Pratt-à-Porter

Man, these double episodes of The Hills are killing me, but in a good way. I can’t really complain when so much awkwardness is on display. There was so much petty drama on tonight’s episodes, and for the first time in a little while, it all focused on Heidi and Lauren marking their territories anew. You see, the recent acquisition of Stephanie Pratt by the Lauren camp meant that Heidi had to somehow strike out and nab a defector of her own. Ah, but I’m getting too far ahead of myself. That’s the juicy stuff from the second episode of the night, which I’ll be sure to cover in a separate but equal recap sometime on Tuesday. For now, let’s just focus on the first half hour of joy. A half hour that brought us laughter, tears, and, of course, Alicia Keys.

This first installment opened up with Lauren babbling about her upcoming birthday, an event that seems to happen three times a season. Nevertheless, LC revealed to her new buddy that she was planning to celebrate 22 in style by heading to Hollywood’s über-hip hangout, S-Bar. Funny thing about S-Bar: it’s owned by SBE, a.k.a Brent Bolthouse Productions, a.k.a. Heidi’s boss. This has disaster written all over it. Then again, anytime Lauren tries to celebrate any significant event, there’s disaster written all over it.
Anyway, Lauren and Steph talked about the bar for a few moments, but I was honestly too distracted by the random coeds behind them slouching around in drab, gray sweatshirts. Who the hell did these girls think they were? Normal college students? Last time I checked, they went to FIDM, which meant if they weren’t wearing at least one designer headband, they were prime candidates for immediate expulsion.

“Hey Steph, don’t look now, but who the hell ARE these people behind us?”

Ultimately, Lauren invited She-Spencer to the birthday bash, saying, “If you want, you can come.” To which Steph replied, “Yeah, totally, I do.” She then added, “And if it’s okay with you, I plan to meddle a lot and cause a lot of drama. That’s cool though, right?”
Okay, she didn’t say that, but Lauren downplayed the whole invite, saying “Don’t feel obligated.” Translation: “You don’t have to come, but if you don’t, I will forgive you AND forget you!”
Meanwhile, I love how Lauren implied that she didn’t want to put out Steph with this invitation — as if She-Spencer wouldn’t mind changing around her whole social calendar to a) passive-aggressively piss off her brother, b) be on TV, c) move up the sidekick ladder, and d) be on TV some more.
Well, it didn’t take a genius to know this half-hearted invitation would lead to trouble, and if we had any doubts about it, the episode’s title sure took care of those: “WHEN SPENCER FINDS OUT…” Ooooh… An ominous sign indeed! For sure, when Spencer finds out about his sister’s social plans, there will be hell to pay. He might actually get off the couch and threaten to make a music video with her!
Speaking of Spencer, the semi-bearded one walked back into his former apartment to take care of a few loose ends: namely, his videogames and his jellyfish, the latter of which never seem to get any noteworthy screen time. I’m not even convinced they exist. All we ever see is a dark, brooding tank. For all we know, there’s just a plastic dime bag floating around in there.
Anyway, after some casual small talk about the “jellies” and whatnot, Spencer took a sharp right turn with the convo and asked Heidi, “Soooo…. are we dating?” Uh, okay. I guess we’ll talk about that now. Well, as you can imagine, this simple question led to a whirlwind of discussion — most of it nonsensical — as the two talked in circles about what they expected from each other at that very moment. Spencer explained that he was meeting girls, and they want to go on dates, but he didn’t know what to tell them. Does he have a girlfriend? Does he not have a girlfriend? Are his jellies alive?
The entire question was fairly obnoxious, mostly because it was clear that Spencer’s intention wasn’t to get a status update on their relationship, but instead to make Heidi feel bad about all the supposed attention he was receiving. Ah, the Pratt mind games. We’ve missed them so.
Heidi, meanwhile, did nothing to help the situation, and rather than answering with a direct “Yes” or “No,” she merely threw the questions back at him, saying things like “Well, I don’t know. Are we dating?” or “You tell me.” Inevitably, she veered into insincere, passive-aggressive territory, stating, “If you want to date, go ahead and date. That’s fine!” She then added, “NO IT’S NOT.”
Actually, she revealed that she wasn’t looking to date other guys, but if Spencer was looking to date other girls, they should break up. But weren’t they already broken up? That’s what Spencer asked, at least.
“I’m about to punch you in your face,” Heidi said, drawing peals of laughter from me and my viewing party. It’s so rare when Heidi can sum up exactly how I feel at any given time, but she was pretty much spot on with that comment.
Well, after Spencer mockingly noted that he was “scurred” by this threat, we then headed off to the Hillside Villas where Lauren was standing around NAKED. Oh my! I never thought her to be the type! How very strange. Actually, it turns out she was just wearing a strapless gown, but since she spent half the scene with her garments cropped out of view, it did appear as if we might witnessing some unexpected Conrad nudity. To quote Richard Marx, I should have known better. After all, Lauren was in the company of Lo, a respectable young lass and master sidekick who would NEVER allow her friend to be photographed in a less than flattering light.

