This week, The Real Housewives of New York City went from a guilty pleasure to a gross-out bonanza thanks to the intrepid work of one dog’s tongue and one woman’s nostril. Yes, the closeup of Jill’s dog licking her nose clean was an instant classic — one of the most searing images to ever emerge from reality TV, let alone television as a whole. Not even There’s Something About Mary dared show the sort of dog-on-nasal-cavity action that Bravo aired tonight, but here’s the most shocking part: it wasn’t even the grossest part of the entire episode. No, that special honor goes to Simon and Alex, who managed to instantly turn my stomach with their egregious open-mouthed kissing. AND THEY DID IT ON A YACHT. I swear, a few hundred fish probably went belly up at that precise moment (and I wouldn’t have been surprised if Lady Liberty briefly gouged her eyes out with her torch). Hmmm… I’m sensing a theme: tongues + housewives = disgusting. And yet, amazing.
Anyway, as per some people’s request, I’ve decided to give a stab at photocapping the latest episode, much as I do to Big Brother. Pictures from Bravo after the jump…
“Oh my gawd. I just broke up with my boyfriend. He just was so talkative. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise!”
“So Simon and I are seriously considering naming our next child Marcel Marceau.”
“Avery, your mom is so cool. I love the way she has no self-awareness!”
“I’m gonna name you Dawg-Bawbby. That’s funny. I should tell Bawbby that. Hey Bawbby. I named the dawg after you. BAWBBY!!!”
“Hey girls, I’m a cool mom, right? Right? Girls, why aren’t you talking to me? Is that your way of saying you want me to hang out more? Because I’m free after school pretty much every day. Girls? Girls?”
“You know, Bethenny, now that I’m sober, I’m realizing how much more fulfilling my life is compared to yours.”
“I thought it was Martha Stewart on the phone, but it wasn’t, but I still was like ‘Hellow? Martha?’ and the person was like ‘What the hell are you tawkin’ about?’ and I said, ‘OH! I thawt you were Martha!’ And the person was like ‘No! Why would I be Martha?’ And I said, ‘I don’t know! I just thawt you were!’ It was hilarious! I can’t believe that happened! What are the odds? I WANT A BABY.”
“Here, let me show you some moves so you and your friends can ruin breakdancing forever.”
“Stupid Rosanna. I can’t even believe I have to light this candle. And didn’t I tell her to knock down that wall so we could have some more goddamn room? ROSANNA!!! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!!!! NOW!!!”
“Oooh, where am I? The opera? St. Bart’s? A sophisticated boulangerie?”
“My head just got caught in a vice clamp. WOW!”
“Nnnom nnom nnom nnomm BONJOUR nnom nnom nnom.”
“Father, I will not participate in your tacky company. It’s beneath my social station in life.”
“Here’s to you, Bethenny, and your old, stale eggs.”
“Let me tell you something, Ramona. One of these days, this Freaky Friday curse will end, and then you’ll be GROUNDED.”
“You can’t tell me what to feed my dawg. Who do you think you are? Bawbby?”
“LuAnn, get a load of this. He thinks he’s Bawbby.”
“There’s gotta be some sperm somewhere in this ocean.”
And for an added bonus…