanks!” Good for you, Steph! Way to really stand up for yourself!
The biggest travesty, however, was yet to come. Spencer then revealed that Holly had inspired Heidi to write a letter to Lauren. Even worse, this all happened behind Spencer’s back. “I didn’t even get to read it or spell check it,” he whined, clearly distraught over this missed opportunity to click the “ignore” “learn” or “change” buttons on the computer. Who knew that spell check was such an important ritual to him? I can just imagine his wedding vows: “I, Spencer Pratt, promise to always love and cherish you, to guide you through tough times, to hold your hand through good times, and to spell check every letter, memo, email, scribble, and Post-It you lay your hands on. In fact, I’ve already spell checked your vows, and for future reference, there’s no ‘e’ at the end of ‘butterfly.'”
Ultimately, Spencer declared that “Holly’s really throwing some wrenches in this machine,” which was an amusing concern, if only because it summoned images of some sort of awful Speidi machine. I don’t know what such a contraption would do beyond sucking up electricity and making unpleasant noises, but hey, maybe it spell checks?
Across town, Whitney revealed to Lauren that she was way stressed, thanks apparently to the taxing challenge of hanging up clothes and writing little things on clipboards. Luckily for her, the weekend was nigh, and even better, LC then invited her to a party going on in Malibu. I was mildly shocked at this development â€â€Ã‚ after all, Whitney is only allowed one tagalong event per season, and she clearly had used hers at Doug’s pool party a few weeks ago. Maybe now that she’s going to be the star of her own show she gets a bonus party to go to. Nevertheless, Lauren explained that Audrina and Cory would be going to the party too, thus prompting a convoluted synopsis of Aud’s Byzantine love life of late. It was entirely too confusing, and Whitney for one seemed completely bored by it.
Later that night, we found Audrina and Cory at a local Korean restaurant, discussing that most provocative of topics: the weather! Yes, Cory reckoned he’d be back to Australia for Christmas, which meant he’d have summer in LA and then summer down undah. An endless summer, if you will. Think of all the Sheilas he’ll be able to ogle all year long! Anyway, Cory peppered Audrina with questions about her love life, admitting that he himself hadn’t really been involved for twelve months, and prior to that he had been “foive yeeee-ahs deep” in a relationship. He then added, “Who’s that jolly jumbuck you’ve got in your tucker bag?” And then added, “OYYY!”
“My love for you is as solid as Ayers rock! OY!”
Well, the couple then chatted about the upcoming Malibu party, and even though Cory agreed to go, he couldn’t have looked less enthused. Someone just needed to tell him there’d be a big vat of vegemite there. That would surely cheer him up.
Anyway, the two eventually rose from the table, affording us another view of Audrina’s heaving, recently inflated bosom. Honestly, it’s like she was trying to smuggle two cantaloupes out of the restaurant. The two then ambled outside where Cory announced, “Perfect night to go swimming.” He then added, “That’s Australian for sex!” Okay, he didn’t say that. But I’m sure they screwed like two horny koala bears shortly thereafter.
The next morning, Audrina and her Crocodile Dundee shuffled out of her Great Barrier Reef and into the main house kitchen where they did not enjoy a shrimp on the barbie but instead two bowls of Special K. And being the kindly woman that she is, Aud even offered to bring Cory some strawberries from the fridge. Yes, she was a regular Nicole Kidman to his Keith Urban. Moments later, Lauren appeared in the kitchen, and honing her inner Al Roker, she declared that it was so very hot that day. But that was okay  it would make for a perfect Malibu day (barring any forest fires or mudslides).
Somehow, the girls got to talking about Brody’s upcoming birthday party down in Cabo San Lucas, and Audrina eagerly invited Cory to come along. “Yeah, I’ll hang out. Sure,” he shrugged, returning his attention to the Special K. Don’t get too excited now, Cory! Oh, I shouldn’t make fun. Maybe he was just missing his pet dingo. Or Kylie Minogue.
Audrina then laughed about how last year they all went down to Cabo for a week, and when they got back, it took two weeks to recover. She then added, “Oh wait, no, I’m thinking about when I got my boobs done. Cabo is like nothing.”
Over in Speidi-land, we found Holly on the couch watching TV in the living room while a flummoxed Spencer sat on his bed, about to go off to brunch. He told Heidi that Holly was most certainly NOT invited to join, causing Heidi to go on about how hard this was for her because that was her sister they were talking about. Spencer, however, simply could not accept this.
“It’s like, no one just IMPOSES themselves on any family member!” he remarked, causing Heidi to shoot back, “You were at your sister’s house for like two months.”
Crickets.
That’s right, Spencer had no comeback except for this wonderful, stymied expression on his face. Funny what logic can do. Nevertheless, Spencer decided to sidestep his glaring hypocrisy and lay down an ultimatum: she goes or he goes. Dunh dunh DUNH!!!
“Here’s what I want to know, Heidi. Why are you so scary in dark lighting?”
Over in Malibu, Whitney and Lauren arrived at the party, which appeared to be littered with tall, slinky model types in skimpy swimsuits and oversized sunglasses. Unlike the typical Hills event, it seemed a bit more chic and a tad less douchebaggy than usual. That didn’t last long though. After Lauren cooed to Whitney about how cute Audrina and Cory were in the nearby pool, Frankie and DOUG (rhymes with UUUGGGGHHH) showed up in all their douchey glory (Doug rocked the patterned tank top again, which is quickly becoming his signature douche look). Anyway, DoNkie announced that Justin Bobby was actually on his way to the party too, prompting an ever protective Lauren to action. Surely J-Bobbs was not going to ruin this idyllic date for Cordrina. Lauren demanded that Frankie call Justin Bobby and Brody up and make them turn around.
