HILLS RECAP: And That's Why You Don't Invite Israel and Iran to the Same Party

The Hills is back in more ways than one. Last night’s episode was a pure joy — from the awkward interactions between Audrina and Lo to the awkward interactions between Kelly Cutrone and her short-lived peon Jessica. And, of course, let’s not overlook the awkward interactions between Spencer and… EVERYONE. Yes, it was one episode of nonstop awkward moments, and if there’s anything we live for on The Hills, it’s awkward moments. Add in some Spencer-conceived geopolitical analogies in the form of Israel and Iran, and we had pretty much the perfect show.

As usual, the episode kicked off with the obligatory recap of previous drama on The Hills, during which Lauren regretfully informed us that “Whitney was learning that our new boss wasn’t the easiest to please.” Whitney was learning? She hadn’t simply learned? You’d think after the first time Kelly Cutrone demanded a vial of baby Gila Monster blood, Whitney might have said to herself “You know, she’s not the easiest to please.”
Nevertheless, Lauren moved onto other topics: namely, the family Pratt. She announced to us, “even though Stephanie was Spencer’s sister, she hadn’t given me any reason not to trust her.” Yeah, no reasons whatsoever. Except, you know, that she’s SPENCER’S SISTER. Maybe that’s why Lauren then seethed, “Unfortunately, that was about to change.” OOOH!! Sounded like She-Pratt would be incurring the wrath of Conrad! I immediately braced for what would surely be a scene replete with steely glares and angry mutterings. Color me excited!
Of course, things started off just fine for LC and Steph as they babbled away in their FIDM classroom. The big news was that Stephanie would be celebrating her twenty-second birthday this week with a grand fête at Hollywood hotspot Boulevard 3. Cut to me rubbing my hands together with anticipation and glee. If there’s anything we know after three seasons of The Hills, it’s that birthday parties are always nothing less than an unmitigated disaster. It’s actually quite sad the way these people so eagerly look forward to their birthday parties, thinking that for some reason THIS TIME everything will be great and fun. And, of course, it never is. Probably the only one who ever enjoyed a pleasant birthday was Lisa Love, but that’s only because she most likely curled up by the fireplace, drank some Rosée, and called her friend Aimée in Lyon to discuss the latest Jane Campion film.
Anyway, Lauren asked Steph it was okay to bring a guy to the party, to which Steph replied, “You have a guy in your life?” She then added, “CAN I TAKE HIM?”
Okay, Stephanie didn’t say that last part, but clearly she was thinking it. She is a Pratt after all. You can never trust them. Well, Lauren told Steph about DOUG (rhymes with UGH) and informed her that he’s a baseball player sidelined with some sort of injury. “He’s an athlete?” Steph asked. “That’s my favorite kind of guy!” Also her favorite kind of guy? OTHER PEOPLE’S. I’m shocked she hasn’t already stolen Spencer away from Heidi. Could you imagine the incestuous babies those two would have? They’d all be squarefaced and strange looking. You know, like this:

