HILLS RECAP: Another Successful Birthday Party!

Where to begin? The latest episode of The Hills was so chock full o’ drama that it barely seemed able to fit into one meager half hour. I suppose that’s why MTV spread it out over the course of two consecutive episodes, with the first half of the drama (ahem, DRAMA) airing Sunday before the VMAs. This was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, it meant I’d get my Hills fix a day early and twice as much as a normal week. On the other hand, Sunday was the first Sunday of the football season, which meant that by the time I was ready to sit down at watch The Hills, I was already too drunk to properly take notes.
This is all my way of saying that I hadn’t actually gotten around to watching The Hills until just now, and man was it worth the wait. The whole crew quite literally jetsetted off to Las Vegas — a traditional jaunt for every season — and as we know, an evening in Sin City does not come without its fair share of high jinks. The previews touted Brody’s unfortunate (yet HILARIOUS) incarceration, but truth was that the episode was about so much more. For starters — Brody called Stephanie crazy, which is apparently a major no-no. And if that weren’t bad enough, the increasingly volatile Audrina situation threatened to derail the entire trip. Needless to say, we knew we were in for a good time when we got more than one instance of shakey-cam — that rare indicator that the action on screen was completely and totally unexpected, even for the reliably steady camera men. Looks Vegas hit the drama jackpot…

Things started off pleasantly enough in the Hills world as we found Lauren and her gals, minus Audrina, sauntering across an airport tarmac towards a private plane. Apparently, this was DOUG’s jet — funded by America’s insatiable desire for frozen burritos, no doubt. The gang, as we later found out, was headed off to celebrate Frankie’s birthday, and based on his episode-by-episode plumping up, I just had to assume the festivities would be taking place at one of Vegas’s much lauded all-night buffets.
Anyway, everyone piled into the jet, and soon the champagne was flowing. Amidst all the revelry, I couldn’t help but notice Stephanie giving Doug the “I want to taste your burrito” eyes, but before any Pratt-on-vittle action could go down, Lo chirped, “I think it’s fun for all of us to, like, all hang out together because we all get along so well.” Translation: “Isn’t it nice that AUDRINA isn’t here?” Of course, you don’t need me to tell you that. Pretty much anything Lo says can be translated to that. She could be ordering an Egg McMuffin at the McDonald’s drive-thru, and it would still translate into “Isn’t it nice that AUDRINA isn’t here???”
As for Audrina and Justin Bobby, when Lauren noted that they would be meeting up with everyone in Vegas, Lo let out a disappointed yet totally expected, “Oh.” She then added, “Isn’t it nice that AUDRINA isn’t here now??” Okay, she did not say that. But my theory still applies.
Just because Lo’s arch-rival was nowhere in sight did not mean there wasn’t any airborne drama. Thanks to professional baby Brody Jenner, we had plenty of cattiness to spare. At one point, he raised his glass in the air to propose a toast — something that seemed harmless enough. “I’m not gonna hold a grudge,” he said, looking towards Stephanie (note that he didn’t promise to not complain). Anyway, for a moment, it looked like he was going to bury the hatchet, but instead Brody announced, “Having Little Steph here is almost as good as having Spencer here.” This was followed by a litany of crazy Hills faces — you know the kind: sidelong glances, contorted grimaces, and dropped jaws. It was like watching Snakes on a Plane, except instead of snakes, there were just douchebags.
After the opening credits, we learned the ominous name of the episode: “Boys Make Girls Cry.” Of course, had this show been centered on Brody, it would have been called “Girls Make Boys Whine,” but that’s neither here nor there.
Over at the lovely Venetian casino in Las Vegas, the whole gang arrived and headed off to their rooms. Lo was immediately entranced by her new lodgings, saying, “This is why I love Las Vegas!” She then added, “Because you can get an awesome hotel room with great little shampoos and soaps and NO AUDRINA.”
