With The Hills done for the season, I had nothing to write about on TV tonight — especially since my DirecTV DVR recorded nothing but BLACKNESS instead of the House season finale (shaking fist!). I hope to procure the episode electronically (no spoilers please), but in the meantime, there is one little show I know I can take some time to write about. What’s it’s name? I’ll never tell.
Fine, I will. GOSSIP GIRL.
Yes, to celebrate the triumphant (yet bizarrely low-rated) first season, I decided to liveblog the season finale, which was a fun, if slightly disorganized, romp. Going into the episode, I wanted certain things to happen — you know, like Vanessa spontaneously evaporating into an odorless gas. What? She sucks. Besides, it’s not unheard of for such sudden disappearances. Anyone remember Bex — intrepid seducer of the Brooklyn art world? I have a feeling she’s still loitering around DUMBO, waiting for Rufus to call her again. As for Dan, I would have liked someone — anyone really (perhaps The Captain on a coke-fueled rant) — to just PUNCH him upside the head. He’s getting too Ryan Atwoody with his righteous indignation over everything, and I’m having a hard time accepting him as our protagonist.
Did I get what I wanted? Eh, not really. But it was still a good hour. Live blog after the jump.
FYI, before I start, I’m watching this on my DVR, which means my time stamps are all sorts of messed up. So don’t get all Hazel on me with the ‘tude. Btw, Hazel best be in this episode. It’s never a complete installment without our favorite angry gumdrop. But I digress. To the show!
8:24 PM
Oooh, Serena’s wandering through Central Park all dressed up for no reason. And she just told Dan’s voicemail that SHE’S COMING OVER! Then again, when does she not come over? She’s constantly zipping from Dan’s to Blair’s to home to Blair’s to Dan’s again. This girl spends more time traveling than she does making droopy faces; so you know that’s a lot.
8:24 PM
Someone’s lying in bed. It’s Rufus! Or as my friends and I like to call him, RUFUFTH (not unlike Gallant and Groofuf) Anyway, the big news here is that Rufufth is in bed with… Lily. And the even bigger news is that Lily’s breasts may or may not have quadrupled in size. Well, looks like Rufufth and Lily just had a long night of DOING IT, and while I’m sure they want to sleep and spoon and remember the good days when Lincoln Hawk’s horrendous song was a big hit, their bliss gets interrupted by a ringing phone. It’s probably Vanessa. She LOVES breaking up nice moments. I’m shocked she hasn’t already climbed through the window to say hi.
8:25
This just in: Lincoln Hawk is going on the road! Crossing fingers for a bus crash. Oh, but I wouldn’t want Rufufth to die. Like the Humphrey kids need any other reasons to be bitter. Oh, and in other news, it’s Lily’s wedding day; so as you can see, this whole sex-on-the-day-of idea was probably ill-advised.
8:26
Lily’s phone rings. It’s Bart. How do I know? Because apparently, when Bart calls, his name appears in size 18 helvetica text. BOLD. That’s right, Lily’s phone display just filled up with the word BART. Of course, Rufufth asks “Want me to answer it?” To which Lilly responds “Want me to kill you?” WITH MY NEW LARGE BREASTS?
8:27
New scene. It’s Blair-Bear. Lying in bed with… CHUCK! Sober realizations and slapping ensue.
8:28
Chuck and Blair apparently have an evil plan to ensnare Georgina. As he leaves the apartment, Chuck tells Blair, “When you love someone, set them free.” Blair replies, “When you hate someone, slam the door in their face.” OOOH! That burns, Blair!
8:29
Wonderful news: The Captain’s back! Yes, I’m talking about Nate’s druggy dad who’s out of rehab and ready to seize life again. Cap & Nate are jogging around, just like the way they were back in the series premiere, except this time, Cappy isn’t all scary and yelling “YOU MUST GO TO DARTMOUTH!” (The man has taste, what can I say?). Now he’s all happy about being clean and sober. You know, except for all the coke he snorted to help him get through this morning jog.
8:29
As the jog comes to an end, Nate learns that his Mom’s not coming to the Bass-van-der-Woodsen wedding. Cap’n says she’s uh, landscaping, and, uh, tending to leaks, and uh, GETTING A DIVORCE. Okay, The Captain didn’t say that last one, but thankfully, Nate is so dense, he doesn’t realize that the only reason his mom would miss such a high society event would be if she were in the midst of getting herself tangled in the giant chandelier hanging in the Archibald foyer (War of the Roses ref. Anyone? Anyone? This thing on?). Instead of putting two and two together, Nate says he wants The Captain to meet Vanessa. You know, the love interest that was arbitrarily given to Nate, despite a total lack of chemistry or logic.
8:30
The Captain’s cell phone rings. He says, “I gotta take this.” It’s the divorce lawyer. I mean, the GARDENER. I love you kid. Dumb as rocks, but I love you.
