Many Happy Returns

Monday’s second episode of The Hills was a homecoming of sorts. Many old friends were reunited for the first time in weeks. Heidi and Audrina buddied up; Lauren and Whitney got to spend the workday together; and most importantly, we the audience got to see the return of none other than ASHES, a.k.a. Bella 2.0, a.k.a. Lauren’s long forgotten cat. Throw in a dash of She-Spencer mischief and a pinch of Kelly Cuttrone bitchiness, and we were good to go!

This episode began with Lauren warning us that Heidi was about to make a new friend of her own. Oooh… who could it be? The meter maid? A homeless person? An R2D2 novelty mailbox? The possibilities were endless! Sadly, we’d have to wait a little bit to figure out who this lucky new friend would be (I’m pretending like I never saw the previews, which clearly showed Heidi getting buddy buddy with a girl whose name rhymes with Shmaudrina). In the meantime, we found Lauren and Whitney enjoying lunch and talking about the whole Stephanie Pratt situation… AGAIN. Seriously, how many times must these people rehash it? Lauren and Stephanie are friends. GET OVER IT.
Whitney was actually quite supportive of the idea, a nifty turn from last episode when her jaw dropped so low during LC’s birthday party that I thought she might actually be preparing to fall down another flight of stairs. These days, Whitney was more Up-With-Stephanie as she rationalized the whole bizarre friendship, saying that Steph wasn’t even involved in the whole Lauren-Heidi situation anyway. Yup, Steph wasn’t involved at all. You know, except for all the INCESSANT MEDDLING.
Thankfully, the conversation soon shifted onto Whitney’s life as we learned about all the stresses of her new job at People’s Revolution (for some reason I feel like celebratory gunshots should go off every time People’s Revolution is mentioned on this show. Shouts of “¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!” would be welcomed too). Whitney explained how the plan was to model the Los Angeles office after the New York one, which I guess meant everything would become very cluttered, hectic, and generally AWFUL. She then went on to describe the fun she had at the Sass & Bide show in New York City. Funny story: back in college, I named my hair stylist Sass because she was this heavyset woman with this funky little haircut that I think was her attempt to look all big-city and trendy. But of course, she wasn’t trendy at all, being that she was cutting hair in a barber shop in Hanover, NH. The girl next to her was named Carol, I believe, and she always talked about Bryant Gumbel, but she always called him (without irony) “Bryant Gumball.” What’s the point of this story? None, really, except that if I had a choice, I would much rather see a Sass & Carol fashion show than a Sass & Bide one.
Aaaanyway, Whitney babbled on about all her recent exciting adventures at Fashion Week, noting that she got to work the runway, telling models to “go, go, go!!!” This cast an envious pall on Lauren’s face as she muttered, “That’s like my ideal job.” Yes, who doesn’t dream of ordering models to go. And then wait. And then go. And then wait. It’s just so fulfilling.
Well, Whitney unwittingly rubbed salt in Lauren’s covetous wounds when she gushed, “While I was doing it, I was like, ‘Lauren would be loving this right now!'” To which Lauren merely replied, “You know, what? GO FUCK YOURSELF.” Lauren then splashed water in Whitney’s face, flipped the table, and stormed out.
Actually, Lauren merely let out her patented, melancholy “Yeah…” and in the awkward aftermath, the credits began to roll. We then learned this episode’s title, “JUST BE CAREFUL…”, which struck me as one of the more ominous of the always ominous episode titles. Would Lauren be seeking new adventures atop Mt. Everest? Or was she planning on wrestling a live shark? We’d have to wait to find out because we then followed Whitney as she pursued her own treacherous adventures at the hectic snake pit that was People’s Revolution (BANG BANG!! ARRIBA!!!). Yes, the mother hen / scarecrow of the company, Kelly Cutrone, called an office meeting and started things off on an expectedly sardonic note: “Let’s gather around like the family we are,” she said dryly, adding, “I’ll be your abusive mother. I said NO WIRE HANGERS!!!”
Anyway, Kelly started making a list of demands about the upcoming Los Angeles fashion week, saying that they were to be wearing all black, show no boobs, hide all tattoos, remove all piercings, and look as wretched as possible. Well, she didn’t say that last one, but I just assumed she wanted to lead by example. Kelly also sternly barked, “Do not roll your eyes at me. Do not question it is that we’re asking you to do. I’m not here to be your friend.” No, she wasn’t there to be their friend. She was there to remind them how awful bosses could be.