Lo and Steph then took bets on which boy Lauren would hook up with that night: Brody or DOUG. LC suggested that maybe she wouldn’t hook up with any of the guys, which led me to believe that maybe after the Brodester’s mid-flight passive-aggresion, she was ready to forgive him AND forget him. Speaking of that incident, the girls all then held a roundtable discussion on the appropriateness of Brody’s attack on Steph. The general consensus was that it was not, in fact, appropriate, and furthermore, as far as Steph was concerned, she didn’t know why he would go behind her back and say she’s untrustworthy when he knows VERY WELL that she’s a good person. Clearly he hadn’t picked up the latest edition of GOOD PERSON MONTHLY:

No one could say for sure why Brody did what he did (theory: he’s a bitch), but Lauren offered a sage piece of advice for Steph to follow: “I think all you can do is show him that he’s wrong.” To which Stephanie replied, “Wait? Prove that I’m trustworthy? Oh, no. Never mind. We’ll let him win this one.”
Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, trouble was afoot in Speidiland. We found Spencer in his apartment playing some arcade game — a process which involved him frantically flailing two light guns in his hands in an attempt to shoot whatever evil force was plaguing his experience. For sure this was an absolutely delightful way to spend the afternoon, but poor Spencer’s day off from doing nothing was positively ruined by Heidi, who announced that her sister Holly would be moving to Los Angeles.
“No, she’s not,” Spencer retorted impetuously, perhaps hoping that if he somehow willed it, Holly would instead get rerouted to the North Carolina Research Triangle where she would forever get lost in the hazy world of academia, ultimately falling for a dreamy, motorcycle-riding professor of statistics or something lame like that. But no. Despite Spencer’s wishes otherwise, Holly was coming to LA, and even worse, Heidi had invited her to stay with them.
“This is the quickest way to get me to move out,” Spencer complained, surely prompting all of America to do whatever they could to hasten Holly’s arrival. Of course, if Spencer were to move out, where would he go? Oh that’s right. HIS SISTER’S. Surely she would never turn him away because that’s what family’s supposed to do… unless it’s the Montags, I suppose.
Back in Vegas, Lauren’s posse migrated over to the boys’ suite where everyone was gearin’ up for shots. It didn’t take long, however, for someone to ask where the hell Audrina was, and for the second time this episode, Lauren responded with an exasperated “LONG STORY!” However, surrounded by so many sidekicks and hangers on, there was no way that Lauren could get out of this storytelling opportunity. And so she launched into the latest Audrina saga. Apparently, the two ran into each other at the now-defunct hotspot Goa, and their tables were like right next to each other, and like omg! Lauren tried to say hi, but Audrina gave her the cold shoulder. She wouldn’t even say anything. All Audrina did was wave. WAVE! And it wasn’t even a nice wave. It was a FUCK YOU wave!
WELL!
This did not go over well with Lauren. Nor did it go over well with some random girl in the room who blurted out “SO RUDE!” Settle down, sister. The Stephanie Tanner auditions were yesterday.
But the story gets worse. Lauren pulled Audrina to the side and asked if she could speak with her, but she replied with a huffy, “I’m here with my friends.”
Translation: And FUCK you too, Lauren!
That’s right, Audrina sassed Lauren, which was totally uncalled for. I mean, I’m sorry if Lauren and Lo aren’t “rockers,” and I’m sorry if they don’t like “concerts,” and I’m sorry if they always “exclude” you and relegate you to a musty dungeon in the garage, but they are still you’re friends too. You need to slow your roll, Auddy!
Nevertheless, an irritated (and irritating) Brody piped up with his solution to the problem: “I would honestly say ‘GET OUT!'” He then added, “And then I would complain.” Okay, he didn’t say that last part, but Brody was very adamant on the “Get out” message. I kind of agreed with him though — well, I would agree with him if I didn’t happen to like Audrina and Lauren and want them to stay friends. Of course Lo then chimed in with her opinions of Audrina, saying that she had tried, lord had she tried, to smooth things over with Audrina, but the bitch just wasn’t receptive. Yes, I don’t know how many backhanded and phony compliments she has to bestow on Audrina before the girl realizes that Lo kind of tolerates her!
And what, pray tell, did Brody have to say about that?
“HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID THE SAME GODDAMN THING?” he asked. My answer: “One time too many. SHUT UP.” But alas, my voice could not be heard through the TV, and so Brody reiterated himself again: “Get her out of the house and be on with it!” I’m sure if given the opportunity, Brody would help forcibly remove Audrina, but then again, if she were to strike back, she might just break every single bone IN HIS BODY.