“Do you understand that he’s our boy and he hangs out with us?” Frankie replied. You know, for a bunch of guys who had steam coming out of their ears over Stephanie’s allegedly inappropriate friendship with Lauren, they sure don’t seem to mind making these girls’ exes part of their clique. Just sayin’. Even worse, Frankie then revealed that Justin Bobby would be flying down with them to Cabo. Ruh roh. I can’t even imagine the hissy fit Brody would throw if Lauren announced that she’d be bringing one of his exes. It would probably involve a lot of crossed arms and sniffles.
Anyway, Lauren scoffed at the whole situation, causing Frankie to approach Audrina (who for the first time all season did NOT get a closeup on her boobs while wearing a bikini). He asked her who she was bringing to Cabo, and curiously, she said no one (ahem, Cory is RIGHT THERE). She then started going off on how confusing Justin Bobby was and blah blah blah. Finally, Frankie cut her off and announced that J-Bobbs was coming to Cabo. This was met with a blank stare, or rather, a blanker stare from Audrina, and on that note we suddenly went off to commercial. Oh, okay. I guess that was a cliffhanger?
“Dude, my phone’s getting no reception! Oh wait, it’s just my hand.”
When we returned, we found LC and Audrina hiking up Runyon Canyon (one of my finest conquests) and lo and behold, there was Chloe, a.k.a. Bella 3.0, the long lost dog we’d just assumed had been sent off to the ASPCA by now. I was happy to see her return, even if the only view we really got was of her asshole.
Anyway, with a halo of light literally surrounding her (perhaps the original footage was too dark?), Lauren engaged Audrina in a discussion about Cabo. Aud revealed that Justin Bobby had been calling her a lot, saying that he missed her, causing Lauren to reply, “My gosh! It’s like you’re juggling men!”
“I KNOW!” exclaimed Audrina, who then added, “Wait, did you say ‘men’ or ‘breasts?'”
Ultimately, Audrina was left with quite the dilemma: “Who to choose?” she muttered. A crossroads for the ages: Does she go with the affable, nice, and respectful Cory… or the aloof, kind of dumb, kind of an asshole Justin Bobby? It’s a veritable Sophie’s Choice.
Eventually, Lauren and her halo of light led Aud and Chloe down the hill, and we zipped over to Speidi’s apartment where we found a gussied up Holly out on the balcony, dressed like she was about to host a cocktail party.
“It’s gorgeous out here!” Heidi clucked as she stepped onto the balcony for what sounded like the first time ever. The two girls smiled and whatnot, and then Heidi launched into her inevitable “GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE” speech, telling her sister it was time to move on to another residence. Holly noted that she still didn’t have a job yet, which would make such a move quite difficult. What was she supposed to do? Go to the streets? (Memo to MTV: Homeless Hills might be a very fascinating spin-off).
Heidi confessed that Spencer had made an ultimatum, causing Holly to state, “I just don’t understand why it has to be one or the other.” Because, Holls, your sister is an IDIOT.
The scene ultimately ended on an uncertain note, with Holly not saying whether or not she was gonna go (but we can all assume that she’s outta there). Meanwhile, over at Casa Conrad, the lights were out and everyone was gone… except for Audrina who snuck into the backyard with not Cory, but Justin Bobby, who looked particularly amusing in his oversized biker jacket and Paul Rudd hair. The two settled down by the pool, drank a little (READ: a lot) of wine, and then entertained the notion of taking a dip. Testing its temperature, Justin Bobby oddly patted the water as if it were a dog, and honestly, if I were Audrina, I’d dump him for that alone. I mean, who pats water? Clearly the situation called for the tried and true stick-your-fingers-in technique. I’m perplexed.
“That’s a good pool! Yes you are! Yes you are!!!!”
Anyway, J-Bobbs said he wouldn’t go in, but he’d watch Audrina if she went in. That was good enough for Aud, who rapidly disrobed and got into the drink (with a little help from Justin Bobby’s foot). Thanks to some luscious lighting and a sultry tune in the background, the scene became suddenly very steamy as Justin Bobby eyed his lady with longing eyes. He then proposed that if she removed her top, he’d get into the pool with her. Without a shred of hesitation, Audrina doffed her bikini, which meant that it wasn’t long before we got to see a blurred-out J-Bobbs cavorting with her in the water. Thank goodness for censorship.
“Oh, Justin Bobby. You smell like lung cancer!”
As the two canoodled and kissed, Justin Bobby then confessed that he planned to “get in trouble” in Cabo. This was then followed by the ultimate smoker’s laugh  the kind that instantly transports you to some dank casino in the outskirts of Reno. It was here that my Tivo cut off; although, on a previous viewing I did catch the final minutes. All that really happened that I can remember was that Justin Bobby reiterated that he would be hooking up with other girls, which was a bit obnoxious considering he had just begged and pleaded to get Audrina back. Still, at this point, the onus is on her to trade up, not on him to change; so… good luck with that, Audrina!
What did you think about this episode? Did Audrina make the right choice? Do you like Cory? Will what goes on in Cabo stay in Cabo?