“On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I look like DEATH?”

Yes, Kelly was in quite a prickly mood that morning, and never more so than when she called upon her deputy Jessica and asked, “One of the things we need to talk about is celebrity outreach. I don’t think any of that’s happened yet.” Ummm… do you not notice the MTV STAR sitting in your little circle? Nevertheless, Jessica replied, “Working on it,” to which I half expected Lady Cutrone to simply lash back with, “YOU’RE FIRED!!!”
What happened instead, however, was somewhat worse. Both Kelly and her partner-in-crime Emily (no relation to Teen Vogue’s über intern) thrashed Jessica to pieces like the two-headed monster they were.
“It’s too late!” Kelly sneered in faux-defeatist passive-aggression.
“That was supposed to be your responsibility!” Emily added, with equal parts frustration, exasperation, and sadism. True, it sounded like this Jessica character had dropped the ball, but was this really the best management style — haranguing and shaming your employees in public?
Oh, but it got worse. Kelly then asked Jessica if there was any press scheduled to come to whatever event they had planned, and Jessica merely sat there blank-faced, probably fearful that any answer she gave would be met with another verbal judo chop. It was pretty terrible. I was really hoping that Kelly would just rise to her feet and scream, “Get out. GET OUT!!!” and then maybe take Jessica’s note pad and hurl it across the room. But alas, Whitney jumped in and saved the day — as she so often does lately. She suggested that for an upcoming Robin Antin (vomit) show, there were plenty of celebs that have worked with her before. Maybe they could reach out to them?
“YES,” Kelly said in a soft and patronizing voice. “Good thinking. THERE YOU GO.” Let the countdown to Jessica’s firing begin!
Meanwhile, over at Teen Vogue, Lauren was all alone in her office/closet. Whitney’s post hadn’t even been replaced with 2.0 versions of Whitney or Kimball or even, dare I say, Blaine. No, it was just a sad, lonely desk with nothing but a powered-down iMac resting atop it. Awww. I kind of missed Whitney’s old iMac. You know, the one with the swivel monitor circa 2002. Those were the days.
Anyway, feeling adrift without her work-sidekick, Lauren called up Whitney, who was busy doing… SOMETHING. I didn’t know what it was, but as this was the People’s Revolution, everyone had to be bustling about all. the. time. I kind of forget what these two talked about — something about how Lauren wished she was hanging with Whit. I was honestly distracted by the one guy who lingered into the frame just a tad too long. Keep moving, buddy. It’s not your show…

You’re ruining the moment, jerk.

