LIVE FLIGHT BLOG: Seriously, This Is Live

I’ve done a lot of flight blogs — or flogs — in my time, but never in all my time have I been able to actually LIVE blog my flights. Granted, I call it liveblogging as I’m typing what I observe as it happens, but the truth is that I don’t usually publish my flogs until several hours after I’ve touched down. Not this time, my friends. American Airlines just introduced in-flight Wi-Fi five days ago on selected routes, and yours truly has the luxury of flying one of those special planes. Thanks to GoGo, I’m able to stay connected to the internet for the duration of my flight for a flat fee of $13. It’s a bit steep, I suppose, but the ability to be on email THE WHOLE WAY more than makes up for the slight pecuniary injustice. And yes, I’m on a transcontinental flight — so spread over five hours (ish) of travel time, it’s a pretty good deal. I’m not sure I could say the same for the New York to Miami route, but then again, it all depends on how desperately anyone wants to check their email.
Nevertheless, let’s start this flog already!

2:22 PM
Well, it’s 2:22 PM Pacfic Time. My flight is already behind schedule. Turns out there was a piece of metal in our tire, and so the good people at JFK had to change it. That in turn added thirty minutes, and then the ensuing taxi time added thirty more. Such is the way of JFK. I was actually fine with the delay. This morning I went to the Apple Store and purchased a power adaptor; so I was happily able to plug into my seat and get a little bit of work done on my screenplay. The guy two rows ahead of me, however, was not enjoying this unexpected twist in his traveling experience. After about thirty minutes of waiting (which was about as much as the flight deck warned us the repair would take), this guy flagged down a flight attendant and asked when we’d be taking off. I didn’t really know why he was asking her of all people — it’s not like she was walking around with a toolbox and grease on her face. Last time I checked, the ladies handing out water have no effect on the speed of tire repairs. Anyway, the flight attendant told him that she didn’t know for sure, but we should be leaving soon.
“It’s just that it’s already been like an hour,” the guy muttered.
Bad move.
This idiot was barking up the wrong tree. Why? Because this wasn’t just any flight attendant. This was JACKIE, a super-tanned, super-annoyed lady who’s clearly been trolling these aisles for three or four decades. (Oooh! She JUST walked by and said “Trash?” I always think it’s her way of subtly placing a value judgment on us, much like the flight attendant in that movie Red Eye.)
Anyway, based on Jackie’s attitude, you’d think she’d just done back to back shifts to Siberia and back because she has not been cheerful today. Earlier, some dumb girl put her bags in the back of the plane even though her seat was at the very front of coach. When Jackie saw where she was supposed to sit, she barked, “Well, why’d you put your bags all the way back there???” The girl explained that she couldn’t find any space above her seat, but clearly this was no good. Off went Jackie to the girl’s seat, and two seconds later, BOOM, there was space overhead. This was followed by the obligatory, politely exasperated, “There’s plenty of space here.”
Even worse, some guy in the back was struggling to fit his bag in a small overhead compartment; so Jackie rubbed further salt in the girl’s wound by yelling out, “Sir? Sir? The girl in the back is about to take out her bags. You can put yours in her place.” Oh, the shame that girl must have felt.
Well, back to the idiot ahead of me. He sassed off to Jackie, and if there’s anything we’d learned in our short time on board already, it was that you do NOT sass Jackie. The rubbery flight attendant turned around and literally said, “Excuse me?” The guy reiterated that we’d been delayed an hour already (not true); to which Jackie simply replied, “No. We were scheduled to leave at 2:45, and it’s 3:20 now. It has not been an hour.” She then turned and continued down the aisle. It was awesome.
Not so awesome was the fact that the girl next to me had the strap of her bag dangling in the aisle like an inch. Yeah, I know. Bad news.
Even worse news was that Jackie then TRIPPED. I wanted to hide under my seat. This was going to be violent. Luckily, the girl next to me apologized profusely, and Jackie let her off with a mere slap on the wrists in the form of a glare, a sigh, and some passing comment about keeping things out of the aisle. Later, however, when Jackie returned with the beverage cart, she made a point of stopping it, looking around at the girl’s feet, and then moving forward. She’s like an elephant: she never forgets!