Speaking of Spencer, Stephanie admitted that she wasn’t sure if she’d invite her big bro to the birthday party. After all, drama seems to follow him and Heidi, she noted. “I don’t know if it follows as much as they chase it,” Lauren retorted. Follow, chase — it’s all pretty much the same. Let’s put it this way, Speidi is like a hyper dog running after its own tail — a tail of DRAMA.
Appropriately enough, we then learned that this week’s episode was titled “Drama Follows Them,” a description that could apply for pretty much anyone on the show. And nowhere could we find more drama than at that most dramatic of eateries, CREPERIE! After all, nothing says drama like a deliciously thin pancake! TNT should just change their slogan right now: “We Know Crêpes.”
Well, partaking in some crêpe-related activities were none other than Lauren and DOUG, the latter of whom professed an unabashed love for all things white (the color, not the race). Lauren, meanwhile, seemed more concerned with strolling down memory lane, voicing a desire to have and to hold their sacred prom photos in her hand right that moment. Doug immediately perked up and informed her that he did in fact have those most cherished of pictures at his house, but the excitement was short-lived as Lauren realized that he was referring to his Laguna house, not his LA house. Poor Doug. The concept of “right here” can be daunting.
Nevertheless, the conversation soon meandered onto talk of Audrina, of whom Lauren spake, “I think her and Lo had a little chat.” And by “little chat,” she meant “raging bitch-fest.” Clearly the gals had spared LC from some of the more vicious details, but she knew enough to call it a disaster. This in turn prompted DOUG to sputter out his observation of the day:
“Every, everybody in your life, your life… is hectic… you know?”
Well stated, DOUG. Knowing that perhaps sweeping commentary was not his strong suit, Doug then changed the subject with a rather vague proclamation: “Let’s go do something.” I think that was his veiled way of requesting some afternoon delight, but who knows? He may have been seeking a rousing game of putt-putt too. Or both! Alas, Lauren had to go to work (apparently Kelly Cutrone allows lunch breaks for low-level employees. Who knew?), and when Doug implored her to skip out on People’s Revolution and do something fun, Lauren replied, “My work is fun.” Clearly. Who doesn’t love working for SATAN??
Lauren then invited Doug to Steph’s birthday party but warned him that she does not get along with Spencer. “Blood’s thicker than water,” Doug replied, adding, “I just read that in a fortune cookie. I still don’t know what it means. Maybe something about getting out stains?”
Meanwhile, over at Epic Records, we found Audrina literally barking orders to faithful sidekick Chiara, who only seemed too happy to be spoken to. When the three seconds of “work” concluded, chatty time began, and Chiara asked Aud, “What are you doing tonight?” She then added, “CAN I COME? I don’t care WHAT it is!!!”
Audrina told her about Steph’s party and revealed that she would be going separately from LC and Loaf, er, Lo. Furthermore, Aud then recapped her whole “talk” from the last episode, noting how Loaf had actually come to her room. “REALLY?” Chiara said excitedly, resisting the urge to ask, “Can I come to your room too?”

“Don’t you want a sidekick? Wouldn’t your life be so much better with someone like me saying yes to you all the time??”

Nevertheless, Audrina explained that Loaf “wanted to apologize for being absent” at the party, to which I’m shocked Chiara didn’t reply, “I’d like to apologize for being absent too. Although, I guess in my case, it’s more because I WASN’T INVITED.” Ultimately though, Aud noted that Loaf’s apology was insincere as it seemed to mask various attacks on her friends. Chiara rolled her eyes and mocked, “I’d like to apologize for your friends’ behavior.” No, Chiara. You got it wrong. You got it 100% wrong. Loaf didn’t apologize on behalf of Aud’s friends. She apologized and then attacked Aud’s friends. You know what? Never mind. I’m not explaining this to you anymore. Just don’t make jokes from now on, mmmkay?
Ultimately, the scene ended with a vow of loyalty by Chiara to her Master. “I’ll be on your side,” she declared, perhaps hoping this would finally, finally catapult her into the inner-circle of Audrina’s world. But alas, we knew it wasn’t meant to be. Work sidekicks have an uphill battle. Look at Whitney. She’s been toiling away next to Lauren for three seasons, and she still only gets invited to one or two parties a year. And she’s in the damn opening credits! Sorry, Chiara. It’s not meant to be.
Speaking of Wh-wh-wh-Whitney, we then headed over to People’s Revolution where we learned that the Wicked Witch of the East Coast would be returning to LA that night. That’s right, Kelly Cutrone was a-comin’, and poor Whitney now had to go to dinner with her, an unenviable task by any means. Lauren asked her if she was nervous, which was sweetly naive being that if there’s anyone on the show who’s famous for butterflies, it’s Whitney. Let’s not forget her shvitzing armpits during the New York City Teen Vogue presentation, not to mention the time when she FELL DOWN A STAIRCASE ON LIVE TELEVISION. Yeah, she was probably nervous.
But enough talk about Whitney. Let’s talk about this damn birthday party again. Whit asked if Spencer and Heidi would be showing up, and Lauren merely brushed it off, saying that surely they wouldn’t be appearing. I mean, what a ludicrous thought! When have Heidi and Spencer EVER crashed an event??? Pish-posh, Whitney for even suggesting such a ridiculous idea!
And speaking of Speidi, we found them in their favorite haunt (and my favorite Mexican restaurant), DON ANTONIO’S! It literally only took about .3 seconds before both of them had gotten under my skin. How can two people be so annoying so quickly? Well, Spencer insisted that he would NOT be going to his sister’s party because for all intents and purposes, Steph was hanging out with the enemy. Heidi echoed this sentiment too, chirping that the entire friendship was “so disrespectful.” And let’s face it, if there’s anyone who deserves respect, it’s Heidi and Spencer. Their contributions to music and cinema have been nothing short of revelatory.