8:30
Serena just arrived at Casa Humphrey, and without thinking, she plants a kiss on Dan. AND THERE’S GEORGINA! Serena is shocked. The only thing that could have made this moment more awkward would have been if Vanessa had come bouncing through the window, saying, “Hey Dan, I just thought I’d — oh, is this a bad time? AGAIN?”
8:32
Serena wants to attack Georgina! “I am telling him everything!” she yells. Georgina just kind of slithers out of there, off to slay some vampires and whatnot. Cut to two seconds later… and now Serena’s revealed everything to Dan. “Do you hate me?” she asks. No, he just feels like passing judgment. “I really, really wish you had told me this sooner,” Dan says, adding, “Because I’m a dick.” Meanwhile, is this Georgina story over now? Can we send She-Oliver to the television graveyard?
8:34
Dan picks up a stapler. I’m intrigued. What ever shall he bind??? Oh, it’s just a phone.
8:35
Bart’s summoned Lily to a random building by the traintracks. It was the first building he’d owned. Now he’s being all sentimental about it. He’s gonna let it go. Now he wants the same from her. Silly Bart. Lily doesn’t own a building! Oh wait, he meant symbolically. That makes sense.
8:36
Blair Bear is wearing a dress with all sorts of hearts on it. Maybe it was left over from a Valentines episode that never aired? Anyway, the anti-Georgina plot is kicking in. She and Dan are laying a trap. Dan gets Georgina to agree to meet him at the park at their usual place. Perfect. BUT AT WHAT TIME??? They never say.
8:39
Consider this trap sprung. Georgina meets Dan, but guess who else is there? Georgina’s parents. And a surly lookin’ guy. Gossip Girl then announces, “Bitches don’t just happen. They’re made.” This is followed by an air snap and “Girrrrrrrl…” Well, looks like Georgina’s off to boot camp. Aaaaand the plot line is over. I’m used to more spectacular flame-outs from this show, but I guess this was okay. I guess.
8:42
Dan tells Rufufth that Serena asked Lily to stay with Bart so that she and Dan could be together. Rufufth is like “Thanks.” As in Thanks, YOU RUINED MY LIFE WITH YOUR TRIFLING TEEN ROMANCE THAT YOU DON’T EVEN WANT ANYMORE.
8:42
Jenny finally appears! But don’t get too excited. Here comes Vanessa, and she’s wearing a dress that looks not unlike an orange piñata. Gross. She ruins everything, even Jenny’s brief little appearance.
8:44
Oooh, Nate gives Chuck the evil, perhaps sexually-confused eye. Captain is all perplexed. But that might just be all the coke.
8:45
We finally see Serena’s maid-of-honor dress, and it’s quite the sight. Just imagine a daffodil pretending to be Queen Elizabeth.
8:45
Chuck sees The Captain making a seedy exchange. OH CAPTAIN. Your demons haunt you so!
8:46
RUFUTH shows up in Lily’s dressing room. “Need a hand with that?” he asks, and by “that” he minds “Your vagina.”
8:49
Lily is late to the ceremony. Eric is concerned, in his annoyingly smug way. And here comes Vanessa in her awful Jenny-made dress. She tells Dan that he should air it all out with Serena right now. You know, because there’s no better time than at a supposedly fun and festive wedding. Dan listens to his awful friend’s awful advice and tell Serena that he didn’t sleep with Georgina, but for all intents and purposes, he might as well have. Translation: I ejaculated in her mouth. The only thing making this moment more awkward is the wedding planner who suddenly bounces into frame, possibly in search of little Eric, if you catch my drift (nudge nudge, wink wink).
8:50
I guess Lily and Rufufth aren’t running off together. Okay. Well, that was a fun plot. Moving on…
8:51
It’s the wedding. Poor Serena is all sad. Way to have ruined it, Dan.
8:53
Nate’s confronting his dad after Chuck totally narc’ed on him. Turns out Cappy wasn’t buying drugs. He was merely leaving the country. Oh, that’s much better. Besides, according to The Captain, he’ll be a much better father in Dominica. After all, what better way to raise a kid than by disappearing into the Caribbean? As for why’s he’s leaving in the first place, it’s pretty simple stuff. You know, Federal crimes. The Captain laments, “I’m facing 25 years!” That’s a lot of rape! The Captain must have killed a few people because we all know White Collar crime only carries a maximum sentence of like three weeks anyway.
8:55
Nate is so mad. He has to be the man of the family. When The Captain tries to talk to him, Nate turns around and punches him in the face. “That’s for mom,” Nate seethes. Actually, I think if Momma Archibald wanted to exert some revenge, she probably wouldn’t have paid for the private plane to get pops out of town. Poor Nate. Logic is so hard for him.