Speaking of beverages, as avid readers know, I alternate between ginger ale and tomato juice on flights. Lately, however, American’s tomato juice has been a bit too sweet, but truth was that I simply was not feeling ginger ale this afternoon. I decided to spice things up, literally. Taking a page from the girl who sat next to me on my previous flight, I eschewed tomato juice and instead opted for Bloody Mary mix. Needless to say, this was a magnificent choice. I think that Bloody Mary mix will now supplant tomato juice as my juice of choice on flights.

2:38 PM
From the flight deck: we’re now over Indianapolis. They’re about to start the movie, Young @ Heart. I actually really want to see it, but I think I’m going to pass because the screen is so awful that I think I’ll spend my time writing. Meanwhile, the flight attendants have been doing their best to anti-sell the movie. Two separate ones have announced that the movie is not very good at all. Of course, they haven’t actually seen it, but they’re basing their reviews on what other flight attendants have told them. One flight attendant is currently saying the movie is about a husband and wife dealing with Alzheimer’s and moving into a nursing home (not really true — it’s a documentary about old people singing). I think this woman is thinking of the Julie Christie movie Talk To Her (is that the name). Hmmm… maybe I will watch, only to spite all these haters.
2:49 PM
There’s an old lady singing The Clash on screen right now. How could anyone hate this?
3:03 PM
Okay, this movie is cute and everything, but it is a little weird for an airplane. I guess I’ll keep watching though since nothing else is going on in here.
3:28 PM
I was getting into the movie, but then I checked in on the Big Brother house and saw that shit is going DOWN in there right now. So distracting! But let me just reiterate that I absolutely love being able to sit here above the clouds and read Big Brother updates. Best flight EVER.
3:32 PM
Oh man. I get a bad feeling like one of these old people in the movie is about to die. I really don’t want to cry on the plane. Thank goodness I’ve got Big Brother to keep me from getting too emotional attached.
3:35 PM
Oh no. Oh no. There was a title card that said “Ten Days Later.” Death is nigh! Death is nigh!!!! And now there’s a hospital shot! But phew… the guy I thought was gonna die didn’t. I’m not counting him out just yet though.
3:39 PM
This movie is charming and all, but I’m not sure I need to hear a whole bunch of old people singing “Road to Nowhere” like a funeral dirge. No wonder the flight attendants hate this. Of course, if Jackie had her choice, we’d be watching the best of Steve & Edie.
3:40 PM
You know, this movie isn’t bad, but if you’re not listening to it — only watching the video — it’s probably got some of the most annoying visuals ever put on an airplane. No wonder Blake the flight attendant hates it. (I don’t know if that’s his name, but that’s what I’ll be calling him.)
3:41 PM
I’m actually quite surprised that there haven’t been too many annoying flyers today. Well, there is one horrendous baby across the aisle, but it’s been shockingly silent for the past two hours. I’m sure in about three minutes the kid’ll start up.
3:44 PM
SPOILER ALERT: one of the old people died. Blast! I’m not crying though. HAH!
3:46 PM
How awkward. My left eye is irritated, but I don’t want to scratch it lest everyone thinks I’m CRYING.
3:51 PM
Gosh, I’d love to get a picture of Jackie. It might be too difficult. I don’t want to cause an “incident.” And knowing Jackie, that’s exactly what it would be.
3;53 PM
Jackie just totally walked by, and let me say this: she did NOT look happy. Somebody’s gonna get it… She had a sandwich in her hand. I bet she’s going to give it to some guy and say, “Here’s your DAMN sandwich.”
4:05 PM
Dammit, I think another guy is going to die. ACK! HE JUST DIED AS I WAS TYPING THIS.
4:07 PM
The people behind me have to BE QUIET. Out of nowhere they started making what sound like barnyard noises. It’s totally ruining the mournful scene in the movie. I mean, imagine watching a guy dying and then hearing FARM ANIMALS IN A FRENZY. Ruins everything.