“I should probably put some clothes on now…”

Anyway, Lo gave Lauren a gift, which was something with a heart on a it (a necklace? a shirt? a meta-heart?), and then the two gabbed about the impending birthday celebration. The big news was that Frankie was gonna be out of town — perhaps shooting the much anticipated twentyfourseven reunion — but even more importantly, Brody would be missing from the night’s festivities as well. I don’t remember if it was because he was busy or just not invited, and quite frankly, I didn’t really care. The last thing I needed was another drunken JennerBitch session. I’d like to note that I was very happy to see Lo refer to Brody as The Brodester. I thought that was a nickname that only I called him, and in fact, I immediately talked back to the TV, saying, “Hey, she got that from me!” Then my friend reminded me that everyone calls him that, and furthermore, it’s not an uncommon nickname style. And with that, my narcissistic moment came to a crushing end.

“To the BRODESTER!”

Meanwhile, across town, Steph waltzed into her condo and discovered a new roommate: a tank full of jellyfish! She unsurprisingly balked at this new addition and reminded Spencer, “This isn’t your apartment. It’s mine.” Spencer’s response?
“It’s not an apartment. It’s a condo.” OOH. WELL PLAYED. Her original point has been rendered MOOT. After all, an unwelcomed influx of jellyfish in an apartment is completely unacceptable. But in a condo? Eh, it’s kind of par for the course!
Well, Steph got all mom-ish and berated Spencer for being a good-for-nothin’ deadbeat boarder. She told him to get a job (huh? A job? What’s that?) and to get off the couch or else she’d call Dad. He countered that he was the one suffering here. After all, this was a two bedroom condo, but he had to sleep on the couch because the second bedroom was currently occupied with mounds of clothes. Oh the plight of Spencer. It’s just one shade better than being stuck in the middle of Darfur.
Then, in a move that was reminiscent of the old Spencer we love to hate (or maybe just hate), he asked his sister, “And when does the maid come?”
“You’re looking at her,” Stephanie replied bitterly.
“Well, she needs to do those sheets on my couch,” he snapped back. OH NO HE DI’INT! OH NO HE DI’INT!!!
Honestly, it had been a while since Spencer had acted this dickish, as he’s spent the latter part of this season sitting on various couches, moping around. It was kind of nice having the villain back in top form. You know, nice in an AWFUL way.
But oh, he wasn’t done yet. After explaining that he was on day one of Operation: Win Heidi Back (an operation we know he inevitably succeeds with, but the matter in which he does so is still a head scratching mystery), Spencer then kicked Steph out of his “bedroom” so he could watch 24, a series that clearly needs to be viewed in utter silence without the distractions of any lowly FIDM students. If I were Stephanie, I would have taken a hatchet to the fish tank and yelled, “You want to watch 24? You want to watch 24? Well, here you go! Twenty four of your damn jellies dying on the floor!!!”
Instead of engaging in a homicidal rage, however, Steph headed out to Hollywood with her very own sidekick, Roxy. Sort of an appropriate name for a Pratt sidekick, and if I’m not mistaken, Roxy is the first Pratt sidekick I think we’ve seen. That’s a dubious honor if there ever was one. Anyway, Steph and Roxy (gosh, that sounds like some Australian cabaret act) headed out to S-Bar, and guess who was working the door? Oh, just Kimberly — a.k.a. Elodie 2.0. This could not be a good sign…