8:56
Blair and Vanessa are squaring off. It’s fairly awesome. Blair is reminding Vanessa that she seems to always fall for guys who like Serena more. Ouch. That smarts, WALDORF!
8:56
The Bro-mance is back. Nate and Chuck have buried the hatchet. Now Nate wants to just go home and, you know, get high off his dad’s stash. Before he goes, he says, “Tell Vanessa–“ “Tell Vanessa what?” Vanessa asks, popping up out of nowhere. GODDAMN, SHE ALWAYS SHOWS UP EVERYWHERE.
8:57
Serena’s sitting alone on the chairs at night, leaving me to wonder why the hell no one’s packed them up yet and loaded them onto a truck. Nevertheless, these two are babbling about “things.” Frankly, I’m sick of this storyline. Dan’s being a bitch, as usual. Serena forgives him for boning Georgina, but he says he can’t let her actions go. She lied so easily to him! The horrors! Serena denies that it was hard, but he says he doesn’t want to be with her. FINE. GO AWAY, DAN. Even worse, he then states, “I am the most understanding person in the world.” I think this was the writers’ sick way of toying with us. I hated it. And yet, I totally believed someone as judgmental and awful as Dan would say such a thing. Now he reveals that the only reason he hooked up with Georgina is because Serena had banged two guys the day before. Serena says no, that threesome was a lie. (And by gosh, you can bet she didn’t have an easy time with that one either). Dan gets mad at her again. HOW COULD SHE LIE ABOUT THAT! I love how Serena literally thought she had murdered someone, and Dan’s giving her shit for having a panicked response. Long story short, the two break up. Thank God.
9:00
Chuck makes an eloquent toast, and afterwards, he and Blair take to the dance floor, their romance re-ignited. How sweet. So what will their nickname be? Chuck and Blair… CHAIR!
9:02
Just when we think Dan’s gone, he’s back, and this time looking for Vanessa for some dumb reason. Next thing we know, the invasive wedding planner is forcing Dan and Serena together for photos. Dan gets all pissy. Serena tells him, “Just smile.” She then adds, “YOU MOODY ASSHOLE.”
9:04
Blair tells Chuck that he’s “still a romantic.” He agrees. They then walk off to have sex. Well, I guess that’s kind of romantic too.
9:04
Dan came to his senses. It’s all resolved. He probably remembered that he’s the unpopular kid who lucked into bagging the hot, popular girl who he’s pined after for years. I mean, would he ever really dump her? Who else would he have to choose from? Vanessa? How awful.
9:05
One week later! Rufufth is on the road. Jenny just got her acceptance letter into Parsons for some internship program. And guess what? She’ll be interning with BLAIR’S MOM. Aw-sum.
9:07
Serena and Dan haven’t spoken in a week. Blah. Meanwhile, Nate and Vanessa, or “Punky Brewster,” as Chuck calls her, broke up. I guess that whole lack of chemistry did them in. Vanessa appears to be moving in on Dan now that he’s single. He’s completely oblivious to all her not-so-subtle hints — as in, when she says “I’ve known you for thirteen years, and I’m not sick of you.” Translation: DO ME ON THE RADIATOR! Elsewhere in the city, Nate and Serena just ran into each other. She tells him, “I am feeling frisky. You know how i get in the Summer.” She then adds, “LET’S FUCK.” Okay, she doesn’t say that, but honestly, who says they get “frisky” in the summer and doesn’t intend sexual implications? Sure enough, it looks like these two will be spending those long July days hanging out together, much to everyone’s chagrin, I’m sure. Personally, I’d be delighted to see the Blair-Nate-Serena love triangle resurrected.
9:10
Who IS this guy Blair’s talking to at the heliport?
9:11
Chuck is about to go off for a summer with Blair. Bart then spouts off a brilliant monologue about how having a girlfriend means a life of responsibility, no partying, and blah blah blah. The entire speech completely sours Chuck on the idea of spending his precious time off from school with only one girl. Ed Westwick does a fantastic job subtly letting his face go crestfallen over the course of the scene. It’s awesome.
9:11
Sure enough, here comes Lily with her new mini-Lily assistant, Amelia — a.k.a. Lydia Hearst, a.k.a. Patty Hearst’s daughter. While Bart chuckles his ass off in the background, Chuck drops his Blair-intended bouquet of roses, saving but one to give to, you guessed it, AMELIA.
OH BLAIR BEAR!
But don’t count B out just yet. Looks like she’s struck up quite the rapport with her new friend on the helicopter.
So will Blair and the new guy hook up? And will she make a day trip to her father’s chateau in France? Will Amelia destroy CHAIR? Are we facing the dawn of Amuck? And what other coupling nicknames might we be seeing soon? Serate? Danessa?
Now the long wait begins… What did you think about the season finale?