Still, even though Stephanie was totally BFF with Lauren these days, Heidi didn’t think that Spencer should totally write off his sister, being that they are siblings and all. It was then that Heidi spoke four words I thought I’d never hear her say. No, not “I sing very poorly.” And no, not “I should leave civilization.” Instead, Heidi said this: “My only logic is…”
WHAT? Heidi knows about logic? This can’t be. I refuse to accept that Heidi understands the concept of logic. Surely she meant “problem” or “thought” or “turtle.” ANYTHING but logic. My world has been rocked.
Well, as we went to commercial, Speidi resolved to do a pop-in at the party and then never speak to Stephanie again — a nifty little solution that really didn’t make much sense. When we returned, we found LC and Loaf doin’ their makeup and getting ready for the big par-tay, also known as the soon-to-be biggest catastrophe of 2008. Of course, this quiet moment by the mirror was the perfect opportunity for Lauren to get all philosophical about the people in her life, leading her to comment, “I think that a lot of times… I trust people I shouldn’t, and it turns out right, and it makes me feel a little bit better.” Yes, and if there’s ever been a testament to that, it’s Lauren’s enduring friendships with Heidi, Jen Bunney, and J-Wahl, all three of whom have done nothing but brought sunshine and happiness to her life.
Nevertheless, LC continued her ramblings about trust, saying “It’s kind of nice to know that some people deserve it.” We then cut to Lo who could not have seemed more bored if you had stuck her in a room full of Audrina’s friends. Speaking of which, Aud did the unthinkable and not only entered the main house but went UPSTAIRS to join the ladies at the bathroom mirror. It turns out the only reason she had left her dungeon was to find out when everyone was heading over to the party. This was met with a sniveling glare from Loaf, who quickly retrained her eyes on her own face, lest the presence of dirtbag Audrina sully her makeup. We then heard what sounded like very cool music on the soundtrack, but for once, MTV did not tell us who it was by. THANKS. Oh well. That’s $.99 I just saved at the iTunes store.

“Who the HELL told Audrina she could leave her cave?”

Over at Simon LA, the world’s worst office dinner was taking place, and Whitney was stuck in the middle of it. Resident mummy Kelly Cutrone made her grand season four debut by raising a glass and toasting to who knows what. Poverty? Despair? Feline AIDS? (Actually, they toasted to People’s Revolution — how obvious). All I knew was that perennial punching bag Jessica was sitting at the table, and as we’ve all grown accustomed to, whenever MTV shows Jessica, it means she’s about to be shat on by Kelly. Sure enough, the talent-impaired worker managed to say about three words before Lady Cutrone shot her down with a stern “NO.” When Jessica doth protested too much (stupid girl), Kelly sneered back, “It’s my company, and the answer is NO to that!” I can’t even imagine what the dinner ordering process must have been like.
Jessica: “I’ll have the grilled salmon and the—”
Kelly: “NO. It’s my company, and you’ll have a piece of bread and my martini olive. That’s IT. End of story.”

“It’s my company, and I’ll toast when I want to. Now cheers to everyone but Jessica.”

Truth was that Jessica really couldn’t say anything without Kelly jumping all over her. At one point she mentioned that the office did something with style or stylists, prompting Kelly to snap again: “I don’t want you to talk to a stylist. I’m just going to say what I want since it’s MY COMPANY. You: pretty, pretty, happy, happy? Pitch stories. You have to have common sense.” It didn’t even really make any sense (probably because it was most likely spliced from four different parts of the conversation), but the point was fairly clear: Jessica, you’re an idiot, and I’m crazy. Together, we’re awful. So eat your damn olive and SHUT UP.

“I’m super smart!”

“What did I get myself into…”