Later that night, we found Steph and Heidi getting all dolled up for a little ladies night out. I guess their mini beef had been squashed because these gals were ready for a night of fun and drinkin’ and no drama. Too bad that when they showed up at Vice (formerly Star Shoes, sniff sniff), the first person they ran into was… AUDRINA. And she was with a gaggle of lesbians! Oh wait, maybe those were actual guys. Whoever they were, we can all agree their gender was indeterminate.
Well, being the instigator that she is, Steph urged Heidi to go over and say hi to her former BFF. What would be the harm? Just some petty drama? Cut to the inside of Stephanie’s head as a robotic voice intones, “DIVIDE AND CONQUER. DIVIDE AND CONQUER!!!!”
As you can imagine, Heidi had some serious reservations about talking to Audrina. She noted that it was all weird because in the wake of the whole fight, Aud had totally stopped talking to Heidi. I guess Heidi forgot about that whole period of time when she was a total bitch to Audrina because she thought she was moving in on Spencer — a lie perpetrated by, you guessed it, SPENCER.
Nevertheless, Heidi never met an awkward moment she couldn’t deny; so she sashayed over to Audrina to say hello. This led to a generally uncomfortable conversation in which Heidi babbled on about how hard it’s been for her without her girlfriends and her support system and how she’s cried and blah blah blah. For her part, Audrina mostly nodded, and occasionally chirped up with some advice, saying that Heidi really had to learn how to balance friendships and romances. Ultimately, Heidi noted that if Audrina ever wanted to talk or hang out, she would be there for her, which seemed like a mildly strange offering, being that it was Heidi who was in the market for someone to talk or hang out with. Oh well. To each his own. After enough of this babbling, the joint sidekick alliance of Stephanie and Chiara decided they’d had enough of their Masters socializing, and the two swooped in to ferret them away from each other.
“I did not expect Heidi to ever be here,” Audrina told Chiara, clearly forgetting that whenever the producers tell her to go to a bar on a certain night and time, they most likely have arranged for a feuding party to show up as well. Surprisingly, Chiara gave Heidi props for reaching out, and Audrina, for one, did not disagree. Dunh dunh DUNH!!!
After the Alicia-Keys-free break, we found Heidi and Steph shopping for furniture, with the former saying how her taste has evolved so much. I’m not sure it’s evolved as much as she’s come to the fairly common realization that sometimes giant arcade games and jelly fish tanks don’t always make for the best feng shui.
Anyway, all this talk about furniture reminded Heidi that she had left some mirrors and other junk at Lauren’s apartment “on accident.” People, it’s by accident. By. Not “on.” But I digress.
Yes, Heidi wanted to retrieve some objects she had left at the home base, which seemed kind of bizarre considering that she had waited over a year to do so. I guess it was just her sneaky master plan to gain entrance to Casa Conrad one last time. Or maybe she’s just very, very, very forgetful. Either way, she was excited to see Audrina again. Translation: “Okay, Lauren. You take Stephanie? Well, I’ll take Audrina.” Cut to me rubbing my palms together in excitement. Exxxcellent.
Over at the gym, Lauren and Whitney were working out, and once again, LC couldn’t help from bombarding Whitney with envious questions about the Cutrone empire. “What are you doing now at People Revolution?” she asked. Whitney just shrugged. You know — the usual. Just dealing with that incredible bitch of a boss. Actually, she didn’t say that. Instead, the girls went down memory lane, recalling the first time Lauren had met Kelly Cutrone way back in season one. LC laughed it all off, and I half expected her to finish her story by sighing, “Ahhh yes…. what a fucking bitch.”
Lauren then asked what the office was like, and Whit replied, “It’s really cool. It’s really cool.” You know, in that cluttered and frantic and AWFUL way. Wh-wh-wh-Whitney then reassured Lauren that she had yet to meet anyone she clicked with. You know, someone like Lauren. “Nice to know I haven’t been replaced,” Lauren said.
“Never!” Whitney replied, just a tad too eagerly. “You’re my Master! I would never do that!!!” To which Lauren then replied, “Oh Whitney, it’s not an issue of ever would. It’s an issue of ever could. Mwhwahhaha.”
Later, in this completely screwy timeline, we found Lauren at FIDM where she was busy talking to Steph in class. From what I could gather, both of them, or at least Stephanie, had been messing up all the assignments. What can I say? Bernice is a tough cookie. Maybe they wouldn’t do so badly if they STOPPED TALKING IN CLASS.
Well, as there’s no greater time than the present to do some meddling, Stephanie happily told Lauren about Heidi and Audrina chatting away at Vice. Of course, to hear it from She-Spencer, you’d think the two rivals were now planning a cross-country trip together. Lauren was understandably alarmed.
“It kind of seems like they’re cool now,” Steph said, eagerly fanning the flames with info that was just a tad exaggerated. Yes, the plan was all coming together. If Steph could just kick Audrina out of Lauren’s good graces, then SHE would be the primary sidekick. Stardom was all so close. SO CLOSE!!
Later that afternoon, Audrina returned to her apartment, not realizing the viper’s nest she was about to walk into. She pleasantly smiled at Lauren and asked, “So what’s up?” I DON’T KNOW. WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME!!!
“Were you talking to Heidi at Vice last night?” Lauren asked, her rage just barely concealed.
“Yup,” replied Audrina so meekly you would have thought she was going to turn into a mouse and scamper off into a hole. She immediately had to launch into a defense of her actions, explaining vehemently that “I have no intentions of being friends with her.” She then added, “I didn’t spend two years working your way up to Primary Sidekick status just to throw it all away on Heidi. C’mon now.”
Okay, she didn’t say that… in so many words. “You’ve been such a good friend to me,” Audrina insisted, “and I’m not gonna, like, go behind your back and hang out with someone that’s done bad things to you.” Well, we’ll just see about THAT, Miss Patridge! The much anticipated Sidekick War of 2008 is in full force, and if Audrina thinks a mere pledge of loyalty will save her, she has another thing coming!
Speaking of sidekicks, Lauren then donned her inner Che Guevara shirt and headed over to People’s Revolution and met up with her wayward buddy Whitney, who was still busy prepping for the eight million fashion shows Lady Cutrone was overseeing. It was a total pressure cooker at the office; so as you can imagine, it was the perfect time for a random social visit. Lauren sat down for a few moments and watched yearningly as Jessica bossed Whitney around to no end. Ah yes. The grass is always greener, right LC? Amidst this, some random stylist named Luke managed to get his very own title on screen, simply by eyeing Lauren in a way that seemed to say “I’d do her.” Of course, this was the fashion world; so he most likely was thinking, “Giiiiirrl…”
Oh, and for the record, let it be known that NO ONE was wearing black.
Anyway, in a shocking turn of events, Whitney recruited Lauren to help out with some junk around the office. Imagine that: the sidekick bossing the Master around. I guess it’s sort of like tough love. Her way of telling Lauren, “If you don’t quit Teen Vogue and come here to be my Master, then I’ll have to be the Master, and as you can see, it’s just not right.”
Well, as the afternoon went on, I was most delighted to see that Whitney had been reunited with her outmoded 2002 iMac yet again. What a glorious occasion! And here I thought they’d let her move out of the Stone Age. Then I remembered that no sidekick would ever be given a better computer than her Master. Nevertheless, while Lauren and Whitney babbled away about something, none other than overlord Emily appeared out of the ether, striking an immediate chord of fear in my heart. Surely when she saw Lauren Conrad pretending like she was a bona fide member of the ‘Rev, she would freak out — I was thinking something along the lines of “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY REVOLUTION!!!” But instead, she informally invited Lauren to come join the team. Risky move, Em. I’m not sure Lady Cutrone would approve, what with Lauren’s checkered history and all. But then again, you can’t ignore free MTV publicity. This was gonna be one storyline to keep an eye on…
Back at the apartment, we found Audrina hanging out with, you guessed it, ASHES! The prodigal feline returns! I was so very worried that our favorite MTV pet had gone AWOL, but thankfully, Bella 2.0 was safe and sound, no longer just a vague memory like the original Bella, or as I call her, Bella Classic. Of course, this now begs the question: where the hell has Ashes been??