Something tells me that girl in the white won’t be making it into the club…

Nevertheless, She-Spencer waltzed into the bar without incident, and soon she joined Lauren and her gaggle of mostly anonymous friends. This party had all the usual trappings: cake, squeals, and occasional dancing — courtesy of Whitney. The lack of Brody also made it pleasantly whine-free.

“Look! I’m doing my Julie Chen impersonation!”

“Aaaand my top fell off again.”

Of course, it wasn’t perfect. Lo and Audrina managed to shoot several glares over at the Steph & Roxy sideshow, and Whitney, well, she just stood there aghast, her jaw dropping in shock. Then again, when is Whitney’s jaw not dropping in shock?

“Wow.”

“I do NOT approve.”

Lo and Audrina immediately began carping on Stephanie from afar, with Lo saying that she simply did not trust her. “Spencer is still her brother,” she said, noting that ultimately family would always come first for her. Audrina echoed that sentiment, and as she fiddled with a birthday hat, she said, “Something’s up. Something sketchy…” She then added, “I just wish I could stab that fake bitch in the eye with the tip of this hat. I’m gonna do it, Lo! I’m gonna do it!”

“I think someone pooped inside this hat.”

Meanwhile, things were all peachy keen on the other side of the party. A drunk Lauren gushed to Stephanie, “You know what, though? You’re a good person.” To which Steph said, “Aw, you’re so sweet. AND TOTALLY WRONG.” Okay, she didn’t say that, but I think we’re all collectively waiting for the other shoe to drop in this new Pratt-Conrad relationship.
“I just don’t want this to turn into another disaster,” Lo then told Audrina. Fear not, Lo. It most certainly WILL turn into another disaster. Isn’t that the fun of it? The Lo-Audrina bitch session was cut short, however, when their new sidekick rivals glanced over at them from across the way. Audrina went into immediate subterfuge mode. “Smile!” she said. “They’re looking!” And with that, Audrina flashed a large, brilliant smile that managed to blind half the bar, thus allowing her and Lo to execute their secret plan: stuffing Stephanie into a crate and shipping her off to Guam. Mission Accomplished!
Okay, maybe that didn’t happen, but you know the girls were just dying to try it. We then went to commercial, which meant another glimpse into the theatrical disaster that is Alicia Keys. Yes, it was minisode time, and this week, we had the very special honor of welcoming Lynn Whitfield to the Dove fold. The venerable actresses showed up to play Alicia’s mom, a thankless role that required her to keep a straight face while listening to the singer/songwriter awkwardly clunk her way through an already terrible script. I’m just gonna say two things about this. 1) Lynn Whitfield should fire her agent immediately; 2) Why the hell wasn’t Jackée chosen for this role? Now THAT’s something that would have gotten me excited for this nonsense.
Anyway, the story of this minisode revolved around Alicia Keys’ momma coming to town, but guess what? She wasn’t the same dowdy woman Alicia had grown up with. No, this lady was taking her life into her own hands, Waiting To Exhale style, and now she was doing all sorts of crazy stuff — like opening up Facebook accounts and doing Capoeira. I’d have to agree with Alicia. If I saw Lynn Whitfield engaging in either of those activities, I’d be freaked the hell out.
Well, this skit went on and on and on, and I don’t know if maybe the length was extended to get the most Whitfield for the buck or if maybe each week these bits get more intolerable to sit through, but I swear, by the time it was over, I felt like I could have spent my time watching The Josephine Baker story instead… FIVE TIMES IN A ROW. The good news for Lynn Whitfield fans is that the minisode appeared to end on a cliffhanger, and with any luck, she’ll be back next week. I haven’t been this excited since I caught a free screening of Eve’s Bayou ten years ago.