Well, poor Whitney was positively petrified by this interaction, and as she sat there, hands literally covering her trademark gaping mouth (let’s face it: she can see a pigeon fly across a street and her mouth would be agape), we zoomed across the city to Steph’s birthday soiree (but not before spying an overhead shot of the wretched Universal Studios Citywalk. BLECH. How such a vile part of Los Angeles could wind up in a Hills montage is besides me. But then again, we were heading to a Pratt party; so I suppose it was a subtle commentary on what was to come).
Actually, I overstated things. We weren’t at the party just yet. We were instead inside Lo’s car as she drove with Lauren to Boulevard 3. Loaf, dressed like a silver, sparkly mermaid / disco ball, seemed giddy with anticipation; although, I’m sure she could care less when Lauren explained that DOUG would be arriving with Frankie and Brody. Hmmm… there’s got to be a nickname for those three. Frodyug? Frodody? Froddy? Froggy? Frog? BLAH? I’ll think about it.
Wait… I think I have it. Brody + Doug + Frankie = Brodonkie!
YES.
Anyway, as the two gals drove through Hollywood, Lauren mused, “I hope Audrina winds up stopping by,” to which Lo merely smiled and mumbled, “Yeah, and I hope I DIE.” Okay, okay, she did NOT say that. Instead she took the more neutral stance of “No reason not to, you know?” Actually, there was a reason for Audrina not to stop by, and the reason’s name was LOAF.
Sensing growing tension already, Lauren honed her inner Rodney King and asked, “Can’t we all just get along?”
“We’re ALL just getting along, that’s why we’re going to Stephanie’s birthday!” Lo gushed as if Lauren was taking crazy pills. I half expected her to add, “Now be quiet and let’s never speak about how we’re getting along EVER AGAIN.”
Well, LC took Loaf to task and said that no, they were not all getting along, but this just merely prompted the signature Lo Moment of Passive Aggression — the same one we usually get at around the halfway mark of every episode. In response to Lauren’s observation that they were not all getting along, Lo turned and said, “Well, the ones who matter are getting along.” SNAP! Loaf wins again! Gotta love her.

“LOAF! Don’t be mean.”

Lauren was left with little else to do but take a page from Whitney and leave her jaw dangling somewhere near her knees, and on that note, we headed right into the party where it appeared as though Stephanie had received a fresh shellacking of bronzer for her birthday (not to mention a rather sizable increase of the mammary region).

“Lo, I want you to meet my new friend here: Brooke Hogan.”

Soon the group was joined by Audrina, who did not bring sworn sidekick-for-life Chiara but instead some other random chick. There were fake hugs all around, and as Lo shot Audrina a series of “FUCK YOU” smiles, Brodonkie arrived to further stir up excitement. It was like the whole gang was there. Best birthday EVER!
Eventually, however, the party began its inevitable slide into dramaville as Lo adopted a tone with Audrina more phony than the color of Stephanie’s skin. “How are you? You look pretty!” said Loaf, who managed to swallow the bile in her mouth with a handy sip of her straw. (By the way, was I the only one who found this line of questioning bizarre given that the girls had just seen each other about two hours prior?)
Anyway, despite Audrina’s clear boredom, Loaf managed to slap a shit-eating grin onto her face and say, “I’m glad we talked.” Yes, that talk clearly achieved much, as evidenced by this free-flowing, effortless conversation.

“DIE.”

“Bitch.”

Audrina pretty much ignored Lo (or at least, that’s how it was presented to us), and we just gazed at her as she gazed at something else. Then, all of a sudden, what can only be described as a hipster version of Golem appeared out of nowhere and seemed to destined to abscond with Audrina. However, we cut away to a montage, and upon return, we saw neither hide nor hair of him (or Aud, for that matter). Where did she go? Where did HE go? Quick! Check all the clock towers and opera house basements!!! (Yes, I know I’m mixing all my metaphors into one giant Freak melange, but just go with it).

Audrina, behind you! It’s Hipster Golem!

