There was seriously way too much Idol this week. A two and a half hour telethon was simply uncalled for. Did they really need to clog up our DVRs with such a bloated event that despite starting at 7:30 and despite being mostly pre-taped, still went ten minutes long? The answer is no. I’m personally not shocked that ratings for Idol Gives Back plunged nearly ten million viewers from last year. After America sat through a big, long, ponderous event with essentially no payoff in 2007, there was very little to lure us back for a second helping this time around. Honestly, the most exciting part of the whole extravaganza was when Sheila E. knocked over her cymbals. I’m thinking that next year, they’ve gotta include some results action in the activities because otherwise, there’s very little incentive for us to watch — unless, of course, we plan on indulging in another horrendous comic skit from Robin Williams.
To be fair, there were some highlights to the festivities. I think we all enjoyed Fergie’s double cartwheel on stage. It served as a neat counter balance to Ann Wilson’s unabashedly stolid presence. Seriously, that woman stood there like a load-bearing pillar of goth rotundness. You couldn’t have knocked her over if you had launched ten ballistic missiles at her.
I also enjoyed the cameo of Great Britain’s Prime Minister, Gordon Brown. I never realized just how much his voice sounds like some evil arch-villain from a Disney cartoon. He announced to us that his country would be donating twenty-million mosquito nets to the people of Africa, a cost of nearly two hundred million dollars. It’s all impressive and whatnot until you realize that really only comes out to about thirty-five pounds.
In terms of performances, Annie Lennox was great, as always. It’s always nice to get an old pro on stage who knows how to a) sing, b) emote, and c) connect with a song. Contrast her with the bizarre performance of Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown on Thursday night, and you’ll know what I mean. Hey, I love that song “No Air,” and the two teenage singers are oddly cute together, but all that histrionic harmonizing and that overpowering backing vocal track just made for a trainwreck of a performance. Same could be said for Miley Cyrus, who proved to be fairly terrible in BOTH (ugh) songs she croaked out. It didn’t help things that I was already in a sour mood thanks to her eternal patter with Billy Crystal. Whoever wrote that junk should be run out of Hollywood. I have rarely seen professional banter meander for so long. And on top of that, their babbling wasn’t even remotely interesting. They both listed their accomplishments extensively, which I think was supposed to be funny but instead came off seeming kind of sad; sort of like a tragic attempt to justify their fame. I know this was all written for them and doesn’t necessarily reflect their personalities, but still, way to be awful, Idol.
The only one who left a more wretched scar on the show was Robin Williams, who was so utterly terrible (and also overlong) that I yearned for the glory days of Patch Adams and RV. Not only were his jokes stale (Brokeback references? Really?) but his entire faux-Russian Idol thing felt like a total rip off from Borat. I still believe Robin Williams is talented and can be funny, but it’s time for him to get some new material.
But again, there were some good moments to balance out (a little) the awful shtick we got from Mssrs. Williams and Crystal. Carrie Underwood was actually pretty damn good with her cover of the old George Michael tune, “Praying For Time.” She was probably second to Annie Lennox in terms of performances. I can’t comment on Mariah’s appearance because, well, the show went late and my DVR didn’t record it. Oh well. I’m sure I didn’t miss much.
Probably the only other highlight came from Jimmy Kimmel, who livened things up with a hilarious, nipple-centric roast of Simon Cowell. I was shocked that Fox let him get as racy as he did (for Idol standards). It was certainly a breath of fresh air in this bloated telecast. Oh, and of course, I gotta mention the snappy stage manager who succeeded in totally upstaging Brad Pitt when she came out to fix his mic. “I just wanted to touch him!” she told the audience, adding, “Seriously, do you know how awful it is to deal with Seacrest every week? Finally. A REAL MAN.”
I guess I should probably talk about the Idol contestants. They were pretty much an afterthought in all this, relegated to answering phones and ruining Ryan’s attempts to read off his cue cards. To their credit, they did sing a rousing cover of Rihanna’s hit, “Please Don’t Stop The Music.” Actually, they didn’t sing much of it. Just like one verse. Then they disappeared and So You Think You Can Dance dancers took over the rest. The top eight also clocked in a sweet but boring rendition of “Seasons of Love” from Rent. Surprisingly, I thought Syesha was really good in it, which just goes to show how much better she would be in less ambitious (ie. non-Whitney, non-Fantasia) songs.