“Girl, this is what you call a career low point.”

Back on The Hills, we headed over to the Bolthouse offices and found Kimberly making a beeline towards Heidi, whose chintzy, gold jacket may or may not have been fashioned from leftover Hannukah gelt foil. Unsurprisingly, Kimberly spilled the beans that Steph had happily attended Lauren’s birthday party the night before — a notion so bizarre and incongruous that Heidi had no choice but to full on reject it outright. “That can’t be right,” she said, as if Kimberly had just announced that 3 + 5 = 76.
Soon, though, Heidi had to come to grips that her one-time future sister-in-law was now hanging out with LC. The whole thing was quite baffling, really. In Heidi’s mind, she didn’t understand how Lauren could be friends with Spencer’s sister, but not his girlfriend. “I don’t understand Lauren’s logic,” Heidi said, adding, “Well, to be fair, I don’t understand anyone’s logic. What is logic anyway? Is it like a candy cane?”
Well, they might have been pseudo-broken up, but that didn’t stop Heidi from immediately calling up Spencer and telling him the news. As you can imagine, it was more shocking to him than if he stuck his hand in the jellyfish tank.
“What the hell is Lauren doing hanging out with my sister?” he asked, later adding, “She’s like Brody Junior over here.” For real, he did say that, but it was kind of selling his sister short. As far as I could tell, Steph hadn’t whined once, and there were plenty of times she hadn’t received hugs. Then again, we’ve yet to see how she’d react to giggles if she were to break her arm.
Speaking of THE BRODESTER (as Lo and IIIII would say), we soon found Mr. Jenner wandering up to Toast, a popular brunch spot that most certainly serves eggs benedict (Stephanie is already speeding over). Brody was there to meet up with Lauren, but alas, she was late, which meant he had something brand new to whine about. Luckily, Lauren did eventually show up, and she mollified any Brody-whines with a big hug. I couldn’t even imagine how insufferable he’d be had she merely tapped him on the shoulder or shook his hand. He’s probably cross his arms and answer with monosyllabic words the entire meal.
Anyway, Brody needled Lauren about her recent frosty behavior at Les Deux, but she defended herself by noting that when she asked him “Where’s your girlfriend?!?!?” she was merely just being inquisitive. “I was just asking where she was!” Lauren said, adding, “You know, in a very BITTER way. I don’t know why you’d take offense to me being COLD AND ORNERY TO YOU!”
Nevertheless, conversation soon turned to the Pratts, and Brody warned LC about Stephanie. “Be very cautious. I know Stephanie. I’ve known her for a while. She’s given me several blow jobs.” Okay, he didn’t say that last sentence, but a part of me was hoping he’d reveal her to be his new girlfriend. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD.
Lauren, however, spurned Brody’s warning, saying, “I think she’s a nice person.” And as we all know, Lauren’s friend judgment on The Hills has been nothing short of flawless…
We then headed back to Stephanie’s apartment, er, CONDO, where Spencer was hanging out on — where else? — the couch with his feet up and everything. And yes, he was still wearing his sneakers. THE WORST. Well, Steph and Spencer had it out over Lauren’s birthday, and as he snipped away about his sister’s loyalties, she balked, “Are we five years old?” MAYBE. I’m not totally convinced that you guys aren’t.
Steph then tried to justify her actions, saying that Heidi had already apologized to Lauren; so everything should be cool anyway. Spencer, however, poked some major holes in that theory as he articulated what we always knew: that the apology was a phony ass gesture reeking of insincerity. Or, as Spencer put it, “Heidi just went there to be like ‘Hey, Crazy, why are you mean to me for no reason?'” I’m most certainly on Team Lauren, but even I had to chuckle at this new nickname.
Anyway, the Pratts continued to go at it, with Spencer doing the berating and Stephanie doing the huminah huminahs. Finally, she let out a meek “Oh my God…” which led to tears and the sort of pitiful confession, “I feel like since Lauren and I are friends, I can make them [Lauren and Heidi] friends again.” She then added, “And then I will be the most powerful sidekick IN THE WORLD.”
Soon, however, Stephanie got her berating on and told Spencer, “You need to stop having enemies,” but he wasn’t about to hear that. Steph tried to guilt her brother into shutting up by saying, “You’re making me cry right now,” but Spencer merely threw it back in her face. “You’re making yourself cry, thinking about what you did.” Ouch. Cold. But not necessarily wrong. Oh those Pratts! Such a lovable brood!