Speaking of society’s fringes, the party took the inevitable awkward turn as Heidi and Spencer arrived, the latter of whom carried a giant, obnoxious bundle of balloons — you know, something tasteful that said “I’m popping in briefly for your birthday and then NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU EVER AGAIN, SIS.” And as expected, everyone was scandalized — particularly Loaf, oddly enough. Stephanie, however, was drunk (no other way to explain it) and happily declared “This is the best birthday I’ve ever had!” Yes, the best birthday. Except for the fact that everyone wanted to leave IMMEDIATELY.
Well, first to bail was Brody, who announced that this was too much drama! Too much for the Brodester! He then summoned Frankie as if he were a distracted dog at the park, yelling, “Frankie! Frankie!” until finally his sidekick arrived at his side. The two left Doug behind with Lauren, thus transforming their Brodonkie posse into the smaller but no less douchey two-person alliance of Frody (or Bronkie?). It seemed kind of lame on Frody’s part to leave so quickly. After all, if Lauren could suck it up, so could Brody. But then I may be speaking too soon.
As the party settled into a nice, unbearably awkward groove with Team Lauren to the left and Team Heidi to the right, Spencer managed to charm everyone’s socks off. “Can you get those obnoxious chicks away?” he asked no one in particular. Part of me felt like he was referring to some random girls who were standing nearby, but then again, this is Spencer, and it’s perfectly conceivable the comment was directed at Lauren and Loaf. “Let’s go,” Lo said repeatedly. Soon, Team Lauren had departed, and now Stephanie’s best birthday ever consisted of just Steph, Heidi, Spencer, and some randoms in the corner.
“I’m really surprised you guys showed up,” Stephanie reiterated, adding, “I was afraid I’d have no one to RUIN my great party!” Okay, she didn’t say that, but I’m sure she was thinking it. How could she not be?
Well, after the commercial break, it was time to do a postmortem on the party. We headed over to Stephanie’s apartment where none other than Spencer had shown up to talk. So much for “I’m never going to talk to her again.” Much like the second half of last season, most of the conversation focused on Spencer accusing his curiously puffy-faced sister (allergic reaction to douchebags?) of jumping ship. Steph tried to explain that there were no ships; she was just friends with everyone, but Spencer was not about to let his maritime metaphor go.
“When there’s two ships, that’s jumping ships!” he snapped. Well, what if there was one ship and one canoe? Or perhaps one canoe and one ferry? And does a barge count as a ship? What’s the policy on gondolas? Dinghies? Water taxis?
Noting that perhaps his metaphor wasn’t ideal, Spencer switched things up and went for a more global conflict approach: he accused Steph of trying to be peacekeeper, but ultimately he said, “It’s like trying to tell Iran and Israel to get along. It’s not going to happen.” Interesting. So does that mean Spencer is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? And is Lauren the Holy Land? Ironically enough, if there’s anything that could stop conflict in the Middle East, it’s this scene right here. All anyone has to do is gather Iran and Israel and say “Look, you two are like the geographical equivalents of Spencer and Lauren. Do you really want to be that? Really?” I guarantee peace will then reign for the next hundred years.
Well, Stephanie tried to explain the situation in terms her brother could understand, but since she doesn’t speak douchebag-ese, she instead opted for this assessment: “You’re more rash, and I’m more rational.” She then added, “And Heidi’s just a rash.”
The two continued to go back and forth, and ultimately, Spencer revealed that he wanted to make Steph “un-my-sister” (much in the same way he wanted to turn his sentence construction into un-English-grammar). For her part, Steph claimed that this was the most hurtful thing Spencer has ever said (doubtful), but lucky for her, he won’t have a chance to say something worse because he then revealed that he was cutting her off. No more! Finito! They will never speak again! (Until tomorrow).
Elsewhere in the city, we found Kelly Cutrone similarly barking up a storm on her phone in the office. When she hung up, she summoned Whitney to her perch where she revealed that Jessica had been fired / pecked to death by a murder of crows. I instantly shook my fist at MTV for failing to capture the termination on camera, but I suppose Jessica’s entitled to an ounce of dignity here and there (no she’s not. WE WANT BLOOD!). The whole point of this was that Kelly then offered Whitney Jessica’s old job, which came with one big drawback/perk (depending on your outlook): Whit would have to adopt a bicoastal (and perhaps bipolar) lifestyle.
“You’d be my shadow,” Kelly warned. And for those interested, here’s what Kelly’s shadow looks like:

Whitney appeared to accept the offer, and Kelly warned her to keep her schedule free for the next couple of months. Not really a problem though. Whitney doesn’t get invited to any of the parties anyway.
Meanwhile, over at FIDM, Steph encountered Lauren in class and immediately apologized profusely for her brother showing up at the party. However, her groveling (of which there was LOTS) seemed ineffective in melting LC’s cold heart. And when I say cold, I mean frigid. Lauren was positively livid still, which didn’t really make too much sense being that the party wasn’t held in Lauren’s honor. This was Steph’s birthday party, and she’s a) allowed to invite whoever she wants, and b) as much as he sucks, Spencer is still her brother. The situation blew for Lauren, but it was kind of poor form to lord it over Stephanie to such an extent. Leaving when Spencer arrived was the appropriate response, and everything else after that is just overkill. Oh, naive youth! Will they ever learn?
Well, even though Stephanie was downright begging for forgiveness, Lauren eventually replied with an amusingly icy (if misdirected) response: “It’s not a secret that all my friends say that I shouldn’t even trust you; so you kind of set them back on that rampage.”
But, you know, happy birthday!
What did you think about this episode? Should Whitney take the promotion? Does Lauren have a right to be so mad? And how are Lo and Audrina handling their growing feud?