After the break, we went back to Los Angeles where a dirty, extremely un-Hills-ish SUV pulled up to Casa Speidi. Clearly this was the dusty chariot of Holly Montag, who had the gall to show up on MTV without even spraying her vehicle down with a hose. For shame.
At first, things seemed all cheery when Holly walked in the door. Spencer even gave her a high-five. “Look who has arrived!” he beamed, adding, “Now GET OUT!” Okay, he didn’t say that last part, but we did learn that he and Heidi were off to dinner — they’d made plans and didn’t know when Holly would be arriving. Apparently the entire concept of cell phones was a bit out of their league. Or maybe they did try to call Holly, but she was stuck in a tunnel for five hours…
Nevertheless, Holly took no offense at her hosts’ somewhat ungracious welcome, and as Speidi marched out the door, Spencer gladly noted that “we can make our reservation… thirty minutes late.” Don’t worry, Spence. I’m sure Taco Bell will be able to save the table.
Back in Las Vegas, Audrina and Justin Bobby had finally arrived at the Venetian, where Aud gushed, “It’s fancy in here!” It certainly was. Of course, it probably was downright palatial to Justin Bobby, who I imagine calls a paper box home.
Once settled into their room, Audrina then told her side of the whole Story, and according to her, she was with friends at the club, and she told Lauren to hold on a sec because she couldn’t just leave in the middle of her friend’s story, and then, well, “I think maybe she got her feelings hurt, I don’t know,” Audrina muttered. WHAT!?!? Lauren getting her feelings hurt? Why I never heard of such a tale.
Later that night, the rest of the Vegas gang gathered at Cut (second week in a row, different city) to kick off Frankie’s birthday. And as we all know, birthday parties on The Hills always go so smoothly. Sure enough, things got real testy real quickly. First someone mentioned Audrina’s absence, prompting Brody to throw yet another hissy fit.
“WHATEVER!” he complained. “I’M SICK OF TALKING ABOUT HER!” Seriously, the guy does not stop whining. EVER.
So with Audrina off limits, conversation moved onto what would surely be a less controversial topic: the Pratts! Yes, Stephanie unwisely decided to call Brody out in front of everyone and ask why he thought it necessary to talk shit about her behind her back. Specifically, why would he tell Lauren not to trust her??
“I’ve known you for a long time, and I know how crazy you are,” Brody said, clearly making his case for a career in diplomacy.
“WHAT?” a shocked Stephanie replied. “This is when I used to have a drug problem!” Oh, well, then NEVER MIND! I’d like to nominate this defense as one of the best examples of Hills logic: I’m not crazy. Just a druggie.
Brody, nevertheless, remained steadfast in his thorough analysis of Stephanie, officially deeming her “psycho,” and as you can imagine, the degree awkwardness at the table began to reach uncomfortable levels. Thankfully DOUG stepped in and tried to smooth things over — burritos for everyone! — but he learned quickly that no one can stop the Brodester mid-whine spree.
“It’s like, LEAVE!” Brody seethed at Steph, once again proving that just because his buddy was turning a year older, it didn’t mean they all still couldn’t act like children. It was at this time that I wished Spike from Top Chef would stroll by and say “Brody, you’re such a little bitch, bro. Seriously. C’mon.”

Of course, if Brody were smart, he would have diffused the situation out of respect to Frankie who, in case you forgot, was actually trying to have a fun time on his birthday. Instead Brody kept going at it with Steph, saying that he just cares about Lauren and that he was merely looking out for her best interest. For her part, Lauren tried to mollify by making a very clear distinction. “He didn’t tell me not to be your friend,” she said, as if that made this ALL okay. She might as well have said, “Look, he has nothing against us being buddies. He just thinks you’re crazy and psycho and completely untrustworthy. But we can still hang out! So you see, it’s really much ado about nothing.”
Well, every renegade has their breaking point. Marty McFly won’t be called chicken, Memphis from Big Brother won’t be called a womanizer, and Stephanie Pratty will NOT be called crazy.