Syesha was decent but forgettable on Tuesday’s show when she tried to take on “I Believe” by Fantasia. Let me just say this: it’s a dumb song. Fantasia did a good job with it, and yes, she brought a whole wall of emotion with her, but at the end of the day, a bad song is a bad song, and Syesha was an idiot to pick it. These singers have to realize they need to connect with the audience at home, and if you pick a stupid song like “I Believe” — one that never received any significant air time on the radio — you’re gonna suffer for it. Sure enough, she wound up in the bottom three, along with Carly Smithson and Michael Johns.
Carly Smithson was fairly awful this week. She was all shrieky and crazed, and I agreed with Simon that her performance of Queen’s “The Show Must Go On” sounded angry, not inspirational. I couldn’t believe that was the best tune she could have chosen. Surely I thought she’d go the cheeseball route with something loud and treacly — “The Wind Beneath My Wings” perhaps? Or maybe some old Irish dirge about potatoes and beer? I’m just thinking out loud.
And then there was poor Michael Johns, whose odd choice of “Dream On” by Aerosmith ultimately brought about his demise. He seemed like he was on top of the world last week, but all it takes is one crappy song choice at the top of the hour to destroy everything. The good news is that he’s now untethered from this competition, ready to prowl the streets for Sheilas and beeyah. So it’s not a total loss for him. (Okay, it is). It didn’t help matters that after Ryan announced that Michael had the lowest number of votes that he gave him ten seconds of false hope by suggesting that maybe the producers might give him a reprieve — all in the spirit of charity and whatnot. But no. Ryan took that away from him too, thus placing the metaphorical shrimp of hope on the barbie that is reality. (I’m not sure that even made sense, but I had to make some shrimp/barbie reference by the end of the post).
I didn’t really like Michael’s performance that much, but I’m not sure he deserved a trip to the final three because of it, let alone an ouster. Brooke White’s boring take on the already boring song, “You’ve Got A Friend,” was one of the week’s biggest offenders, in my book. I would have put her in the bottom instead.
Or actually, let’s talk about David Cook. He was undeniably horrendous this week. His voice sounded off, and the song he chose was just barely melodious. For the first time, he really sounded as bad as his haircut looks — which is NOT a good thing. Plus, I was none too pleased with that pretentious little “Give Back” thing he did with his palm. Many people applauded him for it. I just rolled my eyes. If there ever was a “Puuuh-lease” moment (and I don’t often write that), this was it. If I were to base my decisions solely on Tuesday’s show, I would actually kick him off (although, Carly was really bad too).
Side note: I’m starting to feel like sometimes David Cook looks like a duck. It’s something with his mouth, especially when he hits those big notes. It’s not a bad thing. Just an observation. And I’ll add that his snug, white jacket didn’t do much to reduce the whole duckiness of his appearance. Am I the only one? Seriously, keep an eye out for it. You’ll notice it. He’s like a duck with a bad haircut.
And by the way, while I’m on the topic of awfulness, I have to make an earnest plea to the producers. Please, please get rid of that truly hideous Rubben Studdard song. It’s so flaccid and dreary, that I almost always switch channels when it comes on. It’s really one of the very worst missteps the show has ever taken (not to be overdramatic or anything).
In terms of the best performances of the night, hands down the winner goes to Jason Castro. His quiet, soulful, and moving version of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” was amazing. It literally gave me chills. Chills, I tell you! I may even go so far as to say that it was the best performance of the season (for me, that is).
Second best of the night? You’re gonna kill me for saying this, but I will anyway: Kristy Lee Cook. I don’t really know the Martina McBride songbook, but Kristy was definitely in her element on Tuesday, and she did a really, really good job. It’s always nice to see people, even when they’re as cringe-worthy as Kristy, finally get their groove. Plus, I was very happy that Simon commented on her wardrobe, encouraging her to look more like a star. Kristy definitely looked better this week — both on Tuesday and Thursday — but I still think she should push her sex appeal further. I’m not a chauvinist. Just a realist.
As for this season’s resident boy wonder, David Archuleta left me feeling again sort of underwhelmed. The first half of his performance of “Angels” was rocky, to say the least. Once he hit the song’s soaring chorus, he got his mojo back, and like the judges, I enjoyed his runs at the end. But overall, I wouldn’t say it was a particularly wonderful performance, and I’m absolutely puzzled as to why Randy would say it was the best of the season. The good news though is that thanks to Randy’s enthusiasm, David will probably only receive forty lashings from his father this week, not the customary forty-five.
What did you think about this week in Idol? There was so much, I’m sure I left a good amount out. By all means, DISCUSS.