There are Big Brother episodes and then there are BIG BROTHER episodes, and Tuesday’s installment was the latter. Ranking as one of the best ever in the series’ ten season history, the latest show featured one of the most ridiculous (yet ridiculously wonderful) fights of all time. It was all so petty, and yet that’s what made it so spectacular. Everything stemmed from Libra having a bruised ego over basically nothing at all. When April got nervous that her nominations might not stay the same after the veto comp, Libra took that as a personal attack on her character and ability. Why? Well, she’s a bit of drama queen. From there, everything just got out of control. Libra bitched to Keesha, and Keesha, never one to be second-fiddle in the drama department, took the opportunity to go off on April. Soon everyone was yelling at everyone (including Renny, whose “It’s INAPPROPRIATE!!” line has become an instant classic), and in one of the most surreal, memorable, and absolutely hilarious interludes in reality TV history, the entire drama came to a total standstill as everyone paused to sing “Happy Birthday” to Keesha. I’ve never seen anything like it.
This actually constituted the third time I’d seen the big fight, as I’d watched it twice before on Big Brother: After Dark. I gotta say hearing a censored Keesha sort of neutered the fun a bit, but what the telecast lacked in F-Bombs, it more than made up for with the sort of fun editing that made the whole thing feel fresh again. Unfortunately, the editors omitted one of Libra’s best lines of the night  a rant about how Jessie’s tactics had failed on seasons one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and eight… AND NINE TOO! (I’ll post a video later, perhaps) â€â€Ã‚ and there were some hilarious Renny noises (“WHO? WHO?”) that also didn’t make the cut, but again, there was so much action in this episode, I understand that the editors couldn’t keep everything.
And that’s the thing: beyond just the blow-up, there was still so much more. Dan, the affable America’s Player, was hilarious in his fifteen second hug with Jessie. And April was amazingly flighty as she first insisted that the nominations stay the same (thus spurring on the night’s drama), and then when she had the chance to steal the veto, she passed it up for some cash. So all that fighting was essentially for nothing. Oh, what a sad commentary on humanity Big Brother makes.
Then there was Michelle. Oh Michelle. I did feel bad for her when she got screwed out of her Hawaii prize, but it was worth it to see her go all Montana Moorehead on the producers, bizarrely opting to show only her back to the camera as some strange protest of all things unitard. She claimed she didn’t want to be made an ass out of on national television, but I wasn’t sure how showing us her backside would resolve that concern. Nevertheless, her rant was worth price of admission alone â€â€Ã‚ a glorious cherry on an already overflowing sundae of an episode.
So without further ado, here’s the photocap…
“You want to see some drama in this house? Okay, I’ll show you some motherfuckin’ drama.”
“Just because I’m handling jugs and pouring drinks does NOT mean that I’m a womanizer. OR A BARTENDER!!!”
“Let’s see. It’s been one hour since I last took off my shirt, but TWO hours since I’ve gotten any respect…”
“Dan, don’t feel blue. You’ve got to stay committed to the game, from toe to head!”
“Dan, I’m not just a body. I’m a brain. And my body AND my brain are both telling me that you shouldn’t do anything irrationalized.”
“I just keep having these nightmares that Hillary Clinton is our president!”
“I got you, buddy. It’s okay. Just hug my large, shredded, 100% natural back.”
“Great! I got picked to play in the veto competition! But I wasn’t picked first, and now my feelings are hurt.”
“You know what? I’m gonna get mad over nothing at all and embroil the entire house in a night of fighting! And you know why? BECAUSE MY FEELINGS ARE HURT FOR NO REASON!!!”
“I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this, but my feelings were hurt.”
“What’s that I hear? The sound of disrespect?”
“Hey guys, I just want to say that Libra and Keesha were screaming and firing guns at small animals downstairs.”
“Listen, I don’t think you understand something. I was woken up from a VERY LIGHT TO NO SLEEP!”
“Um, Jessie? Could you please leave? Ollie and I are about to DO IT.”
“My name’s April, and I know how to handle Ollie’s trivia!”
“And let me tell you something else: my feelings were HURT!”
“April, here’s the thing. Maybe I haven’t articulated it yet, but MY FEELINGS WERE HURT!”
“But Libra, you’re forgetting something: my name’s April, and I know how to handle hurt feelings!”
You know what? I fuckin’ hate this chair, always sitting there when I walk by. No, that’s fucked up. FUCK YOU, CHAIR! You stupid fuckin’ bitch!”
“MARY! ST. JOSEPH!!! I can’t open the door. IT’S LOCKED!!!”
“Guys, seriously. Seriously. I just want to say something to maybe clear the air, okay? MY FEELINGS WERE GODDAMN HURT!”
“What am I doing? I’m using The Secret to make lasers come out of my eyeballs! C’mon, POSITIVE THOUGHTS!”
“Listen, I just overheard Memphis saying BEEP BEEP!!! HOOooonk!!
“Jerry, if you don’t start speaking English, my feelings are gonna get hurt.”
“Now, WHERE THE HELL IS MY O MAGAZINE?!?”
“I don’t think you understand. I was awake with my eyes closed, and you made me open them.”
“You’re lying, Libra. You’re so deviant, from toe to head.”
“I actually really like this kitchen. It’s my new favorite room in the house…”
“FUCK THIS KITCHEN! I fuckin’ hate this fuckin’ room, the fuckin’ son of a bitch!”
“Listen, I’m sorry for being respectful and rationalized and 100% natural, but if that’s a crime, well, then I guess I’m just guilty as charged. From toe to head.”
“I really thought I’d get a bigger piece of the birthday cookie. Now my feelings are hurt.”
“Effin’ Jerry, callin’ me a womanizer. I’m too BLAND to be a womanizer!”
“Hoooonnnk!!”
“MARY! ST. JOSEPH!! It’s a uniform from Foot Locker! It’s a LOCKER!!!”
“My name’s April, and I know how to handle memories of The Mighty Ducks.”
“Damn, I was really hoping for a v-neck, but all I got was this stupid veto.”
“I did wicked awful. And here I thought I’d do bettah than all of yous.”
“What is it? Pigs feet? Chowdah? New undahwears?”
“So I says, ‘I won trip to Hawaii!?! Just think of all that beautiful blue wataah!’ I sweah on Bawston, I nearly crapped my undahwears.”
“MARY! ST. JOSEPH! You gotta stop talking over me when I read the instructions. IT’S INAPPROPRIATE!!!!”
“My name’s April, and I know how to handle a slap shot.”
“So after igniting a firestorm when I fretted that I wouldn’t be able to preserve my nominations, I’ve decided to ignore the veto and just take this cash. This way Ollie can DO ME on a bed of gold bars!”
“I could punch Libra right in the kissah.”
“When Michelle gave me the stink eye after I stole her prize, I’m not gonna lie. My feelings were hurt.”
“Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t hurt, CBS.”
“A LEOTAAAHD? A LEOTAAAHD? I’d prefer a bowl of chowdah and a glass of wataah before a LEOTAAHD!!!”
“Don’t talk to me, Jessie. I’m about to crap my undahwears.”
