Photo via rickey.org
I don’t know why, but for some reason the people behind American Idol want David Archuleta to win. Maybe they’re hoping his presence will boost ticket sales for the summer tour. Maybe they’re trying to gain a larger share of the adult contemporary market. Or maybe they’re just plain loco. But the simple truth remains that lil’ Davey, while technically a great vocalist, is certainly no star.
And yet on tonight’s final performance show, the judges gave him near unanimous praise. Huh? Were they hearing the same sounds? Maybe the acoustics in the new Nokia Theater venue screwed with their ears because as far as I could tell from my cozy seat in the Hollywood Hills, David Archuleta was a veritable snooze-fest. Whereas David Cook seemed to command the stage unlike ever before, David Archuleta seemed to get swallowed up in it. As you can imagine, I was astounded when Simon said all three rounds went to the boy wonder. Let the headscratching commence.
First, let me say this about tonight’s show. The whole boxing thing was way overdone. I thought it was just going to be an amusing joke to kick things off, but when I saw that the entire broadcast would be punctuated with faux-boxing segments, I couldn’t help but groan. How much Jim Lampley must they foist on us before we cry uncle? And try as they may with annoying color filters, the producers simply could not add any excitement into this less than thrilling battle, especially since it’s been a near foregone conclusion for the past several weeks that David Archuleta will be sailing into the winner’s circle this time tomorrow night.
For round one of this showdown, record industry overlord Clive Davis selected songs for the idols to sing, and I was most pleased to see David Cook’s tune: “I Still Haven’t Found What I’ve Been Looking For” by U2. This is not only a classic song, but one that might not need the emo treatment. Sure enough, David Cook let the song stand on its own, but he still added his own unique flourishes. His performance was far and away the best of the season for me. It’s slow but steady build was the perfect way to kick off the show, and as David belted it out, he seemed to have total control over the venue. For the first time, I really could see him as a rock star. It felt like a concert, not a reality show. My only regret was that towards the end of the performance, I kind of expected David to somehow take it to another level and really drive the song home. Instead, it just kind of ended. But that was okay. I still thought it was really great. And this is coming from me, the guy who’s resisted David Cook all season.
The judges all loved the performance, and Paula gave the first of many flowery compliments that didn’t always make sense. I’m still trying to understand what being in “good poise” really means. Simon called the performance “phenomenal,” and for a moment, it felt like Cook might actually be able to steal the show.
Then came David Archuleta singing adult contemporary / Clay Aiken classic “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me.” Whereas David Cook stood up and above the crowd like a superstar staking his claim to glory, Archie merely sat on the staircase preciously, making millions of tween hearts go pitter-pat, pitter-pat. The performance was good, nay, very good, but after David Cook’s, it felt simple and boring. There was nothing special about it, nothing exciting. It just was a very proficient vocal performance. He didn’t own the venue. He didn’t convince me that he could hold sway over thousands of ticket-purchasing fans. Part of it was the song-choice — “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is a stronger rock/stadium anthem than “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me.” But as George Michael proved back in the ’90s, the Elton John classic can still be a show-stopper, especially live. Archuleta unfortunately brought none of that to the table.
And yet the judges went apeshit. Randy full on jizzed over it, and Simon said it was one of the best of the season. Even worse, he said round one went to David. Wh-wh-wh-whaaa? Where did that come from? I swear, there must have been a disconnect. The music must have sounded different in the theater because on TV it was so utterly unremarkable. And this isn’t just me. I watched the show with my friend, and he had the same reaction. We were both shocked.
For round two, the singers had to pick one of ten possible songs written by the public (remember that little contest that no one really cares about?). David Cook started things off with some song written by a girl named Emily. I think it was called “Dream Big.” The arrangement turned it into totally generic rock, the kind that Bon Jovi spews out these days. And yet for some reason, it kind of worked. I’m not saying I’m gonna download it anytime soon, but the tune was surprisingly catchy (it got in my head for the next ten minutes), and I was supremely thankful that David Cook didn’t give us the sort of treacly mess we’ve come to expect from these made-for-Idol tunes.
Randy and Paula liked it, but Simon felt it was all wrong. He made a legitimate point that the song didn’t feel like the victorious culmination of a season’s work, but honestly, I’d rather have something fun and upbeat rather than another sappy ballad that climaxes with some gospel explosion.
Speaking of which, next came David Archuleta, who of course sang a barf-tastic tune that was all about him being in a moment that no one could take him out of and blah blah blah. It was all bland and generic and absolutely awful. Yes, the chorus was a bit more melodic than David Cook’s, but if anyone actually thinks it has a future on radio, they are totally delusional.
Well, once again, the judges absolutely praised David Archuleta, who looked like he was going to faint. Probably the only thing keeping him on his feet was the fear of multiple lashes from his dad’s cat o’ nine tails. Simon once again was ecstatic, which was surprising given that just last week he had lambasted the show for being old fashioned. How can you applaud this awful, awful song when it so accurately represents all the problems that have plagued this season: chronic blandness and an unnerving disconnect with youth culture.
For round three, contestants could choose their own adventure, and so David Cook decided to try something new: “The World That I Know” by Collective Soul. I really love this song, and I thought David Cook did a very nice and emotional rendition of it. I wouldn’t say it was a powerhouse, but its tenderness was just right, and I was happy to see him again control his impulse to scream out the last third of the song.
The judges all liked the performance, but the critiques were less constructive and more conciliatory. Kind of like their way of saying, “Thanks for playing. Now GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.” Simon called him one of the nicest contestants ever, but then he bemoaned the song choice, saying David should have revisited “Billy Jean” or “Hello.” It was a valid point, but personally, I was glad not to have to sit through a repeat performance.
Next up was David Archuleta, who did play it safe by returning to one of his most successful outings: “Imagine” by John Lennon. This was his best performance of the night, in my opinion. He sang it excellently, that’s for sure. But the emotional connection? Eh, kind of soulless. I mean, it was definitely his most emotive song of the night, but between his eight-year-old behavior and forty-five-year-old performance style, I have a hard time getting invested in the kid.
Maybe that’s why I was so shocked when Simon anointed him a star. HARDLY. There’s nothing special or dynamic about David Archuleta. He’s just soft and cuddly and inoffensive. If he wins, and he most surely will, he’ll forever be a reminder of what happens when producers lose touch with reality.
Lastly, I think it’s time for Constantine Maroulis to just go away. Three years later, and he still makes me nauseous when he mugs for the camera.
What did you think about the finale? Do you totally disagree? Or are you with me? (high five!)