LOLashes

Well, with Ashes back, it was beginning to look a lot like Season 2, especially when Heidi appeared at the door, ready to retrieve her very precious mirror and a random box adorned with sailboats. She actually opened the latter box, and I feared we might find the decaying carcass of Bella inside, but instead, there were just some photos and memory from “the old days” (a.k.a. Pre-Fight, or PF). Needless to say, it was a bit too much for Heidi to take in; so she ordered the sailboat box closed, never to be opened again.
The Heidester then took a seat and chatted with Audrina about the whole Stephanie Pratt situation, reiterating how strange and perhaps hypocritical it was for Lauren to be friends with her. Audrina merely shrugged and commented, “It’s weird how the world works.” Yes. My thoughts exactly. It ranks up there with famine, genocide, war, and poverty. What a crazy old world. Thousands of people can kill each other for centuries, and yet Lauren and Stephanie can find friendship. WEIRD INDEED.
Later on, after Heidi had flitted on out of the apartment, Lauren returned home, perhaps expecting to do nothing more but settle in with some Wheel and perhaps a pint of Chubby Hubby. Oh, but Audrina had other plans for her.
“I have something to tell you,” she told Lauren, whose face lit up with unbridled enthusiasm.
“Oh, tell me!” she replied. What could this news be? A new boy? A new promotion? A new boy? A new boy? A new boy?
Audrina continued: “Ashes came back.” I KEED. Okay, okay. This is what she said:
“When you were gone today, Heidi came over.”
I swear, in all the seasons of The Hills, I’m not sure LC had ever glared the way she did at that moment. Audrina had to have been shaking in her boots. I’m telling you, if we sent Lauren to the Middle East with that look on her face, Osama would just come out of whatever cave he was hiding in and say, “Okay, okay. Here I am. Don’t yell at me.”

“So I have something kind of crazy to tell you…”

“Splendid! Nothing you could say could ruin my mood!”

“Heidi, um, kind of came over today.”

“Excuse me?”

“Mommy.”

Sure enough, Lauren absolutely despised that Heidi had come into the apartment without her knowledge. Audrina tried to mollify the situation, but Lauren was P.O.’d to no end. So, yeah, Aud, if you want to be friends with Heidi that’s totally fine and your choice and everything, buuuut…. NEVER HANG OUT WITH HER AGAIN.
The sidekick war rages on! And now, one last look at Ashes (who knows when we’ll see him again):

“Bai!”

What did you think about this episode? And what’s the line between loyalty to friends and social independence?