“Don’t say I’m crazy!” she said, half in an attempt to be strong, half in an attempt to preserve some sort of self-composure. I actually felt bad for her. We could see she was gonna lose it at any second, and while I did poke fun at her druggie past, clearly this was a major sore point in a highly sensitive area for her. Not that Brody cared.
“You’re a little crazy,” he said. He was so insistent on this point that I half expected him to go all SATs on us and pull out an analogy: “You are to crazy as I am to whining.”
Well, no analogy need. Soon Stephanie was hanging her head in teary shame, crying at the table — JUST LIKE A CRAZY PERSON. Okay, just kidding (I feel I have to qualify myself in case she reads this and has some awful relapse). I did actually feel bad for Steph, but then again, she should have known better than to start up a confrontation like that at dinner. Meanwhile, a disdainful DOUG put down Brody, asking, “You’re making girls cry now, dude?” I half expected Frankie to sail across the table with a high-five, cheering, “Awesome!!! Oh wait, are we not laughing about this?”
As expected, Steph left the table with Lauren — her doting Master — in tow. “What a fun dinner,” Brody grunted, adding, “Let’s talk about THAT!” Well it was no thanks to you and your pissy attitude, BRO. Meanwhile, Lo was probably rubbing her hands together gleefully, quietly clucking to herself, “BEST DINNER EVER!”
Up in the room, Lauren consoled her scorned sidekick with the sort of precious piece of advice that could only be found in the depths of some check-out line, impulse buy, self-help book: “Don’t ever cry over someone who would never cry over you.” Well what if something were to happen to Ashes? Would we be unable to shed a tear?? It’s not our fault that CATS DON’T CRY!
Steph, however, could not believe how mean Brody had been, especially given their long history. “I just don’t understand how he can say that when he’s known me for so long,” she said. Surely he should have realized how hurtful he was being. How could he be so cruel? AND TO A CRAZY PERSON!!!
Ultimately, Steph declared that her past with drugs was none of Brody’s business, which was kind of true, but even more importantly, when she was using, she was never, ever MEAN! Yeah, she was coked out of her gourd half the time, but darnit if she wasn’t the sweetest angel!
All this drama was fun and everything, but let’s not forget the real meat and potatoes of the episode: the growing rift between Audrina and Lauren. After the commercial break, we found the gang all partying at Vegas nightclub LAX, and soon they were joined by Audrina and Justin Bobby. Brody did his best to quell any drama by immediately pulling Justin Bobby over and saying “All they’re talking about is like, Audrina’s not talking to us… She’s not really our friend.” And by “they,” Brody meant “ME.”
Seriously, this was a douche move on his part. Brody basically tattled to Justin Bobby for no other reason than to perpetuate the drama. For once I actually sided with JB, who brushed it all off and said he wasn’t involved. “Neither am I!” said a deluded Brody, who seemed to forget how he spent the latter part of the afternoon urging Lauren to kick Audrina out of the house. But hey, he’s not really involved.
Meanwhile, Lo tried to sniff out some drama of her own, perhaps hoping to corner Audrina in some lies and expose her as a bad friend for missing Frankie’s oh-so-wonderful dinner. First Lo asked Aud if she’d been in town for a few hours already, and then she asked, “Did you get dinner or something?” Audrina answered that they only arrived at nine and had been getting ready for the club since then, going so far as to skip dinner. So the answer is no, Lo, you cannot report back to the group that Audrina totally ditched Frankie’s party to get food elsewhere. Oh well.
After an awkward pause between the girls, Audrina then moved on to Frankie and explained to him that the tension between her and Lauren was reaching new, unbearable levels. “I’m just like, whatever Lauren. Do whatever. I don’t care,” Audrina said. Of course, in Hills-speak, that’s the equivalent of saying, “YOU FUCKING BITCH, LAUREN, I FUCKING HATE YOU AND WANT TO PULL OUT ALL YOUR HAIR!!!”
Well, Frankie urged the two girls to talk, and while Audrina agreed that a discussion was overdue, she also said she didn’t want to do it that night in the club. Meanwhile, Lauren and Steph returned to the club, and we were left to wonder if Audrina and LC would even say a perfunctory “hi” to each other. The answer: no.