4:13 PM
Try to imagine what a chicken sounds like when it gets stepped on. THAT’S what I’m hearing behind me.
4:16 PM
SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY.
4:16 PM
A girl near me just totally did the glare-back. I joined her as a show of solidarity. Of course, it was lost on these awful, awful children. I’m gonna do it again though because it’s fun. Here we go.
4:17 PM
Their dad totally saw me staring. It didn’t accomplish anything, but hey, it felt good.
4:39 PM
Okay, here’s an interesting development: it’s an ADULT behind me. Turns out the adult and the child are playing cards. I think it’s “Spit” specifically. Whatever the game is, they’re slamming their hands on their trays, and it’s driving me nuts. I wonder if I can get a discreet photo…
4:44 PM
IT’s simply too difficult for me to get a photo because I think the girl next to me is related to the people behind me, but here’s a pic of me:

Oh, and Blake just walked by. Turns out Blake’s name is BOB. Apologies.
5:01 PM
Things have simmered down behind me; so I’ve returned to my normal, pleasant state. The girl next to me opened up one of those perfume ads in her magazine; so it was kind of smelly in here for a bit. But it was tolerable smell, being that it was perfume. Still, isn’t that kind of poor form — unleashing a known odor on an airplane? It could have been worse. When I boarded, some guy was digging into an aromatic fruit salad. It just so happens that I don’t like fruit salad, but beside that, I think fruit odors in confined spaces are awful. Same with garlicky foods and whatnot. Somehow, the odors just turn BAD. For a while, it was all pungent and sweet smelling in here because of the fruit salad guy. I was quite annoyed. The only thing worse would have been if someone behind me had busted out some eggplant parm. They’re just bad plane odors, people. Bad. It’s all about the non-offensive, barely perceptible foods — ie. my ham and brie sandwich. Totally discreet, olfactory-wise.
5:05 PM
Meanwhile, Eye On American is showing literally the same How I Met Your Mother episode that they’ve been showing for the past four months. Literally, every time I’ve flown on American since April, it’s been the same show: the one with the wedding and the food and whatnot. C’mon, now. Eye on American? How about Eye on VARIETY? (Oooh SNAP!)
5:08 PM
Man, I’m so dumb. Next time the people behind me act up, I’m totally gonna play the Renny and Jerry movie. Then they’ll know how it feels. OOOH! Jackie’s cart just crashed into a seat. But it was her friend who did all the snapping in the form of “Watch your feet, PLEASE.” Jackie was probably like “I’m not even talking to any of these assholes the rest of this flight.” Nevertheless, I think it’s time for round 2 of the bloody mary mix…
5:11 PM
Uh oh. The woman two rows ahead of me is nauseous. Luckily, the non-Jackie flight attendant struck a chord of empathy with her: “I hate being nauseous.” (Spoken with a cringe). I think the only thing keeping this passenger from barfing is the wrath of Jackie.
5:31 PM
PAIN! The galley is baking cookies for Business and First Classes. It’s killing me! That’s one odor that DOES work well on a plane.
5:42 PM
According to FlightAware, we’re just over the Grand Canyon. That means we’ll be descending soon. Aww, and the poor people in Business and First must now relinquish their portable entertainment devices. SUCKERS. Enjoy your fresh baked cookies… WITHOUT ENTERTAINMENT!! HAHAHAHAHAA.
5:49 PM
It should be noted that they may take away the wifi in the next ten or twenty minutes. So don’t be alarmed if it’s suddenly silent. Oh, and also, my friend Andrea sent me a chain letter. I’m like GREAT. That’s what I want to see when I’m flying: something that says “THIS COULD BE BAD LUCK.”
5:52 PM
Uh oh. Passenger Georgio Tuccio is being summoned on the PA system. Somebody’s gonna miss his connection….
5:58 PM
Jackie just walked by again saying “Trash? Trash?” I think she’s reapplied her lipstick. It’s vibrant and eye-catching. Classic Jackie.
6:10 PM
We’re beginning our initial descent. I think I should probably wrap this up. It’s been fun on my end. Hope it’s been entertaining for you guys…