“I just want to be everyone’s sidekick. But no one wants to be my Master!”

After the break, we returned to FIDM where Lauren and Stephanie were back in their dumb computer class. I was really hoping we’d get to see their professor, a.k.a. Bernice, but sadly, she remained just a disembodied voice this episode. MTV clearly realized that she was entirely too old, heavyset, and unpleasant on the eyes to be ever seen on their network again. Anyway, Steph told Lauren that “Roxy and I had a great time” at her party, to which Lauren replied, “Roxy? Seriously? You have a friend named Roxy? Wow. You can stop talking to me now.”
Actually, the conversation instead drifted onto Spencer’s reaction to hearing that his sister partied with the enemy. Stephanie revealed that he had acted like a jerk about the whole incident, and of course, this was music to Lauren’s ears. She quickly scooted in closer to Stephanie, whose inner sidekick voice must have been saying “Yesyesyesyesyesyesyes!!!”
She-Spencer explained that He-Spencer had made her cry, and ever the consoling master, Lauren replied, “I don’t ever want to cause fights, and I’m really sorry, but you didn’t do anything wrong, you know that.” She then added, “If it hurts your brother to the depths of his soul that we hang out, well, then so be it. I take absolutely noooo perverse pleasure in that. None whatsoever.”
After class, Stephanie then headed over to Heidi’s apartment where the flaxen thrush was busy preparing some unseen salad dinner (her recipe: three leaves of romaine, two carrot shreds, and a raisin). We then went through the umpteenth iteration of the “Steph went to Lauren’s party!” discussion, and this time, Heidi questioned why Lauren would even be friends with her.
“Like, we do have fashion in common,” Steph said, in one of her dopier moments yet. It’s kind of like saying, “We both like breathing air.”
Heidi laughed at this ridiculous justification for a friendship and said, “I mean, every girl has fashion in common.” Except, well, lesbians. I KEED!! I KEED!!! Apologies all around… But seriously, we’re not seeing the Indigo Girls on the cover of Vogue anytime soon. I KEED!!!
Stephanie then turned the situation on Heidi, asking her what she and Spencer did to Lauren to make her hate them so much. “NOTHING!” Heidi said, a bit too quickly. She then spat out a few more massively-in-denial utterances before announcing, “Be careful with her. One minute you’re her best friend…” And the next minute, after you’ve spread rumors about her and treated her like shit at your boyfriend’s whims, she’ll never talk to you again!

“I want to forget you, and then I want to forgive you. Wait, how did Lauren say it?”

Poor She-Spencer. What ever happened to last week’s promise to stay out of the fray? Maybe it’s time you drop all of them and hang out with some other girls who have fashion in common. Maybe some girls who might even share your enthusiasm for tribal headbands!
What did you think about this episode? Do Heidi and Spencer kind of have a point? Or should Stephanie be allowed to hang out with whom she wants whenever she wants?