Feeling overwhelmed with all the people talking to her about the situation, Audrina decided that she had had enough of the evening. She and Justin decided to leave, and while I’d love to report on what they said in their parting moments of the night, I simply cannot because the damn MTV VMA badge in the lower right was so gigantic that it literally overlapped half the subtitles. And let’s not talk about how distracting that bad boy was. Why not just take away the visuals altogether and let us listen to the dialogue alone? That’s essentially what it felt like.
Nevertheless, Aud and Justin Bobby left, and as they sauntered out of the club, some guy in line totally recognized them. I could tell because he got all excited and douchey, much in the same way I am when I encounter celebrities of even the most minor fame.
Back in Los Angeles, we were in the midst of a three-alarm emergency. Honestly, I’m surprised the National Guard wasn’t brought in. Long story short: Holly effin’ Montag had deleted three of Spencer’s shows off TIVO!! That mother-flippin’ bitch!
Oh, it was AWN.
With his DVR tainted and 90 minutes lighter, Spencer rushed to Heidi’s office and demanded that she meet him down in the back alley. We knew this was big time. Only the most serious of discussions happen in the back alley.
WELL. Spencer laid it all out for Heidi: her sister was in her pajamas (the horror!) and had erased three of his shows. It was like the Holocaust ALL OVER AGAIN! To be fair, I’d be mad too if someone deleted my “stories” from the box, but given that this as Spencer we were talking about, I couldn’t imagine that Holly had destroyed much more than two old episodes of 24 and perhaps an errant Meerkat Manor.
As you can imagine, Heidi was outraged, but not for the same reasons. “You did NOT just call me down here because of the Tivo,” she angrily stated, perhaps realizing that Spencer was not the knight in shining armor she had fallen in love with.
Spencer, however, went completely nuts. He was like a little kid whose juice box had been stolen. His eyes bugged out (more so than usual), his voice got all high-pitched, and his words spewed out a million miles per second. He simply could not understand how Heidi could be so cavalier about the Holly situation. “She is so damn cosy, you couldn’t pay her to move out!” Spencer complained, adding, “Who does she think she is? ME?”
Well, Heidi made Spencer promise not to say anything to her to make her feel unwelcomed, and as we all know, if there’s anyone who can keep a promise, it’s Spencer. Still, Heidi felt confident that her man would be civil, and as she stepped out of the car, she frustratedly said, “Get out of the house or something. Maybe you shouldn’t be there so much!”
FINALLY.
Of course, she might as well have just said “Blah blah blah blah poopy” because we know those words landed on deaf ears. The day Spencer leaves the house to do something proactive is the day Heidi releases a hit on the radio. (SNAP!)
Meanwhile, it was the next day in Vegas, and the girls were busy doing their postmortem. LC asked Steph is she was feeling better, to which Steph answered that no, she wasn’t feeling much better at all. Before we could explore that any further, Lo happily redirected the conversation into cattier territory: “SO AUDRINA DIDN’T SAY HI TO YOU AT ALL????” Yes, let’s focus on what really matters right now: not repairing Stephanie’s fragile emotional state but gossiping about Audrina.
“You need to put an end to this,” Lo insisted, not clarifying if she meant the fight or the friendship as a whole. Probably the latter.
Moments later, Frankie arrived at the girls’ room looking like death itself — well, assuming that death was a hipster. Anyway, he announced that he had been up all night, unable to sleep because at 9 AM, he had received a text from Brody that he and DOUG were in jail! Apparently DOUG had been punched, perhaps by an heir to a rival frozen enchilada empire! Dunh dunh dunh!!! This all led me to ask two questions: how could Frankie be up all night trying to sleep when he only received the text at 9 AM, and more importantly, how did Brody sneak a text out from his jail cell? It really didn’t make sense, but somehow, it made me happy.
What would happen to Doug and Brody? Would gang rape ensue? And would BroDoNkie ever be reunited? These and more pressing questions will be answered in my next recap, which shall be forthcoming.
What did you think about the Vegas episode? Did Brody go too far with Steph, or was she asking for it? And what’s the deal with the Audrina situation?
ed. note — more screencaps to come.